stillafool Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 2 hours ago, Demps87 said: Also what if I don't actually want it with another girl? It still meant something to me. There was still a connection there, I just can't make a relationship with her work. If you want her back then tell her that before you have sex again. If you just want to have sex with her because you have a connection but don't want her back don't have sex. She doesn't need her emotions played with and sex is bonding making her think there's a chance to get back in a relationship with you. You would be using her for your own needs while discounting hers. That isn't fair and that will make her feel used, which would be true. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 (edited) 9 hours ago, Cookiesandough said: First of all, she sounds crazy. Block her an keep her blocked. Secondly, you shouldn’t have stuck your D in crazy. She's not crazy cookies. She has anxiety issues. Edited January 22, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator rude 4 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 No, you're not a bad person, but you are using her, and that's wrong. She's emotionally vulnerable and very susceptible to being used by men. She's not sleeping with you because she wants sex, she sleeps with you because it momentarily fills an emotional void. Ask yourself what sort of person takes advantage of someone who's psychologically conditioned to be walked all over, and then don't be one of those people. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
K.K. Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 4 hours ago, mark clemson said: Just repeating those words of wisdom. Sometimes you don't know in advance but when you do, avoid. The beautiful and sexy trainwrecks are the worst IMO... Concerning “sticking your dick in crazy.” The worst what lol? Sincere question. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 Thing is, the dumpee is usually a little "crazy" after being dumped. Their world just fell apart,, they don't eat, they don't sleep, they often drink a lot, they cry a lot, they get angry and frustrated, they get desperate, distressed, upset, sad and depressed. Their thinking processes may not be normal, and it can take a long time to get over, sometimes literally years... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 9 minutes ago, K.K. said: The worst what lol? Sincere question. Ah, my meaning is the beautiful, sexy women who are also trainwrecks and/or emotionally unstable are very difficult to deal with for men because we may love them, be attracted, etc anyway and have a hard time seeing them for what they are and extricating ourselves from them. This probably is parallel in women to a "wonderful" guy who's also abusive, such as what Elaine was describing about her ex in Ruby Slipper's thread. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
K.K. Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 3 minutes ago, mark clemson said: ... and have a hard time seeing them for what they are So .. what are they. Just crazy? Or felonious heathens? Crazy’s bad right? Or only bad in the context of a ‘real relationship.’? Would it be a good thing in the context of only sticking your dick in it though? Again, sincere. Promise. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 (edited) Ah, I mean the sort of emotionally unstable/personality disordered/hot-cold/super jealous/possibly violent type of woman that you sometimes encounter. Screaming, on-off, slashed tires, sics a new BF on you. That sort of thing. They are out there. They have problems you cannot fix and they are a potential threat (certainly to your emotional health, if not physical). You don't want anything to do with them for your own sanity's sake, least of all a relationship. There are some guys who actually like/crave the drama, and the sex MIGHT (or might not) be great, but I think they are not doing themselves any favors, certainly not in the long run. If you have, e.g. a ONS with them they can start stalking etc. Not worth it IMO. This is off topic, so we should probably discontinue or it will probably get moderated. Feel free to PM if you like. Hastas... Edited January 21, 2020 by mark clemson 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Demps87 Posted January 21, 2020 Author Share Posted January 21, 2020 18 minutes ago, mark clemson said: Ah, I mean the sort of emotionally unstable/personality disordered/hot-cold/super jealous/possibly violent type of woman that you sometimes encounter. Screaming, on-off, slashed tires, sics a new BF on you. That sort of thing. They are out there. They have problems you cannot fix and they are a potential threat (certainly to your emotional health, if not physical). You don't want anything to do with them for your own sanity's sake, least of all a relationship. Ooo ok. I know you're not directing this particularly at my ex and I'm not aiming this solely at you.. but just so we are all clear here, she is none of those things. And I would never want her painted that way. Nor do I like this toxic idea that people with mental health issues should be avoided, they can be supported and grow with the right person but that person isn't me At times she can be a bit needy I suppose, needs more assurance and emotional support than the average woman. She has anxiety and panic attacks. If we argue thats the main issue, it spirals because she essentially experiences flashbacks, from what I understand and she goes into panic mode that it will escalate. Shes not in anyway mean, violent, 'crazy' or a danger to be with. I would at most say it's a bit emotionally draining, but I'm not in the position at the moment to be supportive and that was the issue. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Demps87 Posted January 21, 2020 Author Share Posted January 21, 2020 Ouch. Like I said, I do care about her and I feel remorse. I didnt intend to hurt her.. at the time I thought well we are both adults and want this so where is the harm. I'm actually a bit hurt she think I would use her. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 (edited) Ok, Sorry Demps - we get posts about the emotionally unstable (and worse) types around here sometimes, soI was initially lumping her in where she doesn't belong. Later I was mostly responding to KK. Apologies for any thread-derailing... Edited January 21, 2020 by mark clemson 1 Link to post Share on other sites
K.K. Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 Me too. Sorry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 I don't think you are a bad guy you just didn't understand the dynamics of the dumper/dumpee. Dumpees can also get confused, thinking the all the hurt and anguish is split down the middle. They can think both feel the same degree of upset. But truth is the dumpee is the one feeling the most pain, whilst the dumper may be feeling sad they are usually not desperate as they made the decision to split and may even feel little or no upset at all. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 9 hours ago, Demps87 said: I agree it's a mess. What I don't agree with is the narrative that I was wrong to sleep with her. Which she also seems to think as she has claimed she feels used, we are both adults and she chose to sleep with me as much as I did so I never really saw the issue? You don't break up with a woman who is emotionally attached to you or loves you and then just go have casual sex with her. How selfish! You were wrong. You know how emotional she is, you know there's real feelings there, and you just used her for sex. She is absolutely right in everything she's nailed you about. Tell her you were wrong but you don't want her back and there will be no further contact. Then try to coordinate so you're not there if she comes over to her brother's house. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Demps87 Posted January 22, 2020 Author Share Posted January 22, 2020 @preraph I guess I was being selfish yeah, I can see that. it was never premeditated or a thing of like 'I'll just sleep with her then bye bye' by the way. I still have feelings and I did intend to continue to be a part of her life and i only blocked her because we are always arguing. But as you and others have pointed out, there's selfishness in that .. I was thinking only of how i wanted it to go. If anyone is still following.. are we all in agreement that i should definitely leave her blocked for good? No unblocking and apologising? I hate that she thinks of me as someone who has used her and i dont really feel like I did. But I'm falling into the trap of being selfish again arent I? Apologising because I dont want her to hate me. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 22, 2020 Share Posted January 22, 2020 Tell her she's right and you're wrong and that you weren't thinking about true feelings when you casually had sex with her. Tell her you don't want her to hate you but that you now realize there's no middle ground and that you want to stop contact and avoid contact and work out a plan for how to avoid contact. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted January 22, 2020 Share Posted January 22, 2020 7 hours ago, JTSW said: She's not crazy cookies. She has anxiety issues. Hahaha. I have severe anxiety disorder, boy has that taken me some crazy places and taken some managing... All the best people are a bit 'crazy' in my opinion, I am convinced it's an evolution thing, without mental illness nothing would change much about people/relationships/life. But it has to be managed or it becomes very difficult for oneself and people around. @Demps87 you're not a bad guy, that's why you should not have sex again with her. Or get into a relationship now you know what it entails unless you can commit to that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 22, 2020 Share Posted January 22, 2020 I think the post below applies to your situation too, with your former GF being the one with the feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted January 22, 2020 Share Posted January 22, 2020 18 hours ago, Demps87 said: So it does appear that I used her? I didn't want that. I thought she knew I wanted nothing more, she chose to sleep with me so I made the assumption that it was ok. I do feel bad that I've upset her. It was never my intention. Would unblocking her to apologise make it worse then? I know it wasn't your intention to hurt her. But she had hopes of getting back together and sleeping with her increased that hope. I think it might help to apologize x 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Whodatdog Posted January 22, 2020 Share Posted January 22, 2020 10 hours ago, Demps87 said: @preraph I guess I was being selfish yeah, I can see that. it was never premeditated or a thing of like 'I'll just sleep with her then bye bye' by the way. I still have feelings and I did intend to continue to be a part of her life and i only blocked her because we are always arguing. But as you and others have pointed out, there's selfishness in that .. I was thinking only of how i wanted it to go. If anyone is still following.. are we all in agreement that i should definitely leave her blocked for good? No unblocking and apologising? I hate that she thinks of me as someone who has used her and i dont really feel like I did. But I'm falling into the trap of being selfish again arent I? Apologising because I dont want her to hate me. As long as you keep seeing her and sleeping with her, with no intention of making this a serious committed relationship, you are crippling her from finding a relationship that will be good for her, both emotionally and physically. You are perfectly happy being her friend and sleeping with her while emotionally slapping her in the face. Do you think thats being kind to her? Its all up to you, but if you care for this girl at all, do whats right for her, not what feels good to you. Theres plenty of girls out there for you. Give her a chance to get into a healthy relationship with someone who will be there for her. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
PinkFlamingo Posted January 22, 2020 Share Posted January 22, 2020 On 1/21/2020 at 4:39 PM, Cookiesandough said: First of all, she sounds crazy. Block her an keep her blocked. Secondly, you shouldn’t have stuck your D in crazy. Damage is done, so keep it out. Obviously she has some accountability here and she learned the hard way that sex doesn’t necessarily mean someone wants to be with her. However, you also have some accountability here also. Don’t hurt people just to get a nut. That’s my assessment. Block her and move on with life. Girl, you need to stop believing that blocking is the panacea to dealing with difficult feelings and emotional people. 😛 Link to post Share on other sites
PinkFlamingo Posted January 22, 2020 Share Posted January 22, 2020 20 hours ago, Demps87 said: Ouch. Like I said, I do care about her and I feel remorse. I didnt intend to hurt her.. at the time I thought well we are both adults and want this so where is the harm. I'm actually a bit hurt she think I would use her. She has more right to be upset than you have to be offended. Your behavior was very inconsiderate and careless, and while it is not the same as deliberately using someone, it can still cause pain. Like driving drunk and killing someone. You may not have had the intention of killing someone and it's not the same as murdering someone on purpose, but you really should have known better and not have used the car when drunk. 18 hours ago, Demps87 said: @preraph I guess I was being selfish yeah, I can see that. it was never premeditated or a thing of like 'I'll just sleep with her then bye bye' by the way. I still have feelings and I did intend to continue to be a part of her life and i only blocked her because we are always arguing. But as you and others have pointed out, there's selfishness in that .. I was thinking only of how i wanted it to go. If anyone is still following.. are we all in agreement that i should definitely leave her blocked for good? No unblocking and apologising? I hate that she thinks of me as someone who has used her and i dont really feel like I did. But I'm falling into the trap of being selfish again arent I? Apologising because I dont want her to hate me. I find blocking very harsh and it causes me a lot of anxiety, as if the guy never cared for me. I find it much better when someome makes the effort to talk to me and give me a well-thought explanation. And beside, are you sure you never ever want to give it another try with her? If you block her, it will be over forever. It's cruel to block someone, because you feel that it's more convenient for you, and then trying to go back with her, when she is about to get over you, because now she will be torn between wanting to get back with you and knowing that she shouldn't, because you would absolutely not deserve her anymore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Demps87 Posted January 23, 2020 Author Share Posted January 23, 2020 5 hours ago, PinkFlamingo said: She has more right to be upset than you have to be offended. Your behavior was very inconsiderate and careless, and while it is not the same as deliberately using someone, it can still cause pain. Like driving drunk and killing someone. You may not have had the intention of killing someone and it's not the same as murdering someone on purpose, but you really should have known better and not have used the car when drunk. I find blocking very harsh and it causes me a lot of anxiety, as if the guy never cared for me. I find it much better when someome makes the effort to talk to me and give me a well-thought explanation. And beside, are you sure you never ever want to give it another try with her? If you block her, it will be over forever. It's cruel to block someone, because you feel that it's more convenient for you, and then trying to go back with her, when she is about to get over you, because now she will be torn between wanting to get back with you and knowing that she shouldn't, because you would absolutely not deserve her anymore. Yeah. I think it causes her anxiety too so its probably not the best thing to do but she gets emotional and has panic attacks and I don't know how to deal with that. Ive unfortunately blocked her multiple times but I never know what else to do. I don't even know I want if I'm being truly honest. I've never loved someone as much as her. But I don't think I'm the right person for her, I can't support her. And then I'm in a point in my life where I can't risk messing up, I finally got a job that I wanted but it was a trial period for the first few months, before I get a permanent contract.. I couldnt focus on her and that at the same time. It ends soon and I guess I'm scared that when it does I'll regret letting her go, because yeah sure I'll have the job but will it be worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 23, 2020 Share Posted January 23, 2020 I don't think you should block her, especially given that you know her brother and friends and stuff. I'd apologise but then suggest that a close friendship is not wise...but you'd like to remain on comfortable terms. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted January 26, 2020 Share Posted January 26, 2020 (edited) Quote I slept with my ex and then blocked her. Am I a bad guy? if you have to ask... On 1/21/2020 at 8:37 AM, Demps87 said: Further complications to this are firstly that I am her brothers friend and he hasn't come for you yet? On 1/21/2020 at 8:37 AM, Demps87 said: in December she stayed over at my place for a week to pet-sit for her brother and we bumped in to each other a few times. Ended up sleeping together. she felt like she was initiating all the texts, I denied this but looking back she was right. That's called "gaslighting" Quote I will admit that shes made it very clear that she wanted to give it another go and still loved me. I told her I had already said I dont want a girlfriend I made the first move thst night, which I did. And apparently I alluded to us trying again soon once I had settled in my new job. I then blocked her on the messaging app we use because I didn't want to argue. Dude, just leave her alone. You mean her no good. You're adding to her ptsd and that's not fair. Sleep with one eye open because blood is thicker than water. Edited January 26, 2020 by kendahke 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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