mortensorchid Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 I have often times thought of this as it's been pointed out to me multiple times by my mom. We all share traits with our parents (like it or not), I'm sure everyone reading this will agree. I have all my Dad's mannerisms and whatnot, but I also share a few with my Mom - two of which I have trouble with. One was the weight gain aspect. In 2006 I was obese and one day my Dad solved the problem by telling me that I was the same age when my Mom was when she started gaining weight (my Mom is obese, like it or not). I said "I'll show YOU, guy!", joined Weight Watchers, lost 40 lbs and got back down to the middle range of my high school weight. I will be starting a diet again soon, I let myself gain about 20-25lbs back but that's another story. The other was this ... My parents were high school sweethearts. As far as I know, neither of them dated anyone else except each other. When I was going out with my high school sweetheart, my Mom remarked on this. He and I were together for 4 years. We started dating when I was in 10th grade (he was in 12th) and I was 15. He went away to college and the majority of the time we were together we were actually physically apart, looking back. Then I finished high school, also went away to college, and things changed quite a bit as they should have. I changed during that first year away, and he and I broke up the summer after my freshman year. I do not regret this, because I knew deep within myself that I had to grow and change and so did he, and the time had come for us to go our separate ways. Sometimes, however, I look back on that and think I was a complete and utter idiot - life has been so rough in the love department as well as other aspects (jobs, goals, etc.). This is probably the grass being greener on the other side syndrome, but I have often times wondered what if there is The ONE out there for each of us. And we are so stupid or whatever else that we didn't see it when it was before us. Maybe he was but neither of us was ready for it to happen when we knew each other. Had we met today it would be another story of course. Anyone ever think that? Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 most people who are in high school and college don't know their head from their ass and have almost no experience in life matters 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 I don’t really believe in a ‘soulmate’ or ‘the one’. Just people that we meet in life who we are more compatible with than others. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 (edited) There was someone back at 16. l knew then and she's still exactly what l'd still go for. And l mean we may as well have gotten married but l suppose it's probably lucky we didn't.These days are so different to our parents day , everything's different and people are different. Especially many long time married women once they've had kids and marriage and get 40s and 50s, l'd never trust marrying the child hood sweetheart at 20 or 21 these days. Sadly l think nothing secure about being married 2o yrs these days matter of fact that's about when it hits the fan. Our parents they were made of the grit and devotion needed for that stuff. Edited January 20, 2020 by chillii Link to post Share on other sites
K.K. Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 There is no ‘soulmate’ or ‘the one’. They are all different and make us different people in each case. You can love one just as much as another. They each hit a different spot in your ‘soul’ maybe. But there are several that can make you feel like they are the ‘one’. I mean, a soulmate concept couldn’t even be slightly true or real in any way. What if you’re in Saskatchewan and your chosen ‘soulmate’ of the universe lives in Boise, Idaho ?! I don’t really think the universe gives it that much thought. Do you? Nah. There’s many people out there that can touch your soul. You just haven’t found anything close yet, MC. Your day will come. Somehow, someway your day will come. Don’t look to each guy that puts eyes on you as a possible love interest because you’re just going to read s*** into it and be hurt. I feel for you though. I know it’s bound to be lonely. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 5 hours ago, mortensorchid said: I have often times wondered what if there is The ONE out there for each of us. Well that's the mythology. But I'm on my third 'soulmate' now, more if I include the people I got close to but never had a relationship. 55 minutes ago, K.K. said: There’s many people out there that can touch your soul. Exactly. And more than a few 'missed connections' for one reason or another. 1 hour ago, chillii said: l think nothing secure about being married 2o yrs these days matter of fact that's about when it hits the fan. True. Love and be happy yourself OP, that's what attracts others. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 When I was getting ready to divorce I thought back two different relationships from long ago, one in high school and one in college. I wondered if I had made a mistake by letting them get away, if I had missed what was "supposed to be". Later I came to see that it was just a product of where I was at the moment - I was ending a relationship and subconsciously (for the most part) wondering if there would ever be anyone else for me. I was feeling kind of lost and disconnected so I reached back to times when I didn't feel that emptiness. I soon fell really hard for someone else and realized that I still had the ability to connect. That relationship didn't end well, but it taught me a lot about myself and I feel confident about my ability to connect with others now and in the future. I don't believe there is one person that is perfect for us. i do believe that there are people we are meant to connect with, however briefly, that are part of our journey. We can connect with and love people in different ways and I believe we can be happy with different people. We change and grow over our lives (or at least we should), so we are not the same people we were at 18, or 25, or 30, etc. The people that were in our lives in the past have surely changed as well. So who's to say we would feel any connection at all with them if we met them for the first time in the present. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 no such thing as soul mate... it's a nice story or thought... this is the thing... there is such a thing as love... but love isn't devoid of choice or hard ship or responsibilities or realities. you CAN find someone to love, but you have to choose to love them. It helps when you both share similar goals and destinations... you will change over time, and you two will need to adapt and change as a couple... don't get distracted by others outside the relationship, b/c that will change you in ways that will create a bigger divide between you two..... and if that person also chooses to love you, and change with you, and grow with you... ... that's love. that's the destiny that you can create for you both... and that's the fairy tale that hollywood, and epic love stories and songs of ole never really tell you about... so go out there, and find love and find yourself and hopefully, you'll be found by someone who's where you are in life and love and choices... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hotpotato Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 I believe in the one, but for some people there may be more than one. Young love is more free, and it's easy to look back on it in a romanticized way. I didnt have a high school sweetheart, but I'd rather have had that and marry them than date. Many people in my town married a high school sweetheart. Some of the couples broke up for awhile then got back together. Frankly, if theres a soulmate out there for me, it would have been better to have met when I was younger. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 I think most LTRs come down to a choice to stay together or not. Many factors can influence that choice, not just how compatible you are (or aren't) with that other person. When it comes to "soul mates" and such, brain chemistry can do weird things to us. Certainly pining and distress over someone we can't have is nothing new. Logically, of course, if your soul mate ended up with someone else, well, you're probably not actually soul mates, right? But sometimes our brains need a lot of convincing. Under the wrong conditions, anything that ups the poignancy of the situation and/or makes it easier to cave will be leveraged by the limbic system as it attempts to justify getting the "fix" it wants in the form of the other person's attention. On 1/8/2020 at 12:10 PM, Madd_hatter said: Ok so it’s been a week or so and I’m still an emotional wreck. I have been thinking of him non stop and I am completely ashamed to say.... I feel like I’m going through withdrawal. ... I don’t know why I care where he is or what he’s doing, all I know is that I do. I’m like an addict trying to get a quick fix. I know it will make things worse for me but I need a little bit of him. I am a mess. On 1/9/2020 at 2:32 PM, Madd_hatter said: ... it’s so hard to let him go, emotionally. I feel like I love him in my heart, in my mind and in my soul. It feels so real. Limerence, obsession, whatever it is, it’s strong and it feels like i have no control. I’ve told my therapist. I’ve even recently told my closest girl friends who already knew but didn’t know it was still this strong...stronger even. He’s all I think about. I can not, absolutely cannot get him out of my head. It’s driving me insane. I want him so so badly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 If there is "THE ONE" out there for me, I don't think I've met him yet. I'm getting long in the tooth, so he better hurry up. 😠 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 I don't think there is the one. I think each person has a different skill and emotional set that makes them compatible for differing number and types of people. I think the more mainstream a person is, the more "commercial," you might say, a person who likes the most popular interests or hobbies, the ones the masses gravitate to, and are the most easy going and flexible will find the largest number of matches, people they can get along with, fall in love with, be friends with. On the other hand, someone more specialized (I am in that category, so not an insult) has a much smaller field, but if they find their crowd or niche, they have a good chance of finding someone compatible. If, however, you are out there on the edge and don't leave your room and socialize, even if there is someone out there who'd like that, you're not going to find them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 (edited) lf it's any consolation, l saw her 30yrs later at 46. at a reception. She said hi chillii , l had no idea who she was. She married someone in her 20s they had kids and were still together.The shock to me was she was nothing like who l knew at 16 now and l was n't even remotely attracted to her, not even a grain of sand . And we didn't have anything much to say either . Few mins and l was well ready to go talk to someone else, felt zero.So there ya go. But yeah l do agree with some of the others that supposing you did marry your childhood sweetheart and it worked out and lasted forever , hell yeah , may as well have just done it and lived that life as apposed to any other , at the end of the road it'd be equally just as good a life as any, maybe even better than the other life and things in the end , we go on to do. l saw my mum n dad go full circle they were married 56yrs and doting on each other at the end, after many huge ups and downs marriages now would not a hope in hell survive these days, not a hope.But watching them at the end l thought really , with everything they went through , yet here they are , and it's as good a life as any too and l think they'd be glad the road it all out and were where they were at at the end. My gf's parent met at 14 in school in Italy , they're 85 now, lt's amazing how things end up sooooo sadly at the other end with health problems and after a life time together side by side, end up separated and in homes or something. But before all that , they were still inseparable and spent their last 20yrs after retire , sitting at the kitchen table or pottering round the house, fussing over each other and cracking jokes about each other and their ways or habits .Things like watching old couples like that makes you think fk me , is any other life any better , really. No matter what you end up doing , so what, big deal . Here they are and really it's as good a life as any maybe better than most. lf l knew that back at 16 and could know it would last forever hell yeah , l would've taken that life. Edited January 20, 2020 by chillii Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 I too am in the group that doesn't believe in a "one true love". I am pretty much a serial monogamist; I tend to get involved with a woman and stay that way for awhile. By interacting with women in that manner, I have realized that I can click with a woman on a few different levels and have a meaningful relationship. I used to think back on my first two serious relationships; one in high school and one right after and wonder if either of them was the "one". But, when I analyzed those relationships and those women a little bit, I doubted that I could actually make it work with them now. One has become a far more devout Catholic than she was when we were together and has turned into a stay-at-home mom with five kids; not my cup of tea. The other is happily married with two kiddos but she has bounced from job to job over the last twenty years and I don't think I could handle that kind of financial instability. They both live happy lives and I imagine they're wonderful women but we just wouldn't be compatible if they suddenly came back on the market. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 27 minutes ago, chillii said: lf it's any consolation, l saw her 30yrs later at 46. at a reception. She said hi chillii , l had no idea who she was. She married someone in her 20s they had kids and were still together.The shock to me was she was nothing like who l knew at 16 now and l was n't even remotely attracted to her, not even a grain of sand . how much weight did she gain chillii willy? Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 Id say us guys can fall in love with various women over the years, whichever one reciprocates a bit then in our direction, we take a shot with her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 21 hours ago, mortensorchid said: have often times wondered what if there is The ONE out there for each of us. And we are so stupid or whatever else that we didn't see it when it was before us. Maybe he was but neither of us was ready for it to happen when we knew each other. Had we met today it would be another story of course. Anyone ever think that? I don't think there is ONE. I think there are many, many ideal matches, but it is very difficult to meet any of them at a time when you are ready, they are ready, and circumstances don't interfere. As you say, you need to be open and available to the possibility - and preferably not already in a relationship that is less ideal but hard to leave. Also, you may believe you've met one of these ideal people, but after a few months - or even years - discover that they are not what you expected or hoped for! Only time and experience can validate a supposed ideal relationship. Of course, early on, many people think they've found the ideal partner, and marry them. You only have to look at the divorce rate and the many unhappy relationships to see how wrong they were. On the other hand, some couples grow into being each other's ideal partner. There is certainly a large element of luck involved, and you really can NOT know at first. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Kitty Tantrum Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 I have never believed in the idea of "the one." I think that looking for "the one" is a self-defeating approach to finding a mate. Link to post Share on other sites
nospam99 Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 I basically agree with a lot of the posters. 'The One' is the one who chooses you and you choose back. Until that MUTUAL choice is made, there are many potential 'the one's. Those many are people who are so compatible with, so 'right' for you, that, IF the mutual choice is made, they become The One. Any potential The One pairing may never occur because the people never meet - 'two ships passing in the night'. Hope I've stated this clearly enough. It is indeed semantics ... or Schrodinger's cat. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 2 hours ago, chillii said: lf it's any consolation, l saw her 30yrs later at 46. at a reception. She said hi chillii , l had no idea who she was. She married someone in her 20s they had kids and were still together.The shock to me was she was nothing like who l knew at 16 now and l was n't even remotely attracted to her, not even a grain of sand . I had something of a similar experience with a college GF I was very "heartbroken" over when we connected (remotely in our case). She had changed so much and I felt no real connection or attraction to the current her. Intellectually I knew what I remembered was just that - a memory, but it took reconnecting to fully bring it home for me. Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 (edited) 3 hours ago, alphamale said: how much weight did she gain chillii willy? She was actually quite trim alphy , but man there were a lot of lines and really aged skin. Edited January 21, 2020 by chillii 1 Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 I'm on the fence about the 'one'. That doesn't necessarily mean that there isn't one for myself or any of us, but I also tend to think that if it were going to happen, it would have by now. Link to post Share on other sites
sothereiwas Posted January 22, 2020 Share Posted January 22, 2020 On 1/19/2020 at 6:31 PM, Cookiesandough said: I don’t really believe in a ‘soulmate’ or ‘the one’. Just people that we meet in life who we are more compatible with than others. This. There are def some people that click, but they are people, not person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted January 22, 2020 Share Posted January 22, 2020 Yes OP I do. Luckily I believe there is more than one person who can be our soulmate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sothereiwas Posted January 22, 2020 Share Posted January 22, 2020 11 minutes ago, SumGuy said: Yes OP I do. Luckily I believe there is more than one person who can be our soulmate. I think I agree with what you're saying, but doesn't the whole myth of the soulmate sort of depend on there being only one? Link to post Share on other sites
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