Author Inflikted Posted January 23, 2020 Author Share Posted January 23, 2020 9 hours ago, Happy Lemming said: Throw on top of that the OP is 31 and still lives at home with his parents, doesn't make "a living wage", can't afford an apartment and doesn't have a career direction. Technically, I think I do make a "living wage", albeit on the very bottom of the spectrum. With another raise or two, I should be fine. I mean, my friends each only make a couple dollars more than I do. Heck, my one friend's sister is a college educated teacher, and from what I understand, she makes close to what I do. Granted, all of these people also enjoy the benefit of being dual income households with their partners. I could probably afford to live on my own right now, but I'm still pretty set on living in a house instead of an apartment, and I'd be a tad more comfortable with another year or so worth of savings. But, I have thought about trying to rent an apartment or something, I just hesitate because renting would mean I wouldn't be able to save as much money for a home in the future. There's still plenty of time for me to figure out a proper career direction. Worst case scenario, I wouldn't hate moving up where I work now, if the opportunity comes along. In any case, none of these are things that are so apparent that would prevent initial attractions. Like, a girl isn't going to notice me somewhere and go "Oh, but he's clearly a 31 year old that lives with his parents and doesn't make any money", not would I exactly introduce myself that way. I admit, I'm not currently in a position to actually date, but I'm talking about the fact that I've never once met anyone who even seemed interested beyond friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Inflikted Posted January 23, 2020 Author Share Posted January 23, 2020 4 hours ago, K.K. said: Forgive me for saying so but you’ve been asking the same question here for years. The answer is- your attitude. Its awful. Horrible. Poor me, poor me. You make statements like (loosely quoted here, I don’t feel like looking back) “ I just don’t care about people or their interests.” “I can’t care about anybody” “If someone tells me something about themselves I just think what was that and ignore it” and other things even scarier than that. I disagree. For one, see my thread in the Personal Rants forum about my realizations. The gist of it is, I'm not an unhappy or miserable person, and that was a lie I was telling myself. That negativity was centralized here, and I exaggerated quite a bit about it over the years. I'm confident that I don't exude a "negative energy". I think if you asked any of my friends or former colleagues, none would describe me as a sad, depressing, dark person. A bit quiet and reserved, and maybe a bit awkward, yes. But I've never been the type that goes about my day with a dark cloud above my head. The only thing I have felt truly "hopeless" about is my romantic prospects, and that's not something I talk to anyone about in the real world, just on forums like this. It's certainly not some all consuming thing for me, either. Link to post Share on other sites
Legatus Posted January 23, 2020 Share Posted January 23, 2020 @Inflikted as some people already mentioned - it's hard to explain but the things you think about yourself can be projected into very subtle cues that people will pick up subconsciously. Also, you expect that girls won't look at you and that can also make you do things you're not even aware of. I think you're trying to do it the wrong way. You want to get girls' attention first but first you need to give yourself the attention you need and deserve. If you're happy on your own, in your own skin, with your own life, then the chances are that you will create a shift of energy around you that will pull other people in. I'm not saying it's a panacea for everything. But if you achieved this internal peace and happiness with yourself and then still not get anywhere, only then I would start to worry Link to post Share on other sites
Author Inflikted Posted January 23, 2020 Author Share Posted January 23, 2020 9 hours ago, RecentChange said: Look, most of us need to put in some effort. I'm not unwilling to put in effort, nor have I expected anything to be easy or handed to me, and I don't know why people act like that's the case. I know nothing is "easy", but I just feel like it also shouldn't be THIS hard. I'm not unwilling to "put in the effort", but I just don't have it in me to become some kind of globetrotting multimillionaire that learns a bunch of skills and has this crazy amazing life and does all these big things, and whatnot. That's just not the kind of person I am. And I don't feel I should have to be that. Everyone I've met along the way of my life has had a more standard life, like mine, and they've gotten by fine. I'm not whining or crying that it's "not fair", but I can't just become a completely different person. I am who I am. Maybe I'm not some kind of super amazing spectacular human specimen, but I like to think that I'm a good guy that's worth having around. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted January 23, 2020 Share Posted January 23, 2020 41 minutes ago, Inflikted said: Technically, I think I do make a "living wage", albeit on the very bottom of the spectrum. Then get an apartment, work a second job to save for a house... The time to save for a house (if that was a major goal) was last decade when you were in your 20's, now your 31 and no closer to leaving the nest. You also need to socialize with other humans (and I don't mean the two friends you already have). And going out for Chinese Takeout once a week in NOT socializing. A woman is not going to come knock on your door and ask you out. You also have to have some money to "splash" around when you date and attempt to date. Back in the day, when I dated I budgeted about $400-$500/month for dating, "fun activities" and sports. These "fun activities" and sports put me in contact with women, at which point I would attempt to chit-chat and ask them out on a date. When was the last time you went out alone and attempted to meet a woman, talk to her (chit-chat) and ask her out?? Yes, being 5' 1" is a "major handicap in dating" but you are not going to overcome it unless you make some changes to your lifestyle. I am of the belief that "there is a lid for every pot", but you've got to be able to show a woman a nice time, be engaging, interesting, etc. As it stands, what do you bring to the table... 31 years old, 5' 1", a bit overweight, lives at home with parents, has minimal income, depressive attitude and is afraid to socialize. Do you think that is a recipe for success with women?? You are stuck in the proverbial "error loop"!! Do something (different) to break the cycle to improve yourself and your situation. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
nospam99 Posted January 23, 2020 Share Posted January 23, 2020 I'm posting here but really referring to your (OP) PRC topic. At least one specific thing you can do to improve your life is to change your career trajectory. It probably won't immediately impact your dating life. But it probably will provide positive feedback to your self esteem and confidence. In that PRC topic I outlined a tactic that will work in my community (did work for my middle son): take night classes towards an Air Conditioning and Refrigeration certificate as leverage to get a Heating, Ventilation, and Air Conditioning (HVAC) job. Here, you'd be done in one year (year and a half from now because you have to start in the fall semester) while continuing to work full time in your day job. IIRC, you (and everyone else) never responded to that suggestion. No, it's not necessarily a 'life choice'. But wouldn't it be a huge economic (and maturity) step up? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted January 23, 2020 Share Posted January 23, 2020 2 minutes ago, nospam99 said: IIRC, you (and everyone else) never responded to that suggestion. No, it's not necessarily a 'life choice'. But wouldn't it be a huge economic (and maturity) step up? I made the suggestion that the OP look into CNC machining, as he liked computers and creating items (prototyping). "Carhill" added that he would be happy to answer questions about the subject as he had owned CNC machines. And yes HVAC work would also provide a better income and an "economic step up". The OP doesn't seem to have the desire to improve himself. He failed to pick a degree program that would afford him a "living wage". This appears to be an ongoing problem. Individuals get a degree in "something they love, so they can enjoy their work" but what they failed to research is... will someone pay them a "living wage" for that skill. Getting an "Advanced Basket weaving" degree won't buy you squat and you'll still be facing that student loan debt. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 23, 2020 Share Posted January 23, 2020 16 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: The OP doesn't seem to have the desire to improve himself. He failed to pick a degree program that would afford him a "living wage". This appears to be an ongoing problem. Individuals get a degree in "something they love, so they can enjoy their work" but what they failed to research is... will someone pay them a "living wage" for that skill. Getting an "Advanced Basket weaving" degree won't buy you squat and you'll still be facing that student loan debt. a bachelors degree in psychology is worthless but people still get one. you really need a masters or phD in that field to make any money. Whereas a bachelors degree in accounting can take you far along with a six figure salary 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Inflikted Posted January 23, 2020 Author Share Posted January 23, 2020 55 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: As it stands, what do you bring to the table... 31 years old, 5' 1", a bit overweight, lives at home with parents, has minimal income, depressive attitude and is afraid to socialize. Do you think that is a recipe for success with women?? I don't have a generally "depressive" attitude, and I wouldn't describe myself as "afraid" to socialize. Look, I know I can't date RIGHT NOW. I obviously don't have it together enough at the moment to attract someone. The thing is, even if I could start getting out more and meeting more people, I'm still stuck at the original problem of not being able to attract someone's attention to begin with. Yes, I need more "opportunity" to actually meet people, but that opportunity doesn't matter if people don't find me to be appealing enough to WANT to get closer to me. Ideally, I'll be comfortable enough to move out early next year. And my income should be fine enough for me to live relatively comfortably. I'm fairly frugal, anyway. So that issue will be rectified in the nearish future. But that won't make it any easier to meet and connect with people. The thing I'm sort of stuck on is that I think I'm good enough to be someone's partner, but I don't have anything that initially draws people in or attracts people. Yes, I'll be a better partner when I have my own place to live, and maybe more activities would make me feel more personally fulfilled. But those things aren't going to make women "notice" me more in passing, they're not going to draw anyone in initially. In my opinion, that's the thing I need to figure out. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 23, 2020 Share Posted January 23, 2020 inflikted stop feeling sorry for yourself and bite the bullet and highlight what you have to offer 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted January 23, 2020 Share Posted January 23, 2020 2 minutes ago, Inflikted said: The thing is, even if I could start getting out more and meeting more people, I'm still stuck at the original problem of not being able to attract someone's attention to begin with. There is your "error loop" or "circular logic"... "I'm not going to go out and socialize because I can't attract someone's attention" and you can't attract someone's attention if you don't go out into the world and socialize. So you continue to "hole up" in your room and time passes. If you don't try... of course you will never attract anyone. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Inflikted Posted January 23, 2020 Author Share Posted January 23, 2020 22 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: I made the suggestion that the OP look into CNC machining, as he liked computers and creating items (prototyping). "Carhill" added that he would be happy to answer questions about the subject as he had owned CNC machines. And yes HVAC work would also provide a better income and an "economic step up". 34 minutes ago, nospam99 said: I'm posting here but really referring to your (OP) PRC topic. At least one specific thing you can do to improve your life is to change your career trajectory. It probably won't immediately impact your dating life. But it probably will provide positive feedback to your self esteem and confidence. In that PRC topic I outlined a tactic that will work in my community (did work for my middle son): take night classes towards an Air Conditioning and Refrigeration certificate as leverage to get a Heating, Ventilation, and Air Conditioning (HVAC) job. Here, you'd be done in one year (year and a half from now because you have to start in the fall semester) while continuing to work full time in your day job. IIRC, you (and everyone else) never responded to that suggestion. No, it's not necessarily a 'life choice'. But wouldn't it be a huge economic (and maturity) step up? I haven't been trying to ignore anything, it just gets away from me because I don't feel like I'm THAT bad off, career wise, right now. Sure, I could be better off, but my income isn't really terrible for someone frugal like myself, and I'm still trying to figure out what I could even reasonably do. I haven't "given up" on either of your suggestions, I just haven't been in a place right now where I'm looking into those things. That's not my focus at the moment. I'm not opposed to "bettering my life"; where I've always been stuck at, career wise, is that I struggle to figure out what I think I could reasonably learn to do that would be worth a larger income. I'm not just lazily neglecting a career path, but pursuing an education without a plan for it doesn't seem very smart, to me, and the last thing I want to do is put myself in unnecessary debt. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted January 23, 2020 Share Posted January 23, 2020 2 minutes ago, Inflikted said: I haven't been trying to ignore anything, it just gets away from me because I don't feel like I'm THAT bad off... You can't afford a Studio Apartment, you are that "bad off". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Inflikted Posted January 23, 2020 Author Share Posted January 23, 2020 3 minutes ago, alphamale said: inflikted stop feeling sorry for yourself and bite the bullet and highlight what you have to offer I'm not trying to "feel sorry for myself". I'm not sure what you're asking of me, though. 1 minute ago, Happy Lemming said: There is your "error loop" or "circular logic"... "I'm not going to go out and socialize because I can't attract someone's attention" and you can't attract someone's attention if you don't go out into the world and socialize. So you continue to "hole up" in your room and time passes. If you don't try... of course you will never attract anyone. I understand what I'm saying. The thing I'm arguing, though, is that I HAVE had plenty of opportunity to meet people in my younger years (a time where it's more acceptable to not have your life together yet), and I didn't connect with a single person I met over those years. That number doesn't inspire confidence in me. I spent 10+ years with plenty of opportunity to meet people and connect. I'm not trying to push back on you, but what I'm saying is, why is it going to be different now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Inflikted Posted January 23, 2020 Author Share Posted January 23, 2020 Just now, Happy Lemming said: You can't afford a Studio Apartment, you are that "bad off". I'm sure I probably could. I just admittedly choose not to because I'm living in a comfortable setting that allows me to save money towards my real goal. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted January 23, 2020 Share Posted January 23, 2020 1 minute ago, Inflikted said: ...and I didn't connect with a single person I met over those years.. "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again" - William Edward Hickson Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 23, 2020 Share Posted January 23, 2020 3 minutes ago, Inflikted said: I'm sure I probably could. I just admittedly choose not to because I'm living in a comfortable setting that allows me to save money towards my real goal. what does your family/parents say about your situation? Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted January 23, 2020 Share Posted January 23, 2020 3 minutes ago, Inflikted said: I'm sure I probably could. Then get one, grow up!! When I wanted to save for a house, I worked a second job! Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 23, 2020 Share Posted January 23, 2020 5 minutes ago, Inflikted said: I'm sure I probably could. I just admittedly choose not to because I'm living in a comfortable setting that allows me to save money towards my real goal. Then stop complaining. You can make some changes to increase your odds of finding a partner. You are choosing not to. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Piddy Posted January 23, 2020 Share Posted January 23, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, K.K. said: Right? ! 😂 🖕 Why do you think they don't take that advice and see a psychologist? 🤔 Edited January 23, 2020 by Piddy Link to post Share on other sites
Author Inflikted Posted January 23, 2020 Author Share Posted January 23, 2020 7 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: Then get one, grow up!! When I wanted to save for a house, I worked a second job! 6 minutes ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said: Then stop complaining. You can make some changes to increase your odds of finding a partner. You are choosing not to. I understand that. And I will work on my living situation. It just takes time. I have a good bit already saved up. I just want to save a bit more before I commit to making a move. That said, having a place to live, in and of itself, won't better my odds at finding a partner. Even when I do move out, I'm still not going to be any better at meeting people. As for a second job, yes, I could do that, but if I'm currently living comfortably while I save money instead, why would I want to trade that off? This is working just the same, and I don't have to trade a comfortable living scenario for the stress of taking on additional hours of work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Inflikted Posted January 23, 2020 Author Share Posted January 23, 2020 12 minutes ago, alphamale said: what does your family/parents say about your situation? They're fine with me living there, and it's not like I'm "free loading". I do pay a rent, it's just cheaper than the cost of renting an apartment. My mom actually doesn't even want me to leave, but that's another issue entirely. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 23, 2020 Share Posted January 23, 2020 (edited) 3 minutes ago, Inflikted said: That said, having a place to live, in and of itself, won't better my odds at finding a partner. Oh yes it will! It won't guarantee it because at the end of the day you are still 5'1" and have that going against you, but it will vastly improve your chances! Look, dating is clearly not your goal right now. Becoming financially secure is. And that's fine. Just don't be so pessimistic about your future dating life when it's not something you're willing to propritize right now anyway. Edited January 23, 2020 by CautiouslyOptimistic Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 23, 2020 Share Posted January 23, 2020 1 minute ago, Inflikted said: My mom actually doesn't even want me to leave, but that's another issue entirely. Ha!! Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted January 23, 2020 Share Posted January 23, 2020 1 minute ago, Inflikted said: As for a second job, yes, I could do that, but if I'm currently living comfortably while I save money instead, why would I want to trade that off? Because that is what mature well-rounded adults do, they don't live at home with Mommy & Daddy at 31 years old. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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