How do you get over someone you work with?

[Rainmkr555]

9 hours ago, JPT0918 said:

But I have to go by the reality of the situation and not some made up" hoping  crap" in my head.

So you still work with her. She’s apparently seeing someone else. Some guy much younger than her. And it’s not really bothering you? How is that possible man? 

And you say she’s 39? How old are you? I myself am 39 as well but this woman I’m insanely obsessed over is 48. I don’t know how old this guy she’s going away with is but she did tell me that he is “much older” than she is.

This woman came into my office yesterday for her 1x a week visit btw. She was there for only 10 minutes as always. She came by my desk and said hello. I looked at her and her semi cheerful expression immediately changed when she saw my face and how sad I was. She asked me a couple of work related questions and then came over to me and just put her hand on my arm and then left. I of course immediately felt upset, angry, and sad when she left. We didn’t talk for the rest of the day. 

[JPT0918]

On 1/25/2020 at 5:03 AM, Rainmkr555 said:

So you still work with her. She’s apparently seeing someone else. Some guy much younger than her. And it’s not really bothering you? How is that possible man? 

And you say she’s 39? How old are you? I myself am 39 as well but this woman I’m insanely obsessed over is 48. I don’t know how old this guy she’s going away with is but she did tell me that he is “much older” than she is.

This woman came into my office yesterday for her 1x a week visit btw. She was there for only 10 minutes as always. She came by my desk and said hello. I looked at her and her semi cheerful expression immediately changed when she saw my face and how sad I was. She asked me a couple of work related questions and then came over to me and just put her hand on my arm and then left. I of course immediately felt upset, angry, and sad when she left. We didn’t talk for the rest of the day. 

I'm 55, and yes she is seeing someone else (M24). It does bother me. had it not been for life experiences (divorce), I would be suffering immensely right now.

I truly believe in my self worth.  There was nothing I did that caused her to pursue this guy. we hardly fought, we shared many a great moments, and I gave her all the security a girl could hope for. It was something deep rooted in her. I had to take a step back and realize no matter what I do she has to do what she has to do. So, I know I have to turn  my focus on myself. and as best as I can let them be. 

She still wants me in her life. As she says to join her in this journey of transition. That is why I'm reluctant to be so so reactive to everything. Because I know she is struggling with some major issues which transcends our relationship. I don't think she ever wanted to  be in the position she is right now.

I think you need to find a way to snap out of your obsession. I mean she's giving you 10 mins a week. She's like a warden checking up on her inmate. toying with you. I wold be angry if I were you. She probably looks at you with disgust and glee at the same time. Commit to turning the tables on her by going no contact.

People always press others to go complete no contact. and to be honest it works. I went 2 weeks no contact with mine for the purpose of regaining my senses and it works. you need to get your focus back on yourself. can't stress this enough.

 

 

I believe she will come crawling back with massive regret. and if she doesn't I will just have to live with it. too.

[Rainmkr555]

One thing I forgot to mention, and I'm aware that some of you may think this is childish on my part, but when this woman goes away to the Bahamas next month with this guy, she'll be going during my 40th birthday.  When I initially mentioned this to her she reacted as if she had not even thought about that.  She then went on to say that she doesn't think I would have asked her to celebrate my birthday with her anyway.  I told her that she is wrong and that I was hoping we could have gone to dinner or something because it is kind of a big birthday.  She acknowledged that it is a big birthday and told me don't worry, she'll still send me a text that day wishing me happy birthday.  

I told her "yea great!" That's EXACTLY what I'm dying for!  A birthday text from her while she's down there in that island paradise doing God knows what with that guy!

Anyway, I did not talk to her all weekend but obviously she and this whole situation was on my mind 90% of the time.  I am literally being tortured by this woman.  The more I thought about it, the more angry and upset I get.  I'm so angry that I am thinking of calling her this week and really emphasizing to her how crappy I think it is that she's going away with this guy during a big birthday for me. 

When I call her, I was thinking of saying something like this:                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        "Can I ask you something? When this guy told you that he wanted to pay for you to go with him to the Bahamas during my birthday week....did you stop for even ONE SECOND and think about ME and how much it would hurt me? Did ANY PART of you say to yourself, 'I know how much this trip is going to hurt him, and it's going to be even worse for him if I go during that week.  Maybe I should tell this guy to schedule the trip to another week.' Did ANY part of you think about this AT ALL???

Should I make this call?  What do you think her reaction will be?  I already know that virtually all of you are going to tell me to not make that call.  But I'm just sooo angry and upset at her and I very much want at least a part of her to feel guilty about all this pain she's causing me.  

[kendahke]

Don't waste time with that. It's so beta.

She doesn't give an eff about your 40th birthday because she doesn't care that much for you--- if she did, none of this would be going on and she'd be spending that time with you and not another younger man-- and you're too old to be acting like you don't see this for what it is.

Sack up and get through it.

The very reason that you're angry and upset is all the more reason to never do anything that will lead you in the direction you don't want to go in behind some messy angry/upset emotion/rhetoric.  She's not going to feel anything she doesn't choose to feel of her own volition. Stop with that "I can control her" nonsense. No. You can't.

Block her/ignore her/move on. You're 40. It's time to act like it.

Edited January 27, 2020 by kendahke

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, Rainmkr555 said:

One thing I forgot to mention, and I'm aware that some of you may think this is childish on my part, but when this woman goes away to the Bahamas next month with this guy, she'll be going during my 40th birthday. 

Childish doesn't begin to describe it and as for that call, are you insane?
She is a 48yo woman going on a lovely holiday with a man she likes, she is ALLOWED to do that.

This is NONE of your business, stay away.
Does she care that it is your birthday?
NO, why would she? 
She has made it clear, she doesn't want you, you need to take that on the chin and act like a grown man.

[Rainmkr555]

37 minutes ago, kendahke said:

if she did, none of this would be going on and she'd be spending that time with you and not another younger man-- and you're too old to be acting like you don't see this for what it is.

The guy she's going with is actually "much older" than she is she says.

What do you mean when you say "you don't see this for what it is"?

[Rainmkr555]

21 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

She is a 48yo woman going on a lovely holiday with a man she likes, she is ALLOWED to do that.

Yes thank you, I understand that she is "allowed" to do that.  She's doing whatever she wants already and at the expense of MY PAIN as well trust me. 

I'm not sure if you fully read my OP, but she is NOT innocent in all this. Yes she has verbalized to me many times over the years that she only wants friendship from me and she feels "no chemistry" with me and is "not attracted" to me.  But her ACTIONS over the years have said the EXACT OPPOSITE.  

[elaine567]

She had sex with you only three times  in three years and since Dec 2016 nothing at all.
All the rest is just talking.
What kind of an ACTION is that?
Meanwhile she has dated others and is now going off on vacation with her current love interest...

When people really want you, they do not act like that.
You have to at some point face reality.
 

[Rainmkr555]

32 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

She had sex with you only three times  in three years and since Dec 2016 nothing at all.
All the rest is just talking.
What kind of an ACTION is that?

Yes this is true. But in 2018 she was being VERY sexual with me verbally.  On at least 4 different occasions in the summer of 2018 she sent me VERY sexy photos of herself in only her underwear. And she did this all by HER OWN CHOICE without me even asking.  There were also a few evenings that summer where me and her basically had cyber sex through texting. Sometimes when she would go out with her friends, she would text me and tell me (again ON HER OWN) what kind of panties she was wearing.  When we were planning a night out that summer, she was asking me what I want her to wear. I told her how about a short skirt, and her reply was "sure, and how about I wear no panties too?" Again, this was ALL HER.  Another time, she went out to some party with her daughter, she was texting me and kinda drunk, she said that she was pretty drunk and if I was there I'd be able to do anything I wanted with her.  She went to Mexico with her girlfriends that summer as well.  Every single day she would send me pictures of her in the bikini she was wearing that day and flirting with me about what we would do together if I was down there.  Why would she do all that if she never wanted to be with me? 

Do you understand now why her actions have made me soo confused and why I am as hurt as I am? 

[elaine567]

This is not any indication she has any romantic interest in you.

This sounds like a woman who loves attention, and loves to get you all wound up sexually.  You validate her.
All talk no action.

When people are actually interested, there is NO confusion.

[Rainmkr555]

4 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

This is not any indication she has any romantic interest in you.

This sounds like a woman who loves attention, and loves to get you all wound up sexually.  You validate her.
All talk no action.

When people are actually interested, there is NO confusion.

You’re right. I know that...

How do I get over this pain then? She was just here again this morning. She said hello to me and at first I didn’t respond. She then said “Hellooooooo”, clearly annoyed with my woe is me demeanor I guess. I just said hello back and that was it. 

I literally feel so broken inside. I really want to text or call her but I’ve resisted the urge. I feel like my world is ending because of this situation...

[elaine567]

"Unrequited love" hurts like hell.
Google it for ways to get over it.
Basically you need to accept it is over and grieve that loss and try to get her out of your life as much as possible.
I know you work together and it won't be easy for you, but a new job and a change of scene may help a lot.  

 

[kendahke]

On 1/27/2020 at 11:10 AM, Rainmkr555 said:

The guy she's going with is actually "much older" than she is she says.

That's non sequitur

Quote

What do you mean when you say "you don't see this for what it is"?

I mean you don't see this for what it is.

[Rainmkr555]

1 hour ago, kendahke said:I mean you don't see this for what it is.

.....

I just asked you what you meant by I don’t see this for what it is and you replied saying I don’t see this for what it is? Lol 

Can you EXPLAIN please what you mean by that?

[Rainmkr555]

1 hour ago, kendahke said:

That's non sequitur

What are you saying here as well? That it does not make sense that I am 9 years younger than her but she is dating a guy who is “much older” than her now? I really appreciate you replying but I need more specifics on what you mean please.

[kendahke]

18 hours ago, Rainmkr555 said:

.....

I just asked you what you meant by I don’t see this for what it is and you replied saying I don’t see this for what it is? Lol 

Can you EXPLAIN please what you mean by that?

On 1/27/2020 at 8:51 AM, Rainmkr555 said:

I am so attracted to this woman...  I am INSANELY attracted to her beauty.

She has also dated a couple of different guys over the past 6 years of our special friendship as well.  Each time I found out, I would get soooo jealous and upset and sad.  I would ask her why she won't date ME? And she always says that she has "no chemistry" with me and that she is "not attracted" to me. 

She knows I'm upset and we talked and she says she is sorry I am hurt but there is nothing she can do.  She always says that she wishes she could be with me because she knows I would treat her good but she's just not attracted to me.  

 I looked at her and her semi cheerful expression immediately changed when she saw my face and how sad I was. She asked me a couple of work related questions and then came over to me and just put her hand on my arm and then left.

when this woman goes away to the Bahamas next month with this guy, she'll be going during my 40th birthday.  When I initially mentioned this to her she reacted as if she had not even thought about that.  She then went on to say that she doesn't think I would have asked her to celebrate my birthday with her anyway.  I told her that she is wrong and that I was hoping we could have gone to dinner or something because it is kind of a big birthday.  She acknowledged that it is a big birthday and told me don't worry, she'll still send me a text that day wishing me happy birthday.  

She totally hooked me with sex yes.

It means: She has your nose wide open.  (Since you'll be asking: To have your nose wide open for someone else is an analogy to indicate that they (the other person) have you right where they want you. As if to completely submit/lose yourself to the other person.)

You're wanting something from her that she's not interested in reciprocating and her behavior has buttressed that disinterest on her part at every turn---that's why she went on this vacation with this guy during your birthday and didn't skip a beat. She told you she'll toss you a bone, but she's going on this trip to the Bahamas despite what you think/feel.  I can smell her disinterest from here.

The fact that she has sex with you 3 times has nothing to do with her heart and emotions being engaged... it was a tension releaser for her, not the beginnings of a love affair. 

THAT is what I mean by you not seeing this for what it is.

18 hours ago, Rainmkr555 said:

What are you saying here as well? That it does not make sense that I am 9 years younger than her but she is dating a guy who is “much older” than her now? I really appreciate you replying but I need more specifics on what you mean please.

Quote

 

non sequitur

noun

 an inference or a conclusion that does not follow from the premise.

 

How old he is is not the issue--it's the fact that he's a priority to her--enough of one with whom to go out of the country during a milestone event for you.

You have been demoted/dismissed from that position on her priority list.

 

Edited January 29, 2020 by kendahke

[schlumpy]

How do you get over it?

You tell her at the office, text her, over the phone, or through the mail that you want to move on and would appreciate her help by minimizing all contact between the two of you. You say it quietly and without emotion. Then dump her phone number and flush her out of your online media.

Once you can do that you will have taken a large step forward in getting over this one-sided relationship.

Good luck

[Rainmkr555]

Well it’s been a couple of weeks since anyone has replied to this post and I just wanted to give a little update.

As I had mentioned in my OP, this woman I am infatuated, obsessed, in love with was going to the Bahamas this month with this other guy. Well, that day has finally come and this morning both of them jetted off down to their island paradise together.

i’ve tried to be friendly with her over the past couple of weeks. In fact, this past Tuesday me and her met for lunch. I had a whole plan going into that lunch. I was going to try to come off as confidence and calm and act like this doesn’t bother me at all. I wasn’t even going to plan on mentioning this other guy. I had watched some YouTube videos on how to re-attract a woman even when she’s seeing someone else and I thought that it might work. But of course as I started having more drinks and then she on her own of course mentioned this other guy, my plan slowly went out the window and I returned to the weak sensitive and hurt man I’ve been this whole time.

it was still a nice lunch and we had a good time and I can tell that she really does care for me. But, at the same time she obviously is very interested in this other man and likes him very much.

I guess she could see that I was getting hurt and upset because we ended up holding hands right there at the table for a few minutes as well. I know she really cares about me as a good friend but I unfortunately I want much more than that and she clearly does not.

My birthday is on Monday and yesterday Friday she came to the office and gave me a very nice birthday card with some very nice sentiments that she wrote inside. Telling me how she’s so thankful that I’ve been “patient” with her and that I’m always here for her and that she cares about me and that she sees me having a very bright future. Of course in her eyes that future does not include me. But the card was still nice anyway.

Next week is going to be extremely hard for me. In fact last night I texted her and asked her if she understands that next week is going to be absolute hell for me. She said she does understand that. But what difference does that make right? All I’m going to be thinking about now is her down there looking amazing in different bikinis for him, going out for nice romantic dinners with him, spending obviously day and night with him, and of course being tortured by the fact that they will be having sex every single night.

I guess it really is truly finally finally finally finally time to move on from this woman. Because it’s clear her feelings are never going to change even if it does not work out with this latest guy.

And like I mentioned earlier, I literally do feel like I’m in hell because of the situation.
 

 

[preraph]

You are really throwing a lot of "you owe me" at her. I'm surprised she hasn't just completely stopped talking to you.  Your birthday and your feelings are not HER problem.  She has told you where you stand and your feelings are your problem.  I'm sure she, more than anyone, is thinking why hasn't this guy given up and moved on.  I'm really surprised she still coddles you about it.  You really need to get into therapy or get another job.  She is under no obligation to put YOUR feelings first.  

[Rainmkr555]

26 minutes ago, preraph said:You are really throwing a lot of "you owe me" at her. I'm surprised she hasn't just completely stopped talking to you.  Your birthday and your feelings are not HER problem.  She has told you where you stand and your feelings are your problem.  I'm sure she, more than anyone, is thinking why hasn't this guy given up and moved on.  I'm really surprised she still coddles you about it.  You really need to get into therapy or get another job.  She is under no obligation to put YOUR feelings first.  

I didn’t force her to go have a nice lunch with me this past Tuesday though. I didn’t force her to write the extremely nice sentiments she wrote to me in the birthday card she gave me yesterday. I didn’t force her during that lunch on Tuesday to start holding my hand right there at the table. She did this all on HER OWN.
 

In your opinion why does she still coddle me then? You’re claiming that she desperately wants me to just move on and stop bothering her right? Then why is she meeting me for lunch, writing very nice sentiments to me in a birthday card, holding my hand, and still reaching out to me? Can you explain it?

[schlumpy]

16 minutes ago, Rainmkr555 said:

IIn your opinion why does she still coddle me then? You’re claiming that she desperately wants me to just move on and stop bothering her right? Then why is she meeting me for lunch, writing very nice sentiments to me in a birthday card, holding my hand, and still reaching out to me? Can you explain it?

I can explain it.

She's doing it for her ego. She likes the idea that she can make you dance. She can kick you and then with one kind word you come crawling back. It's an amazing power to have over another human being and very difficult to resist using. I'm sure you've seen it exercised during your lifetime but It looks and feels different when you are the victim.

Tell me. Is she the only woman in the world? Is there no other woman that you can find to date?

One day in the future you are not going to like yourself one bit when you look back on this period in your life.

[preraph]

Honestly, she sounds like a jerk.  And I do think you're being pushy with her.  You've told us more than one time recently that you've acted sullen and pouty like a child.     That part about her sending you photos, that's just skanky.  It sounds more like something a sex worker would do.  And I'm sorry, but YES, you did guilt the crap out of her to get something for your birthday!  She wasn't about to!  She was going off with her bf. 

She sounds like she's just trying to smooth your feathers because you work together.  What kind of work is this that you can even get away with this?  What is her position relative to your position?  

Edited February 23, 2020 by preraph

[kendahke]

So many bones you can make bone broth...

[Rainmkr555]

14 hours ago, schlumpy said:

Tell me. Is she the only woman in the world? Is there no other woman that you can find to date?

Obviously she’s not the only woman in this world. I have tried to find someone else trust me. But my infatuation and obsession with this one woman makes me feel that no other woman even comes close to comparing to her.

Seriously. I even play this game where I go on tinder and look for women in her age bracket and see if I can find even ONE other woman who I think is more attractive than she is.....and I never can.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve tried to guilt and pity her into want to being with me. All that gets me is her being very caring and understanding at first and then her becoming irritated.

I’ve tried being strong and acting like this doesn’t bother me and told her I’m happy for her (in hopes of re-attracting her). All that gets me is her being happy for me and hoping that I find “someone special” one day.

I tried not even talking to her for about 2 weeks. I didn’t even text her about work issues. I just sent her messages about work through our internal messaging system. I did this in hopes she may start missing me. And all that got me was ME missing her immensely and calling her after 2 weeks and her proceeding to tell me that she wasn’t really bothered by us not talking the past 2 weeks.

There’s just no way out or escape for me from this pain....

And no I cannot find another job. 

Edited February 23, 2020 by Rainmkr555

[kendahke]

3 hours ago, Rainmkr555 said:

I even play this game where I go on tinder and look for women in her age bracket and see if I can find even ONE other woman who I think is more attractive than she is...

so it's more about looks for you than the kind of personality and character a woman has and how she treats you...

Quote

I’ve tried to guilt and pity her into want to being with me. All that gets me is her being very caring and understanding at first and then her becoming irritated.

That is usually the reaction from someone who knows that you are game playing. Guilt and pity don't work on someone who doesn't feel that for you.

Quote

I tried not even talking to her for about 2 weeks. I didn’t even text her about work issues. I just sent her messages about work through our internal messaging system. I did this in hopes she may start missing me.And all that got me was ME missing her immensely and calling her after 2 weeks and her proceeding to tell me that she wasn’t really bothered by us not talking the past 2 weeks.

She has to first have those feelings for you for this to work and she doesn't and won't.

You have to accept that with this woman, you're not going to get your way. Doesn't matter what game you cook up to play, it's wasted energy on your part.

That is your starting point.

Quote

And no I cannot find another job.

Then I suggest you lay off before she goes to HR about you harassing her for a relationship.

Edited February 23, 2020 by kendahke