Am I a bad person for ignoring my dumper?

[MistyHeart]

My ex is a good person, but he wasn't a good boyfriend. I wasn't in his priority list and although he'd call and text me during the day he did it out of responsibility (because i asked him to). He'd only call me when he's free, ex: while he's driving, before gym, while he's waiting for something etc. At first I was content with this, but then I realized he only talk to me during his free time and never 'free' his time to make a time for me. He'd also prefer having other activities rather than seeing me so I rarely see him. I don't want to be keeping numbers but I also realized that I'm the one who heavily invested in this relationship (in terms of time, money, efforts) more than him. The money part is important since he came from upper middle family while I'm just a middle class citizen. He broke up with me 6 months ago due to not being able to make time for me, but then asked me back in 3 weeks. I accepted him back and tried to support him as much as I can. I tried to understand every time he's too busy to reply my text, not being able to talk all day long for a few days, all this while he kept saying sorry and thank you for understanding. After all putting career first is a good thing, right? At the same time he'd make me cry a lot, simply for wanting to talk to him and when i tried to humor him since he was always stressed but apparently I was inconsiderate of him. He was always too tired for me.

2 months ago we found out that he'd be busy starting 2020 and that our life went on a different path. He thought we couldn't make it so he broke it with me again. I told him before that if we are not working out anymore he could talk to me and that we'd discuss it and act accordingly for the best of both of us, so when he voiced his concern about him getting busy again (3 days before he broke up with me) I tried to discuss it with him but was lashed out instead ("I'm so tired today, do you have to discuss it now?" He was the one who brought it up though). I felt so unjust and disrespected when he called to break up again. Shouldn't he take my feelings into account before taking a decision? Instead of having a mature conversation he had to became distant and ignore me for 2 days before dumping me.  Still he insisted on becoming friends and so up until today still messaging me updating about his life and whatever. I applied NC right after the BU so I haven't reply him since. He seemed upset and tried to guilt trip me into becoming friends with him, and also telling me pity stories so I'd reply. He said I'm his best friend even before, during, and should be after the end of our relationship.

I felt really bad for ignoring him, but at the same time there's this resentment in me because I felt that I deserved more effort from him. He wasn't half as invested as me. I felt like disrespecting him for doing NC right after the breakup and that I should have that one last talk with him. But honestly, is it worth it to be his friends? He is a good person in general, but he has disrespected me and taken me for granted.

[d0nnivain]

No you are not a bad person.  You are keeping your distance to get over him.  You need that.  Keep it up

[JTSW]

Hi Misty,

I too think you are doing the right thing.

You gave allot of time and energy to him but he couldn't do the same.

Sounds like he just does not want to be in a relationship with anyone.

Don't feel guilty for ignoring him.

Like d0nnivain says, you need that distance to move forward.

[introverted1]

It's fine to ignore him and no need to feel guilty.  He should have seriously considered whether he had the time to be in a relationship, and not repeat a pattern of minimizing you, breaking up, and reuniting.  He doesn't now deserve to have access to you when it benefits him, while leaving your needs and feelings untended. 

[elaine567]

4 minutes ago, MistyHeart said:

He said I'm his best friend even before, during, and should be after the end of our relationship.

It doesn't tend to work like that.

[MistyHeart]

3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

No you are not a bad person.  You are keeping your distance to get over him.  You need that.  Keep it up

TYSM!! Will do

3 hours ago, JTSW said:

Hi Misty,

I too think you are doing the right thing.

You gave allot of time and energy to him but he couldn't do the same.

Sounds like he just does not want to be in a relationship with anyone.

Don't feel guilty for ignoring him.

Like d0nnivain says, you need that distance to move forward.

Thank you!! For so long I felt so bad..

And then I found out that it's not he couldn't, but he chose not to.

He's now interested in someone else.

So I'm leaving my past behind and move towards the future now :')

[preraph]

Keeping him around would put off any new guys you start dating.  So you just move on.  

[MistyHeart]

2 hours ago, introverted1 said:

It's fine to ignore him and no need to feel guilty.  He should have seriously considered whether he had the time to be in a relationship, and not repeat a pattern of minimizing you, breaking up, and reuniting.  He doesn't now deserve to have access to you when it benefits him, while leaving your needs and feelings untended. 

He said I'm breaking his heart by ignoring him, but I've asked for space and he wouldn't listen. He broke his heart by his own doing and blame me for that :I

He's trying to pass me as an immature person for not being friends..

Tbh I would be okay with everything if that's the way it is but then I found out he wanted to date someone else, possibly marrying her in the future. I felt like trash, dumped when I no longer have any use.

 

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

It doesn't tend to work like that.

He's manipulative and tend to want everything in his own way. I've had enough though.

[MistyHeart]

1 minute ago, preraph said:

Keeping him around would put off any new guys you start dating.  So you just move on.  

Recently I broke NC by relying a message to our mutual friend, telling him that It's best to part on our own way now since it wouldn't be fair anyway for our future partner ( i think he's interested in someone and is trying to pursue her)

I lied about having a potential partner and funnily enough he freaked out saying I can't be in another relationship that soon. My friend asked if I can't date anyone else and he said, "Yes she can, but not now!"

[2BGoodAgain]

if he isn't meeting your basic needs to feel loved/cherished... it isn't going to change later. cut your losses and move on, which it seems you did.

i don't think you did anything wrong. 

[preraph]

The fact you say he's manipulative is even more reason to keep him cut off completely, from everything, your social media and all so he doesn't try to find out stuff from people on there.  There are lots of guys who break up and don't want you but don't want anyone else to have you.  They're a dime a dozen, and it doesn't mean a thing other than it wrecks their ego.  

 

But now, to truly be no contact, you've got to stop talking to friends who will pass things along to him.  

Edited January 20, 2020 by preraph

[MistyHeart]

9 minutes ago, 2BGoodAgain said:

if he isn't meeting your basic needs to feel loved/cherished... it isn't going to change later. cut your losses and move on, which it seems you did.

i don't think you did anything wrong. 

Thank you for this!! I've always been a kind of a 'doormat' for my life, it feels good to finally be able to put myself above others

3 minutes ago, preraph said:

The fact you say he's manipulative is even more reason to keep him cut off completely, from everything, your social media and all so he doesn't try to find out stuff from people on there.  There are lots of guys who break up and don't want you but don't want anyone else to have you.  They're a dime a dozen, and it doesn't mean a thing other than it wrecks their ego.  

I just remembered that when i was still with him he's still harboring some kind of resentment towards his ex (who betrayed his trust and thus he dumped her too) in fact i think he's still keeping her in tabs up til now. He'd check her social media to see her recent partner and make sure he is still the 'winner' as in richer, more good looking & successful. I certainly wouldn't want him keeping tabs on me either.

[Silver_star]

Sounds like he wants boyfriend benefits without boyfriend responsibilities. He liked having you around on his terms, and when the benefits stopped (your emotional support) he lays on the guilt trip. You don't owe him anything. He should have been a better boyfriend. Too bad.

[stillafool]

You should tell your friends not to tell you anything about him or what he says about you as those little nuggets will keep you stuck and unable to move on.  You certainly should block him from contacting you at this point anyway.

[Ellener]

'Am I a bad person for ignoring my dumper?'

No. 

Move on.

Maybe he'll be more respectful to others in future.

The fact you ask the question means you already are 😊

[The Outlaw]

No, because it's part of NC and the healing process. And most people, I think, wouldn't feel bad for ignoring someone that dumped them. He maybe a good person, but if he disrespected you, he isn't worth another thought. 

[MsJayne]

The person you described sounds very self-important and very self-centered.  Being ignored could turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to him, he might actually think about it and realise that he's a bit of a tool.  Keep on ignoring him, it'll help to restore your sense of self-worth.  

[ExpatInItaly]

This dude is a selfish arse. 

It's all about his needs, his feelings, his ego. 

Pfffffttt. Forget this clown. He treats you like a doormat and has very little respect for you. 

[MistyHeart]

18 hours ago, Silver_star said:

Sounds like he wants boyfriend benefits without boyfriend responsibilities. He liked having you around on his terms, and when the benefits stopped (your emotional support) he lays on the guilt trip. You don't owe him anything. He should have been a better boyfriend. Too bad.

Sadly I realized that had I not been useful to him(I helped him with a lot of stuffs. His business, projects, even papers) I think he might be done with me since a long time ago. 

18 hours ago, stillafool said:

You should tell your friends not to tell you anything about him or what he says about you as those little nuggets will keep you stuck and unable to move on.  You certainly should block him from contacting you at this point anyway.

My friend told me this in order to move on. He asked to lose hope because he saw that I'm still hoping, which is true sadly. 

 

18 hours ago, Ellener said:

'Am I a bad person for ignoring my dumper?'

No. 

Move on.

Maybe he'll be more respectful to others in future.

The fact you ask the question means you already are 😊

He said things like "people aren't dispensable", pointing out that I don't have any use of him anymore hence i'm cutting him off. Which is not true. I provided him more than he ever provided me, it's been messing with my head. 

 

13 hours ago, The Outlaw said:

No, because it's part of NC and the healing process. And most people, I think, wouldn't feel bad for ignoring someone that dumped them. He maybe a good person, but if he disrespected you, he isn't worth another thought. 

Ahh, thank you! I don't have a lot of experiences when it comes to dating. I just can't hurt him i guess, I really loved him. 

13 hours ago, MsJayne said:

The person you described sounds very self-important and very self-centered.  Being ignored could turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to him, he might actually think about it and realise that he's a bit of a tool.  Keep on ignoring him, it'll help to restore your sense of self-worth.  

TYSM!!

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This dude is a selfish arse. 

It's all about his needs, his feelings, his ego. 

Pfffffttt. Forget this clown. He treats you like a doormat and has very little respect for you. 

He actually told me not to be a "doormat" at the beginning of our relationship, because my personality is the type that is taken for granted and put others before my happiness. I don't understand it back then because I've always been a selfless person, I'd do anything for those I love. I get it now, he was right. I'm just sad he ended up being on of those people who took advantages of me.  

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, MistyHeart said:

I've always been a selfless person, I'd do anything for those I love

Love yourself now too.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, MistyHeart said:

Sadly I realized that had I not been useful to him(I helped him with a lot of stuffs. His business, projects, even papers) I think he might be done with me since a long time ago. 

My friend told me this in order to move on. He asked to lose hope because he saw that I'm still hoping, which is true sadly. 

 

He said things like "people aren't dispensable", pointing out that I don't have any use of him anymore hence i'm cutting him off. Which is not true. I provided him more than he ever provided me, it's been messing with my head. 

 

Ahh, thank you! I don't have a lot of experiences when it comes to dating. I just can't hurt him i guess, I really loved him. 

TYSM!!

He actually told me not to be a "doormat" at the beginning of our relationship, because my personality is the type that is taken for granted and put others before my happiness. I don't understand it back then because I've always been a selfless person, I'd do anything for those I love. I get it now, he was right. I'm just sad he ended up being on of those people who took advantages of me.  

People lose respect quickly for doormat personalities.  Work on that.

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm never friends with exes. Most people try to keep an ex around as a friend to soften the blow of losing that person in their life. 

You will gain nothing by having this guy as a friend. He took you for granted and jerked you around the whole time. Being his friend would only communicate that you don't value yourself and you'll accept whatever pathetic crumbs he wants to give you. You'll be better off removing that bad energy from your experience and making way for better people to enter your life. Trust me, they absolutely will. Quality people are hard to find, so if you're a quality person, you'll never lack for friends and potential love interests.

You don't owe him anything. Not a reply, not an explanation, nada.

Onward and upward, sister!

[JPT0918]

20 hours ago, MistyHeart said:

Sadly I realized that had I not been useful to him(I helped him with a lot of stuffs. His business, projects, even papers) I think he might be done with me since a long time ago. 

My friend told me this in order to move on. He asked to lose hope because he saw that I'm still hoping, which is true sadly. 

 

He actually told me not to be a "doormat" at the beginning of our relationship, because my personality is the type that is taken for granted and put others before my happiness. I don't understand it back then because I've always been a selfless person, I'd do anything for those I love. I get it now, he was right. I'm just sad he ended up being on of those people who took advantages of me.  

This sounds very similar to my situation. My ex only saw value in me, if she could find some use. Even after going no contct for 2 days, she tried to manipulate me into buying her lunch or paying other expenses. these people are users searching for doormats like us. They will stick around as long as you give into to thier every needs. I realized change was needed when I thought of al things I did for her but couldn't find one thing she did for me.]

I think you are doing right by moving on. Don't feel guilty. this fellow has no remorse for how he treated you during the relationship. always remember that.

 

[MistyHeart]

23 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I'm never friends with exes. Most people try to keep an ex around as a friend to soften the blow of losing that person in their life. 

You will gain nothing by having this guy as a friend. He took you for granted and jerked you around the whole time. Being his friend would only communicate that you don't value yourself and you'll accept whatever pathetic crumbs he wants to give you. You'll be better off removing that bad energy from your experience and making way for better people to enter your life. Trust me, they absolutely will. Quality people are hard to find, so if you're a quality person, you'll never lack for friends and potential love interests.

You don't owe him anything. Not a reply, not an explanation, nada.

Onward and upward, sister!

I think you're absolutely right-- he's not ready to lose me, and yet he chose to lose me. 

Thank you for giving me such a motivational speech, I truly appreciate it! :') He just texted me again telling me how hard his work is and that he's sad blah blah.. At this point I'll just straight away delete the entire chat. 

7 hours ago, JPT0918 said:

This sounds very similar to my situation. My ex only saw value in me, if she could find some use. Even after going no contct for 2 days, she tried to manipulate me into buying her lunch or paying other expenses. these people are users searching for doormats like us. They will stick around as long as you give into to thier every needs. I realized change was needed when I thought of al things I did for her but couldn't find one thing she did for me.]

I think you are doing right by moving on. Don't feel guilty. this fellow has no remorse for how he treated you during the relationship. always remember that.

 

That's horrible, I'm really sorry you have to go through such a thing.. Please don't let her manipulate you ever again

I think the blame was on me though, I'm the one who let him walk all over me. I'm just really sad that this is what we've became.. and sad to let go of him this way. I just wish we can do this without hurting each other. 

 

[Ruby Slippers]

2 minutes ago, MistyHeart said:

I think you're absolutely right-- he's not ready to lose me, and yet he chose to lose me. 

Thank you for giving me such a motivational speech, I truly appreciate it! :') He just texted me again telling me how hard his work is and that he's sad blah blah.. At this point I'll just straight away delete the entire chat. 

I suggest you block him as well. That way, he won't get to you in a weak moment.

Look, I just went through a similar dynamic in a breakup. His demeaning behavior was more subtle, but in essence it was the same. 

Don't blame yourself. Sure, you were too soft, but he was also too hard. It's a two-way street. Move on and learn from this.