do my friend and I have romantic feelings for each other?

[callmegrace]

 

Hello,

 A few weeks ago I slept with a good friend of mine and I've been in my feelings about it ever since. I had put him firmly in the brother/friendzone not because I didn't find him attractive or because I don't enjoy spending time with him it just seemed like the best thing to do since we shared a space together to keep things straightforward

Things you should know before I continue:

• We've been acquaintances for 10 years
• We were on the verge of dating and spending lots of time together a few years ago. Nothing happened.
• We've been living together for a year as friends and have cultivated a good friendship

So we slept together...

He was really sweet about it, asking me how I felt after the experience and creating room to talk. Our friendship so far seems unaffected, we've become more flirty and playful with each other and have slept together 3 other times since the first encounter. He still continues to be sweet towards me, makes me breakfast when I ask, calls to check in when I'm home sick, always making sure the house is stock with my fave snacks.

We had a meeting to discuss what we both wanted out of the experience and he expressed he wanted to explore his capacity to connect with me on an emotional level by deepening our friendship. He has asked me to identify areas where I'd like to connect with him, that would add value to our relationship and he's open to trying to incorporate them. It should be noted, that he's the type of person who doesn't take letting anyone into his inner world lightly.

He said that the sex doesn't need to continue (its currently on pause) for this to happen and if it doesn't, it doesn't change his desire to explore how we can connect further.

My Struggle

1. I'm still figuring out my feelings for him romantically. I love him as a friend. I find myself missing him when we're apart and I love spending time with him and cuddling. I actually said to a friend a few weeks before this happened that I hope my next partner makes me feel as safe as he does. I have physical attraction and like him as a person, but there's not like BAM PANG in my heart, just sweet ordinary admiration and respect.
2. He's dating other people. We aren't dating and now I'm finding myself feeling super uncomfortable and insecure when he goes out the meet this woman he's trying to determine if she's a friend or a romantic interest.
3. I don't know if he likes me likes me and I don't think its fair to demand knowing seeing as I'm still figuring out how I feel about him.
4. This past week, I started feeling hella nervous around him. I'm used to being confident and comfortable around him and now I feel like I'm always second guessing myself.
5. I'm scared that I'll spend all this effort of building a deeper friendship and then find I do actually have more robust feelings for him but by then he'll be head over heels this woman he's dating. But I also don't want to rush deciding how I feel about him out of fear of missing out.
6. I'm used to men being really forward and moving very quickly, swooping in with romance etc. That's how I gauge their interest. But he's not that type of person. So everthing is suppppeeer subtle.

My close friend (who is friends with both of us, and has been friends with him longer) has been pointing out for months how gentle and attentive he is of me and she says she's never seen that side of him. My family is also in my ear about him, saying how great we'd be together.

I'm exhausted by the mental energy this is taking from me and I would really like to be able to focus on the other areas of my life. I need some perspective on this.

[FMW]

From what you write, it sounds like you have the beginnings of romantic feelings for him and just need time to see where it goes. But if he's dating, then things are going to stay fuzzy while he gets to have you (with or without sex) PLUS still explore other options.  Whatever he feels for you, he's not showing much interest in being a couple.  His willingness to incorporate possible new areas of connection sounds really "meh".  Like he's just doing the minimum to keep you on board with being friends and roommates and not disrupt his life while he dates others.  

Loving you as a friend and being caring and attentive in the ways you describe can exist without a desire on his part to advance to anything more.  And again, his dating is a clear sign he's not ready to give you anything more.  You're probably very special to him - but he's still dating.    

 

[2BGoodAgain]

honestly, i'm kind wary of folks who get STRONG impressions or emotions, in a way that they do crazy things for love...... the steady feeling is less dramatic, tbh, and more stable, in my book.

what you should ask yourself is... is he what you want long term or is this what you want short term? Are your feelings short term, for now.. or do you feel it's long term, etc..

dating is how we discover who we are, what we want, what we don't want, etc... 

 

[VioletVelvet]

Sounds to me like you do have romantic feelings for him but are holding back because of fear of rejection, especially given his dating situation. I think you do need to talk to him about it even if you are unsure. Your unsure-ness can be part of the discussion. It's always best to communicate, and the earlier and more open the better. 

[PRW]

Somebody needs to pull the trigger. I think it needs to be him.  Trying to be friends first,...especially living together as friends,...is very bad.  It causes exactly what you describe in your point #1 when you said,

"I'm still figuring out my feelings for him romantically. I love him as a friend. I find myself missing him when we're apart and I love spending time with him and cuddling. I actually said to a friend a few weeks before this happened that I hope my next partner makes me feel as safe as he does. I have physical attraction and like him as a person, but there's not like BAM PANG in my heart, just sweet ordinary admiration and respect."

This is the problem that the "Friends First" ideology generates.

Quote

He said that the sex doesn't need to continue (its currently on pause) for this to happen

He is not going for what he wants and being bold about it.  This further diminishes the romantic feelings and boosts the platonic feelings.  If he doesn't step it up and go for it, this is going to fizzle out with the two of you eventually parting ways and no longer even being friends.

Edited January 24, 2020 by PRW

[preraph]

I don't like how he's over and over using the term "friendship" with you as he has sex.  I think all he wants here is to keep the status quo but add in having sex with you, but only as a "friend," which in manspeak, means you're not who he'd ever choose for a wife or for long-term and the fact he's still dating tells you all you need to know.  He is still looking for the one he wants to keep.  So I'm afraid this may have gone off the rails.  

 

And yeah, he's not "dating" you.  I think he's just having convenient sex.  If I were you, I'd stop that right now and see if you can just keep dating other people like he's doing.  Not sure if you're in your feelings that can happen.  He crossed a line and he did it unseriously, as "friends" and without dating and while dating other people.  

[callmegrace]

On 1/24/2020 at 12:01 PM, preraph said:

I don't like how he's over and over using the term "friendship" with you as he has sex.  I think all he wants here is to keep the status quo but add in having sex with you, but only as a "friend," which in manspeak, means you're not who he'd ever choose for a wife or for long-term and the fact he's still dating tells you all you need to know.  He is still looking for the one he wants to keep.  So I'm afraid this may have gone off the rails.  

 

And yeah, he's not "dating" you.  I think he's just having convenient sex.  If I were you, I'd stop that right now and see if you can just keep dating other people like he's doing.  Not sure if you're in your feelings that can happen.  He crossed a line and he did it unseriously, as "friends" and without dating and while dating other people.  

I get where you're coming from. But the reality is sex has only been a part of our friendship for about 5-weeks. We've been living together as friends for a year and also built a friendship 9 years prior to that. 

There hasn't been any flirting or physical boundaries being pushed beyond what is considered platonic until maybe early December 2019.

I'm also an active participant in the sex happening. We both crossed a line. 

Would I date just for dating sake? Probably not. He was dating before all of this happened, so are you suggesting I ask him to stop seeing other people even though we acknowledge mutual attraction but haven't agreed if that means we should date? 

5-weeks seems somewhat short of a time to making all these demands. Especially since I only started realizing I had romantic feelings last week.

 

 

Edited January 29, 2020 by callmegrace

[callmegrace]

On 1/24/2020 at 11:43 AM, PRW said:

This is the problem that the "Friends First" ideology generates.

What do you mean by this? It's not like when I met him 10 years ago or moved in with him and I decided "oh I like this person, let's just be friends"

For me it was platonic and he had a serious girlfriend who I set him up with. THIS happening was not on my agenda. I'm still on the fence on whether I want to date anyone. Including him. All I know now is that I like him 😕

[callmegrace]

On 1/21/2020 at 11:33 PM, VioletVelvet said:

Sounds to me like you do have romantic feelings for him but are holding back because of fear of rejection, especially given his dating situation. I think you do need to talk to him about it even if you are unsure. Your unsure-ness can be part of the discussion. It's always best to communicate, and the earlier and more open the better. 

We've been communicating openly. I guess I just came here to sort out my feelings. 

I usually go for men who are extroverted and come on super strong so it's clear they are interested. 

I'm very clear at the current state this is friends with benefits situation. For me, I am in the process of deciding that now that I have realized I have feelings if it's a healthy space for me to be.

Yeah it would be great if he liked me back. But my bigger concern is how do I feel about him? Would I see myself in happy relationship?