Trapped

[hopeless_]

I'd like to start off saying I've only been married for two years and felt like I've made the worst mistake of my life. Before I met my husband I was single for a long time. I never had a full long term relationship and the longest I did have was with my first who used me all throughout the beginning of my 20s. After I found the courage to cut off communication I've dated men and trusted the wrong ones. I thought I was better off alone until I met my friend's nephew. He is a French citizen and visited the US a few times but never stayed. He has family here but originally from a Caribbean Island. I met him the week of my birthday. He wouldn't stop staring at me. Initially I did not like him because for one he did not speak English and he was not my type. After a couple of months of wooing me  like an idiot he asked me to marry him and I agreed. Thinking he was a nice guy he progressively started to learn English and shortly after our marriage I learned he was diagnosed with Crohn's disease. I knew he was family-oriented but I did not know until the point he would put them before me. We argued throughout our marriage and I was really stressed and angry at myself so most of the time I would yell at him. He did not have a job because he had to wait on his papers so my anxiety progressively got worse. Soon after he obtained a low wage job his sister moved up here with her son and he thought it was his duty to take care of her while also balancing the bills we jointly shared. Arguments got worse to the point we were screaming and running from each other. Whenever we got into an argument I would stay at my mother's house to avoid further conflict which he did not approve of. He started blaming me for the faults in our relationship along with name calling. Recently during the holidays his sister from another country came to stay with us in our small two bedroom apartment. We don't have any kids together but he does have a son from a previous marriage. She stayed in the guest room which I didn't mind. She also doesn't speak English but she agreed to look after her and my husbands 2 year old nephew. Neither one of them consulted with me about this. I asked him time and time again to ask me before having people stay over. He then texts me the next day to tell me his nephew is staying over again. Also the kid was crying at night and i had to get up for work in the morning. At the time my husband was mad at me and did not sleep in our bedroom all along his sister was here. He decided to sleep on the couch.  Repeatedly the nephew stayed over and I started to get agitated because for one he constantly cried and nobody looked after him as he ran around the apartment and slammed doors. I live in a quiet complex where there are no children. His brother who I do not get along with ( another long story) birthday was Christmas Eve and his other sister had the nerve to ask me if we could celebrate it with a dinner party at my apartment complex, and keep in mind most of his family own houses. I told her I'll think about it instead of me just saying "NO".

 

His sister that came to visit left with the nephew and his mother for awhile. I spoke with my husband about what his sister asked me and we got into a heated argument. I called my mother to see if she could stay in the house with us because I was afraid of him and his family. His anger issues became worse and the disrespect was too much for me to handle. When his sister came home she again brought the nephew over our house. So it was my mother, his sister, nephew and my husband all in one household. In the morning my mother and I left and I texted his sister that her son could not sleep over our house because of his crying and due to the fact that I had to get up in the morning for work. She became angry and started swearing which later I found out my husband told her to tell me "f*** you".  Later that night my husband came home with the nephew and told me to say something. We had a screaming match and he got in my face. My mother stepped in and he got mad at her and accused her of being an alcoholic. He got in my mother's face and they had a screaming match. My mother pulled out her taser due to fear. My husband said she has to leave the house and I said no. He begin angrily packing his things while my mother started calling him names. His older brother and the one I do not like came over to the house. His brother the one I do not like grabbed the 55 inch tv my husband purchased for our home and he let him. Soon after he left he called the cops on my mother  saying she threaten him with a taser. It was a memorable but worse Christmas ever. 

 

Next day he texts me asking him to bring me his medicine to the hotel he was staying at. He eventually moved back into our apartment (gave the tv to his brother) and I thought we would get our relationship back on track. He refuses to go to therapy and every time we argue he says "f*** you" and that he's done being nice to me. I feel as though I've fallen back into depression and my self esteem has plummeted. I can't get over the fact that he called my mother an alcoholic and even called the cops. He claims she does not respect him. We share an apartment which we signed a one year lease for recently before this incident happen. I just feel trapped in this marriage, and I repeatedly told him if he's not happy then leave. I'm conflicted if he ever loved me or did he just want to stay for the green card. Although he claims he really doesn't care for it at all. He's currently on conditional two year. He's done a lot for me in a short span of time than any man has ever done for me in my entire life but at the same time he's broken me. I know I suffer from trauma and I want to work on our marriage but deep down inside my gut is telling me to leave. 

 

[ajequals]

No one should go through this. I'd kick him out, divorce him and move on. To me. he's using you ,probably for the green card (just guessing) 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, hopeless_ said:

 I just feel trapped in this marriage, and I repeatedly told him if he's not happy then leave. 

I agree that you should kick him out and divorce him.

But further to that, you're giving away all your power when you tell him to leave if he's not happy.   Don't give him the option - make the decision yourself.     That said, I'm wondering why you feel trapped.  From where I'm sitting, it sounds like you have all the advantages.   Yes, you may have to get a flatmate in to cover his portion of the rent if you can't break the lease, but surely it's a better option than what you've currently got. 

[hopeless_]

It may seem that way. It's not easy to find a roommate within 4 weeks of the rent being due. I cannot afford to pay my portion plus his. He's paid for every piece of furniture in this apartment. I literally have nothing but a mattress. It may seem like I'm making excuses but I do have compassion for people who are sick and him with having moderate to severe Crohn's disease  I know this will further impact his illness. Even if people are mean to me I cannot bring myself to be heartless. As stupid as it sounds I do still love and care for him.

[Ellener]

3 hours ago, hopeless_ said:

Even if people are mean to me I cannot bring myself to be heartless. As stupid as it sounds I do still love and care for him.

Nothing wrong with that, it's a mature attitude.

Does sound like you are worn out with the family drama though.

What are the good things about your marriage/relationship? What's worth hanging on for?

[hopeless_]

7 hours ago, Ellener said:

Nothing wrong with that, it's a mature attitude.

Does sound like you are worn out with the family drama though.

What are the good things about your marriage/relationship? What's worth hanging on for?

I guess the good things are simple for me and I know I probably can get them from another person. I do have the support if I'm in dire need. He's never asked me for money even when he's strapped for cash. He's always worked hard for me and his family and I admired that. He was there for me when I was in surgery four hours long. He drove my mother home and went to work but always came back to the hospital to be by my side. There was a time where he did respect my family and me but now that is gone. To my knowledge he's didn't cheat on me. Most men in the past took advantage of me in that sense.

[2BGoodAgain]

it's obvious you should end this relationship.

but the bigger question i have for you.. or mebbe a recommendation... figure out who you are... if you haven't already, get therapy and find out what causes you to either be blind to men like you've dated or causes you to be drawn to them. being single isn't an answer... usually.

b/c the commonality in the men... is you. not to BLAME you, but to say.. something within you makes you vulnerable to such men or something about you,  brings this out in such men, or something about you is drawn to such men... so mebbe you should figure yourself out first... before jumping into the next relationship.

good luck to you, and get OUT... you don't deserve this kind of situation.

[hopeless_]

19 minutes ago, 2BGoodAgain said:

it's obvious you should end this relationship.

but the bigger question i have for you.. or mebbe a recommendation... figure out who you are... if you haven't already, get therapy and find out what causes you to either be blind to men like you've dated or causes you to be drawn to them. being single isn't an answer... usually.

b/c the commonality in the men... is you. not to BLAME you, but to say.. something within you makes you vulnerable to such men or something about you,  brings this out in such men, or something about you is drawn to such men... so mebbe you should figure yourself out first... before jumping into the next relationship.

good luck to you, and get OUT... you don't deserve this kind of situation.

I’ve said this to my therapist and she and I both agreed. She gave me behavior techniques to use but she says we both hate each other and I should walk away. 

[Mr. Lucky]

3 minutes ago, hopeless_ said:

she says we both hate each other and I should walk away. 

I'd say it's more he doesn't know how to love in a healthy manner.  But the net effect is the same, and I'd start the steps towards ending the marriage.  Life's too short...

Mr. Lucky

[vla1120]

On 1/21/2020 at 7:43 PM, hopeless_ said:

 It may seem like I'm making excuses but I do have compassion for people who are sick and him with having moderate to severe Crohn's disease  I know this will further impact his illness. Even if people are mean to me I cannot bring myself to be heartless. As stupid as it sounds I do still love and care for him.

I think you need to leave this toxic relationship and spend some time (with an individual therapist) on yourself so that you do not find yourself in another abusive relationship in the future.

My current (2nd) husband has stage IV cancer.  He had stage III when we first met. We rushed into marriage so he would have my health benefits. He's from Greece and has a green card, as well (though he came from Greece sponsored by his son, who is a U.S. Citizen.) I knew within the first year that our marriage was a mistake, but I stayed because of his cancer. I left him in year two, then came back when his cancer advanced from stage III to stage IV. I left him again last year because he continued his abusive behavior. His health is quickly deteriorating. I am currently his caregiver because he literally has no one else. HOWEVER, my husband's cancer is terminal. He will not get better, so I try to do what I can to help him because I don't think anyone should have to go through this illness and dying alone. His behavior has vastly improved because he knows I'll back off (and disappear) if he is abusive to me. (It only took him 5 years.)

My point is - Crohn's disease is not terminal, even though it is a lifelong illness. Your husband will have his ups and downs, but it is not your fault he has Crohn's. He has family who can help him through his illness. He is not your responsibility and you shouldn't plan to spend the rest of your life with him out of guilt!

[BaileyB]

He will take care of himself. You need to take care of yourself.

You can begin, by saving some money/looking for a roommate/looking for cheaper accommodation/planning to stay with friends and family... and getting out of this marriage. nobody deserves to be treated the way he is treating you. The fact that he says he is “done being nice to you” - I consider that a threat. Any love or compassion I felt for this man would be gone the moment he threatened me. Best wishes.