How do you get over someone you work with?

[elaine567]

3 hours ago, Rainmkr555 said:

I’ve tried to guilt and pity her into want to being with me. All that gets me is her being very caring and understanding at first and then her becoming irritated.

I’ve tried being strong and acting like this doesn’t bother me and told her I’m happy for her (in hopes of re-attracting her). All that gets me is her being happy for me and hoping that I find “someone special” one day.

I tried not even talking to her for about 2 weeks. I didn’t even text her about work issues. I just sent her messages about work through our internal messaging system. I did this in hopes she may start missing me. And all that got me was ME missing her immensely and calling her after 2 weeks and her proceeding to tell me that she wasn’t really bothered by us not talking the past 2 weeks.

Bottom line she doesn't want you. 
You can "try" every manipulative strategy you can think of till kingdom come but the woman is not interested in having you as a lover/bf/husband/partner.
These "tricks" only work if you are dealing with interested people, and even then they may get pissed off as no-one really likes to be "tricked". 
You can't make people love you.

 

[schlumpy]

Get some good photos of your fantasy girl friend. Go to a sex doll manufacturer and give him the photos along with whatever measurements you would like. You actually could improve her.

Wait a few weeks and it will be delivered in a brown paper shipping container to protect your privacy.

Now she will be all yours forever and ever for less then ten thousand dollars.

[Rainmkr555]

2 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

Get some good photos of your fantasy girl friend. Go to a sex doll manufacturer and give him the photos along with whatever measurements you would like. You actually could improve her.

Wait a few weeks and it will be delivered in a brown paper shipping container to protect your privacy.

Now she will be all yours forever and ever for less then ten thousand dollars.

Hilarious. And while I’m sure you’ll get some “likes” for your nice witty comment from all the other regular posters.....in the end sarcastic comments like that do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to help me at all. Which is the SOLE REASON why I posted this very personal story on this public forum in the first place. So that I can get HELP with this (FOR ME) very heartbreaking chapter in my life.

[d0nnivain]

You need better self talk surrounding this woman.  You have put her on a pedestal & built her up to your ideal woman.  You claim she's beautiful & a nice person. 

That is not what I see at all.  I see an outwardly pretty woman who knows she's attractive who uses her looks to get men, like you, to do her bidding.  She loves the attention she gets from you but doesn't give one whit about you.  She knows that if she crooks her little finger you will come running no matter how many times she kicks you in the teeth & uses you for her own amusement & pleasure.  Not only doesn't she feel attracted to you, she actually thinks you are beneath her & less then a man because it's so easy for her to manipulate you.  You are behaving like the classic doormat, letting her walk all over you. 

I say all that not to hurt you but to get you to open your eyes to the reality of the situation & hopefully to piss you off enough that it propels you forward away from her.  

Start by making a list including what I said about her & the other bad things other people have pointed out.  Add to it every negative thing she has ever said to you that hurt your feelings.  Make several copies of that list.  Keep one in your bedroom, one in your desk drawer, one on your phone, one in your car.  Whenever you feel weak, read it.  Then remind yourself you deserve better -- somebody who's inner beauty actually matches the outer shell.  

[Rainmkr555]

10 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You need better self talk surrounding this woman.  You have put her on a pedestal & built her up to your ideal woman.  You claim she's beautiful & a nice person. 

That is not what I see at all.  I see an outwardly pretty woman who knows she's attractive who uses her looks to get men, like you, to do her bidding.  She loves the attention she gets from you but doesn't give one whit about you.  She knows that if she crooks her little finger you will come running no matter how many times she kicks you in the teeth & uses you for her own amusement & pleasure.  Not only doesn't she feel attracted to you, she actually thinks you are beneath her & less then a man because it's so easy for her to manipulate you.  You are behaving like the classic doormat, letting her walk all over you. 

I say all that not to hurt you but to get you to open your eyes to the reality of the situation & hopefully to piss you off enough that it propels you forward away from her.  

Start by making a list including what I said about her & the other bad things other people have pointed out.  Add to it every negative thing she has ever said to you that hurt your feelings.  Make several copies of that list.  Keep one in your bedroom, one in your desk drawer, one on your phone, one in your car.  Whenever you feel weak, read it.  Then remind yourself you deserve better -- somebody who's inner beauty actually matches the outer shell.  

I appreciate this entire post. I will try my best to follow your advice. Thank you.

Today is my birthday and I know she will be texting me at some point. But she’ll obviously be texting from the Bahamas where she’s on vacation with this guy....

How exactly should I reply to her text? I was thinking of just saying “Thanks” and that’s it. Nothing more.

[schlumpy]

13 hours ago, Rainmkr555 said:

Hilarious. And while I’m sure you’ll get some “likes” for your nice witty comment from all the other regular posters.....in the end sarcastic comments like that do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to help me at all. Which is the SOLE REASON why I posted this very personal story on this public forum in the first place. So that I can get HELP with this (FOR ME) very heartbreaking chapter in my life.

I admit I found this approach amusing but although I was firmly tongue in cheek the post had two purposes.

The first use was as a probe. I wanted to see how much of your rational mind was still functioning and it's more then I expected. Your response was clear with "NO CONFUSION" which means you have the means to control your actions. The filter you use to interpret the world around you is not broken, you are just refusing to use it when it comes to the "perfect woman." You need the right corrective action to get you to move past her.

Corrective action may entail a beating from her new boy friend or HR handing you a severance check. You can change that likely scenario by using the same mental focus that you used to defend yourself against my post and quit interacting with someone who is using you.

The second purpose of my post was to offer a semi-serious solution to your problem. Getting over rejection from someone you love can be compared to grief over the death of a loved one. People who have mental trauma from long term grief have been buying dolls that look like their deceased partner. They are not taking them out on dates but in the home they provide comfort until they can get by the death on their own. It stands to reason that you could do the same.

I think it shouldn't be in your top ten options list on how to get over the "perfect woman" at work but considering your obsession, it may placate your emotions enough for that rational part of your mind to re-establish itself.

Other then that, feel free to punish yourself.

Are you sure you want a relationship? By choosing someone who is unavailable it lends credence to the idea that you are using it as an excuse to avoid exactly what you say you want.

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, Rainmkr555 said:

Today is my birthday and I know she will be texting me at some point. But she’ll obviously be texting from the Bahamas where she’s on vacation with this guy....

How exactly should I reply to her text? I was thinking of just saying “Thanks” and that’s it. Nothing more.

Happy Birthday   When you blow out your candles wish to be over her. 

As for how to respond, Don't!  I'm serious.  You let her jerk your chain.  You have to communicate for work but everything else is now off the table.  No small talk about anything.  

For your sake I hope she actually forgets & doesn't text you.  You really need to see her for the person she is -- destructive to you.  

[Morello]

Like it was said here before, in a few months (hopefully not years) you will come back to read what you wrote and you will be VERY embarrassed about all of this.

You are being completely unreasonable, saying that you are guilt tripping her and making her feel guilty and than saying that you didn't force her to be nice with you. Women are nice people, they don't like people to hate them. They're nurturing.

She might be doing those things just because you are so fragile now that she's stepping on eggshells.

Get yourself a backbone and tell her you will stop contacting her (unless it's clearly about work) and that she should do the same, and wish her a good life and give her at least one full year without any contact that is not clearly on business terms. This will make you heal much faster. Don't act like she's your friend. She's not. She is the person who just dumped to go ride another guy. And you're entertaining lunches with her... boosting her ego and destroying yours in the mean time.

Right now this is one of the most painful to watch threads on this forum. Sorry to be blunt but you're clearly not seeing beyond a centimeter in front of your eyes.

 

Edited February 24, 2020 by Morello

[ChatroomHero]

11 hours ago, Rainmkr555 said:

I appreciate this entire post. I will try my best to follow your advice. Thank you.

Today is my birthday and I know she will be texting me at some point. But she’ll obviously be texting from the Bahamas where she’s on vacation with this guy....

How exactly should I reply to her text? I was thinking of just saying “Thanks” and that’s it. Nothing more.

I can tell you the easy solution but you have to decide to take it and honestly employ it...I just want to point out one of the things you do to torture yourself though. She is in the Bahamas, with another guy and you are planning how you will respond when she texts you. How destroyed will you be if/when she doesn't text you because newsflash, she could likely care less that it is your birthday and unless you or Facebook remind her, she probably won't even know. Planning for her to text about your birthday like you are someone special in her life, special enough that she would think about you while on vacation with some other dude, in the Bahamas, is setting yourself up for torture. Notice what i wrote...SETTING YOURSELF up for torture. I mean, if you were on vacation in the Bahamas with your dream girl, would you be all that worried about texting your 3rd cousin on their birthday?

Here's your solution though:

You haven't realistically thought about the situation, you need to employ realism when you analyze things. I guarantee you have never honestly sat down and thought out your relationship based on reality or had a realistic vision of what your future would be.

Let's say she says, "Rainmkr, you are the best. I want to marry you. I want to be with you. I want to have your children". Great. Yay. Now think of the reality of it...4 years down the road, she is STILL not attracted to you. Your sex life with her will be maybe once every 6 months when she is drunk and horny or lonely or wants another kid. You'll come home and see her NOT wanting you... Every. Single. Day. For 4 years at that point. You'll hear her talk about a movie star or co-worker that is sooo attractive, but never about you the same way. You have kids and she will say what a great dad you are, how you support your family, how you are very handy around the house. NEVER about how she loves and adores you and how you totally 'do it' for her. Each and every day you have to confront this and deal with this. Each day you have to be reminded overwhelmingly that she would rather be with someone else if only by what she doesn't do.

If you are out on the town hanging with friends at a bar, she will NEVER, EVER whisper in your ear, "Baby, you turn me on and make me hot! Find an excuse to get us out of here and get me home now so I can rock your world!". You will NEVER go on a vacation with her where you are on the beach at dusk and you ask her a question and when she doesn't respond you turn to her and notice she is just staring at you with "that look" that makes your stomach jump. You are NEVER going to overhear her say something to her friends when she thinks you are not around like, "I am so hot for him I feel like I might pass out sometimes. I get butterflies every time he calls, even after 4 years". She's NEVER going to see you stressed from work and tired and going to come up and rub your back and shoulders and breath in your ear.

If you think about the reality of it, it would be more torture than you feel now. If you really think about the reality, you would realize how depressing it would be to have basically 0% of your needs met by a relationship. You would be forced to think about the fact that you could never live like that, nor would you want to live like that in reality. It wouldn't be this perfect picture of bliss, you would know in reality you would probably hate her and lose all attraction to her in a short time. So your answer is instead of romanticizing, sit down and really think about the real situation you would be in if she actually agreed to be with you.

What you're doing is thinking about a future with her and her being into you. What you need to do is think about a future with her and her not being into you. When you decide to do that, you'll be able to move on.

[Rainmkr555]

 

Thanks guys for all your recent replies. Some of them have been very long and detailed and I greatly appreciate that.

Well she did end up texting me this past Monday for my birthday. Just like I knew she would. She texted me so early as well. It was like 7:45 in the morning where she is when she sent me that birthday text. Obviously as soon as she woke up she remembered. She sent me a nice text saying happy birthday and she even called me by this little pet name that we call each other sometimes. She ended it with a kiss emoji as well....

But honestly this whole situation has me so hurt and so angry that her text meant nothing to me. And part of me really didn’t want her to text me anyway. Because I know that she’s sending me that text from down there with HIM. She had already been down there for 2 nights and the only thought that kept running around in my head was how many times did she have sex with this guy over those past 2 nights. It just made me infuriated.

So I just replied with a simple “thanks”. No smiley emoji or anything. She then asked me how my night out with my friends went for my birthday over the weekend. I just told her it went fine I guess. And then she said “You guess ??”.

I sarcastically replied “Best and happiest birthday I have ever had in my life”. She then replied “Sorry...” and I said “I’m sure. No reason for me to ask how your time is going down there. Because I already know the answer. You’re having the best time of your life and you’re extremely happy. I’m happy for you. :)”

She just said thanks. Basically confirming what I had just said. So I replied with: “Well....say hi to your boyfriend for me and tell him thank you for helping to make my birthday so wonderful this year lol. I’m sure it’s beautiful down there and I hope you guys have had great weather so far. Been sunny most of the time?”

She never replied again. I know she started out being very nice with the text wishing me happy birthday but I’m just so furious at her. And now it’s Wednesday and 2 more nights have passed and I’m sure she’s had sex with this guy multiple times more.

It just is driving me crazy. I literally feel like I have a hole right in the middle of my chest and down to my stomach. It’s crazy. This whole situation is like physically harming me...

 

[kendahke]

All that told me is that you're a 55 year old man throwing a tantrum because you can't have your way and she's not going to waste her time trying to soothe you.

You think your tack works on her, but she knows how to get your goat every. single. time. leaving you madder than before you started down the destructive path.

She's never going to play the role you want her to play, so why do you keep confirming to her that the path she's taken is the right one--when she knows it already?

 

1 hour ago, Rainmkr555 said:

This whole situation is like physically harming me..

Look in the mirror---that's who's causing all the harm.

 

 

 

 

[Rainmkr555]

11 minutes ago, kendahke said:

She's never going to play the role you want her to play, so why do you keep confirming to her that the path she's taken is the right one--when she knows it already?

How exactly do I keep confirming this for her and, no matter how slim the chance may be, what can I do to make her see otherwise? And please don’t just say “nothing”. Even if there’s a 0.000001% chance.....I’d like to know what it is.

Edited February 26, 2020 by Rainmkr555

[basil67]

Following that sarcastic text you sent, I'd say that any chance is lower than ever.   If a guy ever had a tiny chance with me, a text like that would have me block him.

Edited to add: I just realised that you also did the sarcasm thing when she told you she'd be going to the Bahamas during your birthday celebrations.   Clearly she's got a higher threshold for your tantrums than I would have.   But I maintain that you're well on the way to finding yourself removed from her life.   

Edited February 26, 2020 by basil67

[Rainmkr555]

5 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Following that sarcastic text you sent, I'd say that any chance is lower than ever.   If a guy ever had a tiny chance with me, a text like that would have me block him.

 “Best and happiest birthday I have ever had in my life”
This sarcastic text you mean?

[basil67]

Yes, the text you described as being sarcastic. 

[Rainmkr555]

11 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Yes, the text you described as being sarcastic. 

Did you by any chance read my OP at all? Or any of my subsequent replies describing how else she has acted towards me over the years? You find no fault at all in her behavior and how she has acted towards me over the years?

[basil67]

Her reactions now are related to her feelings now.   Past history is irrelevant to the decisions she makes today.   Do you think that displays of petulant behaviour will make her rethink whether she's made a poor choice in not having a relationship with you?

And if she is an awful cow who's done dreadful things to you, why do you still want her?  

Edited February 26, 2020 by basil67

[preraph]

16 minutes ago, basil67 said:

And if she is an awful cow who's done dreadful things to you, why do you still want her?  

^ The million dollar question.

[basil67]

@Rainmkr555, I have reconsidered how the past impacts her decisions today and you have a point about the past being relevant.

Let's imagine that she sees your hurt and starts to reflect on her past behaviour.   She recognises that she's led you on.  She even takes some blame for your current petulant behaviour.   Now, given that she has no desire to be with you in a relationship, the only reasonable decision she could make is to set you free by ceasing friendly contact with you.  

[Rainmkr555]

53 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Her reactions now are related to her feelings now.   Past history is irrelevant to the decisions she makes today.   Do you think that displays of petulant behaviour will make her rethink whether she's made a poor choice in not having a relationship with you?

And if she is an awful cow who's done dreadful things to you, why do you still want her?  

But in your opinion has she been an awful cow to me do you think? Has her behavior of constantly flirting with me over the years, having sex with me on three different occasions, sending me all these sexy photos of her self over the years and at the same time while she’s doing these things telling me she’s not attracted to me and has no chemistry with me, is that awful behavior on her part would you say?

she even asked me recently would I have her (and she was talking hypothetically here obviously) even after all she has done to me? She actually asked me that. And I just replied to her that love is blind.

Edited February 26, 2020 by Rainmkr555

[basil67]

It doesn't matter what I think of her behaviour because this is about you.   You're old enough to have the life experience to make your own decision on what behaviour you find acceptable

[Marc878]

You are nothing more than an orbiter to her.

Until you learn to ignore you’ll keep yourself tied up in this. Make no mistake there is no reward here. Just an endless trail of breadcrumbs. Stop biting

She’s not the problem. You are.

 

[Rainmkr555]

3 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

You are nothing more than an orbiter to her.

Until you learn to ignore you’ll keep yourself tied up in this. Make no mistake there is no reward here. Just an endless trail of breadcrumbs. Stop biting

She’s not the problem. You are.

 

So how exactly do I proceed then? Especially next week when she’s back at work? I am being overwhelmed with feelings of resentment and jealousy towards her over this trip. And honestly in every dealing I’m going to have with her next week.....in the back of my mind all I’ll be thinking about is her on this trip with this guy and about god knows what they did with each other.

[basil67]

You proceed by telling her that you need to make your relationship strictly professional so that you can regain your equilibrium.  This means unfriending on social media and no contact outside of work hours.   If need be, you find a new job.

[Marc878]

1 hour ago, Rainmkr555 said:

So how exactly do I proceed then? Especially next week when she’s back at work? I am being overwhelmed with feelings of resentment and jealousy towards her over this trip. And honestly in every dealing I’m going to have with her next week.....in the back of my mind all I’ll be thinking about is her on this trip with this guy and about god knows what they did with each other.

You back off everything and keep work related contact at a professional level. Civil but distant.

Zero contact other than work. Learn to ignore. You don’t owe her a thing. Good god man she’s dating others, going on vacation, etc. There is nothing for you there.

Stop living on hopium and move on. She sure doesn’t have a problem doing that. Does she?
 

She’s got other guys yet you act like a puppet on a string to her. All that does is lower your status even more. 
 

wake up
 

 

Edited February 27, 2020 by Marc878