Legatus Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 After 3-month roller-coaster with this girl I was dating, I took a hard look at all the things I have and haven't done and found few issues with my approach: 1. I came to this city despite never liking it. The new job wasn't up to scratch either, which made me lose my happy self that I've had for the past previous 2 years while having lived in South America. I realise that when she came to my life, the only good thing, I created a dependency that my happiness in this place is directly related to her 2. Assertiveness - everybody talks about it. I am probably in the lower range and I realise it's something I need to change. I met her new flatmate one weekend. He's 40, street music dancer, musician, very charismatic, 10 girls in rotation at any time. Do I want to be him? Absolutely not. But we all agreed that when you start dating, after few meetings, you have to be honest and open as to what you're looking for: just a hookup, casual, fwb, or something more. 3. Expectations - that I noticed as well. I put a lot of expectations on people and their behaviour, which then, in turn, creates resentment and disappointment. This year's intention (I don't do goals) is to remove those expectations from my mind. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, but do not expect anything. I've been reading "Mind over mind - the surprising power of expectations" and it definitely helped me deal with some stuff. 4. I didn't tell her I was leaving the country before we slept together. Everybody around me told me not to say anything because clearly it's nothing serious yet and that I don't own it to her. But I felt bad with that decision and after two weeks I told her. Then everything was fine for few days and then booom, we went out and she got angry because I pulled away just after realising that she pulled away. I mirrored her energy subconsciously without realising it at that time. Every time I tried to be assertive and tell her I wanted to take her out for dinner, or do something together - she would get scared (I think) and then we wouldn't talk for a while. From 12 weeks we've known each other, 6 have been in NC. After 15th December when we had the fight (related to number 4) I didn't speak to her. It was all fine until she started sending breadcrumbs and after new year we went to play pool. She was all over me and somehow I gave in. Last weekend she invited me to meet her sisters but she wouldn't even cuddle in bed. One of my friends who, after having read a whole story, told me she used to be like her and explained her behaviour. Seeking physical validation first before even believing a guy was interesting. I wouldn't give it to her because I was fine getting to know each other, dancing, rather than jumping to bed straight away. Being used to type of guys that were only after one-night stand for her body but when I came in and actually had true intentions, it sent her brain into gods know what. Constantly changing her mind, not communicating at all, and in the end not caring I think.. Anyway... I'm not angry nor frustrated. Perhaps a little bit sad that I could have done things a little bit differently. Those are not regrets as much as wanting to get the lessons I need to progress. One thing I will never know is if she lost interest because I'm leaving or she lost interest naturally. But that is in another timeline now. Why do I post it in Self-improvement? Because I would like to know how people go about these issues. Any literature you read or anything that comes to mind. Your opinions, too, are invaluable as always.. Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 7 hours ago, Legatus said: Everybody around me told me not to say anything because clearly it's nothing serious yet and that I don't own it to her. But I felt bad with that decision How do all these people come to know your sex life? No wonder you feel bad, you do know that sex life is a private thing, right? Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 7 minutes ago, Ellener said: How do all these people come to know your sex life? No wonder you feel bad, you do know that sex life is a private thing, right? mebbe he was vague about it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Legatus Posted January 20, 2020 Author Share Posted January 20, 2020 Okay I shouldn't have used the word "everybody" but rather few selected, good friends. They knew the history of this girl and me and also knew my struggles with when and how to tell her about me leaving. I'm not sure how you got a "sex life" from here, all I told them is that we have been intimate. I have no problem sharing such things with trusted circle Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 ' have no problem sharing such things with trusted circle' Sex is two people and private mostly, friends don't come into it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Legatus Posted January 20, 2020 Author Share Posted January 20, 2020 You're right, friends don't come to my bedroom and do not participate. They do, however know about things that bother, and with some of them I have no need to hide information when I had sex with somebody. The Times when sex topics were taboo are long gone :) Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 Sounds to me you waited till she was somewhat attached then landed the bombshell that you were leaving. The rest is just what happens when people are in emotional turmoil. Next time you are leaving tell them straight away or better still just stay out of their lives... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Legatus Posted January 21, 2020 Author Share Posted January 21, 2020 You're right. I made the decision while we weren't talking, so it was just hard to assume that she would even care. I didn't expect we would see each other again, but the moment we saw each other second time I should have gone with my gut rather than listening to other people.. Well I've been living in 7 countries in the last 3 years and I didn't have that problem before. Sometimes I would meet somebody and we would both be going to different places and there was always an understanding. Here I got the dependency take over my good internal judgement. But like I said, it's a lesson I will definitely learn Link to post Share on other sites
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