Mixed signals, or mixed feelings?

[wtm78]

Previously I posted that we are living separately for 6-7months now. During these times, I was in a bad shape. The anger inside grew into hatred and resentment. Before the new year I decided to let them all go and enter 2020 afresh. I broke NC and suggested to have a talk. The arrangements of talking was difficult, it took a week to arrange. For me it felt like a power struggle, a mind game. It felt like she is punishing me for leaving her. But of course she denied. When we talk, she behave indifferent about everything and defensive about what I say. If I say anything that in anyway suggested that she made things difficult for me she gives me an ultimatum. 

Last Saturday morning, I told her that I have been trying to arrange a meet up but she keeps rejecting with no alternate date so I told her I'm not intending to play games with her. If she not keen to talk then I should probably leave her alone and proceed with the lawyers. 

She only replied at night that she suggested that she has grieved and was trying to move on when I left her (she meant NC) and abandoned her. And that she is trying to move in from the bad memories and to heal. And she is sorry that she is not in the right frame to be there when I needed the most.

The next Day, Sunday morning, my mom called and told me that her mom, my grandma passed away in the middle of the night. I went down to help with the wake. I did not inform her, given the text she sent me the night before. 

Sunday night, she called me crying angrily blaming me that I did not inform her of such big event that happened. And that she had to find out from her friends who call her asking about me after seeing my post on social media. I told her given the text she sent me on Saturday, I did not think it would matter. She continues to blame me for not informing her.

She insisted coming to the wake on Monday. And on Monday the first thing she said to me was ahe continued to blame me for not informing her. What would my family members think of her if she is not there. So I asked, is that it? Are you here because you care what other people think of you? So you can be the good guy? She didn't reply

At the wake, she also sat by herself acting werid and awkward. My mom knew about we are living separately. She went to have a chat with her and she ended up crying at the wake. And later blaming me for all the things my mom said to her, insisted that I've been bad mouthing her. I told her if she wants to continue this fight she should not be at the wake at all. The wake was 5 days she came and sat there and pretended that she was there to support me. But no. She didn't ask me how I was, she didn't even place her hands on my shoulder. But every night we left the wake as if we are going home together. 

After 5 days at the wake, my mom asked me to give ourselves a chance, go talk it out. She also told her not to be going on a cold war. For that she came and blame me for bad mouthing her to my mom. Ask me what did I say to my mom for her to say that to her.

The person that she is now is someone that I cannot recognise. She is like a porcupine full of spikes. My counselor thinks that since we started talking he would like to explore if she is keen to have a joint session again. I did ask her during the wake and she didn't reply. When I asked again she was like, "I'll think about it".

Now, I am just thinking if I should just get the paperwork done and stop interaction with this person. Am I reading the wrong signal here?

[wtm78]

after that day. i left her alone, and the next week she ask me if i want to have dinner with her family. i replied that i am having dinner with my family and she took that as a rejection. she mentioned that she had to deal with her family asking her why i was not there.

after that she asked if she could visit my grandma and my parents and i met her at my parents place. but she refused to talk to me. just there at my parents and pretended that everything is well and good. after my parents place i asked if she want to hang out. she said no, wanted to go home. so i said i wanted to walk around a bit and i say good bye. but i turned back to wait for a cab with her. by then she was really upset, and i asked if everything is ok. she say fine. i told her i was very confused, she dont look fine. lets hang out a bit. she gave a flat NO. so i ask what can i do, she say nothing. so i asked if its better that i leave. She gave a big angry YES. 2 times. and so i left.

the next day i texted her and told her i was very confused and asked if we could talk. she said no and the same thing about wanting to be alone and want to move on from the negative memories and to heal.

1 week later i ask her out and she came. and perhaps i said something wrong everything went spiral to she wanting to be alone and want to leave. she blamed my for abandoning her. she insisted that its not her who wants to leave the relationship it was me and now she could not do it anymore. she said she was waiting for me to come back during the separation but i didnt, and she extended the family dinner but i rejected. she say she doesnt want to feel abandon by someone again. i said i am here now. but she say she does not want to be with anyone and want to be alone, perhaps forever. she was crying and i hugged her for sometime. after i let go she gave me a hug and said i know you need a hug too. then she say sorry she wants to leave, and left.

few days later (which was last fri), i asked her out for dinner, she said she doesnt want to go out. my female friend say no, you cant take that as a no, you got to press in to fight for your wife. so i asked if she would like me to pack and eat in? she said she is going to temple before going home, not sure her timing so dont want to make plans. the next day, i ask if she wants breakfast. she says she doesnt wish to keep saying no to my kind gestures and appreciate that i am trying to make things better. she doesnt wish to make me feel worse than i already am. she said her heart has died these months and not sure how to behave around me. she just know she need to eliminate the negative emotions within her and seeing me doesnt help. so she wants to be alone now.

i told her i understand and hope she find back herself and the peace and joy she is looking for. and she replied back with encouragement for my work and she wishes that i also find back myself.