Wife Won't Let Go

[Confused Woman]

My MM left his W 3 months ago, the first 2 months he stayed at a hotel then he moved in with me. So we’ve been living together for a month. I love being with him, but it hasn’t all been rosy. One of the major problems is the fact that his wife won’t let go. You’d think that after 3 months she’d be accepting that he’s not coming back, not the case. She is CONSTANTLY calling him and text messaging him to go back to her. Yesterday she even went so far as to come up to his job and threaten to make a big seen if he didn’t come outside and talk to her. All she did for the whole hour they talked was beg him to go back and when he said no, ask him why over and over again. She’s just not getting it at all; she’s obsessed.

 

She also keeps asking him where he lives; he refuses to tell her because he knows she’d be over at my home all the time causing trouble and wanting to fight. The other day when he left her house after visiting his kids she tried following him home. Now she’s stating that she’s going to hire a PI to follow him and find out where he lives. I can’t help but wonder why is she so desperate to find out where we live? Is she planning something? Is she capable of burning the house down? I even asked him that and he said “To be honest I don’t know”. What the #$@%! It’s so frustrating for me because I have to pretend to be understanding about the whole thing.

 

To make matters even more complicated they have 3 kids together, one of whom is just 2 years old. So they have to be in constant contact, it’s not like he can tell her to just go to “you know where” because he wants to be apart of his kids’ lives. And she uses the kids as an excuse to call him all the time and to make him feel guilty about leaving. I know the only reason he’d ever go back to her is just for his kids. He really wants joint custody. But she has said no way will her kids ever be around him and another woman. The fact that he can’t be with his kids the way he wants to is really hurting him, although I know how much he loves me. I wonder if he’ll eventually break down and go back just to be with his kids…

 

This woman has told him that she’ll contest any attempt at a divorce, that he’ll “never” get rid of her. So now with our state laws the only thing for him to do is be separated from her for two years then file a no contest divorce. Two years is a long time... How long will it take for her to stop and accept his decision to leave her?

[cherrie498]

she may never.

Thats sad that she feel so bad, it is.

She need sto move on!

As far as will he go back??!!

Mine did! He left several times & W did the same thing, she would follow us ALWAYS having pics of the kids in hand to throw in his face, she would call putting the kids on the phone (13yrs & 5) crying saying how they missed him. TRUTH was she was making them upset, what child wouldnt cry when they seen their mother flipping out like that.

My MM did go home, longest time we "lived-together" was around 3 months, he says to this day that he wishes he would have just stayed strong- thats hard to do. He still love his C.

Best thing is to just be understanding, sounds like you are.

Ignore her attempts!!!!

Dont play into them!

GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!!

[sunflower1008]

That's a tough situation to be in and I feel for you. You finally get your MM and the wife won't leave him alone!! Sounds like she has lots and lots of anger with him. She's not happy and she doesn't want him to be happy either.

 

The best thing to do is take it day by day and don't do anything rash towards her. He has the kids to consider and since she doesn't want him to get joint custody of them, she holds the keys to them. And I'm sure they are very important to him so be careful of this line you're walking.

 

I always believe to take the high ground on things. Don't get into any fights with her and don't start anything. Maybe in time, she will get tired of being in this permanent state of anger.

 

I know it's hard to be understanding of the situation, but what choice do you have? Kids are involved with her...and that means she will be involved with your MM. Talk to you MM at all times and let him know what you're thinking so he doesn't have to play any "games" with you (like she's playing with him). If he's really worth it, you two will survive. Good luck and keep posting!

[Art_Critic]

It’s so frustrating for me because I have to pretend to be understanding about the whole thing.

 

Shoot you ought to be in her shoes.. Her HUSBAND lives with you..

 

They are still married.. What is there to understand ? That her kids father and her husband live with you .. they are not divorced..

 

What you might have happen is that he would go back to her.. Remember he will lie to you about her..

 

It is her right to have a contested divorce.. Just because you stole her man doesn't mean that she isn't due some of his assets as well as a nice chunk of child support..

She is acting out.. Time will tell if she lets him go.. in the scehme of things 3 months is like a day..

Try and put yourself in her shoes.. of course if you were able to do that you would've stepped away a long time ago

[Art_Critic]

CW,

After I re-read my post I think I was somewhat too harsh..

 

Albeit the truth that I spoke It came out all wrong..

 

You need to give this whole situation more time than 30 days into living together to smooth out.. They will alway's be talking about the kids and bills and such until they get a divorce and even then they will still talk about the kids..

 

Give it time..

[lust4life]

She said she is "pretending" in this relationship. She is already hiding her feelings and they have lived together less than a month. She wants the wife to let go after 3 months! It's absurd. There is a family here not just a GUY she wants to shack up with!! Those kids will always be a part of the picture so will the wife. Getting involved with a MM isn't going to make anyones life great!

 

End the fake relationship.

[whichwayisup]

Wow, a wife who is trying to win back her husband...I don't see anything wrong with that.

 

Hey, this woman, his wife, or maybe ex wife, will ALWAYS be part of your life...FOREVER as long as you're with him. Get used to it. Those are HER children. She may not want you around their kids. Put yourself in her shoes!

Have some sympathy for her!

 

If you want to make it easier, make peace with his wife. Try to be nice but not in her face nice. She doesn't like you and why should she? I'm sure she feels if he gets custody or even 50-50 custody she will have THEIR kids living with you. I'm not a parent, but I could imagine the pain of that involved. It's one thing to lose your husband, but possibly having to share kids with OW has to be very very painful on her.

 

Plus, you don't know if he will do a 180 and go back to her. Maybe maybe maybe. Your life is a rollercoaster ride, get used to it.

 

Sorry to sound harsh but you seem so wrapped up that the wife is SCREWING YOU over, you've forgotten about little 3 pairs of eyes! OOPS I guess children can't miss their daddy with having their mom push them to tears. So, you're saying that if she hadn't done that then the kids would be fine and dandy? Not really miss him, cry for him, miss their family together? OH, yes, a child's dream is to be bounced back and forth and be happy about it.

[Leid]

Wow, a wife who is trying to win back her husband...I don't see anything wrong with that.

 

Hey, this woman, his wife, or maybe ex wife, will ALWAYS be part of your life...FOREVER as long as you're with him. Get used to it. Those are HER children. She may not want you around their kids. Put yourself in her shoes!

Have some sympathy for her!

 

If you want to make it easier, make peace with his wife. Try to be nice but not in her face nice. She doesn't like you and why should she? I'm sure she feels if he gets custody or even 50-50 custody she will have THEIR kids living with you. I'm not a parent, but I could imagine the pain of that involved. It's one thing to lose your husband, but possibly having to share kids with OW has to be very very painful on her.

 

Plus, you don't know if he will do a 180 and go back to her. Maybe maybe maybe. Your life is a rollercoaster ride, get used to it.

 

Sorry to sound harsh but you seem so wrapped up that the wife is SCREWING YOU over, you've forgotten about little 3 pairs of eyes! OOPS I guess children can't miss their daddy with having their mom push them to tears. So, you're saying that if she hadn't done that then the kids would be fine and dandy? Not really miss him, cry for him, miss their family together? OH, yes, a child's dream is to be bounced back and forth and be happy about it.

 

I think this is a bit harsh, esp. since this wife is trying to get her husband back by all means necessary.. a PI? The wife sounds like someone to stay away from, not be nice to. Lest not forget her HUSBAND refuses to come back to her. Why is that? The battle really is between him and his wife and I don't think the OW should get involved with the wife. If she chooses to let the man go or break it off, that's her choice. Also, I have a problem w/ women using their children for sympathy. Putting them on the phone to cry to their father is manipulative. This is how the children get shafted -- when one mate uses them as pawns. What mother would put her child through emotions to get through to their father? The main culprit in all this is the HUSBAND. Until HE decides what to do, the OW and the wife are in limbo. He's the only one the wife should concern herself about...

[OldEurope]

There seems to be a tad bit of bashing against this OW. She has come here for strategic advice and not a moral shakedown. Every OW "knows" she has a tough time being granted the sympathetic ear. Nonetheless, she has her side to tell and her story to live--we must allow that.

 

Several posters here immediately side with the wife. We do not know the circumstances of that marriage. We do not know if she has been a poor marriage partner, a shrew, disinterested in her husband, materially obsessed, a drag on his life. I will say that most men who are not flakes flying this way and that after women and have a modicum of reason, are neither rash nor irresponsible in such situations. Most men go through excruciating pain to end a marriage or to physically leave one--a possible first step to divorce. We have to ask what might have gone abysmally wrong in this marriage that such a step was taken.

 

The outraged pleading, the stalking, the threats, the obsessing for someone back is not love. It is fear, it is a sense of a loss of control over someone, it is dangerous co-dependency. But it is not love. True love would hold back, stomach the loss, but want the other person to be happy--and that could mean that other person's being with someone else.

 

There are three children. They are young; that is very serious. However, to say that one should remain in a marriage just because there are children is highly debatable. If these children grow up in an atmosphere of hostility, coldness, irritated parents, and an all over "fake" playing-of-house, I cannot imagine that is good for their emotional development either.

 

As for the problem at hand, this man has--for now, as far as we can see--chosen to be with this OW. He has chosen her. I am assuming much time and trouble went into this consideration and decision. ConfusedWoman(indeed!) has an emotional investment, and she wants to protect that. Whether it is "shacking up", whether it is wise or foolish, whether this is short or long term, she is going with love, and she is going with the big risk involved (that risk, as I see it, the H's concern for the kids). She has a right to fight for that as well.

 

To Confused Woman--What I would do is not hide, or sit back in fear and anxiety. I would not for a minute let this escalate into some creepy horror flick when you do not know when she will fly off the handle or greet you at the door. Take charge of this nonsense, and show you are not intimidated.

 

I would absolutely confront the wife, in a public place, or by phone. Let the private detectives sit around and spook about. That is her waste of money, not yours. Be well dressed, be low key, and calmly, in an adult and unexcited tone, tell her, that you will not accept this kind of behavior as a disruption to your life. That if she is upset, angry or vindictive, that is something she must work out with her "husband" or ex husband away from your home, your life, your peace of mind (to the extent you have one at this time). Tell her you understand emotions are raw, that children are involved but that does NOT EXCUSE acting like a lunatic. And if it so must be, you will file for a restraining order.

 

How your MM responds to this action you take--action that is for YOUR self respect and to protect YOUR love and relation with this man--will say a lot. If he tells you not to, if he protests--that is a red flag. He should support your firmness. His concern for you should come before his sympathies for her.

 

She is desperate. Do not respond with desperateness. Do not feed this beast.

[lynnered]

What OldEurope said 100%

OldEurope U have class

[OldEurope]

Thanks Lynn!

 

I think Confused Woman is confused enough, I mean!

[lynnered]

when i read this earlier i was very upset by the replies,i was kind of angry so i didnt post.

But U said pretty much how i felt about the situation plus put everyone in there place:love:

[newbby]

there are some wives who do use the children as manipulation and do actually make the children more upset as a ploy to get at the h. i am sure they dont realise what they are doing is selfish at the time and are acting in desperation too, and it is understandable that she is hurt. still, it is not the ow that caused her that. if the h decided to leave then the marriage was not working for him.

[RecordProducer]

Well it's really a tough situation for her; he left her with 3 kids out of which one is really small. She doesn't even know why and where he is living right now. She has no clue that he's been with another woman and has cheated on her before. So what did you expect?

 

It would be the best if he told her the truth - that he loves another woman. She might let him go then. Plus it's not fair that she doesn't know where he lives, he is the father of her 3 children, after all.

 

If she would set the house in fire, she would go to jail. No matter how desperate she is, she is most likely not an idiot. Many women can't let go, but he needs to act like an adult, not hide his life from her and his children.

 

You will deal with a lot of problems in the future. I hope other women will learn from your example not to fall for married men with children. It would've been different if he divorced her first, everything calmed down and then met another woman - you. But you have to continue to live in a lie, because you started like that.

 

Don't forget he not only left his wife, but also his 3 children. Was their relationship fantastic 3 years ago when they made the last child? It's not like they were married for 20 years and their kids are teenagers. He was obviously fooling her that he loved her so now she can't understand what's going on. It sounds like their marriage didn't die naturally. He broke it out of the blue. Or did it die when you came in the picture?

 

Nothing obsessive with the PI idea; she needs answers and she deserves them after giving him 3 kids.

[reddog63]

There seems to be a tad bit of bashing against this OW. She has come here for strategic advice and not a moral shakedown. Every OW "knows" she has a tough time being granted the sympathetic ear. Nonetheless, she has her side to tell and her story to live--we must allow that.

 

Several posters here immediately side with the wife. We do not know the circumstances of that marriage. We do not know if she has been a poor marriage partner, a shrew, disinterested in her husband, materially obsessed, a drag on his life. I will say that most men who are not flakes flying this way and that after women and have a modicum of reason, are neither rash nor irresponsible in such situations. Most men go through excruciating pain to end a marriage or to physically leave one--a possible first step to divorce. We have to ask what might have gone abysmally wrong in this marriage that such a step was taken.

 

The outraged pleading, the stalking, the threats, the obsessing for someone back is not love. It is fear, it is a sense of a loss of control over someone, it is dangerous co-dependency. But it is not love. True love would hold back, stomach the loss, but want the other person to be happy--and that could mean that other person's being with someone else.

 

There are three children. They are young; that is very serious. However, to say that one should remain in a marriage just because there are children is highly debatable. If these children grow up in an atmosphere of hostility, coldness, irritated parents, and an all over "fake" playing-of-house, I cannot imagine that is good for their emotional development either.

 

As for the problem at hand, this man has--for now, as far as we can see--chosen to be with this OW. He has chosen her. I am assuming much time and trouble went into this consideration and decision. ConfusedWoman(indeed!) has an emotional investment, and she wants to protect that. Whether it is "shacking up", whether it is wise or foolish, whether this is short or long term, she is going with love, and she is going with the big risk involved (that risk, as I see it, the H's concern for the kids). She has a right to fight for that as well.

 

To Confused Woman--What I would do is not hide, or sit back in fear and anxiety. I would not for a minute let this escalate into some creepy horror flick when you do not know when she will fly off the handle or greet you at the door. Take charge of this nonsense, and show you are not intimidated.

 

I would absolutely confront the wife, in a public place, or by phone. Let the private detectives sit around and spook about. That is her waste of money, not yours. Be well dressed, be low key, and calmly, in an adult and unexcited tone, tell her, that you will not accept this kind of behavior as a disruption to your life. That if she is upset, angry or vindictive, that is something she must work out with her "husband" or ex husband away from your home, your life, your peace of mind (to the extent you have one at this time). Tell her you understand emotions are raw, that children are involved but that does NOT EXCUSE acting like a lunatic. And if it so must be, you will file for a restraining order.

 

How your MM responds to this action you take--action that is for YOUR self respect and to protect YOUR love and relation with this man--will say a lot. If he tells you not to, if he protests--that is a red flag. He should support your firmness. His concern for you should come before his sympathies for her.

 

She is desperate. Do not respond with desperateness. Do not feed this beast.

 

 

Lets get this straight............the OW is living with this married man that has 3 children who has been out of the home for 3 months. And you think people are being a "Tad" harsh??? And you think this OW should confront the wife????? Ohhhh, yea.........and the kids........they will adjust....sure. Then you assume their must be hostility in household so they would be better off.

 

And I am not trying to be harsh with you. But it sounds like you have been in the OW's shoes before.

[newbby]

you are coming from a completely different angle then.

you assume that the ow's feelings are of no importance too.

i very much doubt that the ow you got involved with felt like these are the facts, he is married, it is just a bit of fun. it may have been to you, i doubt it was to them.

[tonyp56]

Let me give you some ideas, after being with my wife for 11 years (almost 7 married) and her leaving me for someone else about a month ago, it HURTS, beyond belief. Especially considering she tells me I meant nothing to her, that she was never attracted to me, blah, blah ... Now he is living with her, and my three kids, I get to see the kids on the weekends, but he gets to be with them all week long, it drives me crazy. I quit fighting her because I want to be in my kids lives, and if that means giving up the only women I ever loved, then I will, but it is very hard not to say anything, it is hard not beg her to come back. Anyways, put yourself in your MM's wife's shoe's, pretend for five minutes that you've been with this man for more than however long you have been with him, now pretend someone else came in and he left you for them. How would you feel, would you really be able to let him go in 3 months? Now add to that you've got kids with this person, and you want it to work out for the kids, and it drives you crazy that when he has the kids, so does his live in.

 

Simply, you will have to put yourself in her shoes, and until you do, you won't realize what you've done. You've destroyed her family, rather or not that was your intention, doesn't matter; to her you've destroyed her family. You've ripped her love, her partner, her companion, her co-parent, friend, etc. from her. Even if you met him after he left her, she is still going to have a problem with him being with you, she is still going to blame you for the breakup. Because she still isn't over him, she spent x-amount of years with him; it is going to take years to get over him. I can say, after being with my wife for more than ten years, and not knowing that she was so unhappy until about six months ago, and trying to make it up to her only to find out she was having an affair, to which I forgave her for, only to have her leave me in the end has destroyed my heart. I still don't know if she will come back, my brain tells me she’s gone, but my heart still hopes. That is human nature; simply put yourself in her situation and you will know. Right now, you are in the honeymoon phase of the relationship with your MM, you don't see all the hurt that you are causing, there will, however, come a day that you will see what you've done. And you will understand why his wife wouldn't let go.

 

Sorry so blunt, but sometimes we need to be told how it is.

[lilmoma1973]

Sorry that happened to you Tony:( I have to agree with you too.. You don't know what the other persons feeling are till you have walked in their shoes and i am sorry to hear but karma will get you everytime .. You can't treat poeple like crap and expect good things to come to you in fact it will be just the oppostie and he will probably hurt you as he did his s/o ...Tony been where you are and h came back be patient if you are meant to be she will be back if not she never was ... Good Luck

[newbby]

nobody says the wife does not deserve sympathy. the ow however did not cause the womans pain, even if the wife does see it that way.

[Art_Critic]

nobody says the wife does not deserve sympathy. the ow however did not cause the womans pain, even if the wife does see it that way.

 

Newbby.. you are correct.. to a point.. But the OW does cause some of the pain. But she isn't responsible for how the wife acts.. The wife is..

 

What concerns me most about the OP words is the selfish view that she has.

She shows no concern for the kids.. In the event of a divorce and a marriage she would be those kids step mother.

 

She would have to work with the wife on a totally different playing field then.

In fact she would be talking to the wife on the phone..and discussing the kids with her..

 

I don't think this OW is capable of doing that.

[newbby]

i dont see how you got the impression she doesnt care about his kids. in this post she was primarily expressing concern about the wife being out of control.

the kids is another issue and she has not discussed this in any of her posts, she said she understood he was hurting because of his kids.

[whichwayisup]

What concerns me most about the OP words is the selfish view that she has.

She shows no concern for the kids.. In the event of a divorce and a marriage she would be those kids step mother.

 

Exactly!

 

She has to know that if this relationship works out, the kids are a package deal. She has to be a stepmom to his kids when that time comes.

 

You better start thinking out of the box and see the whole picture. It's not just about you.

[whichwayisup]

i dont see how you got the impression she doesnt care about his kids. in this post she was primarily expressing concern about the wife being out of control.

the kids is another issue and she has not discussed this in any of her posts, she said she understood he was hurting because of his kids.

 

Well, maybe she can do the unselfish thing and back off abit, let him spend time with his kids. Stop thinking of herself and what she is feeling...Yeah, she feels bad because he misses his children, but she really doesn't get his pain and the guilt he's feeling by walking out on his family.

[newbby]

whichwayisup, your posts indicate that you are responding with an ingrained belief that the ow is always a selfish person, and are not actually based on anything the ow has said.

[Art_Critic]

whichwayisup, your posts indicate that you are responding with an ingrained belief that the ow is always a selfish person, and are not actually based on anything the ow has said.

 

Newbby.. If you look at the OP's post it is written in a VERY selfish manner.

 

Not hard to see unless you don't want to see it..

 

They have only lived together 30 days.. and she wants her to leave them alone..

She has yet to realize that she just bought the whole package and she is bitching about what she bought after less than a month..

 

She even says it could take years to get divorced..She clearly is not prepared for the longhaul and shows to me that she is not stepmother material.

 

Come on.. unrealistic and selfish.