Motivating someone to lose weight?

[Logo]

7 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

I see...  You think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.  You want to continue this relationship (possible because it is comfortable), but think you might be able to get a thin little hottie, maybe.  Do you think you have a "fear of missing out" on someone better?? Are you looking to try to "monkey branch" to different woman??

None of the above. I'm not that kind of person. I could tell you more in private.

[Logo]

6 hours ago, Daisydooks said:

 If it's all you can think of when you're with her, end it.
 

I used to feel like that. But now I appreciate other parts of her, personality and body.

6 hours ago, Daisydooks said:

If you're angry she wont go to the gym, end it.  

I'm not angry. I'm curious why she lives in a place where a lot of people her age are fit, but doesn't see the benefits of it.
 

6 hours ago, Daisydooks said:

If you're looking at her in disgust when she eats, then end it.

I don't.

 

[Logo]

6 hours ago, Daisydooks said:

A bond like you describe can be very hard to come by but you seem to focus a LOT (EVERY post you write) on the physical.

What did you read or get out of the bond that I described? Sometimes it helps to hear or read what the other person thinks.

I focus on the physical because on the one hand I wish there was a brain hack for me to just set it aside and enjoy being with her. But I have started to enjoy being with her lately more and more.

On the other hand I question my feelings. For example, why is it that with my ex I felt like I was on cloud nine, but here it started with a bond and then when things started to get serious I started feeling like it could end up in disaster the longer it went because of the initial doubts. Then I realized that I was starting to enjoy her company.

[Happy Lemming]

9 minutes ago, Logo said:

...of letting her down, of changing my mind and walking away at a point when we're knee deep in love.

There are no guarantees in life, everyone knows that and everyone accepts that risk when they date, fall in love or even marry.

The "Gray Divorce Rate" (55-64 years old) has dramatically increased.  I'm sure those individuals never saw breaking up as a possible event in life, but it happens.

 

[Foxhall]

well you could approach it in the sense of you are looking out for your ladies overall well being,

you want her to be healthy and improve her life expectancy and her overall daily energy,

you could try to get her interested in trying out healthy organic food and so on,

you could suggest the two of you join a running club for general fitness and meeting new people,

chances are this girl will appreciate it in a years time if she gets herself in shape, 

she will feel transformed and the better for it,

Personally Id have a bit of a passion myself for this type of health and nutrition stuff, so I would be pushing that on her, 

you have to get across what you stand for too, what you like to do and how you like to live your life, not feel you have to just fit in with her lifestyle,

you never know she may be open to improving herself.

 

 

Edited January 29, 2020 by Foxhall

[Logo]

6 hours ago, Foxhall said:

you have to get across what you stand for too, what you like to do and how you like to live your life, not feel you have to just fit in with her lifestyle,

You’re right. My approach is one sided. Couples are supposed to learn from each other and bring out the best in one another too. 
 

I shouldn’t have to fit in with her lifestyle much in the same way she doesn’t have to fit in with mine, but we can meet in the middle or at least learn a few things from each other. 

[Ellener]

7 hours ago, Logo said:

Couples are supposed to learn from each other and bring out the best in one another too. 

I don't eat fast food, rarely drink, and exercise every day, so a partner for me would need to accept and accomodate that by joining me or we do those things separately and find other stuff in common. When dating it wouldn't matter, when 'married' I don't know, depends on the two people. 

I don't think there are any hard and fast rules about how two people live their lives together so long as they are both content and fulfilled with it.

Personally I don't think a few pounds excess weight is the biggest issue in overall health, it's nutrition and exercise. It's almost impossible to eat junk food and be healthy in the long run though I think and after eating healthy for some time just one salt and additive-laden meal causes nausea for me! Even food considered 'healthy' in many eating places has way too much salt or some element of processed food.

Go for walks, long romantic walks! People often baulk at exercise because they haven't found the right kind or the right intensity for them.

[Logo]

On 1/29/2020 at 11:51 AM, Daisydooks said:

I personally met a number of really sexy men before by fiance who most women would see as a 10/10. Dumb as bloody doorknobs, no bond whatsoever, and vain as vain could be. Sure they were pretty but I wanted to blow the back of my head out when with them 🙄 Gorgeous, hot bodies, typical trophy husband material. But they couldnt spell, keep a conversation going, talk about anything other than sex, were just not well rounded, couldn't use a knife and fork, were rude to strangers, were too touchy (because most women hung all over them,) and were too focused on being at the gym daily to ever better themselves mentally/emotionally. If that makes sense. There was more wrong with that to me than someone with a few extra pounds, and their desire to eat carbs. I could get over that. I couldnt get over vain, rude, dense and horribly boring   

 

I don’t know how you would describe your fiancé. But based on your post, you picked him for some attributes that you found appealing. If I could ask you a personal question, would you say that he is slightly  overweight or overweight, or is it something else that doesn’t make him, based on your post, a 10 out of 10 in the looks department like those other vain men you described? 
 

My question is, when did you first feel that you could think of him as sexy? After how many dates, weeks or months? 

[FMW]

It sounds like you really like this woman, maybe even love her, as a FRIEND.  It sounds like you have a nice emotional connection and have developed an attachment.    

But you shouldn't have to try so hard to be attracted to her physically.  It seems to me you continue to put a LOT of energy into trying to figure out how you can either get her to be what you want her to be, or how you can become physically attracted her as she is.  That just seems like a waste of time that's going to be hurtful to both of you in the end.

It would be different if you had gotten together when she was thin and you were excited about the way she looked, but over time she had put on weight and you wanted to encourage her to lose it.  But this is how she was when you met.  It's highly unlikely you will ever be more attracted to her physically/sexually than you are right now.  So your energy should be on being honest with yourself if you can accept and be happy with her exactly the way she is right now, not on how to get her to change or how to make yourself be attracted to her physically. 

Maybe this is sexist, but I think it's very true.  Women often do grow to find themselves attracted both emotionally and physically to men that at first they saw only as friends.  But I don't recall EVER hearing of a man doing the same.  Men fall in love with women over time, but the sexual attraction is either there or not from the very beginning.  I think hoping otherwise is a losing battle with biology.  

[simpycurious]

Maybe, you replace the WORD motivate with ENCOURAGE 

[Ruby Slippers]

On 1/28/2020 at 5:24 PM, Logo said:

She’s a wonderful person. I’m afraid of changing my mind when I’m too far into the relationship and wasting her time. I like her a lot, but I don’t want to experiment on her time. Women are on a biological clock and I don’t want to take that away from her. Sometimes I feel like she might be better off without me, even if we could have a future together. 

How long have you been together? From what I've seen, heard, and experienced, if a man is having doubts about the longevity of the relationship based on lukewarm physical attraction up front, that's a real issue. It seems to me that physical attraction is way at the top of the list of qualities most men are looking for, and it is what it is, from the get-go.

My boyfriend is in fantastic shape, works out hard pretty much every day for at least at hour or two and eats very clean. I'm pretty fit myself, focusing on getting even more trim and fit and he really inspires me in this department. We discuss our fitness and health goals openly and often. We've agreed that we're highly attracted to each other exactly as we are, and that's obvious by our behavior and sex life. Additional fitness will only be a bonus. 

It would never work if we felt judgment or pressure from each other about our eating and exercise habits. It works because we're attracted to each other as is, and both individually motivated to keep getting better.

Edited February 25, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[Logo]

On 2/24/2020 at 5:31 PM, simpycurious said:

Maybe, you replace the WORD motivate with ENCOURAGE 

Encourage, yes.

[basil67]

But only encourage if she wants to change and wants your support.  

[simpycurious]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

But only encourage if she wants to change and wants your support.  

If that is the case then add the word HELP as well