18-month something has ended and I'm heartbroken

[VioletVelvet]

Sorry for the length -- this is the edited version! 

Ok first off, I do not have a lot of experience with different actual relationships. I did not have a BF in high school. My first real relationship lasted a year just before I started uni. I met my now-ex while I was in school (he was 10 years older) and we married before I graduated. We were married for 21 years and have two kids. I've now been single for close to 8 years. 

During the first three years or so single I dated quite a lot but was definitely not looking for anything significant. Then I got sick of that meaninglessness and felt I did want to meet someone, but just wasn't all that interested in anyone I met. In summer 2018, however, after 7 years single, I went on my first date with a fascinating man. We became very close right away, talking all the time, messaging at least once per day and seeing each other once in a while but didn't sleep together until November of that year. 

Cutting to the chase: I absolutely loved/love him, but he is for sure emotionally unavailable. Our relationship has been profound and important for both of us but there was always a ridiculous push-pull from him.

I always knew things were not as they should be. He would not commit himself to a partnership, we were never exclusive (though I wanted to be), I gave far more than he did, blah blah blah.

He had a lot of trauma in his past and honestly (this is not bulls***) has been trying really hard to work through it, understand why he sabotages himself and work out why he has messed up all his relationships.

He said to me a few times, "I know that I want to have a committed relationship with one person, where we build a life together but I feel like I'm not quite ready. I'm almost ready but if I jump in before I'm there then we are doomed to fail. It won't be long."

I know, right? Talk about being strung along. 

But we always got along so well it was like magic. We both work from home and so could (and did) spend 24 hours per day together week after week, month after month. I feel like we had two relationships: the one where we just were together and always enjoyed each other's company and loved spending time together, and then the over-arching one where things like partnerships and plans were made or, in this case, not made. The first one couldn't be more perfect and the second one couldn't be more imperfect.

Anyway, I was willingly blind for sure. I had found someone I truly wanted to spend my precious moments with, we loved to talk (and talk and talk -- well, I did a lot more listening but he was so interesting), to eat, to watch movies, to learn, to discuss, to plan, to travel, to do everything, and I wanted it to be so badly that I did delude myself, sometimes knowingly, and found myself sometimes asking what the hell I was doing. 

So around the end of October he told me that whenever the day comes that he is ready to commit to a partnership, he has realized it won't be with me.

I was devastated. He was still living at my place for a couple more months and I decided to let that happen and try to enjoy it while it lasted. I said "If I knew my partner were dying in two months I would try to have the best two months together" January came and he moved to a nearby town. 

I had been speaking of the Post-Moveout time as the end, and he kept saying "Why do we have to end things? Just because it can't be this one thing, why can't it be anything? We have an amazing relationship, even if it's not the relationship you want it to be."

I said, "So basically what you're saying is you want to be friends."

He said, "Well yes I guess, except what we have is so much more than that, but if it helps you to think of it in those terms, then yes." 

So I said to myself, ok we will see. If I'm able to accept this thing, then I will. 

We continued messaging a lot, like usual, and then last week he told me he was coming to the city and missed me and would love to see me. My heart stopped. I realized there was no way I should see him and I told him I was not ready. And I wrote out this letter about everything he'd meant to me, and how even now every time I think of anything in my future he is automatically there and I have to remind myself that he won't be. And that he became a part of everything to me, he became a part of the air that I breathe, and I have to remove him from my thoughts of the future, from my sense of self, and that this is not going to happen if I see him. If I see him I'm just going to be filled with longing. He's going to go back to the life he's chosen and I'll be sitting here heartbroken.

He has not responded at all. We have not gone a day without messaging, talking or seeing each other for 18 months and now it's been over a week. 

I feel so alone. I miss him like crazy. I think this is the right decision but it's so hard. I feel like he was the love of my life and I waited my whole life to meet him, but I'm not the love of his. I have to accept it but I feel incredibly sad, and every day I just want to cry. 

And I feel like I'm never going to find someone else and you guys are all going to say don't be silly, of course you will. I don't say I can't find anyone. It's finding someone I want to talk with and spend time with every single day. Someone who challenges me and who I also challenge, and who I feel I could really build an incredible life with. 

I will also add because it's relevant that I recently lost both my parents, my brother has decided to not be part of my life anymore and both my kids have left home and are now traveling the world, so 

There's no question here. I'm just trying to cope. 

 

Edited January 22, 2020 by VioletVelvet
sentence was unclear.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I'm so sorry to read of your heartache, VioletVelvet. It seems to me you've faced the situation and dealt with it appropriately. You were very wise not to meet your ex when he came to town. Letting him know why probably helped you out. He likely doesn't realize the extent to which your emotions have been tried but many on this board will be empathetic and plenty of people have gone through a similar situation as to what you describe.

In your place I'd probably go completely no contact with him. Time and distance are your friends.

[VioletVelvet]

Thank you. I was honest with him all the way along about how I felt —— hyper-honest. But somehow I don't think he really internalized it or maybe didn't even believe it.

You are probably right re: no contact, though there are some financial things we still have to work out. 

This may seem extreme but I'm actually considering moving far away across the ocean. I have no family holding me here now and I work remotely, so I'm thinking why not. Running away from him is not the reason that I would go but since he is not my partner he is also not a reason for me to stay. 

[FMW]

I think you are absolutely right about having no contact.  Being around him will only prolong your pain.  Plus, the fact that he didn't rule out committing, but was just ruling it out with you, would have stopped me cold.  He's gotten from the relationship what he wants, all along, without too much care about what you want and need.  And even after the incredibly insensitive thing he said about committing, he still expects to get what he wants, without a thought to how it affects you.

I'm sorry you feel alone - maybe moving somewhere new is exactly what you need.  A fresh start with exciting new possibilities.  Whether you stay or go - leave this guy firmly in your past.  

[elaine567]

2 minutes ago, Finding my way said:

And even after the incredibly insensitive thing he said about committing, he still expects to get what he wants, without a thought to how it affects you.

I think the letter woke him up to what was really happening here, hence why he has  now effectively bowed out.
 

[VioletVelvet]

19 minutes ago, Finding my way said:

Plus, the fact that he didn't rule out committing, but was just ruling it out with you, would have stopped me cold.  He's gotten from the relationship what he wants, all along, without too much care about what you want and need.  And even after the incredibly insensitive thing he said about committing, he still expects to get what he wants, without a thought to how it affects you.

 

Yes you are right. It's always what he wants, what he needs, what he's unable to give. And yes, this is certainly how I've thought of this post-time -- he wants the support and love and acceptance that he's been getting from me to continue, without even having to pretend or consider something deeper. He gets a "wife" he doesn't have to live with, with no responsibility, tons of female attention and 100% freedom to be sexually with whoever he wants.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I'm with FMW about moving! Could be exactly what you need! And a great time of life to enjoy another culture and do some traveling. Only do it, though, if it works for you in all ways, not just to be away from him. Although I think it's great to do it for that reason, too!

[scooby-philly]

22 hours ago, VioletVelvet said:

I do not have a lot of experience with different actual relationships.

During the first three years or so single I dated quite a lot but was definitely not looking for anything significant.

Then I got sick of that meaninglessness and felt I did want to meet someone, but just wasn't all that interested in anyone I met. I

Cutting to the chase: I absolutely loved/love him, but he is for sure emotionally unavailable. Our relationship has been profound and important for both of us but there was always a ridiculous push-pull from him.

I always knew things were not as they should be. He would not commit himself to a partnership, we were never exclusive (though I wanted to be), I gave far more than he did, blah blah blah.

He had a lot of trauma in his past and honestly (this is not bulls***) has been trying really hard to work through it, understand why he sabotages himself and work out why he has messed up all his relationships.

He said to me a few times, "I know that I want to have a committed relationship with one person, where we build a life together but I feel like I'm not quite ready. I'm almost ready but if I jump in before I'm there then we are doomed to fail. It won't be long."

But we always got along so well it was like magic. We both work from home and so could (and did) spend 24 hours per day together week after week, month after month.

We loved to talk

I wanted it to be so badly that I did delude myself, sometimes knowingly, and found myself sometimes asking what the hell I was doing. 

"Why do we have to end things? Just because it can't be this one thing, why can't it be anything? We have an amazing relationship, even if it's not the relationship you want it to be."

He has not responded at all. We have not gone a day without messaging, talking or seeing each other for 18 months and now it's been over a week. 

I feel so alone. I miss him like crazy. I think this is the right decision but it's so hard. I feel like he was the love of my life and I waited my whole life to meet him, but I'm not the love of his. I have to accept it but I feel incredibly sad, and every day I just want to cry. 

And I feel like I'm never going to find someone else and you guys are all going to say don't be silly, of course you will. I don't say I can't find anyone. It's finding someone I want to talk with and spend time with every single day. Someone who challenges me and who I also challenge, and who I feel I could really build an incredible life with. 

I will also add because it's relevant that I recently lost both my parents, my brother has decided to not be part of my life anymore and both my kids have left home and are now traveling the world, so there's no question here. I'm just trying to cope. 

 

OP,

I quoted and trimmed you post to highlight key areas. First off, I'm sorry for your pain. I'm 5 months (as of yesterday) out of a relationship that I thought was "the one" when I met her over two years ago. Initially she was so different than my previous exes I was blind to her issues and accepted bad behavior that I should not have tolerated. 

• I do not have a lot of experience with different actual relationships.
  • But you're not 18 either. Even without a ton of relationships, you've met people, you've seen other relationships, you know what you want, what's essential (I like to call it the "non-negotiable") for you to be happy and healthy
  • The sum of your post sounds like you met a guy you fell in love with but who didn't want to commit but still wanted the benefits. Some people are okay without the "title". Some want it. If you want it and he doesn't then you're not compatible. And while you shared a lot of information, there's also a whole other level of "commitment" at play here. People can spend their whole life with you but not commit. ANd that's proven here by the way he just up and left. He was never fully committed to you.
• During the first three years or so single I dated quite a lot but was definitely not looking for anything significant.
  • That's okay. Especially based on your story - not a ton of dating experience followed by a bad, long marriage. You should not regret that.
• Then I got sick of that meaninglessness and felt I did want to meet someone, but just wasn't all that interested in anyone I met.
  • You may have met this guy at a vulnerable time in your life. You may have been down or accepting less than you deserved and he came in like a white knight in shining armor. And he may have been totally different than you were used to with your ex and even some of the guys (or all of the guys) you met during your single time. 
  • For me, I can look back at my heartbreaking relationship that ended 5 months and I know this was the case. I was tired of dating around when I met her and she was (initially), affectionate, sweet, gentle, caring (seemingly) and the balance of sexual I need with not being a public sl#$. And she loved bombed me in the beginning to hide her lack of self-esteem, her lack of dating experience, and her lack of real empathy and care. So I misinterpreted a lot. In the end, I should have left at 7 months when she completely disrespected me on vacation (long story) that included threats of leaving, and it was clear she would never tell her family (there was a big age gap) and that she was immature and inexperienced and that no matter how patient, kind, loving, and gentle i was, she was still in her toxic home environment and not able to recognize let alone own and address her demons.
• Cutting to the chase: I absolutely loved/love him, but he is for sure emotionally unavailable. Our relationship has been profound and important for both of us but there was always a ridiculous push-pull from him.
  • There's probably a lot we need to know about him and his life to really understand this man. However, suffice to say for lots of reason people become uncomfortable opening up their emotions and being vulnerable and also expect the world to accommodate their needs without giving anything in return.
• I always knew things were not as they should be. He would not commit himself to a partnership, we were never exclusive (though I wanted to be), I gave far more than he did, blah blah blah.
  • I'm not exactly sure what you mean? You were living together and he was still having sex with anyone he wanted? I'm not necessarily opposed to an open relationship, but that's negotiated up front and no way you should ever formally date, move in with, or marry someone who's incompatible with you on this front. 
• He had a lot of trauma in his past and honestly (this is not bulls***) has been trying really hard to work through it, understand why he sabotages himself and work out why he has messed up all his relationships.
  • Um...a lot of people have trauma. But people will take a leap when they really want someone. What was his dating life before you? Was he always single or in 1-2 yr or less relationships? He's probably spent a lifetime doing whatever he wants whenever he wants without consequences or having to give. 
  • Your job as a significant other is not to fix or change someone. You give them opportunities and support and encouragement and they change themselves. If they can't in the timeline you're comfortable with then you don't owe them any more. So if at 6 months this should have ended if you wanted commitment and he did not
• He said to me a few times, "I know that I want to have a committed relationship with one person, where we build a life together but I feel like I'm not quite ready. I'm almost ready but if I jump in before I'm there then we are doomed to fail. It won't be long."
  • That's bulls*** that he's convinced himself to enable his lifestyle and you fell for it as much as he did. No offense intended. It happens to us all. I realize now that my recent ex - maybe she did love me (puppy love i think) in the beginning - and part of it was she never had a relationship before and she could brag to herself and her friends about me and fill the emptiness in her soul because her family were working class immigrants and her parents did not let her have a social life and where shame based.
• But we always got along so well it was like magic. We both work from home and so could (and did) spend 24 hours per day together week after week, month after month.
  • You can spend every second of every day together and not be emotionally connected and you can be long-distance and only see each other 1-2 times a week and be perfect for each other. Time does not directly correlate to love. In fact, all of this time probably just deepened his attitude and lifestyle. He got everything he wanted without giving anything up to you probably
• We loved to talk
  • Such as with time, conversation doesn't mean anything in and of itself. If he wasn't vulnerable to you (not just talking about his problems and history, but showing the emotions when he suffered from things) then the talk was just talk. 
• I wanted it to be so badly that I did delude myself, sometimes knowingly, and found myself sometimes asking what the hell I was doing. 
  • So you knew something was off, but you couldn't confront it. Again, this goes back to probably being vulnerable when you met him and him having so many of the qualities you want. I know, that was me with my last ex as I said. Even the most "compatible" couple need that deeper level of real "commitment". 
  • It's hard when we love someone to walk away. We feel like we're a loser. We feel like we won't love again. That's why we need to discuss our feelings with our partners but also with trusted friends. The idea that couples shouldn't share with a friend or two is ridiculous. I mean, I'm 100% anti-drama. And if someone was sharing my dirt around or not respecting my trust in them, then I'd never share with them again. But...you need perspective to see the full picture.
• "Why do we have to end things? Just because it can't be this one thing, why can't it be anything? We have an amazing relationship, even if it's not the relationship you want it to be."
  • That right there summarizes the problem, his attitude, and why you need to stay away. FOREVER
• He has not responded at all. We have not gone a day without messaging, talking or seeing each other for 18 months and now it's been over a week. 
  • Because he's used (especially 18 months with you) of getting his way and doing what he wants when he wants. He won't contact you unless something forces his emotions to confront the situation or something traumatic happens)
• I feel so alone. I miss him like crazy. I think this is the right decision but it's so hard. I feel like he was the love of my life and I waited my whole life to meet him, but I'm not the love of his. I have to accept it but I feel incredibly sad, and every day I just want to cry. 
  • And that's exactly it - you feel that way. But that doesn't mean he is the love of your life. He's got a lot of the characteristics you want and he's probably a lot of things you want/need - but he's not the one. 
• And I feel like I'm never going to find someone else and you guys are all going to say don't be silly, of course you will. I don't say I can't find anyone. It's finding someone I want to talk with and spend time with every single day. Someone who challenges me and who I also challenge, and who I feel I could really build an incredible life with. ]
  • You know that's completely and utter bulls***! That's how you feel know because you feel like a loser, betrayed, hurt, sad, angry, depressed, etc. In reality, you can find someone else. Love is vulnerable. Vulnerability is risk. Risk means reward and pain. In this case you found pain. Now you know two important lessons - don't fall for someone when you're needy (like don't go grocery shopping when you're hungry) and don't do forever without commitment. 
• I will also add because it's relevant that I recently lost both my parents, my brother has decided to not be part of my life anymore and both my kids have left home and are now traveling the world, so there's no question here. I'm just trying to cope. 
  • I feel your pain. THat's why this board exists. And find or cherish close friends who love you for who you are and you can trust. Don't run from the pain, don't burry it, don't drown it in bad habits. Hug it like a lover and let it come and go as it pleases. One day, it will stop coming and you'll feel like you feel after you've had really bad hiccups. You'll miss it, but after a few minutes, you forget all about it.

 

[VioletVelvet]

On 1/23/2020 at 3:43 PM, scooby-philly said:

I was blind to her issues and accepted bad behavior that I should not have tolerated. 

Dear Scooby-philly, what a kind and thoughtful reply. I quoted the section above because this is absolutely the case for me as well.

I'm not going to comment on each and every one of your comments; for the most part I think you are bang on. (I will say about his trauma that it goes quite far beyond average --total abandonment by parents and then other family members and ongoing sexual abuse by male family friends -- but understanding the reasons for the behaviour does not mean I should accept the behaviour.)

And as you state, it's the word "vulnerable" that is key. He states this himself, that he knows he needs to be able to be vulnerable for his relationships to work but he continues to make decisions based on not allowing himself to go there. 

I think it's more than just a matter of him getting whatever he wants, though that's part of it. I think that once I got close to that vulnerable core he had to push me back, and that is the source of the push-pull. Now that I'm not a danger anymore he can act all loving and caring about me. 

BTW he did finally message me in response with a couple of voice messages, basically saying that he respects my decision but to know I'm not alone and he will always be there for me. My (internal) response to this is, well that's funny because you were not always there for me before. See above ^^

[scooby-philly]

59 minutes ago, VioletVelvet said:

 he knows he needs to be able to be vulnerable for his relationships to work but he continues to make decisions based on not allowing himself to go there. 

now that I'm not a danger anymore he can act all loving and caring about me. 

These are the most important points. You love him, but love isn't enough. A relationship is a dual commitment. If he can't/won't commit to you, then you don't have a relationship. You have a friendship with love and sexual benefits. 

 

The most important thing you said was "understanding the reasons for the behaviour does not mean I should accept the behaviour." Your job as a partner is not to fix someone. It's to love and accept them. And to encourage them and to give them a chance to build with you. If they can't or won't build a life with you, then you don't have to justify leaving. As painful as it is, you both deserve better. That's why I love to say very often relationships don't work out because of timing.

 

With my last ex she had a lot of the qualities (i thought at first) that I want/need in a relationship - kind, sweet, affectionate, down to earth, mature, etc. But there was a huge age gap and as time wore on she became less affectionate, less sweet, etc. She love bombed me. But, she also wasn't emotionally mature, comfortable with herself and her sexuality, and she wasn't able to communicate her needs and wants. Being at home still she was surrounded by and still living in a toxic environment.  So...maybe if I had met her in 2 or 4 years, especially if she leaves and lives her own life, she would be right for me. But I'm 38 and I know what I want, who I am, and what I deserve. 

 

Stay positive but also don't block your emotions.