Sometime Love Has No Rhyme or Reason....

[MusicallyMrM]

😳  I'm going to preface by saying that this could be perilously long so I will try and abbreviate it as best as I can without cutting away the most important (or even juiciest parts.)

 

I spent over 34 years as a public school music teacher and though I can truly say that I never found myself in a compromising position with high school student, I have some feelings right now in regard to an ex-student of mine.  (To clarify further, she is now 47 and I am a little older than that.) 😃

She was that kid way back then that was really shy, very quiet.....even demure.   She was also that student that was always hard-working, on task, worked really hard for me as a music student and I used to feel that there some feelings there-student teacher crush maybe.  I always kept my boundaries.  Always the teacher........   She was an ideal student and I almost thought of her as one of my own children.   When she graduated with a scholarship to college I was elated for her.  I remember her coming to me on the day after graduation and she hugged me and thanked me all I had done for her and she said, "Mr.M, I am going to make you proud"  I was humbled.  Kept up with her achievements throughout college.  (Her mother always contacted me to let me know how she was doing.)  When she graduated, I attended.  Doted on her like a proud father almost.  Not long after that, she got a job as an educator, then she met a guy and got married (and I did her wedding music/solo for her), not too long after that had a child and then around 2010, she graduated from graduate school about the same time she got a divorce from her spouse.  Over the years (as I did with many of my former students, male and female), we kept in touch.

 

Segue to now.  The Facebook era.  A few years back, we became FB friends and the social media connection gave me a front row seat to her life growing up as a single mother, hard-working educator as well  as other aspects of her life.  We stayed close and connected.  I thought it was  a healthy Facebook-ish of friendship.  She also posted lot's of pics of herself and life events and amazingly......

......she had grown from this very cute kid to this gorgeous woman seemingly right before my eyes.  A whole lot of times over the years, she herself bought this metamorphosis to my attention and shared with me that she "used to have a crush on me"  back during her high school days.  She (a communication major as well) had this way of making allusions to her feelings about me, how thankful she was to have had me as her music teacher.  She coined this phrase between the two of us that "she and I, our connection beyond the band years is forever".  Oh there is the usual, "you are like a brother, a father, a friend, etc." kind of banter between us but there are also other things that she says that carry stronger meaning to to our ongoing connection through the years and they are beginning to feel a lot more  personal and a little less "teacher-student". 

In 2019, she lost her mother (I lost mine a year earlier; both suffered from the same type of illness) and in that same year, she was involved in an auto accident which severely injured her leg/foot.   Her being who she is makes me feel a very close kinship to these difficult times for her.  And she has a lot of family and support yet, she stays in touch, calls me almost exclusively sometimes for "comfort" and when she needs to talk and we talk about everything.  We don't live in the same city but she Facetimes me often or sends me pictures.  Some of these images are "beyond" just friendly.  They are sexy, inviting.......pulling me into her sensuality and if I didn't know any better, she seems to be coming onto me sometimes.

She has a birthday coming up next month and I am planning to go and see her.  In my mind, I want to hold her, kiss her, cuddle her up and offer "friendly reassurance that every thing is gonna be alright but I'd be foolish to think that I'm not attracted to this extremely attractive younger woman and if the right chemistry starts, I don't know how much I can resist the temptations.....

 

...and yes I have a wife (we own two homes; she lives in one, I live in the other)  We started growing apart after our kids left and she is happy living across town.  Another story for another post.  I feel like I want to be open and honest with my ex student and while I visit here, If something more "jumps off between us", I really want to be able to act on it.   I don't ever want to lose her respect or her friendship-that would just kill me but I want to push this envelope, emotionally, physically, spiritually-whatever "illy" presents itself if it truly presents itself.  What should I do?  My mind is traveling 100 mph and I might even say that I am a little apprehensive because common sense and the opinions of others around me are troubling the waters but I admit that I truly desire more.  Sometimes Love Has no Rhyme; Has no Reason even when you try to be cool.   What do I do? 🙃😲😨

Edited January 20, 2020 by MusicallyMrM

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

7 minutes ago, MusicallyMrM said:

...and yes I have a wife (we own two homes; she lives in one, I live in the other)  We started growing apart after our kids left and she is happy living across town.  Another story for another post.

How about this post?  This is hugely important.

[spiritedaway2003]

I understand where you are coming from. Whether yours is a case of love or a developing attraction (or lust), that’s still to be determined. It sounds more like the latter, given that you are getting the attention that you are desiring and you are growing apart in your marriage.  It’s a dangerous combination.

My advice: I suggest you nip this in the bud while you are ahead.  You are married and have a wife.  Please sort out your own marriage first before pursuing another person (either continue to work on it or get a divorce first).

Affairs are incredibly painful and the trauma they cause are not for the faint of the heart.  I won’t even go into the other issues I see ahead for you if you choose to pursue this path.  Sorry to burst your bubble, but please be single first before pursuing another woman.

[MusicallyMrM]

31 minutes ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

I understand where you are coming from. Whether yours is a case of love or a developing attraction (or lust), that’s still to be determined. It sounds more like the latter, given that you are getting the attention that you are desiring and you are growing apart in your marriage.  It’s a dangerous combination.

My advice: I suggest you nip this in the bud while you are ahead.  You are married and have a wife.  Please sort out your own marriage first before pursuing another person (either continue to work on it or get a divorce first).

Affairs are incredibly painful and the trauma they cause are not for the faint of the heart.  I won’t even go into the other issues I see ahead for you if you choose to pursue this path.  Sorry to burst your bubble, but please be single first before pursuing another woman.

Thank you for your "truthful" response ☺

[chillii]

Your marriage is well well past growing apart by the sounds.

The woman , some women just really know what they're on about no matter the age, they're special, they know it when they see it and feel it and it won't change, especially the quieter ones , they're often made of very deep stuff. So it wouldn't surprise me one bit if she still feels exactly the same . Nottttt that l'm encouraging anything haha, just sayin what l think.

Edited January 20, 2020 by chillii

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

As if you got me invested in your story to drop 3/4 of the way through that you got a wife like bruuuh...

If you own property together, especially two homes, you cannot afford to screw around dude, if you are gonna divorce this woman, shes got you for Alimony and you may possibly have to sell both properties depending how things go.

Also, you gotta be like 60 or something to be her teacher if she is 47 now, why not just go for big air and get yourself a young 20 year old? 

 

[MusicallyMrM]

13 hours ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

As if you got me invested in your story to drop 3/4 of the way through that you got a wife like bruuuh...

If you own property together, especially two homes, you cannot afford to screw around dude, if you are gonna divorce this woman, shes got you for Alimony and you may possibly have to sell both properties depending how things go.

Also, you gotta be like 60 or something to be her teacher if she is 47 now, why not just go for big air and get yourself a young 20 year old? 

 

There are moments that loom like lifetimes affirming for me that I am right and should simply follow my heart.  I mentioned  my wife (important point) no doubt because both of us feel that our ship has sailed.  We both feel that a divorce is very detrimental to us both financially and emotionally.  As I stated earlier, that last 1/4 of the story is big enough for another topic by itself.  As far as "G" goes (that's what I will call my love interest), she wasn't just any woman.  I don't need or want a "trophy chick" of 20 years as was suggested.  No big air there my friend.  G is more of a jewel and there is a long term connection between us.   We all have a right to happiness, do we not?  Something deep inside tells me that "she" would make me happy and I her.  As far as ages go, my 60 as opposed to her very mature 47 would not be an issue in the foreseeable future.  The quality of the time spent is ultimately the most important entity.  😌

Edited January 20, 2020 by MusicallyMrM

[FMW]

IF your wife is ok with you being involved with someone else, and IF your former student understands exactly what you are offering her and what you are NOT offering, then you can see what happens, with everyone knowing what's up. 

But if your wife won't be cool with it, and the former student shows any indication of wanting more than you can give her, then shut it down.  

Sounds really messy to me, but I'm aware of other similar setups.  But again, the key is that everyone has to be on the same page. 

You haven't mentioned if you and your wife have discussed having an open marriage, given your state of disconnect.   

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

47 minutes ago, Finding my way said:

 

You haven't mentioned if you and your wife have discussed having an open marriage, given your state of disconnect.   

Yes, this is key.  If she encourages it and G is fine with never marrying you because you have a wife for life, I see nothing wrong with pursuing it.  

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

I think you should have an actual discussion with your wife about it, this whole idea of ships sailing sounds a bit ambiguous. Does she see other men?

[MusicallyMrM]

4 hours ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

I think you should have an actual discussion with your wife about it, this whole idea of ships sailing sounds a bit ambiguous. Does she see other men?

She has male friends.....they do maintenance at the other property when I am out traveling with my band.  She secures their services, not me.  She has male friends that take her to dinner, movies, etc.  The wife is a little younger than me if that makes any difference.  If they are doing anything else other than socializing?  I don't know......to be honest, I don't want to know.  Not my business.  We have had that conversation which ending with her saying "We can be fr, even roomates". We don't have to get a divorce.  I don't know that I believe what she says but "that is what she says" 😏

Edited January 21, 2020 by MusicallyMrM

[FMW]

It's still not clear if your wife feels the way that you do - that your involvement with other women is none of her business.  I would suggest getting very clear before making any moves.  She's still your wife and can make things difficult for you if she chooses. 

And if you care about G, you don't want to put her in the position of being the shamed other woman.  Would you be comfortable with G spending a weekend at your house and your wife knowing about it?  If not, then you're in a position of sneaking around, meaning you know it's not really cool.   

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

10 hours ago, MusicallyMrM said:

She has male friends.....they do maintenance at the other property when I am out traveling with my band.  She secures their services, not me.  She has male friends that take her to dinner, movies, etc.  The wife is a little younger than me if that makes any difference.  If they are doing anything else other than socializing?  I don't know......to be honest, I don't want to know.  Not my business.  We have had that conversation which ending with her saying "We can be fr, even roomates". We don't have to get a divorce.  I don't know that I believe what she says but "that is what she says" 😏

This is a tough place for you to be in man, I can understand your longing for somebody new.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

This sounds like a mid-life crisis fantasy. It's easy to look at someone through rose-colored glasses when there aren't the daily stressors of bills, medical appointments, household chores, etc...

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

13 hours ago, MusicallyMrM said:

She has male friends.....they do maintenance at the other property when I am out traveling with my band.  She secures their services, not me.  She has male friends that take her to dinner, movies, etc.  The wife is a little younger than me if that makes any difference.  If they are doing anything else other than socializing?  I don't know......to be honest, I don't want to know.  Not my business.  We have had that conversation which ending with her saying "We can be fr, even roomates". We don't have to get a divorce.  I don't know that I believe what she says but "that is what she says" 😏

Why don't you two just talk about it and define things?  What's the harm in doing that?

[mark clemson]

IF you're going to open the marriage, it's only fair to inform your wife about it first. She may be pissed off and she MAY want to divorce if you seriously intend to do it. So that'd be a lot to consider.

That said, if you cheat and fall for this girl (sounds like you might) you may be tempted to leave your marriage AND even if you don't there are a variety of ways your wife will probably eventually find out. And so the fallout will begin at that point.

If possible,  don't engage the student physically in any way. To me, there is no "real" line crossed in that situation, however your wife may not feel the same way. Your wife may, one day, wish to read any/all of your texts, FB chats, etc with this woman and that could cause it's own ****storm whether or not anything physical happened.

There's only one truly easy way through this, and that's to not let it become either a physical or an emotional affair.

Welcome to the slippery slope. A LOT of LS'ers have been there or have been the unfortunate recipients of their spouse's failings.

[elaine567]

These throw away lines that wives are apt to make are just that, throw away lines.
BUT men chomping at the bit to sample  a new "love/sex interest" tend to read things into them that are not there and when the brown stuff hits the fan they realise just how far off the mark their thinking was.
You need to assume nothing here.

A) you need you clarify your position with this former student of yours. 
Yes she may be flattered by your attention, but that doesn't necessarily mean she wants  your romantic attention. 
Despite being 47, she may still see you as Mr M, her teacher.
I had a big crush on my maths teacher.
If he got in touch, then whilst I would be very happy catching up and even being friends, I am not sure I would be interested in a romantic way.
He would still be Mr G to me.
I know the age gap is "acceptable" but she may not really want to be catapulted into the 60+yo world...
At 47 she may feel she wants to put on the brakes and look towards youth, not hitch her wagon to an older man.
You need to make sure you are not projecting all your feelings of "love" onto her.

B) you need to properly clarify your relationship with  your wife. Women especially older women are pretty good at forming platonic relationships with men, so assuming she is not faithful to you and wouldn't care if you stepped out, is probably I feel an assumption too far.
This arrangement suits her, if you try to complicate things by adding another woman to the mix  especially sneakily, then all hell may break loose.

C) @Finding my way made a good point.
Being the OW, often results in heartache for a woman. MM who promise the earth then do not deliver ruin lives.
If you respect this woman and she is interested in you then clear all the paths for her and go forward honestly.

D) Even if this woman is not interested then I think you need to reassess the marriage and speak to your wife about the acceptable boundaries regarding this "living together apart" kind of an arrangement and whether this is actually doable long term for you both.

[Foxhall]

As the old saying goes it is hard for men and women to be just friends-one side always wants more

you have given such mental energy to this younger woman and in fairness got some encouragement back,

you have to make a move on her, its now or never for you,

 

 

 

[VioletVelvet]

Adding my two cents in agreement with above, and I'll add: G is in a vulnerable place right now since the recent loss of her mother. Yes, same can be said for you.

Two exceptionally vulnerable people in an exceptionally precarious position due to your marriage situation sounds like a recipe for toxicity. 

[MusicallyMrM]

On 1/22/2020 at 7:44 AM, Foxhall said:

As the old saying goes it is hard for men and women to be just friends-one side always wants more

you have given such mental energy to this younger woman and in fairness got some encouragement back,

you have to make a move on her, its now or never for you,

.....in spite of all the good and prudent advice, I have to make this move or I will regret it for the rest of my days.  This move will be part two of this post if anyone wants to follow it.  I have discovered another element inside of all these feelings between the both of us.  😯

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Edited January 30, 2020 by MusicallyMrM

[K.K.]

When are you going to tell her? 

Update when it happens.