Friend won't flush the toilet in my house

[ccas93]

So for the last 5 or 6 years I generally invite this friend over (we're both 26 year old men) to my house when my parents go on vacation. Mostly we relax and have a good time, and usually it's fairly smooth and fun having him over.

But there's some issues I have with the way he conducts himself in my house. He WILL NOT flush his pee away when he uses my toilet. I find it gross and it smells funny, like asparagus. So I have been asking him NICELY for years to please flush my toilet when he uses it. And he always says some BS sorry or that he will. Sometimes he giggles at me like it's a joke. Earlier this month was the last time he came over, he didn't flush AGAIN and I had it with him. I pretty much yelled at him to flush my toilet. He responded with a very insincere sorry, but I kept going and being mad and he said, "what's the problem though?? It's just yellow" and I say "No! It's disgusting to look at and it smells bad! Please just flush it!" and eventually in the car when we go out, he gives me a solemn "hey, I'm really sorry, I will start flushing the toilet now." This apology and oath didn't mean anything to me since I have been asking him for years to and he has never consistently done it. 

On top of that, he has also known to be a liability in my house. Leaving stove gas on while he was cooking (and I was in the shower), breaking dishes out of carelessness, not chopping food on a cutting board, letting fruit juice drip all over the rug while eating, and giggling about it when I get mad, like all like it's a joke to him. 

He does the bells and whistles friendship BS like bringing me over a gift. Like, thanks for the gift man, but what I really want is just basic respect in my house. 

Am I crazy or am I right in feeling incredibly disrespected? What should I do if he does this again? 

 

Edited January 22, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[JTSW]

Getting mad and yelling at him wont help.

It'll just cause animosity between you and you don't want that with a friend.

He just sounds the lazy type that doesn't realize seriousness of his actions.

Have a talk with him and calmly tell him that that things need to change if he wants to continue coming over.

[clia]

Stop inviting him over.  He sounds like a complete moron.  

[ccas93]

10 hours ago, JTSW said:

Getting mad and yelling at him wont help.

It'll just cause animosity between you and you don't want that with a friend.

He just sounds the lazy type that doesn't realize seriousness of his actions.

Have a talk with him and calmly tell him that that things need to change if he wants to continue coming over.

Thanks for the response. You are 100% right that he doesn't realize the seriousness of his actions, that's almost like his defining characteristic. I have been having calm, rational talks with him for years and it doesn't work either. It's almost like you have to be an A-hole to get through to him. Which maybe explains why he issues in almost every single relationship he has with another person. I'm thinking about cutting him out of my life for a while but it's hard to do that with someone you been friends with for 20 years. I don't even think he would really care if I told him I'm not inviting him over anymore. I don't know if he TRULY cares about anyone but himself. He is really a frustrating person who has mastered the art of playing games. 

Edited January 21, 2020 by ccas93

[Artdeco]

While I understand that this behavior is annoying to you, I think it’s not severe enough to risk an entire 20-year-old friendship. He’s just lazy and careless and maybe he still needs to grow up. If he also still lives with his parents like you do then maybe he hasn’t learned the basics of managing a household and how to keep things clean. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I find cutting him out of your life crass ...... he’s not a bad friend per se, is he? Be glad to “just” be his friend and not his gf or spouse!! 

Edited January 21, 2020 by Artdeco

[major_merrick]

Sounds like somebody was raised with the phrase "If it is yellow, let it mellow...."  I had to re-learn etiquette when I moved out of my parents house, because my mother would yell at me for wasting water.  I specifically remember an incident when the valve broke and the toilet started to overflow.  My father threw me on the floor and beat me until I had bloody stripes on my back.  Sometimes, childhood is difficult to overcome and you don't always know your friend's background. 

For the appearance and the smell, I'd get one of those blue toilet wafers that you drop in the tank, and also get one of those bleach wafers.  The wafers last for a month or two and cost very little.  Your toilet will then smell like bleach and the water will look blue.  You won't notice if there's pee in there or not.  Problem solved! (At least, mostly.)  But if other aspects of your friendship are starting to irritate you, then maybe a break is in order. 

[ChatroomHero]

So, I have friends, one in particular, similar to this. It's either put up with it or put your foot down. I find putting your foot down works for a couple of months at a time, but some behaviors may stop or they might be more mindful. A few months later you have to go through it again. Some things they may make an honest effort not to do once you make a bit of a display to prove the point.

Like when he comes over, lock the bathroom door. When he goes to take a leak and says, hey, the door is locked, you don't open it until he promises to flush. If he doesn't flush, you lock the door and tell him if he needs to go, he'll have to go somewhere else...or (if you have a carpet cleaner that you can use after the fact, or better yet make him use after) tell him you want to go to the bar and him to drive...take a pudding cup and when you get in his car, open it and just throw it on the floor. Then give a fake "sorry" and make some joke and act like it didn't happen. Yes, passive-aggressive as hell but I have found with friends that are disrespectful like that, it speaks to them on their level. I have found that a few months later when something disrespectful happens again, you can just say, "Do I need to go buy pudding again?" and they immediately get your full argument via your 'joke' and usually you get a "you're right, I am sorry!". I don't think they ever change their habits much but I have found a display like that can actually be a bit funnier and less of a yelling argument.

[basil67]

33 minutes ago, major_merrick said:

For the appearance and the smell, I'd get one of those blue toilet wafers that you drop in the tank, and also get one of those bleach wafers.

Oooh, that's a good idea.  We're all on water restrictions here.

[basil67]

ccas93, how about the two of you do things outside the house?   Then his actions are no longer your problem.

[major_merrick]

8 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Oooh, that's a good idea.  We're all on water restrictions here.

If I had to deal with that, I'd be doing it OUTSIDE. 

[basil67]

If I had land big enough, I probably would.   But we are urban.

[MsJayne]

I have a male friend who doesn't flush, and he also always dribbles pee on the toilet floor.  I've known other people to get really angry at him when he does this in their house, but I just wait 'til he's gone and then go straight in there with rubber gloves up to my armpits and the disinfectant..... The reason I react that way is that I grew up with a neurotic hygiene nutter spinning out if I so much as left a crumb on her clean chopping board when I came home from school and made a sandwich.  I remember her going off her rocker one day over something trivial,  and the night before our neighbour's husband had been killed in a car accident, and all I could think was, "Wow, what sort of a moron stands 'round bitching about sandwich crumbs when the family next door has just lost their husband and father"  -  in other words, there's real bad stuff going on out there, does a bit of pee really matter in the big scheme of things? 

On the other hand, if it bothers you that much, retaliate.  I used to share a house with a chick who wouldn't wash dishes, there'd be a mountain in the sink and they'd stink, (and after growing up with The Hygiene Psycho you can imagine how distraught I was by this).  I asked her nicely a couple of times if there was any danger of her cleaning up after herself, pointed out that cockroaches were moving in, and she would give me a smirk and tell me I worried too much.  But that all changed when I collected the stinking dishes late one night and deposited them in her bed, greasy fry pans,  cups with coagulated coffee, bits of old bacon and cheese, possibly a cockroach or two..........the whole lot.  She went ballistic,  but I just smirked at her and told her she worried too much.  Perhaps you should start peeing in jars, write "surprise" on the jar and randomly sneak them into your buddies bag.  Actions always speak louder than words. 

[ccas93]

2 hours ago, ChatroomHero said:

So, I have friends, one in particular, similar to this. It's either put up with it or put your foot down. I find putting your foot down works for a couple of months at a time, but some behaviors may stop or they might be more mindful. A few months later you have to go through it again. Some things they may make an honest effort not to do once you make a bit of a display to prove the point.

Like when he comes over, lock the bathroom door. When he goes to take a leak and says, hey, the door is locked, you don't open it until he promises to flush. If he doesn't flush, you lock the door and tell him if he needs to go, he'll have to go somewhere else...or (if you have a carpet cleaner that you can use after the fact, or better yet make him use after) tell him you want to go to the bar and him to drive...take a pudding cup and when you get in his car, open it and just throw it on the floor. Then give a fake "sorry" and make some joke and act like it didn't happen. Yes, passive-aggressive as hell but I have found with friends that are disrespectful like that, it speaks to them on their level. I have found that a few months later when something disrespectful happens again, you can just say, "Do I need to go buy pudding again?" and they immediately get your full argument via your 'joke' and usually you get a "you're right, I am sorry!". I don't think they ever change their habits much but I have found a display like that can actually be a bit funnier and less of a yelling argument.

Ughhhh I really wish that worked with him. Which it might with most people. In the past when I've tried to "give him a taste of his own medicine" I find that he doesn't really care, and sees it as permission to keep playing passive aggressive games since I've started too. 

[ccas93]

1 hour ago, MsJayne said:

I have a male friend who doesn't flush, and he also always dribbles pee on the toilet floor.  I've known other people to get really angry at him when he does this in their house, but I just wait 'til he's gone and then go straight in there with rubber gloves up to my armpits and the disinfectant..... The reason I react that way is that I grew up with a neurotic hygiene nutter spinning out if I so much as left a crumb on her clean chopping board when I came home from school and made a sandwich.  I remember her going off her rocker one day over something trivial,  and the night before our neighbour's husband had been killed in a car accident, and all I could think was, "Wow, what sort of a moron stands 'round bitching about sandwich crumbs when the family next door has just lost their husband and father"  -  in other words, there's real bad stuff going on out there, does a bit of pee really matter in the big scheme of things? 

On the other hand, if it bothers you that much, retaliate.  I used to share a house with a chick who wouldn't wash dishes, there'd be a mountain in the sink and they'd stink, (and after growing up with The Hygiene Psycho you can imagine how distraught I was by this).  I asked her nicely a couple of times if there was any danger of her cleaning up after herself, pointed out that cockroaches were moving in, and she would give me a smirk and tell me I worried too much.  But that all changed when I collected the stinking dishes late one night and deposited them in her bed, greasy fry pans,  cups with coagulated coffee, bits of old bacon and cheese, possibly a cockroach or two..........the whole lot.  She went ballistic,  but I just smirked at her and told her she worried too much.  Perhaps you should start peeing in jars, write "surprise" on the jar and randomly sneak them into your buddies bag.  Actions always speak louder than words. 

I'm definitely no neat freak. It's less about the neatness and more about the fact that he doesn't seem to respect my house when he expects people to respect his.

Yes, I'd love to pee all over his floor and see how he reacts and then hit him with "who cares? It's just yellow and it's sterile..." But like I said in a previous post, the more I played games in the past with him, the more I find that he sees it as permission to engage in these games. He is really a different breed. 

[ccas93]

3 hours ago, major_merrick said:

Sounds like somebody was raised with the phrase "If it is yellow, let it mellow...."  I had to re-learn etiquette when I moved out of my parents house, because my mother would yell at me for wasting water.  I specifically remember an incident when the valve broke and the toilet started to overflow.  My father threw me on the floor and beat me until I had bloody stripes on my back.  Sometimes, childhood is difficult to overcome and you don't always know your friend's background. 

For the appearance and the smell, I'd get one of those blue toilet wafers that you drop in the tank, and also get one of those bleach wafers.  The wafers last for a month or two and cost very little.  Your toilet will then smell like bleach and the water will look blue.  You won't notice if there's pee in there or not.  Problem solved! (At least, mostly.)  But if other aspects of your friendship are starting to irritate you, then maybe a break is in order. 

I agree but after like 6 years of asking him politely but firmly to please flush, I'd think he would have learned by now. And we actually did have the bleach wafters in one time when he was over. The water was blue, but unfortunately one night it turned green. Also, unfortunately, I know how the color wheel works 😂

Edited January 22, 2020 by ccas93

[ccas93]

So what I've decided to do is this. Not just because of the toilet incident (that was the final straw) but because of a few issues I've had with this guy over the years: I'm just going to block his phone number and move on.

Only doing it because I guess he has forgotten the deep talk we had last year about our friendship and what it takes for someone to keep my trust (his behavior doesn't keep anyone's trust, let alone mine). I told him all I want to be friends and don't want to have to have more drama with him. So I'm not going to. 

If he realizes that I've blocked him (he is technologically inept so he may never realize I did) and he really cares, he can message me on social media to work things out. If doesn't care enough to, then time to move on and form new and better friendships with people I don't resent. 

Edited January 22, 2020 by ccas93

[ChatroomHero]

11 hours ago, ccas93 said:

Ughhhh I really wish that worked with him. Which it might with most people. In the past when I've tried to "give him a taste of his own medicine" I find that he doesn't really care, and sees it as permission to keep playing passive aggressive games since I've started too. 

Yeah, that type of person there is not much you can really do. My friend at least would genuinely feel bad and sorry and try for a bit. I could tell him 5 times and it would be, ok, ok...but if I made a display we would both generally laugh at it and it would stick with him for a while. After that if it happened again, I would say something and he would apologize and be good for a while after. To me it was more out of sight, out of mind with him and not exactly intentional but not exactly respectful. 

I think there are generally two types of people; Ones that will come to your house and respect the house and your property even more than their own out of respect and ones that treat it like Mom and Dad's house...something gets broken or damaged or misused and doesn't care because it is not their problem. Hope you get through to him and maybe he grows up a bit.