Lost and insecure. Thousand miles away

[veee]

This is going to be long but I appreciate any responses and suggestions whether nice or harsh.

I met a girl from out of state while vising a friend. We hit it off really well and it looked like she was into me and I was very into her.

After I left we spoke and texted each other daily. Things seemed perfect until she disappeared without an explanation. A few month later she said that she is going to visit my area (her family lives there) and she would really like to see me. When I saw her she apologized for what she did. She was in a terrible relationship before and she was scared of going through what she's been to. In the next few days a purchased a plane ticket to go see her for Christmas.

I came to visit her for Christmas. We had a great time. She knows a lot of people in that small town and literally half the town knew who I was. She told everyone about me. The night before I was about to leave we got into a giant argument which did not make any sense to me at the time. By the end of the argument I learned that she was angry because she didn't know how to deal with the fact that I was leaving. In the end I felt that the argument was totally worth it and it made me realize how much she actually loves me.

Since I left we have been texting and talking on the daily basis until just recently.

Now here is where depression comes into play... I'm depressed, lost, scared and insecure. I was in a relationship before that lasted for about 8 years. It involved drugs, cheating, threats of suicide and suicide attempts, physical violence (on her side), me questioning my every move and apologizing for things I should not have to.

I feel like that relationship is affecting my new relationship with that new girl. I'm scared to say something because I feel that everything I say is pointless and stupid. She is a very strong woman and I feel like a broken mess. I'm terrified. I do have a ticket to go see her again very soon but I just can't stop thinking. I'm depressed and insecure and most likely for no reason what so ever.

Our communication has cut down drastically and I feel that it's my fault. I don't know what to say without overthinking and my mind goes blank when I speak to her.

I think all these insecurities and terrible thoughts are the reason for the lack of communication. I'm a mess. I can't stop thinking. I want to have an amazing conversation with her and I would like to spend an hour taking to her but I have nothing say. Well.. I have a lot to say but not when it matters. I don't know what to do. I want her to understand that I'm going through stuff and I will do my best to get past all that but what if it turns out to be a lie and I'll be just as miserable as ever. Maybe there is no hope for me. I do text her more often than she replies and it drives me crazy. That being said I'm not texting her non stop. Just here and there. Also, when she does reply she says she misses me and asks about my day but I can't stop feeling like I'm being overbearing.

Let me know if clarification needed if you've gotten this far haha. Thanks. I'm depressed, lonely, bitter, scared, lonely and angry and sometimes I wonder if the next life will have something better to offer.

There is so much more... Feel free to dm me and I'll spill my guts out to you if you're interested and/or experienced something similar or ask here if you'd like.

Any comment will do. I'm not expecting a major breakthrough that'll change my life forever. Just thoughts or if anyone else experienced anything even remotely similar to this. If so, if like to hear about it.

There may be a typo here somewhere or something that isn't clear. Let me know where and I'll explain.

Thanks everyone. Hope you're all doing well.

[andytuotuo]

Hi there, 

I am sorry you are going through a hard time now. I can somewhat relate as I am in a similar situation. 
 

Not sure if this will make you feel better, The girl I fell deeply for, did not feel the same way for me and we aren’t even talking anymore. We were also not in the same city. 
 

Ever since after that, I’ve been struggling with extensive depression and anxiety. Some nights I wake up in middle of the night and having mini anxiety attacks. Am I not good enough? My insecurity and low esteem really giving me a hard time. i quitted my job(I didn’t enjoy) and moved back to my home country. I thought running away will make it better but it barely. 
 

You guys are still in talking and in relative good terms. You’re going to visit her. Don’t be like me, don’t let insecurity & emotions get you! it will make you do  and say stupid things that you will regard. I learned it the hard way. My suggestion will be, talk to friends and family about your situation, try to gain some insights and opinion. One thing to do is to think ‘what will a confident, mature, secure person will do in these situations?’ once you think you’re ready, be honest with her and ask all the questions you have. I.e. How do you feel about our relationship? Are we gonna make a plan to close our distance at some point?’ 
 

One thing to remember!!!!! DO NOT MAKE ANY DECISION WITHOUT ASKING HER OPINION!!!

I wish I could have gone back and talk to her before I made my decisions. You guys are partners and are in this together. Show her respect you guys both deserve. 
 

Whatever decisions she makes or how you come to terms, be cool, confident and tell her you respect her decisions( good or bad). Understand any relationship takes 2 people being part of it. She is her own person and Do Not Force Anything. Do Not Beg, plead or do anything that will damage her respect for you. even if you feel emotions, talk to your friends& family about it! Give each other space and time! 
if you feel like you can’t control yourself to contact her, leave your phone at home, smash your phone, give your phone to your friends.

 

just something I wish I could have done differently. Good luck and hopefully you guys work out on good mucui