How do you get over someone you work with?

[Beachead]

On 1/23/2020 at 8:48 AM, Rainmkr555 said:

I have an obsession with someone I have worked with for over 10 years now that I absolutely MUST get over. (FYI...finding a new job is NOT an option for me)

For the first 4 years that we worked together, we were just work colleagues and nothing more.  However, in 2013 we started texting about work issues, which led to personal talks, which led to flirting, which led to talking about sex, which then led to us making out in a supply room at work, which then led to us going out one night and having sex.  But, just 2 weeks after that night, she made it clear that she only really wants friendship with me.  I was totally accepting of that and we moved on.

However, our special friendship did not end there.  By Spring 2014 we were talking sexually again and we met out one night and totally went at it in her car (no sex. Just making out). When her birthday was coming up in July, she asked me if I wanted to go grab dinner with her and then go back to her place for dessert. Obviously I said YES. I ended up just going over to her house and we had drinks and had sex on her couch. She did not want to go in her bed for some reason. I thought it was good but again she did not seem to like it. The following week we went out for drinks and she again told me she felt no chemistry with me and only wanted to be my friend. I accepted this and we went back to just being good friends.

Over the next 2 years, our friendship became one of texting each other constantly morning, noon, night and on weekends and going for drinks maybe once every 2 months. She would still send me photos of herself and I would still flirt with her and she would flirt back and I would always make sure she knew how I still wanted her.

Then in December 2016, me and her went to a movie together. Afterwards we went to a bar, then sat in her car talking, and then ended up kissing and having sex in her car right in the parking lot of the bar. I couldn't believe it was happening and I was soo happy. But again, the next day she sent me a text saying while she does not regret it and she had a great time, we are still only going to be friends. However, later that month she invited me to her house and we drank and watched TV and kissed but did not have sex.

That was the last time we were ever intimate with each other but after that we would still talk A LOT and flirt sometimes too.  For basically the whole summer of 2018 she was being VERY flirty and sexual with me. Sending me photos of her wearing just her panties, sending other sexy photos, talking about what she might wear the next time we go out.  But all of that never went anywhere and we basically just talked and talked. 

She has also dated a couple of different guys over the past 6 years of our special friendship as well.  Each time I found out, I would get soooo jealous and upset and sad.  I would ask her why she won't date ME? And she always says that she has "no chemistry" with me and that she is "not attracted" to me.  She had sex with me on 3 different occasions and flirted with me all these years but she is NOT attracted to me??

Anyway, as of right now she is seeing some other guy for the past month and I just found out that the 2 of them are going to the Bahamas next month for 1 week.  Ever since I heard this news I have been absolutely devastated and upset.  I want that to be ME who is going away with her. She knows I'm upset and we talked and she says she is sorry I am hurt but there is nothing she can do.  She always says that she wishes she could be with me because she knows I would treat her good but she's just not attracted to me.  

While part of me just wants to keep waiting in hopes that maybe ONE DAY she will want to be with me.....I know that in reality that is never going to happen.  I MUST and NEED to get over this obsession I have with her.  But I have no idea how to do that considering that we work together.  Lucky for me, I do not work in the office with her. I see her maybe once a week for 10 minutes at a time. But, I am forced to have to interact with daily through text message.

Please help me guys! I want to FINALLY be rid of this heartache and pain and the unhealthy attachment I have to this woman.  

P.S. She is a very nice and caring person.  She's been very sympathetic to my pain each time this happens. She's not doing anything on purpose or maliciously to me. She just very much wants to find a boyfriend for a real relationship and during the process I end up getting hurt each time.

Hey OP, 

This is my take and I apologize if comes off as blunt or harsh. 

Take it from me..there won't be a "one day."  The fact that this woman is doing this to you is evident of her little respect for you and your life.  Once it gets to that point, there is no coming back from that unless you disappear for years and move on and she sees you one day.  There might be some hope to reconnect at that point, but then again, how would you know she's not trying to hook you again?  

She is keeping you on a leash, in an emotional limbo where she keeps you hooked but doesn't let you move on.   She meets some guy, she disconnects from you and treats you like garbage.  Then she comes back when she's feeling a little vulnerable or lonely, charms you again and gets her attention and sex from a sure thing..which is you. Once she's had her fill, she ventures out into the world again, looking for the man she ACTUALLY wants to be with in the longterm..which isn't you.

You are a doormat OP.   This woman isn't serious at all about you.  Her sh*tty treatment of you is all you need to focus on.  She doesn't respect you either.  She doesn't respect you because she knows she's treating you like dirt and you'd still be there, on-call, ready to run to her, at her convenience.  If all the meaningful talks and moments and sex hasn't been enough for her to figure out if she wants to be with you or not..then what more can you do?  Don't fool yourself. You've already admitted to wanting a relationship with her and she has consistently broken your heart.  

You are regarding this as a "friendship."   You want her.  You have hopes.  You have expectations.  And the moment you bring romantic feelings into the mix, those hopes and expectations taint the friendship and make it insincere.  Not just that..as I said, she treats you like crap.  So no, this is not a friendship.  It is far from it.

You've been hoping to lock her down ever since the first time you two became intimate and that hope has deeply engrained itself into your programming.  It has become a way of life for you to expect to hear from her, to talk to her, to be with her.  To go through this cyclical pattern of her being with you and then not being with you.  It'll be a challenging road to get over her.  Not impossible, but challenging.  

If you want to get over her, you're going to have to cut this woman off.  Since you don't want to do the one thing which will really help you get over her (Finding a new job), you will have to distance yourself from her as much as possible.  The goal will be to avoid seeing her and talking to her.  You need pull her off of social media, delete her number, delete all her photos.  Get rid of and gifts or possessions you have of hers as well.  Out of sight, out of mind.  It's going to be like quitting a drug.  You'll go through withdrawal and feel temptations to want to run back because of how long this has been going on for (Habits associated with her are deeply-rooted into your mind now).  And she won't make it easy on you either.  She'll contact you and charm you and make you feel like she wants you and the moment you relapse and run back to her,  she'll break your heart all over again.  

There's no future there because she isn't relationship material.  If she treats you like this right now, with such little respect for you, she most certainly won't respect you in a relationship and will treat you far worse.  But as I said, she won't get into a relationship with you anyway..because she doesn't respect you.

After you've done cutting her off, I would immediately start journalling all the things that make her a horrible person for you.  Use this post and the other ones on this thread to give you some motivation and help you compile your list.  I say this, because you will find yourself tempted to contact her again after some time and it'll be this exercise that keeps you from doing it; reading all the reasons why you shouldn't be with her will make all the difference.

You are in charge of nursing yourself back to health and making sure your life is a good one, filled with good people, who enrich your spirit.  Not toxic people like this.  Get to taking care of yourself and drop her.

- Beach

 

[Rainmkr555]

11 hours ago, Beachead said:

You've been hoping to lock her down ever since the first time you two became intimate and that hope has deeply engrained itself into your programming.  It has become a way of life for you to expect to hear from her, to talk to her, to be with her.  To go through this cyclical pattern of her being with you and then not being with you.  It'll be a challenging road to get over her.  Not impossible, but challenging.  

Well my friend....you hit the nail right in the head here. Bullseye.

In the first few years after this whole thing began, me and her would literally talk every single day morning noon and night. Through text. We would say good morning to each other good night to each other sweet dreams to each other talk throughout the entire day. And that would stop when she started dating someone but then start again as soon as that relationship would end.

It basically became my drug because I would convince myself that the only reason why she talks to me so so much is because she really does like me. Not just as a friend but as someone she could see herself being with one day. I mean we wouldn’t just talk about the weather either. Many many many times we would flirt with each other and be sexually suggestive with each other. She would send me so many photos of herself. Not just sexy ones (although she sent many sexy ones as well) but also photos when she was just out with her friends. 

She knows how unbelievably attracted I am to her and how beautiful I think she is so I think she always knew that no matter what photo she would send I would always tell her how great she looks. It literally was my drug knowing that she’s there thinking about me texting me out of the blue once in a while. It always made me feel so good. And to have that completely taken away kind of feels like I’m going through withdrawl.

You’re 100% right. If I don’t talk to her for a while and then all of a sudden she started talking to me the way she used, making me feel that she wanted me, I don’t think I’d have any chance of not giving in. I would of course immediately reply like a drug addict would to get another fix. For me, when she is giving me attention and making me feel like she wants me and that she really really cares about me, I feel absolutely amazing and on top of the world.

But obviously if I want to FINALLY get over this and move on from my obsession and infatuation and love for this woman who does not want me, I’m going to have to be the strongest I’ve ever been to not give in to the temptation of her. But honestly, the way things seem to be going with this new guy she’s in the Bahamas with now, I don’t see her ever talking to me again the way she used to. I think she’s finally found her one

Edited February 27, 2020 by Rainmkr555

[Beachead]

@Rainmkr555

Quote

 But honestly, the way things seem to be going with this new guy she’s in the Bahamas with now, I don’t see her ever talking to me again the way she used to. I think she’s finally found her one 

Then good riddens.   

After all those moments together for all these years, she can say "I"m not attracted to you."  How insulting is that?  That's your time and energy that you've given.  If you weren't so high on her, you'd get pissed off and see this.  Everyday you spend stressed over her, is another day you gave up in which you could have spent with someone else, who genuinely cared for you and supported you in your life journey.  Another day you could have invested wholeheartedly on yourself and your goals.  These are opportunity costs, you have foregone to stay in this limbo.  You getting frustrated and telling her how you feel won't do anything either because she already knows..she just doesn't care.   When she responds with "We're not together so you can't tell me who I can and can't be with" or "I'm not interested" ..you'll sit there dumbfounded, wondering how she could do all this with you and still say things like that.  The worst part of it?  It'll be your fault because you choose to stay in it.  You choose to let her do you that way, over and over again..hoping like a fool, she'll come around.  

She's not here to support or help you become a better person.  She's here for herself.  100% herself.  She couldn't care less if she destroyed you, so long as she gets what she wants out of you.  You're not helping yourself either because you're respecting yourself.  So in the end, you will lose..and rather badly.

You might be able to contain your frustrations and pain right now, but the longer this goes on, the more overwhelming it will become and soon enough, it will spill over into your career an other parts of your life.  You may end up treating family and friends who actually do care about you not so well, because of how upset you are with her.  If you try to date someone else, you'll compare them to her because all you can see is her in everyone and everything.  It will consequently impact your life in many ways.

If you care about yourself and you want a future for you, you need to drop this energy-attention vampire out of your life and stay strong on that decision.  As I mentioned before, start by getting her off your social media if you have her on it and delete her number (You can write it down someplace and keep it out of your sight for now).  This is absolutely crucial.  

You'll face two tests when you cut her off:

The first test will happen when she comes your way again, which she will.   You cannot respond to her.  You cannot engage with her.  The outcome will be just the same as its been for the last few years.  While she tries to get you to engage with her again, the addicted part of you will ride the high of that and feel good about all attention you're getting.  It'll twist your mind up into thinking "Well if I stay silent long enough, she'll eventually come to realize she wants me, and then it'll happen."  You will get used to that feeling of power.

The second test will be when she eventually gets tired and stops trying to get your attention.  You will feel that crash.  You will wonder if you lost her.  Your anxiety will kick up and you feel even more tempted to contact her.  You'll likely blame yourself and feel you've done something wrong.  This is all part of your withdrawal and your addict-self trying to get you back to your fix.  Again, you have to maintain strength and cannot engage or talk to her at this point.  Nothing will have changed and the same result will be as it has been.  It will set you back to Day 0.

And I stress, you're not doing this to win her back.  You're doing this because she is a terrible person for you and your life and the best thing for YOU, is to cut her off..so that you can have a chance at a future where you are happy and possibly with someone who cares about you.  

- Beach

 

 

 

 

 

Edited February 27, 2020 by Beachead

[Rainmkr555]

1 hour ago, Beachead said:

@Rainmkr555

Then good riddens.   

After all those moments together for all these years, she can say "I"m not attracted to you."  How insulting is that?  That's your time and energy that you've given.  If you weren't so high on her, you'd get pissed off and see this.  Everyday you spend stressed over her, is another day you gave up in which you could have spent with someone else, who genuinely cared for you and supported you in your life journey.  Another day you could have invested wholeheartedly on yourself and your goals.  These are opportunity costs, you have foregone to stay in this limbo.  You getting frustrated and telling her how you feel won't do anything either because she already knows..she just doesn't care.   When she responds with "We're not together so you can't tell me who I can and can't be with" or "I'm not interested" ..you'll sit there dumbfounded, wondering how she could do all this with you and still say things like that.  The worst part of it?  It'll be your fault because you choose to stay in it.  You choose to let her do you that way, over and over again..hoping like a fool, she'll come around.  

She's not here to support or help you become a better person.  She's here for herself.  100% herself.  She couldn't care less if she destroyed you, so long as she gets what she wants out of you.  You're not helping yourself either because you're respecting yourself.  So in the end, you will lose..and rather badly.

You might be able to contain your frustrations and pain right now, but the longer this goes on, the more overwhelming it will become and soon enough, it will spill over into your career an other parts of your life.  You may end up treating family and friends who actually do care about you not so well, because of how upset you are with her.  If you try to date someone else, you'll compare them to her because all you can see is her in everyone and everything.  It will consequently impact your life in many ways.

If you care about yourself and you want a future for you, you need to drop this energy-attention vampire out of your life and stay strong on that decision.  As I mentioned before, start by getting her off your social media if you have her on it and delete her number (You can write it down someplace and keep it out of your sight for now).  This is absolutely crucial.  

You'll face two tests when you cut her off:

The first test will happen when she comes your way again, which she will.   You cannot respond to her.  You cannot engage with her.  The outcome will be just the same as its been for the last few years.  While she tries to get you to engage with her again, the addicted part of you will ride the high of that and feel good about all attention you're getting.  It'll twist your mind up into thinking "Well if I stay silent long enough, she'll eventually come to realize she wants me, and then it'll happen."  You will get used to that feeling of power.

The second test will be when she eventually gets tired and stops trying to get your attention.  You will feel that crash.  You will wonder if you lost her.  Your anxiety will kick up and you feel even more tempted to contact her.  You'll likely blame yourself and feel you've done something wrong.  This is all part of your withdrawal and your addict-self trying to get you back to your fix.  Again, you have to maintain strength and cannot engage or talk to her at this point.  Nothing will have changed and the same result will be as it has been.  It will set you back to Day 0.

And I stress, you're not doing this to win her back.  You're doing this because she is a terrible person for you and your life and the best thing for YOU, is to cut her off..so that you can have a chance at a future where you are happy and possibly with someone who cares about you.  

- Beach

 

 

 

 

 

Is this really totally her fault though? I mean even though sometimes her actions didn’t convey this.....she has told me several times over the years that she is NOT attracted to me and she has NO chemistry with me. She’s never told me she loves me either.

BUT....

Did you see these 2 details from my replies in this thread? I’m going to copy and paste for you so that you can see how else her actions sometimes did not match her words:

[ “In fact, and I failed to mention this in my OP,  in the summer of 2017 we went to a concert together with friends. Afterwards we got back to her place and sat on the couch (alone at this point) and she starts putting her legs on me while wearing a short skirt and pulling it up and showing me her panties and her bra but not reciprocating my advances or me kissing her. She then went and got her laptop and showed me all these VERY intimate and sexy professional photos she had paid some photographer to take of herself. So I am sitting on the couch next to this woman who I am EXTREMELY attracted too while she is in a short dress, showing me very sexy photos of herself, showing me her panties, but making it clear by not kissing me back that she does not want that. Her son was asleep in his room and she did make the comment "I have a child here" when I kept trying to kiss her.  The next morning we talked of course and she again re-iterated the fact that she only wants friendship from me.“ ]
 

[ “In 2018 she was being VERY sexual with me verbally.  On at least 4 different occasions in the summer of 2018 she sent me VERY sexy photos of herself in only her underwear. And she did this all by HER OWN CHOICE without me even asking.  There were also a few evenings that summer where me and her basically had cyber sex through texting. Sometimes when she would go out with her friends, she would text me and tell me (again ON HER OWN) what kind of panties she was wearing.  When we were planning a night out that summer, she was asking me what I want her to wear. I told her how about a short skirt, and her reply was "sure, and how about I wear no panties too?" Again, this was ALL HER.  Another time, she went out to some party with her daughter, she was texting me and kinda drunk, she said that she was pretty drunk and if I was there I'd be able to do anything I wanted with her.  She went to Mexico with her girlfriends that summer as well.  Every single day she would send me pictures of her in the bikini she was wearing that day and flirting with me about what we would do together if I was down there.  Why would she do all that if she never wanted to be with me?“ ]
 

It was stuff like THIS that really sucked me in sometimes. And we didn’t even have sex in these examples either. That being said.....is this situation more her fault than mine? Or mostly mine? Or what?

Edited February 27, 2020 by Rainmkr555

[d0nnivain]

51 minutes ago, Rainmkr555 said:

Is this really totally her fault though?

* * * 

.is this situation more her fault than mine? Or mostly mine? Or what?

She's a tease. That is intentional on her part & is bordering on mean -- showing you her panties, sending you bikini picks & contacting you while she's on vacation having sex with another man.  That is all deliberate & awful.  She's an attention seeking [fill in your favorite insult].  

Think about this though:  even if you get her to date you, do you really want to try to maintain a committed exclusive relationship with a woman who needs so much external validation that she sends sexy pics to other men & calls some other guy while on a romantic get away with you???!!!  Serious that is how badly she's jerking this other guy around while calling you for your birthday.  

It's your fault too for being such a doormat about the whole thing.  You willingly absorb all the crap she does because you are so desperate to be with her you will not stick up for yourself & put a stop to her antics. 

Under that analysis it's more your fault because you are the one upset by it but you refuse to take any action to make it stop  When you get good & fed up you will walk away.  Until then continue to wallow in the misery you let her cause you.  

[Rainmkr555]

43 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

sending you bikini picks & contacting you while she's on vacation having sex with another man.  That is all deliberate & awful.  She's an attention seeking [fill in your favorite insult].  

Think about this though:  even if you get her to date you, do you really want to try to maintain a committed exclusive relationship with a woman who needs so much external validation that she sends sexy pics to other men & calls some other guy while on a romantic get away with you???!!!  Serious that is how badly she's jerking this other guy around while calling you for your birthday.  

I fully understand what you’re saying here but let me clarify two things for you though....

The trip that she took where she was sending me photos of herself in a bikini every day and texting me every day and telling me how she wishes I was down there with her occurred on a trip she took in 2018 to Mexico with just her girlfriends. She was completely single at that time. She was only there with her girlfriends.

This current trip she’s on right now in the Bahamas with this guy, she only texted me this past Monday for my birthday. She did not call me or send me any photos. She just sent me a happy birthday text. And I obviously replied with some sarcastic comments and then she stopped replying to me and I have not talked to her since then.

But it is true that I have never viewed her as being in the wrong here. Maybe that’s because I loved the attention she gave me when she was sending me those sexy photos and being sexual with me and texting me all the time. I absolutely LOVED IT. But now that I look back at it....it WAS definitely cruel and mean on her part because she never wanted to be with me and she knew how badly I wanted to be with her but yet she still teased me with photos and sexual talk.

Edited February 27, 2020 by Rainmkr555

[d0nnivain]

I knew the bikini picture & the Bahamas Happy Birthday message was sent from different trips.  If I didn't make that clear in my response, I'm sorry for the confusion.  But the fact that she reaches out when she's away actually proves my point:  she is teasing you & it's wrong.  If she doesn't want to date you, WTH is she sending you anything when she's away on vacation? 

[elaine567]

The OP emotionally blackmailed her into sending the birthday message, he threw a pity party...

[Rainmkr555]

8 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

The OP emotionally blackmailed her into sending the birthday message, he threw a pity party...

You honestly think that she cares THAT much about my feelings where she would feel compelled to send me a text on my birthday just to make me feel good?

[elaine567]

I think she feels sorry for you yes.
 

[preraph]

Let's not forget you work together.  So if someone you work with demands a birthday acknowledgement, do you dare ignore it?

[kendahke]

22 hours ago, Rainmkr555 said:

How exactly do I keep confirming this for her

Really? Ok, I'll play along.  Here's how:

Quote

 

So I just replied with a simple “thanks”.

I just told her it went fine I guess.

I sarcastically replied “Best and happiest birthday I have ever had in my life”.

I said “I’m sure. No reason for me to ask how your time is going down there. Because I already know the answer. You’re having the best time of your life and you’re extremely happy. I’m happy for you. :)”

 “Well....say hi to your boyfriend for me and tell him thank you for helping to make my birthday so wonderful this year lol. 

She never replied again.

 She's shined you on because she isn't obligated to indulge your passive aggressive temper tantrum. 

Quote

But in your opinion has she been an awful cow to me do you think? 

No--not at all. In fact, I think she's been graciously letting you know that she's not going to acquiesce to your demands that she be your girlfriend. She hasn't moved one inch from her position on not dating you. You've been told by her in plain English what isn't going to happen and you refuse to accept what she is plainly telling you. You're the one who is being the awful cow who is pushing her to take stern measures which may impact your ability to earn your keep by not letting this go.

Quote

 And please don’t just say “nothing”. Even if there’s a 0.000001% chance.....I’d like to know what it is.

NOTHING. N.O.T.H.I.N.G. Nada.  There isn't even that much of a chance.  She's been turned off for months now and once a woman is turned off, there is no kind of chance of turning her back on.

If you had anything like a chance, she wouldn't be in the Caribbean right now with a man she wants to be with. If she didn't want to be with him, he wouldn't be there with her.

That is the truth you need to hear. I'm not about to give you any tips that are going to result in your losing your job and having a PRO sworn out on you.

Your next step, since you can't get past this, is to call your company's C.O.P.E. resources and talk with a therapist.

 

 

 

 

 

[kendahke]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

If she doesn't want to date you, WTH is she sending you anything when she's away on vacation? 

she feels contempt and doesn't mind rubbing his nose in it since he won't leave it alone.

[Beachead]

4 hours ago, Rainmkr555 said:

Is this really totally her fault though? I mean even though sometimes her actions didn’t convey this.....she has told me several times over the years that she is NOT attracted to me and she has NO chemistry with me. She’s never told me she loves me either.

It has been largely her fault but you also have a hand in this pain your feeling because you're not establishing healthy boundaries for yourself and are succumbing to your weaknesses at the expense of your self-respect.   When you don't respect yourself enough, you put yourself in positions where you invite people like this to come along and steam-roll right through you.  So the longer this goes on, the more it becomes your fault, and less hers.  Why?  Because despite this woman's teasing, disrespectful behaviour towards you, you continue to remain in her company, to continue to be treated like crap.  Everyday you stay in it, you teach her "Hey, I am desperate and I couldn't care less about my own well-being."

You've got pull yourself together and cut her off so that you can begin to heal from this and gain your strength back. Currently, you are zoomed too far into it and are too caught up in the day to day drama, to really see what is happening to you and how poorly you're treating yourself.  Time and distance from her will afford you a birds eye view on the whole situation, ultimately giving you the big picture of whats up and what you need to do.

Quote

 

[ “In fact, and I failed to mention this in my OP,  in the summer of 2017 we went to a concert together with friends. Afterwards we got back to her place and sat on the couch (alone at this point) and she starts putting her legs on me while wearing a short skirt and pulling it up and showing me her panties and her bra but not reciprocating my advances or me kissing her. She then went and got her laptop and showed me all these VERY intimate and sexy professional photos she had paid some photographer to take of herself. So I am sitting on the couch next to this woman who I am EXTREMELY attracted too while she is in a short dress, showing me very sexy photos of herself, showing me her panties, but making it clear by not kissing me back that she does not want that. Her son was asleep in his room and she did make the comment "I have a child here" when I kept trying to kiss her.  The next morning we talked of course and she again re-iterated the fact that she only wants friendship from me.“ ]
 

[ “In 2018 she was being VERY sexual with me verbally.  On at least 4 different occasions in the summer of 2018 she sent me VERY sexy photos of herself in only her underwear. And she did this all by HER OWN CHOICE without me even asking.  There were also a few evenings that summer where me and her basically had cyber sex through texting. Sometimes when she would go out with her friends, she would text me and tell me (again ON HER OWN) what kind of panties she was wearing.  When we were planning a night out that summer, she was asking me what I want her to wear. I told her how about a short skirt, and her reply was "sure, and how about I wear no panties too?" Again, this was ALL HER.  Another time, she went out to some party with her daughter, she was texting me and kinda drunk, she said that she was pretty drunk and if I was there I'd be able to do anything I wanted with her.  She went to Mexico with her girlfriends that summer as well.  Every single day she would send me pictures of her in the bikini she was wearing that day and flirting with me about what we would do together if I was down there.  Why would she do all that if she never wanted to be with me?“ ]

 

..and yet, she's with someone else.    That in itself should tell you EXACTLY what kind of a person she is.  Do you see how you're trying to draw from all these experiences over the years to try and make sense of her behaviour and words and feelings because none of it is congruent with eachother.  When a person is making you feel this way, it means they're not good for you.  They are toxic.  Her actions are not in line with her words because she is a full of sh*t.  She's attracted to the power she feels by having you under her thumb and you're decent looking enough for her to want to mess around with you sexually when she needs it.  But does she want to be with you?  No.  Because as I said, she doesn't respect you and ultimately, that truth exposes itself everytime she drops you and goes to someone else, despite all the things she's done with you over the years; all the sex, all the sexual pictures, all the moments you two have shared.  All boundaries have been obliterated and no longer exist.  

And yes you have a helping hand fault because you allowed it and are continuing to allow it.  She teases you yes, but you are the captain of your own well-being.  If you don't manage yourself, who will?

I hope that makes sense

- Beach

[elaine567]

Rainakr555
Just STOP it.
On and on and on and on...
There has to be a time when you have to stop flogging a dead donkey.
Leave her alone please.
,..for your own sake and sanity.
This obsession is ruining your life.
There is nothing "normal" about pursuing a woman who you last had casual sex with 4 long years ago.
A woman who now has a regular bf.
Go and get some professional help is my advice.

[Rainmkr555]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Rainakr555
Just STOP it.
On and on and on and on...
There has to be a time when you have to stop flogging a dead donkey.
Leave her alone please.
,..for your own sake and sanity.
This obsession is ruining your life.
There is nothing "normal" about pursuing a woman who you last had casual sex with 4 long years ago.
A woman who now has a regular bf.
Go and get some professional help is my advice.

But I honestly don’t know what to do! Believe me I want to get over her. Desperately. I just spoke to this other woman that I work with who is the only person at my job who knows what happened between me and this woman. She told me that this woman called her today from the Bahamas to tell her about her trip. The only details I was able to get out of her is that she said that it’s really nice over there and that the whole week flew by. Apparently she’s coming home tomorrow. I asked her if this woman asked how I’m doing and she said no she did not.

I knew she was going to have a good time but just knowing now that she called this other woman at work and was telling her what a nice time she’s having just makes me depressed and sad immediately. She did tell me though that this woman did not tell her anything about the guy like she’s in love with him now and she’s so happy with him. But her opinion is that she does really like this man.

she doesn’t come back to work until Wednesday next week. I’m honestly thinking of on Monday when I get off of work giving her a call and maybe telling her that I can no longer even be just friends with her. I’ll finally tell her that this situation is just unbearable for me and in order for me to finally get over her I need to not even talk to her and not even see her whenever she comes to the office.

but seriously I don’t know how I’m going to do this. I want her so badly. And I want her to want me just as much. But I know that’s never going to happen. But at the same time I don’t want to lose her as a friend and have her stop talking to me. But I also know that’s the only way I’m ever going to get over her. I seriously don’t know what to do.

[Rainmkr555]

2 hours ago, Beachead said:

You've got pull yourself together and cut her off so that you can begin to heal from this and gain your strength back. Currently, you are zoomed too far into it and are too caught up in the day to day drama, to really see what is happening to you and how poorly you're treating yourself.  Time and distance from her will afford you a birds eye view on the whole situation, ultimately giving you the big picture of whats up and what you need to do.

I know I need to cut her off but all that’s going to do is make her happy I think. Don’t you? It’s not like she’s going to be pleading with me “No please don’t stop talking to me I really value our friendship and I want you to still be an important person in my life!” She’s not gonna say anything like that to me. She’s going to sit there and tell me she understands and of course abide by my wishes. And she’ll probably be thankful as well that she can get a rid of this annoying clingy guy who can’t take a hint.

I feel all that’s going to happen is she’ll forget about me and just go on with her life with this man being extremely happy and not even give me a second thought of all the pain that she’s caused me. Even though over time I may heal.....at the same time I want her to miss me and understand that I don’t want to have to do this. I don’t want to stop talking to her. But she is MAKING me do this.

[Beachead]

1 hour ago, Rainmkr555 said:

I know I need to cut her off but all that’s going to do is make her happy I think. Don’t you? 

 

It will make her feel relieved.  That is, unless this thing she's got going on with this new guy doesn't go well.  If it doesn't, she'll likely be back, trying to work you into a situation again.  But the thing you have to remember is if that happens, it won't mean what you hope it means.  It won't be because she suddenly saw how great you were and now wants to be with you.  It'll be only because she needs a pitstop to refuel and repair until she's ready to head back out onto the road.  

For the moment, she's with someone now so she doesn't need you or your attention anymore.  She's got him to keep her busy.  You are now an inconvenience to her because of your "feelings."  It is evidence that she hurt a person and it does to some degree make her feel bad.  Some people cope by going cold and avoiding.  Others may try to right the wrongs they did or their conscious, by doing nice things for you.  Once their conscious feels clear, they then leave.  And some people own up and apologize, but then go on their way afterwards.

Quote

I feel all that’s going to happen is she’ll forget about me and just go on with her life with this man being extremely happy and not even give me a second thought of all the pain that she’s caused me. Even though over time I may heal.....at the same time I want her to miss me and understand that I don’t want to have to do this. I don’t want to stop talking to her. But she is MAKING me do this.

But look at how she makes you feel?  This woman is horrible for you and to you and you still want her and are afraid to lose her.  That's not rational thinking.    So this is about you and what's going on inside.

And if you leave and she doesn't run after you, then doesn't that mean she was never going to stay in your life anyway?  Think about it..if what you two shared after all this time wasn't enough to convince her to commit to you, what more is there for you to do?  You two have done it all and still she is choosing other guys and rejecting you.  You don't want to let go because if you do and she doesn't show any care,  it'll make you feel like you didn't matter and all this meant nothing and that would feel like a giant waste of your life.  This is more about you than her.   I'm going to tell you, this experience wasn't a waste.  You have probably gotten more out of this than you realize right now.  Intimacy and fun for one..but also experience with women like this.  That pain you feel right now is important for you as well as it will mature into wisdom, with time and distance.  

What you're simply coming to realize is what you were seeing in her, all these years, wasn't what was actually happening.  You were living in a fantasy and seeing a version of her you wanted her to be instead of who she was.  This is who she is;  a girl who has not chosen you and has chosen to be with someone else.  If its not that guy, it'll be someone else.  If its not that someone else..it'll be someone else after that.   

Going back to this being more about you than her..another reason you hold on is not because you want her, but because letting her go means facing an unknown future.  I think you see what's going on but the future is unknown, unfamiliar, uncomfortable, and scary.   You are afraid you won't be able to get through your days without her or go out and get what you want in your life.   You don't think you have it in you to attract someone who is right and healthy for you.  So really, this is about you not believing in yourself.  All she is a means to avoid facing your fears. 

- Beach

 

Edited February 28, 2020 by Beachead

[kendahke]

1 hour ago, Rainmkr555 said:

feel all that’s going to happen is she’ll forget about me and just go on with her life with this man being extremely happy and not even give me a second thought of all the pain that she’s caused me.

which she is completely entitled to do--she doesn't have to give you the time of day, ever, nor does she owe you thoughts about your pain. Your pain is for you to manage, not hers. She isn't obligated to be the woman you want her to be or have built up in your mind to be. The only person she can be is her own messed up self.

Quote

But I honestly don’t know what to do! 

What you need to do is leave this woman alone and hash this out with a therapist. There may be some underlying psychological issue going on that is keeping you attached to someone who doesn't want you in a reciprocal fashion.

And for everything that is good and holy, don't call her about anything. She doesn't care how hurt you are--if she did, none of this would be going on. 

You are giving her so much ammunition to take to HR on you.

Quote

But she is MAKING me do this.

That is the lie you keep telling yourself.No one is making you do anything you haven't already given your express permission to do.

Edited February 28, 2020 by kendahke

[Rainmkr555]

15 hours ago, Beachead said:

It will make her feel relieved.  That is, unless this thing she's got going on with this new guy doesn't go well.  If it doesn't, she'll likely be back, trying to work you into a situation again.  But the thing you have to remember is if that happens, it won't mean what you hope it means.  It won't be because she suddenly saw how great you were and now wants to be with you.  It'll be only because she needs a pitstop to refuel and repair until she's ready to head back out onto the road.  

For the moment, she's with someone now so she doesn't need you or your attention anymore.  She's got him to keep her busy.  You are now an inconvenience to her because of your "feelings."  It is evidence that she hurt a person and it does to some degree make her feel bad.  Some people cope by going cold and avoiding.  Others may try to right the wrongs they did or their conscious, by doing nice things for you.  Once their conscious feels clear, they then leave.  And some people own up and apologize, but then go on their way afterwards.

But look at how she makes you feel?  This woman is horrible for you and to you and you still want her and are afraid to lose her.  That's not rational thinking.    So this is about you and what's going on inside.

And if you leave and she doesn't run after you, then doesn't that mean she was never going to stay in your life anyway?  Think about it..if what you two shared after all this time wasn't enough to convince her to commit to you, what more is there for you to do?  You two have done it all and still she is choosing other guys and rejecting you.  You don't want to let go because if you do and she doesn't show any care,  it'll make you feel like you didn't matter and all this meant nothing and that would feel like a giant waste of your life.  This is more about you than her.   I'm going to tell you, this experience wasn't a waste.  You have probably gotten more out of this than you realize right now.  Intimacy and fun for one..but also experience with women like this.  That pain you feel right now is important for you as well as it will mature into wisdom, with time and distance.  

What you're simply coming to realize is what you were seeing in her, all these years, wasn't what was actually happening.  You were living in a fantasy and seeing a version of her you wanted her to be instead of who she was.  This is who she is;  a girl who has not chosen you and has chosen to be with someone else.  If its not that guy, it'll be someone else.  If its not that someone else..it'll be someone else after that.   

Going back to this being more about you than her..another reason you hold on is not because you want her, but because letting her go means facing an unknown future.  I think you see what's going on but the future is unknown, unfamiliar, uncomfortable, and scary.   You are afraid you won't be able to get through your days without her or go out and get what you want in your life.   You don't think you have it in you to attract someone who is right and healthy for you.  So really, this is about you not believing in yourself.  All she is a means to avoid facing your fears. 

- Beach

 

Beach,

I just wanted to say thank you so much for being very thoughtful and helpful and kind to me and for never coming across as being mean spirited or too harsh (even though I do need a good kick in the butt) in your replies to me on this thread. Are you by any chance a psychologist by profession? I only ask because your analysis of my situation and what my thought process is and what my feelings are is always pretty much dead on and accurate.

As I mentioned, she comes back home today I guess (she doesn’t come back to work until Wednesday next week though). I’m not going to contact her today or the entire weekend. I’m curious though if she may contact me. I know that if she does contact me, she’ll most likely just let me know that she’s back and also act as if she’s completely oblivious to the pain and hell I just went through this past week. But, if she does not contact me at all, I really do want to call her on Monday after work and have just a friendly conversation with her.

My main purpose being to find out if the trip really was as amazing and if this man was really as amazing as she thought it would all be. If I get clarification from her that she’s in love with this man now or that she likes him even more now ot that it was one of the best times of her life and blah blah blah......at that point I think I’m going to tell her that I can’t do this anymore and that I can’t be her friend any longer.

I’m thinking of possibly telling her that we can no longer text about personal issues and ask her to also text me and give me a two minute warning heads up whenever she comes to the office (she only comes to the office about one time per week for 10 minutes at a time thank god) so that I can just go in the bathroom or something so that I don’t have to even see her in person. Because I know for a fact if I see her next week at the office looking all extremely tan and amazing and gorgeous, it’s just going to make me immediately depressed and all I’m going to do is think about how many times that she had sex with this man down there.

 

Edited February 28, 2020 by Rainmkr555

[Beachead]

@Rainmkr555

6 hours ago, Rainmkr555 said:

Beach,

I just wanted to say thank you so much for being very thoughtful and helpful and kind to me and for never coming across as being mean spirited or too harsh (even though I do need a good kick in the butt) in your replies to me on this thread. Are you by any chance a psychologist by profession? I only ask because your analysis of my situation and what my thought process is and what my feelings are is always pretty much dead on and accurate.

 

 

Not a problem friend.  I'm not a psychologist.  I'm just a guy who's been in that boat, had a chance to talk to many people about their own experiences to help make sense of my own, and put a lot of my time into self-reflection to figure myself out and how to improve.  Since we're all human here, its likely you feel the same way.   That's the angle I come to you at.

Going back to you..

Quote

As I mentioned, she comes back home today I guess (she doesn’t come back to work until Wednesday next week though). I’m not going to contact her today or the entire weekend. I’m curious though if she may contact me. I know that if she does contact me, she’ll most likely just let me know that she’s back and also act as if she’s completely oblivious to the pain and hell I just went through this past week. But, if she does not contact me at all, I really do want to call her on Monday after work and have just a friendly conversation with her.

Don't contact her.  Don't call, don't text.  Nothing.  If she reaches out to you, don't respond.  It'll be extremely difficult to get that done but that is a crucial step 1.

Quote

My main purpose being to find out if the trip really was as amazing and if this man was really as amazing as she thought it would all be. If I get clarification from her that she’s in love with this man now or that she likes him even more now ot that it was one of the best times of her life and blah blah blah......at that point I think I’m going to tell her that I can’t do this anymore and that I can’t be her friend any longer.

This is just your addicted mind finding reasons to get you back to your drug..to reestablish connection, so that this can continue.   No need to find out anything.  You're looking for an answer you already have.   Recall in the previous posts I wrote, I mentioned its been a couple years of back and forth and after all this,  she still chose to someone else.  That choice is your answer.  It is blunt and right to the point.  Doesn't matter if her and that guy survive and get married or not, it just matters that she chose to try someone else.  She chose that direction for her life.  If what you two shared really was something worth it for her, she'd be with you right now, instead of on that trip with someone else.   People who are interested in us and see a future, don't jeopardize what they have with us.  They don't risk losing us.  This woman has..on many occasions.  Always remember, there is forward momentum in a healthy relationship.  This thing with her?..not forward momentum.  You have the answer, but you're not willing to accept it yet.  

So proceeding to your next paragraph below..

Quote

I’m thinking of possibly telling her that we can no longer text about personal issues and ask her to also text me and give me a two minute warning heads up whenever she comes to the office (she only comes to the office about one time per week for 10 minutes at a time thank god) so that I can just go in the bathroom or something so that I don’t have to even see her in person. Because I know for a fact if I see her next week at the office looking all extremely tan and amazing and gorgeous, it’s just going to make me immediately depressed and all I’m going to do is think about how many times that she had sex with this man down there.

You can if you want but if you ask me, I'd say nothing to her ever again.  Don't contact her and don't respond to her if she contacts you.  If she approaches you at work, keep it business related only.  There is nothing more for you two to talk about.  There could have been a friendship between you and her if she had assessed the impact of her actions on you, before doing any of it but instead, she did what she wanted to do and things are damaged now.  Friendship is possible but not right now or in any immediate future.  You must learn to smile without her being the reason for it, so that you can talk to her without feeling any kind of "need" or expectation.  This will take a lot of time to accomplish and the catch is by the time you do..you may not care so much to go back to that place again.  

She had you but chose not to be with you.  So if she doesn't want to be with you, she loses you entirely.  She doesn't get to choose what parts of you she wants to keep.   It will be up to you to enforce this, for your well-being.  Silence is a far more powerful communicator in this instance than words.  Internally, you'll be struggling inside but she doesn't need to see that.  Use your thread here or the "How are you Coping Today' Thread under the Coping tab of this forum, to let out all your pain.  You can also PM if you wish and I'll do what I can.

But I can't stress this enough..do not use this as a weapon to manipulate her into getting together with you.  You won't get the result you desire.  This is not to win her back.  This is for you..because you deserve to enjoy your life and be emotionally free to accept the love of someone in the future who genuinely cares about you.   This is a one-way route to you healing, feeling better and freeing of her hold over you as the end-goal.

- Beach

 

Edited February 28, 2020 by Beachead

[Rainmkr555]

Here’s a little update since she’s been back.
 

Well I of course did end up trying to call her when she got back. She surprisingly answered but seemed very busy and didn’t have time to talk. I told her I’m not calling to create drama or anything and her reply to me was that everything with me is drama and she hung up.

That was this past Sunday. I tried calling her after work on Monday and she didn’t answer. I texted her and she said she doesn’t want to talk about the same thing over and over again. I promised her that that was not why I was calling through text but she still did not want to answer.

Everything seems OK between us though as of right now. We texted back-and-forth throughout the week about work issues and she seems to be OK. She even gave me a in one of her texts as well. 

Yesterday we were texting in the afternoon and she asked how my day was. I told her just a typical day and she said her day is going well too and that she’s busy. I told her I’m going for drinks with some friends after work and all she said was enjoy your drinks and that was it.

I haven’t  asked her one thing about how her trip went. We are friends on Facebook and I looked at her page and she did post one photo from her trip but the photo was only of her standing on a pier alone. She also posted another photo of just the water down there and she captioned the photo with ”Always something, never nothing“ whatever that means. But she made no reference or mention of this guy. Her friends commented on the photo and in the comments she did not make one reference to or say anything about this man. Does this mean anything?

Anyway, it’s Saturday and I’m dying to talk to her but I’m not going to text her at all. Tomorrow however is international women’s day. She’s European so she actually recognizes this day.  I was thinking of just sending her a nice text wishing her happy women’s day. 
One thing is absolutely for sure with no doubt though. This woman is obviously my drug and my addiction is sooo bad that I don’t know how to stop trying to get her to give me a fix.

FYI, most of you who have commented on here will be pleased to know that I have scheduled an appointment with a psychologist and I will see him this coming Monday.

[K.K.]

11 minutes ago, Rainmkr555 said:

She also posted another photo of just the water down there and she captioned the photo with ”Always something, never nothing“ whatever that means. 

I hate it when people do this. Write some stupid dramatic look at me silly s*** that means absolutely nothing but it makes them feel like they’re being mysterious. 
 

I mean you could write absolutely anything and have the same effect. 

Here let me try : 

Big dogs always eat lightly ...

Green beans always grow on the strongest stalks 

uhhh Sunlight tends to bring out the darkness 

wait wait .... i always have a headache...when the rain falls. 

 

See like that ..... absolutely anything. 

[kendahke]

44 minutes ago, Rainmkr555 said:

I told her I’m not calling to create drama or anything and her reply to me was that everything with me is drama and she hung up.

I told her I’m going for drinks with some friends after work and all she said was enjoy your drinks and that was it.

Wellp....

Quote

I have scheduled an appointment with a psychologist and I will see him this coming Monday

Best move you've made since 1/23.

Edited March 8, 2020 by kendahke

[S2B]

Just do NOT text her at all. Seriously... move on-forward.