How do I figure out what makes me unattractive?

[Inflikted]

I know I obviously don't meet enough people nowadays, but I had quite a lot of opportunities to meet and connect with people in my 20s. But I never had moments where a girl was being flirty with me, I never had moments where a girl made eye contact and smiled at me, etc. Women have just never looked my way, so to speak.

On top of that, I tried online dating many, many times. On standard sites, I could never get women to talk to me. On something like Tinder, I always got no matches. Like, literally zero.

By sheer odds and numbers, that shouldn't be the case, yeah? I mean, even people with disabilities (physical or mental), people in bad life situations, etc. manage to attract other people. So why not me?

And, I mean, I'm obviously flawed, I wouldn't describe myself as "good looking" and I don't have a "big" personality. But I don't think I'm THAT bad, or anything.

So yes, while I may not be meeting enough people right now, I don't think that actually matters if I'm not appealing enough to begin with.

But while I can speculate on what it is about me that's unappealing, I can't really say for sure. Is it something I can work on? Or am I just inherently unappealing as a person, period? I don't know how to figure out and understand what makes me so.

[basil67]

If you were getting no matches on Tinder, then your presentation is the issue.   Can you seek advice on how better to present yourself.    Do you smile in photos?

Hint: if you're still wearing the same haircut which you've had for over 10 years, it's time to modernise.  Likewise with glasses if you wear them.   And clothing style....

[Gaeta]

About concentrating on what you've got and use it to the maximum! What is good about you? your height? you're toned? you've got striking eyes? good teeth? Your smile? Hair? You're funny? You're intellectual? what are you good at? 

[RecentChange]

I would hazard to guess it was a reflection of how you see yourself.

It seems like you have come a long way in recent months, but once upon a time your posts had a lot of self loathing, negative energy and all around Eeyore vibe.

That is patently unattractive, and in my experience those who think they are hiding it well, aren't being as covert as they think.

People are drawn to a positive vibe. People that seem to be happy with themselves and the world around them.

I have a motto, "attitude affects everything".

It changes the way you see yourself and how others see you. It influences your interactions in a deep way.

The happier you become with yourself. The more you smile with not only your lips, but with your eyes, and your soul - the more likely it will be that a girl will make eye contact and smile back.

When you have a "look at me I am beaming" attitude, others tend to take notice. In my experience this transcends physical looks. 

[Foxhall]

You think you are unappealing because you are low in confidence,

I would suggest joining some kind of a group event/meetup and just observe how the people interact and pick up some pointers, try to get to know a few people without having any expectations of meeting anyone special.

I would then try the online route again i.e revert to individual dates and with the benefit of some of these pointers you have observed, you will have a better chance,

no pain no gain, it will not be easy at first, Im assuming your quite shy and so on, but the effort will be worth it, you can improve a little anyway with an effort, give yourself a better chance.

and you will enjoy improving your social life.

[Inflikted]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Do you smile in photos?

Yep.

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

if you're still wearing the same haircut which you've had for over 10 years, it's time to modernise.  Likewise with glasses if you wear them.   And clothing style....

I guess? I don't really know what would look good on me. As far as clothes, I don't really dress any differently than other people I know; I wouldn't know how to dress instead.

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

About concentrating on what you've got and use it to the maximum! What is good about you? your height? you're toned? you've got striking eyes? good teeth? Your smile? Hair? You're funny? You're intellectual? what are you good at? 

I'm pretty average all around. Working against me is my height (5'1") and my very young looking face.

44 minutes ago, RecentChange said:

I would hazard to guess it was a reflection of how you see yourself.

It seems like you have come a long way in recent months, but once upon a time your posts had a lot of self loathing, negative energy and all around Eeyore vibe.

That is patently unattractive, and in my experience those who think they are hiding it well, aren't being as covert as they think.

I dunno, I really don't think that's been an issue for me. My "negativity energy" was very centralized to places like this one. I could go into greater detail about this, but it would probably be better to direct you to the thread I made in the Personal Rants forum about some realizations I had come to about myself.

[Inflikted]

1 minute ago, Foxhall said:

I would suggest joining some kind of a group event/meetup and just observe how the people interact and pick up some pointers, try to get to know a few people without having any expectations of meeting anyone special.

Well, that's what I always tried to do back during my 20s, through things like school and work. I never really felt like I was making connections, though.

4 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

no pain no gain, it will not be easy at first, Im assuming your quite shy and so on, but the effort will be worth it, you can improve a little anyway with an effort, give yourself a better chance.

I wouldn't describe myself as "shy". I'm very reserved and introverted, and more socially awkward, than anything else.

[alphamale]

what's your weight and height inflicted?

[Inflikted]

17 minutes ago, alphamale said:

what's your weight and height inflicted?

5'1". Not sure on my exact weight. I have a little bit of a belly, but I'm not noticeably husky or anything like that (I have been working on eating better, so maybe after some time, I'll lose some of the belly).

[Foxhall]

20 minutes ago, Inflikted said:

I'm very reserved and introverted, and more socially awkward, than anything else.

this is not set in stone, you can change ,

if you met a woman who would engage in conversation and build a friendship even, it would boost you,

a lot of the single females on here for example, you get the vibe they are quite open to being approached and chatted in real life, so take a chance or two put yourself in the mix,

dont worry about rejections just push yourself.

 

 

 

[Inflikted]

23 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

this is not set in stone, you can change ,

if you met a woman who would engage in conversation and build a friendship even, it would boost you,

a lot of the single females on here for example, you get the vibe they are quite open to being approached and chatted in real life, so take a chance or two put yourself in the mix,

dont worry about rejections just push yourself.

Well, I mean, one of my closest friends is a girl, and to be honest, I'd say I actually have an easier time "warming up" to women rather than other guys. But women don't seem interested in me beyond maybe platonic friendships.

[alphamale]

57 minutes ago, Inflikted said:

5'1". Not sure on my exact weight. I have a little bit of a belly, but I'm not noticeably husky or anything like that (I have been working on eating better, so maybe after some time, I'll lose some of the belly).

5'1" is very short for a man. this is probably the reason

[sothereiwas]

Women will often deny it, but the phrase "I'm taller when I stand on my wallet" is a thing for a reason. Good luck. 

[Inflikted]

6 minutes ago, sothereiwas said:

Women will often deny it, but the phrase "I'm taller when I stand on my wallet" is a thing for a reason. Good luck.

 

9 minutes ago, alphamale said:

5'1" is very short for a man. this is probably the reason

It's disappointing to think that my height will mean a life of being forever single. 😕

[CAPITAL CROOK]

47 minutes ago, Inflikted said:

 

It's disappointing to think that my height will mean a life of being forever single. 😕

Women like men who are good at things. Women like men who are good at being tall, making money and being fit... But there are things outside of the trifecta, but embracing the trifecta and working on yourself is the key... Being attractive has nothing to do with how you look, it is all in your mind... Some people can have that mindset without any parts of the trifecta, but others, like yourself maybe, need to manifest that trifecta in order to get into the right mindstate.

Just grind man, don't be chasing tail left and right, just grind, keep your ducks in a row and you will find somebody, but do not be out there chasing women like the next one you see is the last one you will ever get a chance to be with... Manifest the trifecta! You are not tall, no, but you can still have a tall man's mindset and that is just as good. Work on it.

Edited January 23, 2020 by CAPITAL CROOK

[alphamale]

1 hour ago, Inflikted said:

It's disappointing to think that my height will mean a life of being forever single. 😕

Don't be ridiculous Inflikted...you will find the one for you, it may just take time.  Everyone has at least one characteristic that makes dating a challenge

[Inflikted]

1 hour ago, CAPITAL CROOK said:

Just grind man, don't be chasing tail left and right, just grind, keep your ducks in a row and you will find somebody, but do not be out there chasing women like the next one you see is the last one you will ever get a chance to be with... Manifest the trifecta! You are not tall, no, but you can still have a tall man's mindset and that is just as good. Work on it.

Heh, I don't think I've ever been remotely close to "chasing tail".

I just don't know what I could do to make myself into a generally "attractive" person. In most ways, I don't feel like I'm any worse than any average person. I don't feel like I'm worse or "lesser than" the people in my social circle. But I'm not so sure the rest of the world agrees with me.

29 minutes ago, alphamale said:

Don't be ridiculous Inflikted...you will find the one for you, it may just take time.  Everyone has at least one characteristic that makes dating a challenge

But dating is a numbers game, yes? If I've not been able to hit it off with one person by now, I don't see why I should have any kind of faith in thinking it could happen in the future. The numbers don't lie, right?

[RecentChange]

I won't lie, 5' 1" is going to be a handicap when it comes to dating.

The average American woman is 5'4" and well to feel "feminine" we usually like men who are bigger than we are. 

I am 5'6" and solidly built, a guy who is 5'1" would get next'ed by me.

But! That does not mean you are destined to be single forever, but you do need to enhance what you have.

I like to give the example of two brothers I know. Dad is tall, 6'3", mom is short, about 5'.

Their two sons take after each side. One is 6'3" lanky, unfit, and kind of a "need" shy etc.

The other is short, my guess is 5'1", he is confident out going, has a great body from working out and does martial arts.

The tall brother struggles with dating, while the short brother always has a pretty girlfriend. 

Perhaps their personalities were inheritantly different.... But I watched them grow up and always got the feeling the short brother had to work harder to prove himself, and that work he put into himself lead to a level of confidence women find attractive.

Heck he has had a better professional career because of it as well - proven to be more of a go getter while the other brother is more comfortable fading into the background. 

[Happy Lemming]

21 minutes ago, RecentChange said:

I won't lie, 5' 1" is going to be a handicap when it comes to dating.

 

Throw on top of that the OP is 31 and still lives at home with his parents, doesn't make "a living wage", can't afford an apartment and doesn't have a career direction.

Until you change your ability to take care of yourself & live on your own, you are correct no woman will ever date you, much less sleep with you.

You are destined to be alone for the rest of your life unless you make some serious "life changes" to become an independent adult.

[RecentChange]

11 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Throw on top of that the OP is 31 and still lives at home with his parents, doesn't make "a living wage", can't afford an apartment and doesn't have a career direction.

Until you change your ability to take care of yourself & live on your own, you are correct no woman will ever date you, much less sleep with you.

You are destined to be alone for the rest of your life unless you make some serious "life changes" to become an independent adult.

True dat.

The short guy I was talking about? In a frat in college, now works for an international accounting firm, makes good money and travels the world....

I am sure that contributes to him being a "ladies man" despite his short stature. 

The muay thai training doesn't hurt either. 

Look, most of us need to put in some effort.

I was a tom boy growing up, I would rather wear guy's jeans than a skirt. Not into make up, or fashion...

And I can't say that I changed all of that because I "wanted a man" but ya know,  it's all comes with playing the part for the life you want.

I quickly discovered how changing my clothing affected how people be treated me. That some make up is basically a requirement for women. That exercise and dieting were necessary evils.

And when I do these things, I feel even more confident. People around me treat me differently which builds the positive reinforcement. 

If ya want to be a player, you have to play the game. In my experience this is true in not only romance but professional endeavors. 

Edited January 23, 2020 by RecentChange

[Happy Lemming]

42 minutes ago, RecentChange said:

...now works for an international accounting firm, makes good money...

Yes, RC... the gentleman you speak of, learned a marketable skill and earns a "living wage".  He isn't "holed up" in his childhood room at age 31.

@Inflikted Until you pick a vocation that earns a "living wage" or work two jobs, you are just spinning your wheels, wasting more time. Have you gotten any closer to choosing a career path or trade??  The time is now to do something to break this cycle of slothfulness.

[Ellener]

I took this side gig job in a building with salons a few months ago, my appearance has had a major makeover since, the other women were all over me to get a haircut, dye my hair, change my clothes. It's been great fun and very positive.

11 hours ago, Inflikted said:

am I just inherently unappealing as a person,

I doubt it but you are kind-of whining and over-thinking here, if you do that in person then yes, it is unattractive to people who don't.

[K.K.]

It’s not your height. People say the same things you do all the time here that are on the opposite end of the height chart. 

Forgive me for saying so but you’ve been asking the same question here for years. 

The answer is- your attitude. 

Its awful. Horrible. Poor me, poor me. You make statements like (loosely quoted here, I don’t feel like looking back) “ I just don’t care about people or their interests.” “I can’t care about anybody” “If someone tells me something about themselves I just think what was that and ignore it” and other things even scarier than that. 

You may not think so, but all that reads on your face. Yes, it’s creepy. I can feel it all the way over here. 

Your past posts are terrifying. 

Get your s*** together, man. You have to be a friend to have a friend. If you have no empathy for your fellow man then... somethings wrong there somewhere. 

Perhaps a psychologist is in order. Do you want to live the rest of your life this way?! 

I’m not trying to be harsh. But something has to strike a nerve there somewhere. It’s absolutely exhausting to keep seeing people blame anything and everything for their problems but what it actually is. 

This is 100% your attitude. Not your height. 

 

[Piddy]

3 hours ago, K.K. said:

 Perhaps a psychologist is in order. Do you want to live the rest of your life this way?! 

Good advice.  There's a lot of people who should take that advice. 

[K.K.]

1 hour ago, Piddy said:

Good advice.  There's a lot of people who should take that advice. 

Right? ! 😂 

🖕