Gf saying no to buying a house together after 4 years.

[martin2069]

Last time I posted on here was 10 years and found it extremely helpful! 
 

Myself and my partner of 4 have a 3 year old toddler together. She moved in with me during her pregnancy and we have lived as a family since in my property. Her and her family live around 25 miles away. 
In the past year we decided together that we would move close to her family, saving process etc was started, I sorted out the estate agent etc and everything seemed on track.

 

Now my partner is saying she is ‘not ready to move’ I’ve asked why, she breaks down and tells me she has found the past few weeks stressful in terms of looking for potential properties. 
 

My head is all over the place, I’m compromising by moving close to her family for her and away from mine, we agree it is a better location for our son to grow up in etc. 
She’s saying she does love me but she’s just not ready to move. I’m not wondering if this is a commitment issue? 
 

Im 34 and my gf is 25 

any advice would be much appreciated..

Edited January 20, 2020 by martin2069

[d0nnivain]

You share a kid together.  You are already committed.  

House hunting is stressful.  She may see the house as more of a commitment but still not the one she wants -- marriage.   

Keep talking to her.  Tell her you love her.  Acknowledge the stress that comes with change.  Really listen when she explains.  

[PegNosePete]

Well to be blunt, her living situation at the moment is highly risky. She would be in big trouble if your relationship were to fail. Either marriage or being part owner of the house would give her a lot more protection, so I'm surprised she's stalling here.

Has it really been stressful or does that seem like an excuse to you? They say moving house is more stressful than divorce but if you're in the early stages of looking around houses then that's usually the fun part! Why is she finding it so stressful?

 

[Gaeta]

Will the house be under both names? Will she be participating to the mortgage? Does she have a good job? Maybe it's a financial commitment she is afraid to take. If you offer her to move closer to her parents but to live in an apartment the first year to ease the transition?

[Els]

Does she actually WANT to live closer to her parents? Personally I can't think of anywhere worse to move to, lol, even 25 miles isn't far enough... Just wondering if it may be part of her reasons.

[preraph]

I wouldn't buy a house with someone I wasn't married to.  Bad business decision.  Ask her if she wants to go downtown and get a marriage license.

[d0nnivain]

11 minutes ago, preraph said:

I wouldn't buy a house with someone I wasn't married to.  

Normally I wouldn't either but then again I wouldn't have a child with somebody I wasn't married to.  Since they already have the kid, putting a roof over that child's head in a good school system is a good "business decision" .

[preraph]

True, but not being married may be why she's hesitant.  And we don't know if the house will be in both their names or only one, and that would hold anyone back.  So that alone could be it.  She may be expected to pay into a home that is not in her name and see the folly in that.  Or it could be that she is the one with the good credit and doesn't want all the responsibility.  Need more details. 

[d0nnivain]

Marriage would be a good start & details are important.  

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

You have a child with her, you are already married to her... Getting a piece of paper saying you two are married isnt going to offer her any protection, it is going to offer her more of your assets.

You dont need to marry this woman, if she is unhappy with the situation, marriage will make that worse, not better.

I would suggest you two go to marriage counselling before you just pull the trigger here... All marriage is going to accomplish is putting you in a worse position.

Edited January 20, 2020 by CAPSLOCK BANDIT
Correction

[elaine567]

Sorry but she is the perfect age for GIGs. Pregnant at 22, missed out on "life" so feels the need to move on to pastures new..
The child complicates things a bit but if she feels trapped and she wants out. then the last thing she will want is to tie herself to a new house with you .
She may love you, but does she see a future with you?

Of course it may be the old marriage thing, she does not want to set up another home without being married...
Or
Could she be cheating? That can be another reason for wanting to stay put and not wanting to make any promises of commitment...

Could be anything but you do need to get to the bottom of it asap.
You cant make "plans" if the person you are making "plans" with is not on board.

[Kitty Tantrum]

Legal marriage provides many perks and benefits and protections. I'm flabbergasted that so many people claim it's worthless. Yes, there is risk inherent, but it is not risk without the potential for reward/benefit.

I would not so much as put my husband on my rental lease before we were actually married.

Having a child together means that both of you are legally bound and obligated TO THAT CHILD.

Marriage is the part where you bind yourselves to EACH OTHER. Big difference.

I don't KNOW if marriage is her hangup, but it's a very reasonable one if so.

Not wanting to legally marry for fear of potential risk = keeping one foot out the door.

[2BGoodAgain]

she's young...

okay, my gf and I are having the same issues.. in the sense that we live together, we make very decent money and we've been talking about houses, etc... 

this past week, she suddenly tells me she feels so pressured to get a house... i being a guy.. try to SOLVE the perceived problem by trying to FIX It by pointing out the argument/fears she was having by being totally logically. which turns out, was totally WRONG.

I ultimately told my gf, we don't need a house. But it doesn't hurt to look into the costs, and options... and if it's not for us, we don't have to do it. it's okay. 

it made her feel better, and now she's more open to looking into it.

the thing is... you can't fib it... you can't say something and not mean it, and hope she changes her mind... 

good luck!

[Redhead14]

Four years and a child but no marriage??  I'd be thinking twice before buying a house and uprooting as well.  Marriage is no guarantee that a relationship will last, but there are othe protections that marriage especially when there are children involved.

Why haven't you asked her to marry?

[carhill]

OP, any reason why you need to move right now, I presume selling the property you live in, if the potential of the move is stressing your partner? Are things good as they are right now? Remember, either of you can change your minds at any time and part of a relationship is working those changes as a team.

[basil67]

We're all making many guesses as to what could be wrong.   Anything from GIGS to wanting marriage to just general house hunting stress.    But to address the problem, you have to know what is causing her stress and look at that issue.   Speak further with her.

[preraph]

I'm just noting her age.  She's 25 and has a child already right at that age when young people mostly want to be out having fun.  Also, their age difference (he's 34) is notable.  He's all ready to settle down and she's, well, 25.  

 

However, she does have a child to think about.  And we don't know if she'd be able to work and support her own home if they did split in case she wants some freedom.  But splitting and him having 50 percent custody is her best shot if she is restless and wanting to have some young-person fun.  

[Kitty Tantrum]

I don't get the impression that this is about her wanting to have "young person fun."

I get the impression that this is about her looking at this situation, and realizing at least on a gut level that what's on the table for her is an upheaval that comes with increased liability on her end - and he's not offering the reassurance of marriage.

It's a totally different situation with her living in YOUR house. If you decide to leave her at this point - she can hop over to her parents' place and wash her hands of it all. If she puts her name on a mortgage with you, and you leave her - she's saddled with that. That's not something I would ever be willing to do without the legal recognition and protections of marriage.

[preraph]

Yeah, we just don't have enough info.  

[fromheart]

Consider that if you buy the house together, she gets the house if you break up. The courts usually decide against the man.

If she's being flaky now, I'd advise to not make such an investment with her. 

I'm sorry to say this, but she doesn't sound like a woman in love.  It may be best to prepare for a break up. 

[schlumpy]

What kind of person is your GF? Is she sentimental and reluctant to leave familiar things? Is she in limbo about what it would mean to buy a house with your? Does she have social circle she will have to replace?

If it's only an understanding of the legal status of her being part owner of a house, then that can be hammered out through a legal agreement before you buy the house Any protection she is seeking can be enforced provided you agree with the conditions.

Her emotional reaction says to me that she's not worried about future financial responsibilities. There is something close by that she doesn't want to give up.

[Art_Critic]

20 hours ago, preraph said:

I wouldn't buy a house with someone I wasn't married to.  Bad business decision.  Ask her if she wants to go downtown and get a marriage license.

I think this is the reason for her reluctance... the next step would be marriage.

I think you need to talk to her about this and honestly you have a kid together and you want to buy a house together why not get married?

 

[Piddy]

Maybe I missed something.  But why would you put her name on a piece of property that you are buying with your money if you're not married?  Financially you could be putting yourself at great risk.  I would only buy a piece of property with someone I wasn't married to if they put up 50% of the money. 

Now if you get married you still could get a prenuptial agreement, but with a child that could get tricky also.  If I was you I wouldn't try to fix something that isn't broke.  If it makes her happy to stay where you are, then I'd stay where you are.

Edited January 21, 2020 by Piddy

[Art_Critic]

4 minutes ago, Piddy said:

 I would only buy a piece of property with someone I wasn't married to if they put up 50% of the money. 

 

Even then the legal issues as far as estate would have to be tackled, if one person dies then the other would automatically be part owner with his/her estate and who knows they may have a sister who might want to move in or they would have to be bought out.

Those are hurdles easily fixed though and you make a good point, although while I am married when I refinanced one of our houses I put my wife's name on the deed even though it was mine premarriage, my thinking was this was the mother of my child and no matter what she needs to feel like the house she is raising our son in is hers also. So maybe he is coming at this from that angle..

 

[Piddy]

4 minutes ago, Art_Critic said:

my thinking was this was the mother of my child and no matter what she needs to feel like the house she is raising our son in is hers also. So maybe he is coming at this from that angle..

 

Could be.  But a worse case scenario would be he puts her on the mortgage and things go south and he has to move out.  Then she gets a new boyfriend who moves in and now he's screwed financially and otherwise.  I'd protect myself because life can turn on a dime.