I got physical with my mom pushed her, and called her a [vulgar name]

[schlumpy]

I think your mother is still trying to make you into the woman she wants you to be instead of accepting you for who you are.

Your best move is to move out. Once you are on your own there is a natural behavior sequence where the parent recognizes the relationship has changed and will now assign you adult status albeit grudgingly.

If you stay there then try to come to an understanding that some subjects are verboten.

If your relationship or personality will allow it a good conversation where you mother gets to tell you how she feels about the abortion without being beat to a bloody pulp may help clear the air. It bothers her and I think she will keep bringing it up. It might be - she is grieving.

[JTSW]

4 hours ago, Hurtx10 said:

I used to get beat up from my father and my mother wouldn’t stop it. When I say beat up I don’t mean a spanking, my face would be black and blue, he use to make me sleep the car, one time he chased me with a knife because I didn’t want to sleep alone, I was no more than six. And my mom would never do anything. If I fell off my bike, it would be a problem, I’d be afraid to say anything because I’d get in trouble for falling. So growing up I just dealt with everything myself with no support. 

Hurtx10, I am so so sorry you went through this.

I sincerely apologize. Now i understand allot more where you are coming from.

I understand your mom now too. 

She ignored you when you needed her the most.

That's not right.

I understand why you feel so angry at her now.

If you need to talk about things I'm here for you.

Message me anytime x 

[amaysngrace]

6 hours ago, Hurtx10 said:

I don’t live with her. When I visit I still use my old room🙂

The next time she’s bothering you go home rather than becoming physically and verbally abusive.

I’m sorry for what you went through as a child.  Have you gotten help for that?

It’s pretty obvious your mom isn’t going to be who you need her to be, you have a life of proof to know that.  Now your next step is learning to accept it and see her as the flawed person she is.  Her being who she is has nothing to do with who you are though so try not to take it personally.

You’re a very strong person and you’ve always deserved better from them.

[stillafool]

Yes if I were you I would just stay away from her.  Good you have your own place to go to.

[MsJayne]

18 hours ago, Hurtx10 said:

Thank you for your understanding, not jumping to conclusions and making assumptions. Everything you said is so put on, I would’ve loved emotional support. I have a lot of a resentment towards my mother! Growing up my parents were good providers but that’s about it - I always had the best of the best. However I used to get beat up from my father and my mother wouldn’t stop it. When I say beat up I don’t mean a spanking, my face would be black and blue, he use to make me sleep the car, one time he chased me with a knife because I didn’t want to sleep alone, I was no more than six. And my mom would never do anything. If I fell off my bike, it would be a problem, I’d be afraid to say anything because I’d get in trouble for falling. So growing up I just dealt with everything myself with no support. 

idk if a culture thing, she’s obsessed loves on my brothers- she tells them I love yous and hugs them till this day as adults. Growing up till now I didn’t get that. I know for my dad it’s definitely a culture thing to respond with a backhand to the face for every little thing. 

 

That's serious stuff.  If you can, I really think you should talk about this with a professional counsellor because you need the support. I'm guessing you're in your late teens or early twenties, because that's the general age when the wounds from child abuse start to rear their ugly head - anger, violent reactions, depression, and so on. It's the repressed emotions bubbling to the surface.  Don't let this colour your whole life, you have it in you to change it.  

[Noproblem]

Some mom and daughters relationships are toxic

get the hell out and don't live with her.

Your relationship will get better when you are away from each others.

 

[preraph]

First, of course, you must not get physical with her.  Ever. 

 

Second, how can a mother not KNOW you'd be sensitive about babies after having an abortion or losing a child or even not being able to conceive timely?  What is she, stupid?  That seems like it would be common sense.  Well, if she didn't know before, she knows now.  I think it's time you just worked hard to afford your own place if you're living with her.  She is very likely TRYING to make you want to have babies again.  And anyway, it sounds like you will, but when YOU'RE ready, not when she's ready.  Ugh.  

If you feel uncontrollable rage, maybe you do need to talk it through with a counselor and get it all out.  

[Noproblem]

5 hours ago, preraph said:

First, of course, you must not get physical with her.  Ever. 

 

Second, how can a mother not KNOW you'd be sensitive about babies after having an abortion or losing a child or even not being able to conceive timely?  What is she, stupid?  That seems like it would be common sense.  Well, if she didn't know before, she knows now.  I think it's time you just worked hard to afford your own place if you're living with her.  She is very likely TRYING to make you want to have babies again.  And anyway, it sounds like you will, but when YOU'RE ready, not when she's ready.  Ugh.  

If you feel uncontrollable rage, maybe you do need to talk it through with a counselor and get it all out.  

Her mother used to watch op dad abuses and beats up Op and never said  a thing.

That's the kind of mother we are dealing with.

 

Edited February 9, 2020 by Noproblem

[preraph]

So there's a very good chance she just has her head in the sand and doesn't think through anything.. She's living on the River of denial.

 I hope he can get out of there soon. Don't become either one of your parents. 

[preraph]

She, not he.

[Ellener]

When I train caregivers etc I tell them 'when someone's out of control, don't join in.'

Sorry your childhood was so difficult, then spilled over into adulthood.

Don't rely on your mother for support, don't expect her to understand by now. But don't hit or yell at her either or you become part of her dysfunction.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[JS84]

If she's causing you those kinds of problems and you're a bully towards her anyway why are you even going over there??? 

[IndigoNight]

If my daughter treated me with the blatant disrespect the OP shows her mother, she'd be finding a new place to live. I would do anything for my kids, except being abused by them. They want to treat us, they're parents, so badly, then they can move out. If my children put their hands on me in anger, they'd be out of my house within the hour, or in jail. Probably both!

No one, and I do mean NO ONE, should  put up with that kind of abuse and being assaulted physically; especially if it's their grown child.

I've had an abortion too. Late term (actually gave birth) due to severe health risks. I've NEVER used it as an excuse to abuse anyone, and the experience was horrifying. It still haunts me years later, but I cannot imagine lashing out at a loved one for showing me baby clothes. 

[stillafool]

On 2/20/2020 at 6:36 PM, JS84 said:

If she's causing you those kinds of problems and you're a bully towards her anyway why are you even going over there??? 

I agree.  She needs to stay away from her mom for her mom's health and well being.

[SweetCharity]

On 2/25/2020 at 7:20 AM, IndigoNight said:

If my daughter treated me with the blatant disrespect the OP shows her mother, she'd be finding a new place to live. I would do anything for my kids, except being abused by them. They want to treat us, they're parents, so badly, then they can move out. If my children put their hands on me in anger, they'd be out of my house within the hour, or in jail. Probably both!

No one, and I do mean NO ONE, should  put up with that kind of abuse and being assaulted physically; especially if it's their grown child.

I've had an abortion too. Late term (actually gave birth) due to severe health risks. I've NEVER used it as an excuse to abuse anyone, and the experience was horrifying. It still haunts me years later, but I cannot imagine lashing out at a loved one for showing me baby clothes. 

THANK YOU! I was about to say, that there's absolutely no excuse to assault and call your mother names. OP did not handle it well and should not be going over there in the first place if her mother is such a problem. 

I'm sorry you went through abuse as a child. I went through it too. My mother herself would severely hit me until I was an adult. I found out years later that she would leave my sister black and blue. But she's an old woman now and significantly chilled out and feels guilt for the past though she won't admit it. Sometimes our parents fail us in the worst way. I don't know your full story. However, I never in a million years would dare to put my hands on my mom or call her the B word. I understand getting exasperated and not responding with the best tone, but assault? Nope nope nope. 

Perpetuating abuse is not the answer. Seek therapy and set boundaries. And stop making excuses for this kind of behavior. 

[Pumaza]

Abortion is someting unnatural and traumatic.

Both of you are traumatize and probaly feeling guilty. And react deferent after it was done.

But you reacting it on your mom is wrong.

She is not in your mind and body,so she cant know how you feel and what triggers you,to be cosiderate about.

Its your job to speak your feelings and mind so people can know. You are grown.

You both need to seek therapy.

You for sure after such huge traumatic choice.

Beside, """are you jealous' could be said by anyone,anywhere and you may snap.Seek a therapist.And apologize to your mom.And respect her ,what ever the relationship is between you and her.

[spiderowl]

On 1/22/2020 at 4:19 AM, Hurtx10 said:

Thank you for your understanding, not jumping to conclusions and making assumptions. Everything you said is so put on, I would’ve loved emotional support. I have a lot of a resentment towards my mother! Growing up my parents were good providers but that’s about it - I always had the best of the best. However I used to get beat up from my father and my mother wouldn’t stop it. When I say beat up I don’t mean a spanking, my face would be black and blue, he use to make me sleep the car, one time he chased me with a knife because I didn’t want to sleep alone, I was no more than six. And my mom would never do anything. If I fell off my bike, it would be a problem, I’d be afraid to say anything because I’d get in trouble for falling. So growing up I just dealt with everything myself with no support. 

idk if a culture thing, she’s obsessed loves on my brothers- she tells them I love yous and hugs them till this day as adults. Growing up till now I didn’t get that. I know for my dad it’s definitely a culture thing to respond with a backhand to the face for every little thing. 

I'm really sorry to hear this.  It sounds like you have been seriously abused in the past and, not surprisingly, now have a lot of hurt, anger and resentment.  Your mum is clearly not the most sensitive type of person.  In fact, someone who will tolerate your father treating you like that is seriously impaired.  Her behaviour does sound provocative and you are reacting to that provocation.  The whole situation must be very frustrating and upsetting and it is possible you are not able to see what is happening in full by yourself.  I do think counselling would help you.  You have a lot to talk about with someone who understands and can work through it with you.  You deserve that kind of support.  Is there any supportive organisation you could get in touch with where they might have counsellors?  Can you afford to see one and pay yourself?

I think the fact that you brought this incident to the forums shows you are unhappy about how you have reacted and your relationship with your mum.  You already know that such aggression is not a good sign and that you both need a better way.  There must be a lot of tension between you.  Your mum could go to the police and get you charged with threatening behaviour.  Hopefully it will never come to that.  Have you tried talking with her about the abortion?  What was her reaction to attempts to talk about it? 

Things may never be wonderful with your mum if she truly is an insensitive person.  Hopefully, you will find someone on your own wavelength to spend time with in the future and won't need to spend as much time with your mum.  If you can move out to somewhere safe, it is worth considering. 

Edited May 12, 2020 by spiderowl