Seeking Sympathetic Support pt 2

[smellysocksuni]

(I wanted to add to my previous thread, but it told me to start a new one instead - https://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/578452-seeking-sympathetic-emotional-supportinput-on-this-break-upsituation/page/2/#comments )

It's been a while and I've been really struggling with a lot of feelings since this all ended. I came back and read the above thread, and realised that she had never really treated me well at all. Whether intentional or not, she just never really seemed to truly want to treat me well. I think, reading that old thread, that it's just clear she wasn't into me in the same way. All of that time spent with me, telling me how much she had connected with me, etc - I guess it wasn't genuine. I feel so foolish for constantly, over our entire degree, trying to be with her, trying to get her attention. She now has me blocked, which I guess is just the latest line in her crap behaviour towards me. I had been struggling so much with letting go and understanding 'why' she did any of this - in particular the shouting angry outburst in front of her family - but I guess it's just because she doesn't care about me that much. Ah well.

 

 

 

[d0nnivain]

Oh honey.  I only skimmed your previous thread but it breaks my heart that a year+ later you are still hung up on this.  Her blocking you is actually a good thing.  It may just be the kick in the behind you need to move forward without her.  Who knows why she was hot & cold?  Doesn't really matter.  You deserve to have somebody consistent.  Recognize all the things that were wrong here.  Learn to spot the red flags then move forward in a healthy happy relationship with somebody else. 

Best wishes.  

[FMW]

We frequently don't understand why someone does what they do, it's one of those things we have to come to terms with and be able to move ahead.

Staying so focused on her will keep you blind to other opportunities that will come along for happiness with someone else.  Most of us have had our hearts broken, sometimes more than once.  It's difficult, but when you push through it you'll get to a point of wondering why you wasted so much time missing her, you'll discover there are other women out there that will make you so much happier.

I'm sure that just sounds like blah, blah, blah to you right now.  But if you'll work hard on letting it go, you'll see that it's true.    

[scooby-philly]

@smellysocksuni - Hey dude - did you start your counseling at school yet? I'm sorry if you're feeling the blues again. Winter time and the holidays and post-holidays can really exacerbate depression or sadness. I myself hit a wall of depression this past weekend. It' will be 5 months on Wednesday since my ex dumped me. I cried like a baby, wailed, screamed, etc. for an hour on Saturday night before bed. Had a good long message swap with our mutual buddy Beachead and you know - I'm better today than yesterday, and way better than the day before. I think...and I have read your story several times since we started chatting, that for decent, good men, it's hard for us to understand non-decent, or selfish, or deceitful, or even immature people, especially younger women. I feel your pain so much! And I know it's terrible for you because you still see her around campus. Are you in any classes with her this semester? I think you need to do what I need to do - which is make that list of horrible traits, bad things, and other negative thoughts about her and keep it handy. While I tried doing that back in October myself, I didn't stick with it. So when my mind spirals - not really from missing her, but from it still not completely over the "what do I do wrong" phase...or from just missing not having that special someone to talk to in the morning, to hold, to be vulnerable to, and other frustrations with life, my mind focuses on her as if getting back together with her would suddenly change everything. Which of course, it won't. We cannot understand what's in a person's heart 99.9% of the time. And unfortunately for good, caring, giving men we often get burned early in our dating lives because we assume everyone else is like us. But they're not. And what she did and how she did it and the other info you shared about her and what she's been doing (not necessarily to you, but just her overall behavior) since she dumped you - proves that she is immature, needy, and just wants attention from people. Most girls aren't ready for "true love" till their mid 20's at least these days, and in reality, even when they get older, this generation (and I'm first year millennial at 38) is so overwhelmingly materialistic, selfish, shallow, and cold. They follow instagram, they compare their lives to reality tv, and they have no soul or opinions or ideas outside of what social media tells them they should. So - you're better off without her. And you're better off having learned this lesson.  Stay strong and again - do you still have your counselling sessions coming up?

[Beachead]

Hey Smellysocksuni,

Remember awhile back, I mentioned the people treat you has more to do with them.  This is especially true for your case. 

Most girls at that age are young and immature.  For them, life is just starting out, they don't know themselves well, they lack experience.  We all make mistakes and do stupid things throughout our life but this especially reigns true for us in our teens and our 20's.  It's a time for self-discovery and exploration, though at that stage in life, we don't know it.  We all think who we are at that age and we've gone through is what life will be forever.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  Life, time and trauma shapes and changes us all..including her.   It's hard to see that behind the facade women project because they're very good at hiding it..better than we are...but they are going through this transition as well.  It's only when something challenging arises that demands the best of character that you often see the whole facade break, and people show just how young they are. 

This is just a stage in her life that will lead to whom she will become much later in life.  What you really don't want to do is, hold her to a particular period of time when she was a immature and inconsiderate and rude and just a general idiot..and suffer over it, because she might change later in life, and you're going to still be dwelling over who she was..over a person who no longer exists..and you will rob yourself of having a good life.

In addition, as Scooby mentioned, people are influenced by what they think relationships are which often derives from family and friends, social media,  tv and movies and what they generally see around them in their day to day..for men and for women.  So much of that clutter can pull people away from whom they could be and directs them  towards who we think they should be.

..and their past, especially their past affects the way they treat people, the choices the make, the things they say etc.

So in summary, there's a lot going on behind a person's behaviour and a lot of it is something you have no control over.  It's not your fault.  You know this but you forget and you regress to this.

Solution

I can't stress it enough.  Write.  Always write.   

1. Reinforce the good qualities about yourself.  2 strengths you have and 2 moments in your life that you were proud of.  Why were you proud of them?  What did you do?  What did that show you about yourself?

2. Reinforce what you want to achieve for yourself in your life no matter how far-fetched you think it might be.  Set up the necessary steps to get there.  Long-term goals, Intermediate goals, and short term goals.  What kind of career do you see yourself having?  Will you live for your career or do you want to spend time pursing your hobbies and relaxing at home?  What kind of hobbies would they be? Where do you envision yourself living?  What does your house look like?  What colour are the walls?  Is it 2 floor house out in the suburbs or a condo in the city?   Will you have a pet to keep you company?  A cat or a dog?  Would you have a big or small backyard?  How about a balcony instead?  What kind of woman would you want?  What would be the qualities in her would you need and value?  What would be the top 2 most important qualities about her?  What colour are her eyes and her hair?  Do you even see yourself settling down?

Get specific.  Dive into yourself and get open and honest.  When your mind goes on her and you think the way you do, you feel hopeless and out of control. This gets you to focus on yourself, not on her.  Gets you focusing on what you can control, not what you can't.  Eventually, through that pursuit of building yourself, you accomplish little things here and there and you build hope that things can be better and confidence in yourself, that you can make them better.  

3. Address all the negative qualities about her and the relationship and why it wasn't going to work, through consistent, daily writing.  Daily .    You ofcourse already know she's horrible and a bad person for you, I've heard you say it many times..but you can't stop yourself from making her the end-all, be-all of your life, which is why your hurting over her regularly.  This is ofcourse exacerbated by seeing her everyday on campus but you're stuck there until you can get out.  Until then, reinforcing all her negative qualities regularly is a must to keep your mind grounded. To build a habit, you have to practice it for months, everyday.  Do not skip a day.  Eventually, it because natural and suddenly without thinking you do it.  If you can practice yourself into daily misery, you can practice yourself into this as well.

Stay strong

- Beach

[scooby-philly]

11 hours ago, Beachead said:

I can't stress it enough.  Write.  Always write.   

1. Reinforce the good qualities about yourself.  2 strengths you have and 2 moments in your life that you were proud of.  Why were you proud of them?  What did you do?  What did that show you about yourself?

2. Reinforce what you want to achieve for yourself in your life no matter how far-fetched you think it might be.  Set up the necessary steps to get there.  Long-term goals, Intermediate goals, and short term goals.  What kind of career do you see yourself having?  Will you live for your career or do you want to spend time pursing your hobbies and relaxing at home?  What kind of hobbies would they be? Where do you envision yourself living?  What does your house look like?  What colour are the walls?  Is it 2 floor house out in the suburbs or a condo in the city?   Will you have a pet to keep you company?  A cat or a dog?  Would you have a big or small backyard?  How about a balcony instead?  What kind of woman would you want?  What would be the qualities in her would you need and value?  What would be the top 2 most important qualities about her?  What colour are her eyes and her hair?  Do you even see yourself settling down?

Get specific.  Dive into yourself and get open and honest.  When your mind goes on her and you think the way you do, you feel hopeless and out of control. This gets you to focus on yourself, not on her.  Gets you focusing on what you can control, not what you can't.  Eventually, through that pursuit of building yourself, you accomplish little things here and there and you build hope that things can be better and confidence in yourself, that you can make them better.  

3. Address all the negative qualities about her and the relationship and why it wasn't going to work, through consistent, daily writing.  Daily .    You ofcourse already know she's horrible and a bad person for you, I've heard you say it many times..but you can't stop yourself from making her the end-all, be-all of your life, which is why your hurting over her regularly.  This is ofcourse exacerbated by seeing her everyday on campus but you're stuck there until you can get out.  Until then, reinforcing all her negative qualities regularly is a must to keep your mind grounded. To build a habit, you have to practice it for months, everyday.  Do not skip a day.  Eventually, it because natural and suddenly without thinking you do it.  If you can practice yourself into daily misery, you can practice yourself into this as well.

Stay strong

- Beach

The man, the myth, the legend. BOOM ALL YOU NEED @smellysocksuni. 

[smellysocksuni]

On 1/20/2020 at 1:34 AM, d0nnivain said:

Oh honey.  I only skimmed your previous thread but it breaks my heart that a year+ later you are still hung up on this.  Her blocking you is actually a good thing.  It may just be the kick in the behind you need to move forward without her.  Who knows why she was hot & cold?  Doesn't really matter.  You deserve to have somebody consistent.  Recognize all the things that were wrong here.  Learn to spot the red flags then move forward in a healthy happy relationship with somebody else. 

Best wishes.  

Thank you for being so understanding.