Give it to me real

[Theeisor]

I often lurk on this site because surprise, I’ve been involved in an affair for about 4 years. It was (it ended) mostly emotional because we are long distance. I ended it about 2 months because I was sick over the emotional roller coaster and for many other reasons. We’re both in long term marriages. I wasn’t happy in my marriage when it started but slowly my marriage began to improve so I started to feel a lot of guilt. I didn’t in the beginning. I’ve been trying to fall back in love with my husband because I’m not sure I totally am at this point but I’m trying. He wasn’t always the best husband but has worked to improve himself. I’m not quite certain on the state of MM marriage but he told me he had a DB and I’m not sure I believe it. When I ended things, it was slightly abrupt and for that I feel bad. I tried to apologize but he basically ignored me. I’m having a hard time accepting its over even though I know this time it is. I’m constantly feeling bad about everything and the thought that he hates me is driving me mad. I know in time this will get better and I read the stories on this site and I get some encouragement from the ones that went through it bad and came out better in the end.
I’d like to hear from some people that might relate to what I’m feeling and I guess I just need some encouragement that it will get better because I’m just so down about all this. I suppose some harsh truths are needed as well. Be gentle. 

[mark clemson]

The more you resolve to move on with your life, the more complete the NC, and the less you think about him, the easier this will be on you. In a few years or something you'll be in a place to "reflect" safely (if you even want to by then).

If you have children, you may not have been giving them your full attention due to preoccupation with the AP, so be sure to reinvest your time in them too, as well as your husband.

If you lurk, you've probably read this before from me - IF you decide to tell your husband about this, be prepared for the full range of possible outcomes. Also, please get tested for STDs/STIs if you haven't already.

[Bittersweetie]

If you are serious about moving forward, then you need to focus on yourself, your marriage and your family. Wondering about MM, about whether he hates you and what he's doing, is just a waste of your mental energy. Yes, it's easier said than done, but keeping MM upfront in your mind will only delay healing. You made a choice to have an affair, so now you have to make the choice to move forward from it.

Once you get to a stronger place, start asking yourself the hard questions: Why did I think that these actions were okay? Why was I willing to show disrespect to my marriage, my husband, myself? What actions have I taken to make myself stronger and prevent future hurtful choices? Again, not easy questions, but ones that need to be dealt with if you plan on truly growing and making changes in yourself. Especially if you want to remain in the marriage. Good luck.

[Theeisor]

23 hours ago, mark clemson said:

The more you resolve to move on with your life, the more complete the NC, and the less you think about him, the easier this will be on you. In a few years or something you'll be in a place to "reflect" safely (if you even want to by then).

If you have children, you may not have been giving them your full attention due to preoccupation with the AP, so be sure to reinvest your time in them too, as well as your husband.

If you lurk, you've probably read this before from me - IF you decide to tell your husband about this, be prepared for the full range of possible outcomes. Also, please get tested for STDs/STIs if you haven't already.

Thank you for your reply. My goal is to have absolutely NC. I’ve tried before and the longest was 3 months. It really does get harder every time as I haven’t felt this down about it before. It’s been really affecting me. 
I’ve considered telling my H but I believe it would be for my selfish reasons. It’s when I’m feeling really crappy about things that it crosses my mind. My H and I have our history and let’s just say he’s no angel but I get it. I don’t think I could ever tell him. 

[Theeisor]

8 hours ago, Bittersweetie said:

If you are serious about moving forward, then you need to focus on yourself, your marriage and your family. Wondering about MM, about whether he hates you and what he's doing, is just a waste of your mental energy. Yes, it's easier said than done, but keeping MM upfront in your mind will only delay healing. You made a choice to have an affair, so now you have to make the choice to move forward from it.

Once you get to a stronger place, start asking yourself the hard questions: Why did I think that these actions were okay? Why was I willing to show disrespect to my marriage, my husband, myself? What actions have I taken to make myself stronger and prevent future hurtful choices? Again, not easy questions, but ones that need to be dealt with if you plan on truly growing and making changes in yourself. Especially if you want to remain in the marriage. Good luck.

Thank you. I’m doing my best to focus on myself and family and it’s been working some but I tend to have bad days and I get caught up. You’re right though, I have to stop worrying about how he’s feeling or what he’s thinking because my guess is that he isn’t worried about me in that way. Hard pill right there but I believe it’s likely true. I do ask myself the hard questions and my hope is that it takes me to a place where I feel so bad about it that I don’t feel anything romantic or sexual towards him but that’s hard and I’m unfortunately weak for him, for now. Luckily we’re a few hundred miles away and I don’t run the risk in seeing him.