I really don't know how to deal with this situation!

[Elena94]

Hello! I apologize in advance for the long question!  😅 So I am 25 years old and I met this guy (28 years old) online 4 months ago and at first we just chatted normally once or twice a week.. Slowly we started chatting more often and after a month of more personal communication he disappeared. He came back 15 days later with an acceptable excuse (he had joined the army and didn't have a cell phone) and he proposed that we finally meet. So we met and it was like we've known each other for years, the moment we saw each other we knew we liked each other. We ended up kissing and then he left again because of the army.. Another month passed with almost daily communication and then he came back in the city for good (he was still in the army).

We met two times in his house because we both really wanted to be alone but we hanged out like best friends, we chatted, we listened to our favorite music, we opened up about our lives and we were really intimate. I was a little concerned about the fact that we didn't have a normal date after he returned but our schedules were totally opposite so I didn't want to force anything. I really felt we had something growing slowly but in a good base; we wanted to know each other not just spend our time. Our last time together we came close (I have to admit at this point that it was my first time and I hadn't told him because I didn't feel like telling him at that moment; but he realised it and didn't make an issue he was really nice and caring) and after we finished he seemed a little skeptical.. I wanted to start a conversation about me being a virgin (the reasons; why I didn't tell him etc) and maybe about this thing between us (we never discussed openly about it) but his attitude kinda blocked me, he started talking about other stuff and didn't leave any room for me to start talking. After some time he told me he wanted me to stay there (he was kinda sure I would stay) but I couldn't because of personal reasons and we had a small fight.. He insisted a lot that I stayed and didn't seem to understand my reasons but in the end he accepted it because I really couldn't stay. After that he made some compliments about my appearance and before I got into the taxi we were kissing and cuddling.

After that day he started becoming more and more distant and after 2 days he didn't reply to my message. I texted him again a week later and he replied that he was really down, he had psychological issues (I already knew about them) and he told me I couldn't help so he shutted me down. I tried to change the subject and tell him to meet but again he didn't relpy. I was really frustrated; all of a sudden he stopped communicating but without telling me something specific. Everything was very unclear to me, he didn't talk or said that something bothered him so I made one last move after 10 days.. I just asked how he was and I wished him a happy new year. He replied after 4 days telling me he was sorry about the late reply, wishing me also a happy new year and saying that he still wasn't feeling ok and he was kinda lost. I said to him that this was clear (the fact that he was lost) and I honestly wished him to get better at some point. We hadn't talked since then and I really want to know what happened, why he behaved like that all of a sudden. He never came clear about anything but we still have each other on social media. I was really feeling that he liked me a lot and I kinda want to short things out because even after all this situation I like him a lot and I believe he's worth it (even if he is not I really want him; it's the first time I'm feeling this way about someone and I want to try everything).  

What can I do? Any suggestion is appreciated. 🙂

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

This is merely a vibe...  and more near to a stab in the dark (in the way of a guess):

But given the amount of detail you offered, it feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeels as if there (was probably "always" ) another woman involved, and whether things went bad between him and that other woman for a time, I do not know.

 

OF MUCH GREATER IMPORTANCE is that you need to treat yourself fairly  even if my suspicions are correct as written just now.

 

****************

WHOA - I just wrote a lot of stuff and then re-read your post, and FINALLY perceived/understood that you did NOT in fact share your virginity with him... even though you began by saying that you "came close"... and then used the word  "finished".

****************

I WISH I could somehow show you what I had written while thinking that you had indeed just shared your V-card with a guy who then disappeared  (withOUT leaving it here on LS)

 

Because some of it would still be useful in your needing to look forward toward the next person without knocking yourself for having been understandably drawn toward all of those feelings, and then assessing the individual you met, and in time feeling comfortable enough to share sexual intimacy.

 

So this is much like being at a shopping mall...       you walk in the door, not knowing where to go...  and suddenly you look over there, and the sign says:  "You are HERE"

Your most important concerns are how/where to evolve from this point forward.  How you came to be here is no fault of your own, but just keep reminding yourself that every path toward food courts, and shopping... and blood-pressure checks in the center of the mall... and the enclosed hockey rink (if your mall has one)...  begins right here.

 

 

The future is still up to you, with regard to your own OUTLOOK and attitude going forward.

[CAPITAL CROOK]

You want him because he has made himself unavailable to you.

Maybe, maybe not, but I think you may have crossed paths with the famed "Player". Don't sleep with him again, let him sit on it a bit and see it evolves past something sexual.

The guys you want to keep, you need to make wait for sex, just giving yourself to them is not the answer and i'm not saying you did just give yourself to him, but I am saying, in the future, a little bit of time is going to be important... Men who can just sleep with you, they will not respect you as much.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS...

Is this guy kind of an anomaly for you or do you run into this fairly often?

Why do you want to know what happened with him? Perhaps that feeds back into the first question.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I wouldn't contact him again. If he's at all interested in you, he'll contact you at some point. If you contact him again you'll just push him further away. There are most likely reasons he's not in touch that he's not sharing with you but it doesn't matter what they are. Mainly he just doesn't want to communicate right now is all you need to know. I'd try to move on to other people. Most of us meet people we like that it just doesn't work out with for one reason or another.

[schlumpy]

I think the romantic fantasy doesn't live up to the pragmatic reality. He's gone all the time and you are alone. Tell him to write when he's feeling better but that you won't be waiting around.

[Elena94]

12 hours ago, CAPITAL CROOK said:

You want him because he has made himself unavailable to you.

Maybe, maybe not, but I think you may have crossed paths with the famed "Player". Don't sleep with him again, let him sit on it a bit and see it evolves past something sexual.

The guys you want to keep, you need to make wait for sex, just giving yourself to them is not the answer and i'm not saying you did just give yourself to him, but I am saying, in the future, a little bit of time is going to be important... Men who can just sleep with you, they will not respect you as much.

Thanks for your reply! Yeah maybe you are right about him being a player (since I met him online), but I don't think having sex after 3 months that we've been talking and meeting is that soon.. But again I can't be sure how he thinks on this topic, maybe for him it was fast considering it was my first time and he didn't know about it.. Anyway thanks again for your comment, I appreciate it! 🙂

[Elena94]

2 hours ago, schlumpy said:

I think the romantic fantasy doesn't live up to the pragmatic reality. He's gone all the time and you are alone. Tell him to write when he's feeling better but that you won't be waiting around.

Yes you are absolutely right, I was expecting things based on some facts but the reality is much different... Thank you for your reply! 🙂

[Elena94]

10 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

I wouldn't contact him again. If he's at all interested in you, he'll contact you at some point. If you contact him again you'll just push him further away. There are most likely reasons he's not in touch that he's not sharing with you but it doesn't matter what they are. Mainly he just doesn't want to communicate right now is all you need to know. I'd try to move on to other people. Most of us meet people we like that it just doesn't work out with for one reason or another.

Yes everybody tells me to not try keep in contact since he showed he doesn't want communication for now.. But he makes it kinda hard for me because he likes my posts on facebook here and there or watches my stories.. I mean if he wants to cut off the ties why is he showing even the slightest amount of interest right now? I'm trying to live my life as I did before I met him and I can say I am fine but since everything is so unclear it's a bit difficult to move on to other people.. I guess with time it'l become easier. Thanks for your reply! 🙂

[Beachead]

Hey Elena94,

It's hard to tell what exactly happened but in times like this, what I'd do is I'd focus on his actions.   A person interested in a relationship, will always do what's necessary to progress it forward because they value what you bring and they see some kind of future with you.  They want to realize that future with you so they don't typically do things to jeopardize things. 

Although things started off nicely, you felt the breaks being pumped after that night.  He didn't owe you much of an explanation besides "psychological issues" which leaves you in the dark.  That's not forward momentum.   Being your heart is involved in this as well,  your confusion and hurt is justified.  You may want to consider if this is how he deals with his problems (Shutting you out), then this might be how he deals with them in a relationship.  In something like that, where your heart will be invested far more deeply, you can be in for a world of hurt.

Don't push further.  If you do, he'll only distance more.   If he wants to talk to you, he'll contact you. 

I would give him a reasonable timeline of 2-3 months; just enough to give him the benefit of the doubt and not lose your mind over this.  If you don't hear from him again, don't bother with him ever.  Block and delete him off of your social media at this point as well.  Keeping a person your interested in, who has hurt you, will adversely affect your mental health.  Now, in the event he does contact you within the 2-3 months,  give him another chance if you wish but if you find yourself being shut out again..then I would cut him off completely and block him off of social media.

Stay strong

- Beach

Edited January 23, 2020 by Beachead

[Elena94]

11 hours ago, carhill said:

Welcome to LS...

Is this guy kind of an anomaly for you or do you run into this fairly often?

Why do you want to know what happened with him? Perhaps that feeds back into the first question.

Hello, it's nice to be here! 

Well I don't have much experience with reationships, I had other priorities till now so I haven't dated much... However I can say with certainty it's the first time I encounter something like this. You know, a situation that gives a positive vibe and escalates well and all of a sudden it becomes frozen and unclear. 

I think I want to know what happened because I can't understand and cope with this kind of attitude.. If something happened I want to know so I can process it and accept it. Not knowing makes it really difficult for me to move on and I keep thinking every little detail of our "thing"... Untfortunately I still like him so there is always in my mind the question "Is there something I can do to make it work?".. And he doesn't make anything clear, he doesn't communicate but he likes my posts; watches my stories etc.. So It's even more buffling right now!

Sorry for the long comment, I appreciate your reply 😃

[Elena94]

21 minutes ago, Beachead said:

Hey Elena94,

It's hard to tell what exactly happened but in times like this, what I'd do is I'd focus on his actions.   A person interested in a relationship, will always do what's necessary to progress it forward because they value what you bring and they see some kind of future with you.  They want to realize that future with you so they don't typically do things to jeopardize things. 

Although things started off nicely, you felt the breaks being pumped after that night.  He didn't owe you much of an explanation besides "psychological issues" which leaves you in the dark.  That's not forward momentum.   Being your heart is involved in this as well,  your confusion and hurt is justified.  You may want to consider if this is how he deals with his problems (Shutting you out), then this might be how he deals with them in a relationship.  In something like that, where your heart will be invested far more deeply, you can be in for a world of hurt.

Don't push further.  If you do, he'll only distance more.   If he wants to talk to you, he'll contact you. 

I would give him a reasonable timeline of 2-3 months; just enough to give him the benefit of the doubt and not lose your mind over this.  If you don't hear from him again, don't bother with him ever.  Block and delete him off of your social media at this point as well.  Keeping a person your interested in, who has hurt you, will adversely affect your mental health.  Now, in the event he does contact you within the 2-3 months,  give him another chance if you wish but if you find yourself being shut out again..then I would cut him off completely and block him off of social media.

Stay strong

- Beach

Hello Beachead, 

thank you very much for your time!

I think this is exactly what I would advise a friend of mine to do if he/she had this kind of situation but now I understand that it is so much different when I am involved. I hope you get what I'm saying.. It's difficult focusing on the logical side when feelings are involved and I don't have much experience to help me deal with it.

However, for now I'm trying to live my life as I did before I met him and I'm not planning on texting him again since he's acting so distant; my ego doesn't allow this. Maybe he has indeed this way to deal with stuff (shutting people out) and I really have to consider it if he shows up again (I haven't thought about it this way; thank you for that). I think I will wait for an amount of time because I'd really want to at least have a conversation with him.

The only thing that buffles me right now is that even after our last conversation he still watches what I'm doing online; he likes my posts on facebook and occasionally watches my stories.. I can't find an explanation about this since he's acting so cold right now and it makes me go back and forth instead of focusing on other stuff.

Thanks again for your reply!

Edited January 23, 2020 by Elena94

[Beachead]

Hi Elena94,

Quote

I hope you get what I'm saying.. It's difficult focusing on the logical side when feelings are involved and I don't have much experience to help me deal with it.

Definitely get that.  Sometimes, its harder to apply advice to ourselves than it is to give it.  We are our own worst enemy sometimes.

Quote

The only thing that buffles me right now is that even after our last conversation he still watches what I'm doing online; he likes my posts on facebook and occasionally watches my stories.. I can't find an explanation about this since he's acting so cold right now and it makes me go back and forth instead of focusing on other stuff.

Your heart is on the line to a degree, so your vulnerable at the moment and Social Media hs a way really playing into that and driving the anxiety up.  When the anxiety goes up, your attention is on that and less on your own life; The likes, the activity, the pictures with people you don't know, the status updates etc.  I know how it feels.   From a vulnerable state, your mind can feed you all kinds of stories about what they must be thinking and doing in those moments. 

I wouldn't use his social media habits as a basis to evaluate his behaviour.  Its a not a very accurate measure for how a person feels or what their life is like.  His liking your photos or watching your stories could mean anything.  Who's to say he's not doing the same with others online?  People mindlessly browse through stories and like things all the time..sometimes because they're just bored.    What matters is if he makes an actual effort to message, call or meet up with you.   Human contact and face to face interaction is what you want because that's real.

If you find that his activity is bothering you to the point where you can't think about anything else and it is affecting other parts of your life, then I would suggest you unfriend/unfollow or even block him.  If he contacts you and he's upset about it, you don't owe him an explanation..but if you wish to give him one, then tell him the truth.  That you two had a good time, and then he disappeared, it hurt you and you have to move forward with your life at some point.  It's perfectly reasonable and understandable.  See how he reacts to that and we can work out how to deal with it on here.   If he doesn't contact you..then well, you know you did the right thing.

Edited January 23, 2020 by Beachead

[Elena94]

44 minutes ago, Beachead said:

Hi Elena94,

Definitely get that.  Sometimes, its harder to apply advice to ourselves than it is to give it.  We are our own worst enemy sometimes.

Your heart is on the line to a degree, so your vulnerable at the moment and Social Media hs a way really playing into that and driving the anxiety up.  When the anxiety goes up, your attention is on that and less on your own life; The likes, the activity, the pictures with people you don't know, the status updates etc.  I know how it feels.   From a vulnerable state, your mind can feed you all kinds of stories about what they must be thinking and doing in those moments. 

I wouldn't use his social media habits as a basis to evaluate his behaviour.  Its a not a very accurate measure for how a person feels or what their life is like.  His liking your photos or watching your stories could mean anything.  Who's to say he's not doing the same with others online?  People mindlessly browse through stories and like things all the time..sometimes because they're just bored.    What matters is if he makes an actual effort to message, call or meet up with you.   Human contact and face to face interaction is what you want because that's real.

If you find that his activity is bothering you to the point where you can't think about anything else and it is affecting other parts of your life, then I would suggest you unfriend/unfollow or even block him.  If he contacts you and he's upset about it, you don't owe him an explanation..but if you wish to give him one, then tell him the truth.  That you two had a good time, and then he disappeared, it hurt you and you have to move forward with your life at some point.  It's perfectly reasonable and understandable.  See how he reacts to that and we can work out how to deal with it on here.   If he doesn't contact you..then well, you know you did the right thing.

After reading this I came to the conclusion that I'm overthinking and because of my need to explain the situation; I take into consideration every little (and probably meaningless) detail. If this thing continues and I realize it affects me in a way that holds me back I will take your advise and unfriend him. Maybe this way I can find peace and even "make" him finally contact me..Of course I would prefer it if he texted me before that; but I can't expect much at this point. I hope that at least we can have a conversation that will make things clear. This is very important for me to be able to move on if he's not interested after all; but again if it doesn't happen (to make things clear); I will have to finally find a way to deal with it even if it hurts.

Again; I really appreciate you took the time to reply!

[Beachead]

@Elena94

You're most welcome..though I know what I say may be difficult to read.  Sometimes it can come off as blunt.  I've been through many situations like this myself.  Met people and got close to them and suddenly they just pulled away with a vague explanation.  Some of them would say "Everything's fine" but would continue to stay away.  Some would just ghost me.  I know how it feels.

Quote

I hope that at least we can have a conversation that will make things clear. This is very important for me to be able to move on if he's not interested after all; but again if it doesn't happen (to make things clear); I will have to finally find a way to deal with it even if it hurts.

So, he may come back and you may have that conversation you hope for..but just incase he doesn't, you should know his silence is an answer as well..rather a very clear one, as it is a choice to stay away despite what you two shared together and knowing how you feel about him.   And if that happens,  take it like this: 

In that short period of time of meeting him and getting to know him, you gave your best.  There was no way for you to do anything differently or be anyone else but who you were at that time, so don't look back and blame yourself.  It doesn't mean you're not enough.  There are many external factors that play into why people do what they do.  It can be their past and the way they choose to deal with the baggage.  It could how they feel about themselves.  Could be an past relationship experiences.  Could be social influences from family and friends.  Could be life stress.  etc etc etc.  Many of these factors are out of your control but nonetheless, affect his decisions..so its not all on you or about you.  He is not the world and he is not the end-all, be-all.  You survived and thrived in your 25 years thus far without him and you will continue as such.   If what you two shared up to now wasn't enough for him to consider continuing with you, then that is what was always going to happen, and you're better off being with someone who values what you bring to the table..which you will find.  You just have to continue focusing on things that enrich and fulfill your spirit and take care of the people that make you feel loved.  Taking care of yourself and getting to know yourself is mandatory for choosing the right people and things in your life.  Things happen has they are meant to.

Stay strong and best of luck to you

- Beach

Edited January 23, 2020 by Beachead

[Elena94]

17 minutes ago, Beachead said:

@Elena94

You're most welcome..though I know what I say may be difficult to read.  Sometimes it can come off as blunt.  I've been through many situations like this myself.  Met people and got close to them and suddenly they just pulled away with a vague explanation.  Some of them would say "Everything's fine" but would continue to stay away.  Some would just ghost me.  I know how it feels.

So, he may come back and you may have that conversation you hope for..but just incase he doesn't, you should know his silence is an answer as well..rather a very clear one, as it is a choice to stay away despite what you two shared together and knowing how you feel about him.   And if that happens,  take it like this: 

In that short period of time of meeting him and getting to know him, you gave your best.  There was no way for you to do anything differently or be anyone else but who you were at that time, so don't look back and blame yourself.  It doesn't mean you're not enough.  There are many external factors that play into why people do what they do.  It can be their past and the way they choose to deal with the baggage.  It could how they feel about themselves.  Could be an past relationship experiences.  Could be social influences from family and friends.  Could be life stress.  etc etc etc.  Many of these factors are out of your control but nonetheless, affect his decisions..so its not all on you or about you.  He is not the world and he is not the end-all, be-all.  You survived and thrived in your 25 years thus far without him and you will continue as such.   If what you two shared up to now wasn't enough for him to consider continuing with you, then that is what was always going to happen, and you're better off being with someone who values what you bring to the table..which you will find.  You just have to continue focusing on things that enrich and fulfill your spirit and take care of the people that make you feel loved.  Taking care of yourself and getting to know yourself is mandatory for choosing the right people and things in your life.  Things happen has they are meant to.

Stay strong and best of luck to you

- Beach

I think that kind of attitude is the worst. Sharing things with another person; opening up; wanting to build something with them (and at first it is mutual); and all of a sudden getting blocked from their lives without a descent explanation or an obvious reason. In my 25 years and my little experience in dating it's the first time that something like that is happening to me and maybe that's the main reason I got so frustrated and kind of "desperate" about explaining it. It became almost an obsession at some point because I really like this guy. But as the days passed and I put my logic on top it became a little bit easier.

"Untfortunately" I am a really straightforward person in every aspect of my life so it bothers me a lot that he didn't even gave me the chance to talk to him (he stopped replying when he felt "pressure"). But again if that's the way he is in general I will have to accept it at some point. As you said no reply is a very clear answer even if it's not something I appreciate; it shows no respect. In addition the fact that he doesn't seem to want something from me but still he doesn't cut off all the ties is even more frustrating because it feels like I'm hanging in between the thing we had and moving on. So maybe I should be the one to cut off the ties. Either he will finally contact me to ask why (and have the conversation I want); or it will end for good. At least I will know for sure! 

As for your reccomended way of thinking in case we don't talk; I will try to see things this way because it's very positive and will allow me to accept the situation and be open for something new! Thank you very much for puting things in this perspective (that it's not my fault that he pulled away all of a sudden); it really helped me clear my thoughts and not losing my confidence!

 

[spiderowl]

I seem to be the only cynical person replying here but I noticed that you did not go as far as giving your virginity to this guy.  He then wanted you to stay over (presumably for the night?) and you said you had to go.  He tried to persuade you but still you left.  My guess would be that he was hoping for sex with you and he felt that's what you were turning down.  There is nothing wrong in what you did - I feel it is best not to give yourself too quickly because, as other posters have said, guys do not necessarily respect you if you do.  Their whole instinct is to aim for sex and if they get it quickly well, where do they go from there?  It kind of throws people off course when they get intimacy without really knowing you well.

He is still trying to get your attention because he is liking things you do.  He must be aware that you want to see him.  He could be a player, using this withdrawal of himself to try to draw you out into doing more to get his attention - but if so he doesn't really know how to play games.  It sounds like he has withdrawn, offended maybe, who knows?  Whatever is going on, if he is not seeking you out and respectfully asking you on dates, then there is no point investing your energy and heart in him.  Whatever problems he has, he is not able to see you as helping the situation, which means he would withdraw every time he felt like this.  That would not be a very satisfactory kind of relationship for you.

I would be tempted to block him on social media just so he could not wind me up with 'likes' and so on.  It is irritating to say the least.  Protect your heart and do not chase this guy.  Leave him to make some definite move to be with you and in the meantime carry on with your life and date others.  There is no point waiting for someone who is not taking action to spend time with you.

 

 

[Elena94]

On 1/30/2020 at 2:32 AM, spiderowl said:

I seem to be the only cynical person replying here but I noticed that you did not go as far as giving your virginity to this guy.  He then wanted you to stay over (presumably for the night?) and you said you had to go.  He tried to persuade you but still you left.  My guess would be that he was hoping for sex with you and he felt that's what you were turning down.  There is nothing wrong in what you did - I feel it is best not to give yourself too quickly because, as other posters have said, guys do not necessarily respect you if you do.  Their whole instinct is to aim for sex and if they get it quickly well, where do they go from there?  It kind of throws people off course when they get intimacy without really knowing you well.

He is still trying to get your attention because he is liking things you do.  He must be aware that you want to see him.  He could be a player, using this withdrawal of himself to try to draw you out into doing more to get his attention - but if so he doesn't really know how to play games.  It sounds like he has withdrawn, offended maybe, who knows?  Whatever is going on, if he is not seeking you out and respectfully asking you on dates, then there is no point investing your energy and heart in him.  Whatever problems he has, he is not able to see you as helping the situation, which means he would withdraw every time he felt like this.  That would not be a very satisfactory kind of relationship for you.

I would be tempted to block him on social media just so he could not wind me up with 'likes' and so on.  It is irritating to say the least.  Protect your heart and do not chase this guy.  Leave him to make some definite move to be with you and in the meantime carry on with your life and date others.  There is no point waiting for someone who is not taking action to spend time with you.

 

 

Thank you very much for your reply! It seems it wasn't clear after all.. We did had sex but he realized at that moment that I was a virgin. I hadn't told him beforehand. So everything that happened after that night is even more upsetting for me unfortunately.. I realize that this fact may be a big reason for his behavior because maybe it was too soon to get that intimate.. But to be honest I don't regret it at all; I was sincere with myself since I wanted him that much and I didn't want to "back off".. In addition we knew each other for 3 months; I believe that's a sufficient amount of time to get to know the other person at least in a basic level. 

As for the rest I am still bothered by his unexplained disappearance and all the excuses he told me but I don't expect something from him neither do I "wait".. I continue with my regular life and I'm trying to have fun and stay positive. Nonetheless I came to the realization that I have feelings for him and I kinda miss him which is the hardest part.. I haven't blocked him yet but I'm not using my social media that much lately so it's not that bothering..

[manfrombelow2]

When somebody, for whatever reasons, starts to keep distance from you by not replying your texts (or taking forever to reply your texts - same thing), that means only one thing: That somebody is no longer interested in you and no longer wants anything to do with you.

The solution? You have to accept that and move on.

Afterall, nobody owes you a relationship, and vice versa.

[d0nnivain]

Oh gosh.  My heart breaks for you Elena94.  this was a trainwreck from the start but nobody is picking up on all the red flags. 

1.  You are inexperienced & naïve.  That makes you the perfect candidate to be exploited & you were.  You just didn't know it. 

2.  Connecting on line then talking for a month before meeting was bad.  Men are in a hurry to meet.  This drawn out back & forth was you being something for him to do when he was bored.  You unfortunately developed a false sense of intimacy. 

3.  Him disappearing for 15 days was horrible.   You should have written him off at that point.  The idea that you believed him when he said he joined the army & didn't have a phone is ridiculous.  If he was planning to join the army he would have talked about it.  He didn't.  You don't go in the military for 2 weeks.  Boot camp alone is 6 weeks.  You also don't get to come back in a few weeks.  You are in for 2 - 4 years.   He LIED to you about his military service. 

4.  the dates in his house rather then proper dates were him being lazy & not valuing you.  It wasn't about the ability to talk quietly.  It was about the proximity to his bedroom.  Unless you are DTF stay out of a new man's apartment & don't have him into your place.  Especially in the beginning command respect & effort.  He wanted to get laid.  He was a player pure & simple who told a gullible young woman what she wanted to hear in order to get into her pants.  3 months wasn't too fast for him.  It was too slow. 

5.  Once he realized you were a virgin he freaked & couldn't get away from you fast enough.  It was loving & intimate to you but to him it was just another notch on his bedpost.  He wanted nothing to do with being your 1st because he's terrified that you developed feelings & you saw this as so much more serious then he did.  You were something to play with when he was bored & you didn't require a lot of effort.  It breaks my heart for you that you gave up your virginity so quickly to an undeserving man who didn't cherish the gift you offered.  

 

Get him off your social media & don't look back.  

[Elena94]

On 2/6/2020 at 3:00 PM, d0nnivain said:

Oh gosh.  My heart breaks for you Elena94.  this was a trainwreck from the start but nobody is picking up on all the red flags. 

1.  You are inexperienced & naïve.  That makes you the perfect candidate to be exploited & you were.  You just didn't know it. 

2.  Connecting on line then talking for a month before meeting was bad.  Men are in a hurry to meet.  This drawn out back & forth was you being something for him to do when he was bored.  You unfortunately developed a false sense of intimacy. 

3.  Him disappearing for 15 days was horrible.   You should have written him off at that point.  The idea that you believed him when he said he joined the army & didn't have a phone is ridiculous.  If he was planning to join the army he would have talked about it.  He didn't.  You don't go in the military for 2 weeks.  Boot camp alone is 6 weeks.  You also don't get to come back in a few weeks.  You are in for 2 - 4 years.   He LIED to you about his military service. 

4.  the dates in his house rather then proper dates were him being lazy & not valuing you.  It wasn't about the ability to talk quietly.  It was about the proximity to his bedroom.  Unless you are DTF stay out of a new man's apartment & don't have him into your place.  Especially in the beginning command respect & effort.  He wanted to get laid.  He was a player pure & simple who told a gullible young woman what she wanted to hear in order to get into her pants.  3 months wasn't too fast for him.  It was too slow. 

5.  Once he realized you were a virgin he freaked & couldn't get away from you fast enough.  It was loving & intimate to you but to him it was just another notch on his bedpost.  He wanted nothing to do with being your 1st because he's terrified that you developed feelings & you saw this as so much more serious then he did.  You were something to play with when he was bored & you didn't require a lot of effort.  It breaks my heart for you that you gave up your virginity so quickly to an undeserving man who didn't cherish the gift you offered.  

 

Get him off your social media & don't look back.  

Thank you very much for replying! The only thing I want to clarify is that he didn't lie about the army; we don't live in the USA and in my country the bootcamp lasts for 2 weeks and in total they are in for 9 months. Nonetheless I agree that he should have told me beforehand... In general I came to realize -finally- that he was just having fun whenever he was bored and the fact that he was my first was what drove him away because obviously he was terrified (as you said). I don't regret having sex with him; it was what I wanted at that exact moment and I did it without expecting a relationship.. I just didn't expect him being such an a**h*** either 😅  

[stillafool]

I think he lost interest and is making up every excuse in the world for his distance from you.  So what if he likes your FB stuff, that just means he spends a lot of time online that he could spend talking or being with you.  I agree that your being a virgin freaked him out and made him retreat.

[Elena94]

20 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I think he lost interest and is making up every excuse in the world for his distance from you.  So what if he likes your FB stuff, that just means he spends a lot of time online that he could spend talking or being with you.  I agree that your being a virgin freaked him out and made him retreat.

Yes you are right about the whole facebook stuff and liking what I post etc.. I just don't get (because I don't think this way) why me being a virgin freaked him out so much.. I mean we were just hanging out casually all this time (even if this is a red flag as someone mentioned) and I never asked for something more serious; I was also having fun and I enjoyed his company since we shared a lot in common. Nothing less; nothing more... Neither did I change my behavior after that night; nor did I ask for something or try to get something out of it. And all this time he didn't show me that he wanted just to have sex; I mean if that was the case he would have initiated it much earlier.. Anyway what matters now is that he pulled away and untfortunately I still care so I'm trying to explain things.. Thanks for replying!

Edited February 12, 2020 by Elena94

[Elena94]

On 2/6/2020 at 9:30 AM, thaygiaogiang said:

When somebody, for whatever reasons, starts to keep distance from you by not replying your texts (or taking forever to reply your texts - same thing), that means only one thing: That somebody is no longer interested in you and no longer wants anything to do with you.

The solution? You have to accept that and move on.

Afterall, nobody owes you a relationship, and vice versa.

I just saw your comment. I agree that he doesn't owe me anything and neither do I.. It was just so out of the blue for me that I couldn't accept it. I'm still trying because I realized I developed feelings for him but I don't expect anything. Thanks for your time 🙂

[Mystery4u]

He is not interested. His aim was to get you into bed, nothing more. That is clear as day.

Please delete him from your social media and move on with your life so you can find someone who appreciates you for you. He doesn't.