Struggling with leaving abuse

[Marie219]

I feel so upset, depressed and in such a dark place I don;t know what to do.  I have been on and off with who I believe is a narcissist and or verbal abuser for almost two years.  Everytime we would disagree over normal couple issues it would turn into him berating me and calling me the most vile names I have ever heard.  It is like he used every weakness I shared with him against me.  Each fight would end with him running out (literally running) and blocking me for a few hours or a day.  We broke up and got back together so many times and each time it was me begging for him back.  We recently moved in together and everything just got much worse.  He would call me a loser and that no one would ever love me, ugly, pathetic, c*nt, crazy, I'll never have children, that I am like a dog that always comes back, he hit me in the face with a pillow, pushed me, told me if I died in front of him he'd laugh the list goes on and on and I'd still be the one apologizing to him.  One day and it is funny because it wasn't that bad of an argument he told me to get out and he's done with me and something in me snapped.  The next day I moved everything I owned out of our apartment and moved back home.  I felt so strong in the moment because I truly believe he never thought I would actually leave.  Now its been two weeks and I am starting to second guess myself.  He has not even tried to contact me and seems like he is just so happy and not even apologetic for anything he did to me and that's what hurts so badly.  Over the course of our relationship he lost his job and had nothing, I let him move in with me and helped him in anyway to get a new job and eventually he landed a great one.  I lost so much of myself to make him happy, my old beautiful apartment, my car, my friends, my self respect.  Once he got this job and we moved in he got so cruel and started acted so above me like I was just baggage to him.  He never supported me in any hardships I went through, instead he called me a loser and a mess. He said he doesn't need me anymore and now that he has this job he can do so much better than me.  I am an attractive woman with a great job, family and friends and a loving heart,  I don't understand how someone so cruel and hurtful can make me feel so low.  I know leaving was the right choice but I feel so broken. How can he walk away as if nothing is wrong yet I am hear crying everyday.  It is just a very lonely, heartbreaking thing to experience and very confusing.

 

I feel like so pathetic for even telling anyone I know what I've been through because most people would have walked away instead of letting this person back in so many times I lost count. I was in the happiest place I've ever been in life when I met him and I feel as now I am in the darkest place I have ever been.  It is like I built him up over the course of two years and he broke me down.  I consider myself a strong woman that is why it is so embarrassing to admit somehow I became so weak..I guess I just need some reassurance that I did the right thing.  Does this sound like narcissistic abuse to anyone that has been through this?

[preraph]

This is what abusers do to you.  They make you feel like you don't DESERVE anyone decent.  They brainwash you!!  Now, you have got to lock him out of your life and have zero contact with him. Tell your friends and relatives, if he hasn't run them all off, to NOT give him any info about you or your whereabouts and let them know how abusive he is.  I know you feel ashamed about it, but this is what abusers do and they know how to do it, and you are the victim.  

 

But you have a chance now to stay out, and you MUST!  Seek support from a women's clinic.  Look online for domestic abuse support in your area, and there are some hotlines you can call from anywhere.  Try to find a support group.  

[2BGoodAgain]

doesn't matter what he is or who he is, what he has done or what he could do or whatever you are thinking about him....

GET OUT.

pack whatever you have, and LEAVE....

if you don't, then you are basically saying, you don't care about yourself. who cares what others say, who CARES what others think.... 

CARE about yourself, your safety and your happiness.

the only power he has over you, is the power YOU GIVE HIM.

get out, my dear... and value yourself above anyone else. and find your happiness that only YOU can determine what it is.

[Marie219]

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and thank you for the advice.  My friends and family see right through him and don't like him.  My family allowed me to bring him around for holidays out of respect for me but my friends don't allow me to bring him to any events.  It's funny though he would always tell me I am the embarrassment , and he's afraid to bring me out in public or his friends because I might embarrass him.  I was very close to his mom and most of his friends seemed to like me.  His mother on numerous times would be the one to pick up the broken pieces he left by running out and she told me to leave him many times.  I have been in bad relationships before and I have had bad fights but nothing even remotely close to this not on this level of disrespect.. It is like I don't even know what to think anymore.  He'd tell me he hates me and is not in love with me one day just to turn around the next and tell me he would never want to lose me.  He'd curse and call me names he knew made me feel horrible but then he'd tell me I don't respect him or that he has to be that way to get through to me. I feel like I am so far into it that I almost feel like this is just another episode like it is hard to believe it is finally over and I am having a hard time with acceptance and self worth.

[scooby-philly]

Agreed! Even only partially bad/selfish/crazy people can make things about YOU and turn situations or offer perspectives that make you the bad person, make the relationship and its bad parts your fault. For full-flown psychos, abusers, etc. - this is what they perpetually do.

I'm so sorry to hear of your pain. I think for decent people (read, "good", not perfect or flawless) it's hard for us to just wake up one day and realize we're dating a loser, or someone mean, or someone caring, or someone who only acts nice. That's where we have to practice self-worth and realize that we're not bad people or worthless or any less for falling for someone. They're personality is not a reflection on us or our ability to eventually find true love and happiness. You did enable him and put up with it for way too long. But now you know better and now you're free. Of course he's not going to come begging for you to come back - that would go against the self-defense (or offensive in this case) mechanisms they've built up. He can only feel good about himself by putting others down. And more the point, he's not there when you need him and was ungrateful and forgetful of when you were there for him. Count your blessings.

 

Now in terms of recovery - own and accept and share you feelings. At least on here, maybe DM someone here you trust, but hopefully with at least one person irl (in real life). If you feel unlovable - share it. Unworthy - share it. Stupid - share it. Worthless - share it. Your emotions will help guide you over time. But most importantly - remember, the definition of insanity is trying something over and over again the same way expecting a different outcome. So if you have learned the lesson - then you're not insane! And smile - just think - we have a president in the USA who 40% of the population (or at least voting population last time ( i think it was 48%)) would let get away with anything. And Australia is burning. And Russia and Iran and North Korea are looking stronger than ever. So um....yeah - smile - babies were born today. People got married today. People said their last goodbyes to family members today. You're going to be okay and you will find love and will find the ability to love yourself again!

[JPT0918]

Marie,

It's really unfortunate you are in this situation. don't blame yourself. He preyed on you. in the beginning he showered with all the love nd affection a girl could ask for only to withdraw it once he had you hooked like  drug addict. you must cut all contact off and work on yourself. I know it's easier said than done.

I'm dealing with someone i consider a covert narcissist who does everything in her power to have me support her financially. I felt miserable around her. Couldn't be myself. always pleasing her. sacrificing all my  energy to her, when she never gave in return. that's the game they play. getting you to be totally subservient.

It isn't until you realize you're being used and are a doormat will you begin to take the steps to get up and walk out the door. I split from her after the holidays and was doing well until today., when she contacted me. we did speak but it wasn't the same for me because I took the time of no contact to examine what I wanted out of this. And all I could think is not to re-enter this snake pit. I'm strong enough to talk to her and fall victim to her charm. I do think she thinks I'm back to being one of her puppies. Because she ran off to her new victim to pour the love on.

She is grooming another fellow old enough to be her son. I know that relationship will end and she knows it too. And all she is doing is waiting for it to end. so, she can return to me.

I do not plan on being around starting today. Narcissist are very hard to shake because in their mind you are their property. To be toyed with for their benefit. please study up on narcissism and take the steps to recovery from the trauma bond they inflicted on you. You will stumble but continue to find the motivation to stay no contact.

You can do it. Just place your needs first.

take care

 

[JTSW]

16 hours ago, Marie219 said:

He would call me a loser and that no one would ever love me, ugly, pathetic, c*nt, crazy, I'll never have children, that I am like a dog that always comes back, he hit me in the face with a pillow, pushed me, told me if I died in front of him he'd laugh the list goes on and on and I'd still be the one apologizing to him. 

Marie, No-one should say this to an enemy, let alone someone they are in a relationship with.

He is vile and you are a much better person than him.

You are a good person. He is not.

He will not end up anywhere good if he treats people like this.

You 100% did the right thing getting away from him.

You are worth so much more.

Stay strong. I'm here if you need to talk x

[stillafool]

Well thank goodness he's now out of your life and you can start rebuilding it.  The first step is NC whatsoever so be thankful he hasn't contacted you since you left.  I hope you are not trying to speak to him.  The abuse continues to escalate because every time you go back with him after his abuse he loses more and more respect for you.  So he feels he can do to you whatever  and call you names because you will take it.  It really isn't confusing, he's an abuser and you continued to go back to him which made him abuse you more.  Now you are finally out of this and you should be cheering yourself on instead of crying over someone who sees you as nothing.  

[Marie219]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

Well thank goodness he's now out of your life and you can start rebuilding it.  The first step is NC whatsoever so be thankful he hasn't contacted you since you left.  I hope you are not trying to speak to him.  The abuse continues to escalate because every time you go back with him after his abuse he loses more and more respect for you.  So he feels he can do to you whatever  and call you names because you will take it.  It really isn't confusing, he's an abuser and you continued to go back to him which made him abuse you more.  Now you are finally out of this and you should be cheering yourself on instead of crying over someone who sees you as nothing.  

 

You are so right.  That is the thing I am struggling most with.  I know I should be happy and not crying but I am.  I know I did the right thing but why does part of me still feel guilty like I did something wrong.  I am hoping over time being away from the situation I will be able to look back and be like what was I thinking, how did I allow that.   If this was one of my friends I'd tell them the same thing you just told me, thank you.

[scooby-philly]

8 minutes ago, Marie219 said:

I know I should be happy and not crying but I am.  I know I did the right thing but why does part of me still feel guilty like I did something wrong.  I am hoping over time being away from the situation I will be able to look back and be like what was I thinking, how did I allow that.   If this was one of my friends I'd tell them the same thing you just told me, thank you.

It's not easy to self-assess. Especially when it comes to love. Normal(ish), healthy(ish), and sane(ish) people stick around because we care about someone and we see a future with that person. Or we at least want to try and build a future with a person. If we didn't, we would not be in love. Think about all of the people you interact with regularly that you don't fall in love with. Falling in love happens. The issue is to learn who we fall in love with and why and if there's an unhealthy pattern in us to address it, and if not, at least learn what healthy/unhealthy looks like so moving forward we will not fall into the same trap.

Even though you are the dumper in this situation, you didn't just "fall out of love" or have the infatuation wear off. You tried over and over to make things work and to address the behavior. The problem is him. You gave him opportunities and he rejected them, for whatever reason. So you're in the same mind space as people like me that got dumped for no reason after loving a person and our minds are struggling to understand the "why"? For you, it's "why won't he change", "why couldn't he be a better man", etc. So - the key is to keep talking and sharing those feelings because only by doing so will you get the feedback you need for your sub-conscious and inner child to understand - it's not your fault. 

 

Remember that scene in Good Will Hunting towards the end (and if not, just google the movie and read the synopsis and then google the movie title and "it's not your fault") where all Robin Williams does is keep repeating "It's Not Your Fault" to Matt Damon's character? That's what you need to have others do and what you need to do for yourself over and over and over again  and maybe you will cry once or maybe it will take 1,000 times of crying - but in the end, you're not responsible for others. You're only responsible for yourself, your own happiness and providing yourself an environment where you can flourish. This man obviously has a lot of issues and it's not your job to fix him nor your job to stay in this relationship! Just remember - IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

[schlumpy]

If you are going have a chance for happiness within a relationship you will have to deal with your attraction to men that abuse you. So keep this guy at bay and don't date until you can figure out what makes you repeatedly put your hand in the flame. 

That could involve counseling or joining a support group for abused women. If you don't take these steps, then there is a high likely hood that you will choose the same for your next relationship. There are books to read and long reflective walks in your future.