My partner is overworked and tired and I feel both of us are getting affected

[agawam25]

My partner and I have been living together for about 18 months now. About three months ago she joined a company that offered her a great position and a good salary for her age/experience (she's in the mid to late-20s). Although her contract specifically states that she's to work for 40 hrs/wk, she's been staying at work much longer almost every day. Once I had to call her at 9pm to make sure she didn't fall asleep at her desk. She didn't sleep last Sunday at all - brought her computer to bed and worked all night while I was sleeping right next to her. Yesterday I managed to get one hour with her before she passed out (she was so sleepy when she arrived, I barely managed to get her to stay awake in order to eat something). Today we got maybe 2.5 hrs before she started nodding off mid-conversation. She stood me up or made me change plans for the most basic of things, like going to the supermarket once a week on more than one occasion. Even when we agree and set the time for me to pick her up to go have dinner or see a movie, she's usually 20+ minutes late coming out of the office. When she's not at work, she's constantly talking about it, or worrying about some loose end, etc.  

I'm worried sick. I tried talking to her about this on several occasions. At first it was her saying she's new and trying to get her grip on the new job (understandable). Three months in, she keeps adding hours to her day by default (the company doesn't compensate her for overtime, btw) and all of my attempts at showing her that I'm worried about what this tempo is doing to her while also making me feel lonely and unable to have a decent conversation with her on anything apart from work, let alone some quality time together, have failed so far. As a usually quite active couple sex-wise, we now mostly have sex on the weekends (even then she's sometimes exhausted). This is further exacerbating matters, because it's making me feel unwanted and unattractive. In general, the quality of our sex has gone down, as she struggles to relax when she's not tired. Like I said, we have had several very calm and amicable conversations about all of this, so it's not like she's unaware of how I feel. She keeps promising she'll do better, leave work on time, make sure we have an evening together, etc., but it simply doesn't happen the very next day.

For those wondering, she's her usual kind, loving self around me. It's not avoidance tactics, nor did I notice any change in terms of our usual dynamics. 

All of her colleagues seem to leave work on time. She's the only one staying behind, and although I appreciate her drive and desire to do well, I keep feeling more exasperated and helpless each day. Today I told her I don't want us to become our jobs, because I seriously fear that's exactly what's happening, at least in her case.

Any help on what to say or do would be more than welcome.

[Mr. Lucky]

4 hours ago, agawam25 said:

Any help on what to say or do would be more than welcome.

Two aspects to this, one legal, one emotional. 

is your GF in a salaried position where she directs others as they perform their jobs?  If not, she might unknowingly be creating a huge liability for her employer, who may owe her back pay, penalties and interest.  She doesn’t sound like an exempt employee. 
 

Emotionally, you should offer more support and less judgement.  She’s just starting her career, an exciting time. Help keep her on track and you’ll both benefit...

Mr. Lucky
 

[basil67]

This has been going on for far longer than just the three months in the new job 

 

It's time for you to accept that this is who she is.  She works hard and works long and it's unlikely to change in the medium term.   It's time for you to work out if this is what you're looking for in a partner.

 

[agawam25]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

This has been going on for far longer than just the three months in the new job 

 

It's time for you to accept that this is who she is.  She works hard and works long and it's unlikely to change in the medium term.   It's time for you to work out if this is what you're looking for in a partner.

 

You are right, to the extent that my mind has blocked out that memory completely. We actually spoke about it then and she became better at it in the following months. Her new job is less demanding, at least on paper (her former boss was draining his team of their energy with his ludicrous demands). On paper, she should be able to leave unsorted and unfinished work at the end of her work hours, bar emergencies (and I'd be an idiot to make a big deal over those).

[UCanCallMeCrazy]

When you say “her contract states 40 hours/week” is that to mean she is a contract employee?  Or is she a full time employee? (If a full time employee, then I assume she is a salaried employee ( not hourly ) and for those types of employees 40 hours is generally considered as a minimum. (45-50 hours/week may be considered typical).  Sounds like she is on the 60-70 hour/week pace.

I am guessing she is a full time employee, otherwise she would be charging the extra hours and getting additional pay.

Basically, you have described a ‘workaholic’ - most people work to live, and a few live to work.  Their whole identity is through their job, and that is where they get motivation.  They place job demands on themselves rather than being forced to work at an exhaustive pace.

I don’t know if there is a cure for this, but you should probably get her to agree to some ‘rules’ that allow her to maintain sanity and provide more ‘together’ time for you both as a couple.

[basil67]

12 hours ago, agawam25 said:

On paper, she should be able to leave unsorted and unfinished work at the end of her work hours, bar emergencies (and I'd be an idiot to make a big deal over those).

But in practical terms, she's have to return to the unfinished work the next day with new work on top of that.  One could argue that she not do extra hours and let the unfinished work pile up until the boss gets more staff....but a better approach would be to work with the boss with a goal of bringing on another staff member.   Easier said than done though.