I got physical with my mom pushed her, and called her a [vulgar name]

January 21, 2020

I’m a verbal bully towards my mom, she has a personality I just can’t get with. I don’t cuss at her, I’m more like brutally honest when sometimes “things are better left unsaid”. I hate that about myself. But she’s the only person I wish I wasn’t like that towards, she’s my mom.

let me tell you how today escalated into me putting my hands on her and calling her a bitch.

she came into my room as I was chilling minding my own business. She came to show me baby clothes online as we have a baby shower for a relative coming up. Three years ago I had an abortion, and there’s only so much baby things I can take to a certain extent. After while I started getting aggravated and to her it came off as jealousy, she said “ what are you jealous” I snapped got up on my bed ( we were both still on it) got in her face and yelled at her... i pushed her arm and told her to get out of my room. I had my knuckles and arms ready to swing. That was the second time she called me jealous, the first time I let it slide. She said “ I didn’t know you were touchy about that”. She never asked me if I was even ok after getting rid of the baby. She’s the only person who knew as I didn’t want other people knowing. Of course she didn’t know how it affected me. I don’t think she called me jealous to be malicious.

I think I do have a bit of jealousy going on but for me it’s the fact that she’s so inconsiderate. We would go shopping and she would want to want in the baby section just weeks after my abortion “ just to look”. Mind you I’m not one to wear my feelings on my sleeves.

this just made me want to not part take in this whole baby shower. However, I’m helping my relative with it so I can’t back out.

i really just need advice on how to act, what to do ect.

Edited January 21, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

January 21, 2020

You have to make peace with the past otherwise you’ll just keep having issues in the future. Your mom’s not wrong for thinking baby clothes are adorable, a lot of women think they are too, but maybe she was insensitive by looking at clothes so soon after although you aren’t the only one who lost someone. She lost a grandchild when you made your decision.

Anyway you should practice gratitude daily for your mom. She could’ve had you arrested for assault today.

January 21, 2020

There's moms and there's moms. Some do much more harm than good. It's hard to tell if yours is one of those. If she genuinely is an awful person, consider cutting ties. If not, consider discussing with her how bad she made you feel. An extended guilt trip just might do the trick.

It sounds like she's clueless about boundaries when it comes to her own kid. Think a LOT of moms are like that. I have a relative whose mom wore out her welcome so badly that she treated her with complete disdain. Eventually the mom figured it out and got a clue.

January 21, 2020

Hurt, your abortion was three years ago. Have you ever shared with your mother how much you're still hurting all these years later? If not, how do you expect her to know that the baby clothes would upset you?

January 21, 2020

19 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Hurt, your abortion was three years ago. Have you ever shared with your mother how much you're still hurting all these years later? If not, how do you expect her to know that the baby clothes would upset you?

No, I did the abortion and haven’t spoken about it with someone since. the thing is, she already got the vibe that I get aggravated because she already called me out on being jealous before this, we were at the store for a good hour just looking at baby clothes- if you think it makes me jealous why keep doing it?

January 21, 2020

27 minutes ago, Hurtx10 said:

No, I did the abortion and haven’t spoken about it with someone since. the thing is, she already got the vibe that I get aggravated because she already called me out on being jealous before this, we were at the store for a good hour just looking at baby clothes- if you think it makes me jealous why keep doing it?

Instead of being reactive and blaming her, a better way to approach this would have been to tell her how you were feeling. And tell her without blaming her or being mad at her.

You said that you've got a history of bullying your mother. Now you've added assault to the list. I'm assuming that this isn't the type of person you want to be ..... and communication is part of the key to solving this.

January 21, 2020

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

Instead of being reactive and blaming her, a better way to approach this would have been to tell her how you were feeling. And tell her without blaming her or being mad at her.

You said that you've got a history of bullying your mother. Now you've added assault to the list. I'm assuming that this isn't the type of person you want to be ..... and communication is part of the key to solving this.

Lately I’ve been good about being verbally abusive to her, I’ve been biting my tongue because I just don’t want to be that brutal person, although A LOT of the times I’m reacting to something she said or done extremely stupid, that still doesn’t give me the right to roll my eyes and say something rude- that’s abusive to me. I just want to say alright and move on.

But today with this incident, I literally felt heat coming from my stomach, to my chest, and out of my mouth. I rarely get that upset.

As you can see me and my mom don’t talk like that. It’s always me bottling things up until I explode. It’s only been the last five years or so where I been verbally nasty, with the personal attacks. Before it was petty normal mother and daughter arguments.

and she must’ve been feeling lately because she came up to me once and said “ I’m not your enemy” because I had this grimmey attitude towards her. It makes me feel bad .

January 21, 2020

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

There's moms and there's moms. Some do much more harm than good. It's hard to tell if yours is one of those. If she genuinely is an awful person, consider cutting ties. If not, consider discussing with her how bad she made you feel. An extended guilt trip just might do the trick.

It sounds like she's clueless about boundaries when it comes to her own kid. Think a LOT of moms are like that. I have a relative whose mom wore out her welcome so badly that she treated her with complete disdain. Eventually the mom figured it out and got a clue.

There’s mom, then there’s moms who just have kids for the sake of having kids. No idea in how to raise them. You had a kid now what are you gonna do with them? Just hope for the best...ok....

January 21, 2020

You know hearing stories like yours make me feel like mum of the year, because I always taught my only son to tell me to f*** off when appropriate.

And you just did.

Good for you but don't let it escalate into anything abusive. Step away first.

Don't get into the whole anti-abortion-US movement is my feeling, the mainstream is I want to bring kids into the world here then can't even give them proper health and social care.

Remember most people are not rational if you get into this issue.

January 21, 2020

Hurtx10, you have got some pretty bad anger issues.

Having an abortion was obviously very difficult for you and I'm sorry for that.

But it wasn't your moms fault, she didn't make you do it. No-one did.

You are taking this out on your mom to the point of getting physically abusive and that's not right.

You need counselling because your anger is getting out of hand.

Please seek help

January 21, 2020

23 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Hurtx10, you have got some pretty bad anger issues.

Having an abortion was obviously very difficult for you and I'm sorry for that.

But it wasn't your moms fault, she didn't make you do it. No-one did.

You are taking this out on your mom to the point of getting physically abusive and that's not right.

You need counselling because your anger is getting out of hand.

Please seek help

When did I blame my mom for my abortion? Nor did I blame anyone else... I’m confused as to where you’re getting that from?

I’m saying, when you think someone’s showing signs of “jealousy” or irritation to a certain thing which you think seem to be true because you pointed it out to them before, why continue to do it? My mom noticed this before and continued- and I let it slide. But after a while, her motives are questionable. The first time she accused me of being jealous I did let it go.

Evidently my mom knew I felt some type of way and still didn’t care to be considerate.

Anyone could put two and two together, she’s had an abortion before hmm maybe that’s why she’s acting off. No ones a mind reader but common sense should clue in... or at least cross your mind.

Edited January 21, 2020 by Hurtx10

January 21, 2020

3 hours ago, Ellener said:

You know hearing stories like yours make me feel like mum of the year, because I always taught my only son to tell me to f*** off when appropriate.

And you just did.

Good for you but don't let it escalate into anything abusive. Step away first.

Don't get into the whole anti-abortion-US movement is my feeling, the mainstream is I want to bring kids into the world here then can't even give them proper health and social care.

Remember most people are not rational if you get into this issue.

Thank you for getting it.

people swear just because they are your parents they automatically deserve your respect even though they have done you so wrong.

January 21, 2020

21 minutes ago, Hurtx10 said:

When did I blame my mom for my abortion? Nor did I blame anyone else... I’m confused as to where you’re getting that from?

I’m saying, when you think someone’s showing signs of “jealousy” or irritation to a certain thing which you think seem to be true because you pointed it out to them before, why continue to do it? My mom noticed this before and continued- and I let it slide. But after a while, her motives are questionable. The first time she accused me of being jealous I did let it go.

Evidently my mom knew I felt some type of way and still didn’t care to be considerate.

Anyone could put two and two together, she’s had an abortion before hmm maybe that’s why she’s acting off. No ones a mind reader but common sense should clue in... or at least cross your mind.

I didn't say you 'blamed', i said you 'took it out on' her.

Bullying anyone and being physically abusive is not the way to go about it.

Especially to your own mother.

You are snapping at people here when they are only trying to help.

You need help.

You both should go to counselling together before you really hurt her, or worse.

January 21, 2020

10 hours ago, Hurtx10 said:

I’m a verbal bully towards my mom, she has a personality I just can’t get with.

Maybe you should get your own place away from your mother so neither of you can abuse the other. I agree your anger needs management.

January 22, 2020

There's a whole lot more going on here than sadness or anger over a pregnancy termination. Wanting to drag you into baby clothes shops straight after you've had a termination is monumentally insensitive, and just incredibly stupid, (or something more sinister if she did it deliberately). I'm not condoning your reaction to her banging on about baby showers, but I see why you got so angry. To me it sounds like you needed some emotional support when you had the termination and you didn't get it, you got the opposite. Is this a lifelong pattern in your relationship with your mother? A lack of genuine support? You feel like she's not really on your side? We grow up in a culture where mothers are revered, they're considered saintly just by virtue of giving birth, but the truth is that a lot of women shouldn't be allowed anywhere near the kiddies because they're poisonous - they're not the Madonna, they're just Mad. The kind of rage you describe comes across to me as something you've been storing up, not just a reaction to that moment. Maybe some therapy might help you deal with the toxic relationship you have with your mother, help shine a light on what the real issue is rather than focusing on the termination.

January 22, 2020

22 hours ago, Hurtx10 said:

I’m a verbal bully towards my mom, she has a personality I just can’t get with. I don’t cuss at her, I’m more like brutally honest when sometimes “things are better left unsaid”. I hate that about myself. But she’s the only person I wish I wasn’t like that towards, she’s my mom.

let me tell you how today escalated into me putting my hands on her and calling her a bitch.

she came into my room as I was chilling minding my own business. She came to show me baby clothes online as we have a baby shower for a relative coming up. Three years ago I had an abortion, and there’s only so much baby things I can take to a certain extent. After while I started getting aggravated and to her it came off as jealousy, she said “ what are you jealous” I snapped got up on my bed ( we were both still on it) got in her face and yelled at her... i pushed her arm and told her to get out of my room. I had my knuckles and arms ready to swing. That was the second time she called me jealous, the first time I let it slide. She said “ I didn’t know you were touchy about that”. She never asked me if I was even ok after getting rid of the baby. She’s the only person who knew as I didn’t want other people knowing. Of course she didn’t know how it affected me. I don’t think she called me jealous to be malicious.

I think I do have a bit of jealousy going on but for me it’s the fact that she’s so inconsiderate. We would go shopping and she would want to want in the baby section just weeks after my abortion “ just to look”. Mind you I’m not one to wear my feelings on my sleeves.

this just made me want to not part take in this whole baby shower. However, I’m helping my relative with it so I can’t back out.

i really just need advice on how to act, what to do ect.

Remarkably, just recently I learned of a young woman who physically hit her mother over what seemed like a completely stupid (insignificant thing that mom had thrown away)... and it came out later... after the mom reflexively threw the daughter out of the house (plenty appropriately, in response) that the daughter had been pregnant, (possibly unbeknownst to both at the time, and certainly unbeknownst to mom at the time).

I also know of a long-ago teen who had an abortion but resented her mother for not, really, affording the daughter the choice to make for herself.

I think you're already DOING the right things... seemingly landing here to let off the steam on the subject in a harmless and anonymous direction.

Those new, adult decisions are so personal ... and they definitely have an impact on you.

I believe that your own instincts will guide you appropriately in this matter.

January 22, 2020

20 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Wanting to drag you into baby clothes shops straight after you've had a termination is monumentally insensitive, and just incredibly stupid,

Straight after a termination would be monumentally insensitive. But this is three years later.

Now, I'm not suggesting that the OP should have forgotten it all, but it is understandable that someone else may think that three years later isn't insensitive.

January 22, 2020

5 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Straight after a termination would be monumentally insensitive. But this is three years later.

Now, I'm not suggesting that the OP should have forgotten it all, but it is understandable that someone else may think that three years later isn't insensitive.

Yes, but the OP said that only weeks after her termination her mum was making her go into the baby department when shopping. I think that's pretty weird from anyone who knew of the termination, but especially insensitive from her own mother.

January 22, 2020

Here's my advice: Find a way to MOVE OUT.

Whether you or your mom are right or wrong in this situation is immaterial. You aren't getting along in the same space, and some distance would do your relationship good. I left home at 17 and never looked back. I had abusive parents and I couldn't stand it anymore, and I found a way to make it on my own. You can do it too! For now, I'd say that keeping the peace until you can get out is more important than who is right or wrong.

Step #1: Control yourself. Apologize. Be disgustingly obsequious if you have to. This is for your security while you plan, whether you're right or wrong.

Step #2: Plan a way out, do it on your own, and tell nobody you're doing it.

Step #3: Obtain the finances necessary for the move. Beg, borrow, steal if necessary.

Step #4: Execute the plan. Live according to your own rules and enjoy the freedom.

If your mom is a decent person, she'll let you go and support you. Your relationship will get better after that. If your mom isn't a decent person, she'll obstruct you and be a jerk about it. Once you're out, you won't have to deal with it. Your transition will make things clear, and there's no shame in not getting along with your parents in your space. My husband has decent parents (relatively), but they don't do well in the same space. It is pretty common.

Edited January 22, 2020 by major_merrick

January 22, 2020

We don't want to think this in most cultures, but- not everyone gets on with or even likes their parents, or children.

It's unhealthy the way we do families a lot of times, lacks authenticity and genuine relationship.

Learn to step away or say no without losing your temper.

January 22, 2020

3 hours ago, MsJayne said:

There's a whole lot more going on here than sadness or anger over a pregnancy termination. Wanting to drag you into baby clothes shops straight after you've had a termination is monumentally insensitive, and just incredibly stupid, (or something more sinister if she did it deliberately). I'm not condoning your reaction to her banging on about baby showers, but I see why you got so angry. To me it sounds like you needed some emotional support when you had the termination and you didn't get it, you got the opposite. Is this a lifelong pattern in your relationship with your mother? A lack of genuine support? You feel like she's not really on your side? We grow up in a culture where mothers are revered, they're considered saintly just by virtue of giving birth, but the truth is that a lot of women shouldn't be allowed anywhere near the kiddies because they're poisonous - they're not the Madonna, they're just Mad. The kind of rage you describe comes across to me as something you've been storing up, not just a reaction to that moment. Maybe some therapy might help you deal with the toxic relationship you have with your mother, help shine a light on what the real issue is rather than focusing on the termination.

Thank you for your understanding, not jumping to conclusions and making assumptions. Everything you said is so put on, I would’ve loved emotional support. I have a lot of a resentment towards my mother! Growing up my parents were good providers but that’s about it - I always had the best of the best. However I used to get beat up from my father and my mother wouldn’t stop it. When I say beat up I don’t mean a spanking, my face would be black and blue, he use to make me sleep the car, one time he chased me with a knife because I didn’t want to sleep alone, I was no more than six. And my mom would never do anything. If I fell off my bike, it would be a problem, I’d be afraid to say anything because I’d get in trouble for falling. So growing up I just dealt with everything myself with no support.

idk if a culture thing, she’s obsessed loves on my brothers- she tells them I love yous and hugs them till this day as adults. Growing up till now I didn’t get that. I know for my dad it’s definitely a culture thing to respond with a backhand to the face for every little thing.

January 22, 2020

3 hours ago, major_merrick said:

Here's my advice: Find a way to MOVE OUT.

Whether you or your mom are right or wrong in this situation is immaterial. You aren't getting along in the same space, and some distance would do your relationship good. I left home at 17 and never looked back. I had abusive parents and I couldn't stand it anymore, and I found a way to make it on my own. You can do it too! For now, I'd say that keeping the peace until you can get out is more important than who is right or wrong.

Step #1: Control yourself. Apologize. Be disgustingly obsequious if you have to. This is for your security while you plan, whether you're right or wrong.

Step #2: Plan a way out, do it on your own, and tell nobody you're doing it.

Step #3: Obtain the finances necessary for the move. Beg, borrow, steal if necessary.

Step #4: Execute the plan. Live according to your own rules and enjoy the freedom.

If your mom is a decent person, she'll let you go and support you. Your relationship will get better after that. If your mom isn't a decent person, she'll obstruct you and be a jerk about it. Once you're out, you won't have to deal with it. Your transition will make things clear, and there's no shame in not getting along with your parents in your space. My husband has decent parents (relatively), but they don't do well in the same space. It is pretty common.

I don’t live with her. When I visit I still use my old room

January 22, 2020

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

Straight after a termination would be monumentally insensitive. But this is three years later.

Now, I'm not suggesting that the OP should have forgotten it all, but it is understandable that someone else may think that three years later isn't insensitive.

Sure. However my mom had a feeling that something was still off, even three years later, because she called me out on it. Therefore yes she still is being insensitive to my feelings because evidently she knew it irked me and continued.

January 22, 2020

4 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

Remarkably, just recently I learned of a young woman who physically hit her mother over what seemed like a completely stupid (insignificant thing that mom had thrown away)... and it came out later... after the mom reflexively threw the daughter out of the house (plenty appropriately, in response) that the daughter had been pregnant, (possibly unbeknownst to both at the time, and certainly unbeknownst to mom at the time).

I also know of a long-ago teen who had an abortion but resented her mother for not, really, affording the daughter the choice to make for herself.

I think you're already DOING the right things... seemingly landing here to let off the steam on the subject in a harmless and anonymous direction.

Those new, adult decisions are so personal ... and they definitely have an impact on you.

I believe that your own instincts will guide you appropriately in this matter.

Yes coming here does help. Thank god I don’t rant and rave all this to people in real life, with family etc... the drama it would cause. Actually, even as this drama with me and my mom happened last night somehow I managed to cuss out without yelling, and whispered because I didn’t want anyone else to hear. I don’t think THAT irrational. I’m pretty level headed despite everything. There’s just so much I can take after a while. I actually don’t think my anger needs management as I have to be pushed over and over again. Therapy yes.

Edited January 22, 2020 by Hurtx10

January 22, 2020

1 hour ago, Hurtx10 said:

I don’t live with her. When I visit I still use my old room

Well that's so much better. Now just keep your distance for a while!

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