Logo Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 Is there a difference between being in love and loving someone? What does it mean when you care so much about a person that you feel that after you left them your heart feels like it’s going to burst and it hurts so much to not be with them anymore? Is it just attachment? Do you have to love a person’s personality, the inside, and their body, the outside, for love to last or sustain itself? Or do you have to be head over heels about them? Can you love their personality enough that it makes up for everything else? What is it about their personality that you need to love for it to be true love, honest love, a love that that person deserves to receive? Is it worth it to take the risk of having that someone miss out on you and for you to leave them because you have some doubts? Or is it better to stay with that person more than a few months, because if you didn’t, you could both be missing out on something amazing, a once in a lifetime opportunity? Link to post Share on other sites
Mysterio Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 When I think if Love. I actually think Love = Lust. When I think of In Love. You are looking at the man or woman in more dynamic terms. How they respond to you or how they make you feel. I think there is more lust in the world than love. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Logo Posted January 21, 2020 Author Share Posted January 21, 2020 I get what you’re saying. I think that during the process of dating, you could say that lust can turn into something more complex, love changes to become in-love as you get to know the person more and get to know the many sides of her personality. On an unrelated note, I think my question was either too vague or too general for many posters to answer. Can I clarify or explain what I’m asking? Link to post Share on other sites
CityChick Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 I've always put far more merit to personality to looks. So to me love doesn't equal lust. Lust, to me, is a petty emotion predominantly, if not solely, based on looks and looks alone. Lust is composed of fantasy. Lust is like reading the back panel & saying you legitimately read the book cover to cover. Lust is putting someone on a pedestal & ignoring their flaws. When you are in lust with someone you don't care to know about them. That isn't love. It's not even being in love. When you are in love with someone you want to know about them. You want to know what makes them tick. You want to know if they like dogs or cats not where is the bedroom & how long will it take before you'll be having sex (lust). Love is when you accept a person the good, bad & the ugly aspects not pretend they are somebody they aren't, never were & may never be. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 It's just a complicated issue, hard to even know where to start to answer all your questions, but I'll hit a few of them Basically, yes, loving someone and being in love are two different things, although they can co-exist. As far as your heart feeling like it's going to burst, I would say that's a reaction to a crush or an obsession. I don't believe loving someone's personality makes up for the lack of other attractions. It takes a combination of physical and emotional attraction for love to last as more than just a platonic companionable relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
major_merrick Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 For me, there's got to be a certain amount of lust. Obviously, that isn't everything, but it keeps the rest of it working more smoothly. I do think that loving someone is different than being in love. Love can come in many different varieties, but there's a lot of sacrifice for it to work long term. Being in-love is more a mental state that overrides flaws. Some call it infatuation, but I think that it can last long-term as well, although it may change over time. Examples. With my GFs, lust = "OMG you're so hot, get your clothes off." Being in love means that even when they are being kind of bratty, I find it cute and nobody else understands why. Loving them means taking care of them when they're sick, holding GF#1's hand at the doctor when she's scared, forgiving them when they say something kind of insulting, and doing stuff in bed that they enjoy but maybe I don't enjoy all that much. I think it takes a combination of lust, in-love, and love to make things really great long-term. Although a relationship can last long-term without one of those things, it won't be as good as it could be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Logo Posted January 21, 2020 Author Share Posted January 21, 2020 58 minutes ago, Finding my way said: As far as your heart feeling like it's going to burst, I would say that's a reaction to a crush Isn’t a crush the start of something meaningful that leads to romantic love? What if some aspects of the physical are attractive, but not others, how does one know if there’s enough there? And does it mean if there are doubts then it’s not worth exploring further? Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 Not really imo usually, but it still can and does with many couples. Matter of fact the longest most successful marriage l know , 36yrs. started off exactly like that. Well that's not including people from my parents time just people l know that have married in my time. lt wouldn't be for me but hell yeah , from them l know it can work. A lot depends on the personalty of the two to. But yeah there is a huge difference in love or being in love . Think of love like you love your parents some friends , family. lt's pretty obvious that that's how you love her still, even just sleeping with her does change that a whole lot soooo, it's really up to the two involved whether or not they try . Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 22, 2020 Share Posted January 22, 2020 On 1/20/2020 at 5:15 AM, Logo said: Is there a difference between being in love and loving someone? What does it mean when you care so much about a person that you feel that after you left them your heart feels like it’s going to burst and it hurts so much to not be with them anymore? Is it just attachment? Different people will have different definitions/views. Early in a relationship there is NRE and the "giddy hormones" of sex and bonding. Some folks would happily call that being "in love". Look at the Ruby Slippers' recent posts (up to a recent disagreement). A different and even more intense emotional state is limerence, which I believe for most people only happens a few times in their life (maybe 3-5 times) and seems to be triggered by "interference" such as distance, a break up, or unrequited love. It's a bona fide altered state of consciousness and is someone similar to an addiction to another person. This heart feeling like it's going to burst stuff you mention is probably limerence. I can recall that feeling as well as being temporarily unable to breathe/feeling like I was drowning, and also being literally unable to look at the person I had feelings for (due to seeing her intensifying my emotions to levels I couldn't tolerate well). In a LTR, normally all that stuff fades (although some people apparently have a kind of connection where it doesn't). At that stage it's more a choice to share your life with them. You may (or may not) love them in new and different ways and appreciate them more fully for a variety of reasons, such as the major impact they have had on your life over the years. So these are 3 aspects of "love". I'm sure others will see other aspects too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Logo Posted January 22, 2020 Author Share Posted January 22, 2020 (edited) To give more information, this is a case of a long term relationship that ended, missing the person and wanting to be with them again. Edited January 22, 2020 by Logo Link to post Share on other sites
Author Logo Posted January 22, 2020 Author Share Posted January 22, 2020 The feelings were requited and reciprocated by the other person too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted January 22, 2020 Share Posted January 22, 2020 love = general term... it can span between friendships/bf/gf/husband/wife/family. in love = commited for the long hall, deep feelings that isn't short term but long term. HOWEVER... these days, many people mistaken/perceive "in love" with "in lust" or "high chemistry", where you literally go insane... the few examples where the insanity clicks on both sides = in love... otherwise... the terms stalker/creeper/rapist/slut/etc... is thrown around. if you think about it.. the very examples are kinda insane, isn't it? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 22, 2020 Share Posted January 22, 2020 To sustain a healthy relationship long-term, you need both "love" and "in-love". There's has to be reciprocated feelings and loving acts between the two partners. Take one away and problems soon arise... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 22, 2020 Share Posted January 22, 2020 I'll die wondering about the difference. I'm OK with that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted January 22, 2020 Share Posted January 22, 2020 being in love, in my opinion, ebbs and flows. Love itself does not. It stays the same. Link to post Share on other sites
Kyra Posted February 1, 2020 Share Posted February 1, 2020 On 1/21/2020 at 11:53 AM, Logo said: I think that during the process of dating, you could say that lust can turn into something more complex, love changes to become in-love as you get to know the person more and get to know the many sides of her personality. Other way around I'd say! Most people start off falling in love, then in time the other kind of love grows (or not).* the "other kind of love" - what people call "real" love is I think at it's root simply caring very deeply for someone. It's going to be stronger if you admire and respect them but it is possible to love someone you don't even like very much - usually family or perhaps a partner that you're no longer in love with but still care about deeply. In-love often gets a bad rap as superficial - based on just lust and attraction. Most descriptions of "in love" that I read (which put it down) are describing what I'd call infatuation. I believe being in love is a form of love and usually encompasses attraction, admiration, deep caring and passion. *My best friend was a man I was not at all attracted to sexually or physically. But we were a great match otherwise and I already loved him as a friend, so I kind of talked myself into seeing him as attractive by focusing on his wonderful personality and essentially got myself to fall in love with him. Those feelings (in love and lust) lasted a few years and then I still had the quiet, caring love and respect Link to post Share on other sites
Kyra Posted February 1, 2020 Share Posted February 1, 2020 On 1/23/2020 at 2:41 AM, pepperbird said: being in love, in my opinion, ebbs and flows. Love itself does not. It stays the same. I think this is one of the great fallacies we are told, which too often leads to unreasonable expectations and disappointment. We are told that love is forever, love conquers all, love is constant. Actually love often fades or changes. People change. Feelings change. Love is damaged or worn down by things that happen Link to post Share on other sites
Kyra Posted February 1, 2020 Share Posted February 1, 2020 On 1/21/2020 at 1:09 PM, Logo said: What if some aspects of the physical are attractive, but not others, how does one know if there’s enough there? And does it mean if there are doubts then it’s not worth exploring further? When you're in love they become physically attractive to you. They say love is blind. I say it's the passionate in-love feelings that make you blind or at least immune to many of their unattractive qualities - physical and personality. I can still see that the man I'm in love with has grey hair, many wrinkles and his body is starting to sag (he was already old when I met him) yet I also see him as very beautiful, gorgeous and sexy - and I know I'm biased. I'm polyamorous so I have another partner who was attractive when I felt in love but not before or after when I just feel/felt love (not in-love). With just love, he is very physically unattractive to me. Link to post Share on other sites
bachdude Posted February 1, 2020 Share Posted February 1, 2020 "In love" feelings come and go and are not a stable enough foundation for a long term committed relationship. Love is something beyond momentary feelings, involves choices and the will, but also has, IMO, a mysterious aspect that poets, composers, and artists have been trying to capture for time immemorial. Link to post Share on other sites
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