DDSS Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 So my fiance and I have been in a long distance relationship the entire time we've been together. We use to travel to see each other 3-4 times a year. We both were in long term marriages with children and recently divorced when we met. We have been engaged for 4+ years now. We have never lived together but have spent up to 6 weeks at a time together. After 7 years she recently told me that she wants space. This also was after she started distancing herself from me over the last year. I think she was just afraid to tell me a year ago or still wasn't quite sure what she wanted. She says she has alot to learn about herself since her divorce and that she jumped into our relationship too soon after divorce. We both got married at the age of 20, married about 20 years, and are now in our early 50s. She says sometimes she thinks she just wants to be alone the rest of her life but yet, says most of the time her heart tells her that she doesn't want to live without me. She says she loves me and doesn't want to be with anybody but me. She said fate brought us together and if it's still meant to be it will be. Neither of us are interested in dating others. I told her I loved her, that I also don't want to be with anybody else but her and would honor her wish of space and I asked her to let me know when she was ready to talk and that I will be here for her. I told her I do believe we belong together and can get through anything together if we both want it bad enough. As much as this is killing me, I know I have to not communicate with her unless she reaches out to me first. How long do I wait if I don't hear from her? Valentines day is a little over 3 weeks away. I always send her a gift or flowers. Do I still send her flowers with a simple "I love you!" to show I still care ? Or skip it all together because she asked for space? Im so damn confused, frustrated, and mostly sad! I don't want to lose her. Suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 I hate requests for space because they are too vague. Only she knows if she wants less communication or if "space" is code for break up because she's too afraid to say the words. If the latter no Valentines. If she's scared reassurance may help. Unfortunately, a 50 year old woman should know her own mind. A 7 year LDR where you still haven't closed the distance . . a 4 year engagement with no date set . . . it sounds like neither of you have been in a rush to truly blend your lives. Although it's been a while, you may have become each other's transition person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 It is not a good sign that she needs space from a relationship in which you only see each other a few times a year to begin with. It's also not great that you have been engaged for 4 years now; what is the hold-up there? Her or you or..? My guess is that she is on her way out of the relationship but since she knows you're naturally quite invested, she is having a hard time being honest and thus hurting you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 so.. here's the good and bad. AND PLEASE take this with a grain of salt... there is always exceptions, and this could be one of those... The GOOD: 1) she said she didn't want to date others, right? 2) She needs space to figure herself out, as in NC; She needs to figure herself out. The BAD: 1) she could be just saying that to reduce the amount of drama / blow back from you, if she were to say, she found someone else and wanted to move on. 2) You guys see each other 3-4x a YEAR... i presume you guys communicate daily or something like that via calls/text/vid chat... if she wants MORE space than that, that means she wants to break up. I realize this is hard to hear, but this is just a nice way of break up. Whether she has another guy, who knows... but it seems likely. OR this is some HUGE test to see if you're serious, but that depends... between the two of you, who seems to be the one for the engagement? who seems to be talking plans to move in together? Personally, i say move on. Go work out at the gym to get over these frustrations, b/c this is basically a nice way to break up with you, though honestly, it's kinda mean. She shouldn't leave you hanging... Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 Dunno if well see ya here again but yeah , sorry to say but l don't think it's a good sign either and sooooo 50s divorced woman. We might be wrong, no one could know. But all this l need to find myself bullshyt pretty well means and sorry to say again but she could end up doing anything , flying into mlc, she probably already is, who bloody knows just throw a dart at the board and see where it lands is as gooda guess as any tbh. Personally , l think for your own safety and protection of heart , it might be best to more think of it as just done and with no future expectations of the relationship , or maybe a foot on both sides of the fence if you can . Maybe open to this possibly coming good , but also looking out for yourself to and thinking planning what you wanna do with your new life to that could well be without her. Vd , l dunno , up to you , probly won't change a thing either way so if you wanna , wth. Best of luck with everything anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 It’s a long distance relationship but she wants space????? Its over. Just let this go rather than chase (which just pushes them farther away). stop wasting your time Link to post Share on other sites
RedOlive Posted January 24, 2020 Share Posted January 24, 2020 Is it possible that she gave you 4 years of engagement to take action of either bridging the distance and/or actually getting married and now she is tired of waiting? Hard to know what your communication is like, but is it possible your view of how relationships is going (or not) and what the goals are were and continue to be different from hers? She may just be giving up on something that seems hopeless to her. Link to post Share on other sites
CAPSLOCK CROOK Posted January 24, 2020 Share Posted January 24, 2020 This sounds like a very unhealthy relationship... 7 years of LDR is EXTREMELY unhealthy... This sounds like torture. When a woman asks for space, that means somebody else is occupying your space, plain and simple. I have never known a woman to ask to be alone, not even once. What has probably happened is that she has been introduced to a guy with a bigger social circle and has realized how having a long-distance relationship has affected her overall social value. LDR is incendiary for social value. She has found a group of people that make her feel valuable, I imagine. You should probably move on bro. Maybe I am wrong, but LDR sucks in the first place... We all deserve more than LDR, don't settle for the invisible man or woman. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
scooby-philly Posted January 29, 2020 Share Posted January 29, 2020 I agree with the previous posters. No, you can ask her to provide more information on why she needs space and what's going on - but that may not go the way you imagine it. If she's over 50 and cannot tell you that you took to long to set a date for marriage and/or to talk about it not being a LDR, then she's not a great catch anyway. If you didn't ever contemplate how to bridge the gap and when to actually get married, you've left room in her mind/heart to pursue others, even if just emotionally or via fantasy. LDRs can work - though rarely - but they require becoming non-LDRs after a certain point in time. Unfortunately there's nothing you can do or say in this situation. Any pressing of her may cause problems or not lead to a future together. The ball is in her court - leave it there, walk away and if she does just need to figure stuff out and still cares about you and has the courage to admit she was in the wrong, she'll come back. Link to post Share on other sites
simpycurious Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 maybe, she met someone new and CLOSER Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted February 26, 2020 Share Posted February 26, 2020 That's BS... Why are guys putting up with this s--t? I know that if I was asking for space, I wouldn't want him to leave me alone. But I'm a Southern European, and I'm not sure where she's from. So what did you do in the end? And how did that work out for you? Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted February 26, 2020 Share Posted February 26, 2020 6 hours ago, justwhoiam said: That's BS... Why are guys putting up with this s--t? I know that if I was asking for space, I wouldn't want him to leave me alone. But I'm a Southern European, and I'm not sure where she's from. So what did you do in the end? And how did that work out for you? Op hasn't even been back anyway by the look so not like it matters but , how do you mean if you asked for space you "wouldn't" , want him to leave you alone ? Why ask for space then ? Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted February 27, 2020 Share Posted February 27, 2020 15 hours ago, chillii said: Op hasn't even been back Didn't I notice? 🙂 Quote not like it matters but how do you mean if you asked for space you "wouldn't" want him to leave you alone? Why ask for space then? I might have my reasons. Like I might be put off, or disgusted, who knows. But if he really cares, making it better is on him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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