How do you get over someone you work with?

[Rainmkr555]

Well...

I just sent this text to her

“I want to wish Happy Women’s Day to one of the smartest, kindest, sweetest, most generous, and of course by far the most incredibly beautiful woman I know 💐😘”

She replies with only

“Thanks so much 😊”

I then asked her a work related question and she just replied with

“Everything went well. I’m driving now”

And that was it. I wrote some very nice sentiments to her in my text and she basically blew me off and just said thank you so much and didn’t reciprocate with any kiss emoji (like she has ALWAYS done for years) or even want to talk to me I guess.

Why the F does she have to be like that???? I

[kendahke]

3 hours ago, Rainmkr555 said:

Why the F does she have to be like that????

What is she supposed to be like?

[Morello]

Someone close this topic already. This is getting beyond embarrassing.

[Fletch Lives]

This is just one of the reasons not to poop where you eat or date where you work.

To get over her, find a girlfriend.

[Rainmkr555]

5 hours ago, Morello said:

Someone close this topic already. This is getting beyond embarrassing.

Appreciate that buddy 👍

No one forced you to click on this topic, let alone actually make a reply on it. Plenty of other non “embarrassing” topics on here for you to view and make comments on. Don’t worry.

Edited March 9, 2020 by Rainmkr555

[homecoming]

On 3/8/2020 at 2:27 PM, Rainmkr555 said:

I just sent this text to her

“I want to wish Happy Women’s Day to one of the smartest, kindest, sweetest, most generous, and of course by far the most incredibly beautiful woman I know 💐😘”

She replies with only

“Thanks so much 😊”

I then asked her a work related question and she just replied with

“Everything went well. I’m driving now”

Look. She's not interested. Please stop contacting her. She is slowly losing her patience and this could well end quite badly. Please just leave her alone. She is clearly too nice to tell you to your face, but she can no longer stand this. Please, man

[assertives]

On 3/8/2020 at 10:27 PM, Rainmkr555 said:

Well...

I just sent this text to her

“I want to wish Happy Women’s Day to one of the smartest, kindest, sweetest, most generous, and of course by far the most incredibly beautiful woman I know 💐😘”

She replies with only

“Thanks so much 😊”

I then asked her a work related question and she just replied with

“Everything went well. I’m driving now”

And that was it. I wrote some very nice sentiments to her in my text and she basically blew me off and just said thank you so much and didn’t reciprocate with any kiss emoji (like she has ALWAYS done for years) or even want to talk to me I guess.

Why the F does she have to be like that???? I

I for one was actually happy that she's finally having some decent boundaries with you in the last couple of times you tried to contact her though. Cordial enough and she's keeping it rather businesslike -- just like how you've been advised by many posters to adopt in your    future correspondence with her. You may not see it now, but she's actually doing you a favor. You've complained over and over and over again how her actions and words have led you on and confused you, so perhaps now there will be no more confusion, and you can finally move on. 

One thing I do want to add from reading your posts is I get the sense that you don't actually want to get over her and move on from her. There is a sense of stalling and inertia in every update you make, and it sounds like you didn't try any of the things posters here have suggested to you to do. Here's the thing, you can have all the best advice in the world, step by step manuals, or the best therapist there is out there. But if you are not committed to wanting to move on from this or wanting to heal badly for yourself, you'll still find yourself stuck for months or even years on end. Commit to moving on, be intentional about putting this behind you. 

Talking about it incessantly will not do anything, people will get sick of repeating/talking about the same s*** over and over again. At some point, you'll need to take action/active steps and put in the hard work. 

[preraph]

You have no pride whatsoever. This is not going to end well.

[Supernova11]

On 1/24/2020 at 10:05 PM, preraph said:

I mean, she should never have had sex with you if she knew she didn't want a real romance with you.  I mean, she already worked with you and was friends for a long time.  If anything was really going to spark on her end, it would have YEARS ago.  She just let herself make a mess with you.  

 

I mean, you work with her and should just be professional with her and not confront her about all this or confess and beg and keep trying to change her mind.  If you can't be friends anymore, then avoid her.  But it's on YOU to accept reality that she doesn't want to have anything serious with you and it's not going to change.

If youre still struggling, can I suggest a youtube channel called Mouth of the Ape. He started the channel when he broke up with his ex and he gives lots of generally good advice for breakups (I know you didnt exactly breakup but still), building your self esteem. He’s a lovely genuine spirit and I think you might benefit from those videos

[Rainmkr555]

On 3/13/2020 at 8:45 AM, assertives said:

I for one was actually happy that she's finally having some decent boundaries with you in the last couple of times you tried to contact her though. Cordial enough and she's keeping it rather businesslike -- just like how you've been advised by many posters to adopt in your    future correspondence with her. You may not see it now, but she's actually doing you a favor. You've complained over and over and over again how her actions and words have led you on and confused you, so perhaps now there will be no more confusion, and you can finally move on. 

One thing I do want to add from reading your posts is I get the sense that you don't actually want to get over her and move on from her. There is a sense of stalling and inertia in every update you make, and it sounds like you didn't try any of the things posters here have suggested to you to do. Here's the thing, you can have all the best advice in the world, step by step manuals, or the best therapist there is out there. But if you are not committed to wanting to move on from this or wanting to heal badly for yourself, you'll still find yourself stuck for months or even years on end. Commit to moving on, be intentional about putting this behind you. 

Talking about it incessantly will not do anything, people will get sick of repeating/talking about the same s*** over and over again. At some point, you'll need to take action/active steps and put in the hard work. 

I understand how it appears that way. That I don’t want to get over this. Believe me I really do but my problem is that part of me still holds onto a tiny bit of hope that things can go back to the way they were where she was constantly talking to me and constantly giving me attention. While I know even back during those times she still didn’t want me and was kind of using me to stroke her ego when she was lonely.... She still was always very caring towards me and I guess I loved that idea in my head, that fantasy if you will, Of being with her and being intimate with her.

also the no contact thing doesn’t really work here because we work together. I know most of you are telling me to just keep it business related when we talk but do you have any idea how difficult that is? This would literally be 1000 times easier for me if we did not work together. I would just completely stop talking to her. At least I would stop messaging her first. But since we work together and I talk to her on a daily basis through text, her replying to me about work issues in a very cold manner just hurts even more because it makes me feel that she really just does not give a crap about how I’m feeling. That to her I’m just some regular work colleague now and she has forgotten all about our history together and what we’ve gone through together the experiences we’ve had together and how caring I’ve always been towards her. this may not be the actual case, but in my mind that’s how I feel.

for the past week we have talked a little bit about nonwork stuff but not much. I have not asked one thing about this guy and she has sent me a couple of texts just asking how I’m doing, not related to this situation, and I making it a point to just let her know that I’m doing fine.

The weekends are the hardest though. She would always text me throughout the weekend and at night and we would talk and talk and talk and now she doesn’t do that at all. And of course this makes my mind race and feel that she has almost forgotten about me now. The nights are the worst. Because I just sit there no matter what I’m doing and just picture to myself that she’s probably in bed with this guy having sex with him and having an amazing time with him and not even thinking for one moment about me at all.

[Rainmkr555]

18 hours ago, Supernova11 said:

If youre still struggling, can I suggest a youtube channel called Mouth of the Ape. He started the channel when he broke up with his ex and he gives lots of generally good advice for breakups (I know you didnt exactly breakup but still), building your self esteem. He’s a lovely genuine spirit and I think you might benefit from those videos

I started watching one of this guys videos. Seems like a lot of the stuff he posts could possibly help me. I will start watching some more of his channel. Thanks for the recommendation.

[Supernova11]

1 hour ago, Rainmkr555 said:

I started watching one of this guys videos. Seems like a lot of the stuff he posts could possibly help me. I will start watching some more of his channel. Thanks for the recommendation.

No probs. I know its tough but you can and will get over this.

[homecoming]

You can go NC with her. I’m NC with an ex that I’m in classes with. We simply don’t speak. It was weird at first and not what I wanted, but you get used to it.

[Supernova11]

24 minutes ago, homecoming said:

You can go NC with her. I’m NC with an ex that I’m in classes with. We simply don’t speak. It was weird at first and not what I wanted, but you get used to it.

Wow, do you think it has made it easier to get over her, like hard at first but then you get over it quicker? Im no contact with my ex outside of work but we still talk at work. Most of the time it is work related but if he sees me in the corridor or work room, we will chat. I broke it off but even so its still hard on me.

[homecoming]

2 minutes ago, Supernova11 said:

Wow, do you think it has made it easier to get over her, like hard at first but then you get over it quicker? Im no contact with my ex outside of work but we still talk at work. Most of the time it is work related but if he sees me in the corridor or work room, we will chat. I broke it off but even so its still hard on me.

To be honest, it has been one of the hardest things ever, even not speaking. But still, there was a time when we did speak and that was hard too - we’d go home separately, etc. Horrible. I think personally it did help to get over it more, even though going NC wasn’t what I wanted to do. It helped me realise in time that I needed to move on, and that being in touch/speaking would only keep me stuck. So yeah it was hard at first but find that I’m getting a lot stronger for it.

[Supernova11]

12 minutes ago, homecoming said:

To be honest, it has been one of the hardest things ever, even not speaking. But still, there was a time when we did speak and that was hard too - we’d go home separately, etc. Horrible. I think personally it did help to get over it more, even though going NC wasn’t what I wanted to do. It helped me realise in time that I needed to move on, and that being in touch/speaking would only keep me stuck. So yeah it was hard at first but find that I’m getting a lot stronger for it.

Hmm, it does remind me that I need to keep vigilant. Noone knows that we were dating at work because I didnt want everyone to know until I was absolutely sure that it was going somewhere special. So that has made things easier but he is now walking around going on about his new amazing girlfriend either to me or even when Im in earshot to other people in the office and they keep asking him “Hey M, did you see V at the weekend?” and then I have to hear what new adventure they got up to. I guess its just keep contact as minimal as possible and hang in there!

[thecrucible]

Dear OP, 

It's upsetting because you're going out on a limb and sharing these feelings but it will make you feel much better and you'll protect yourself, if you just meet her at your level. It'll be okay. So if she's being brief and sounding casual with you, do the same with her.

[assertives]

23 hours ago, Rainmkr555 said:

the no contact thing doesn’t really work here because we work together. I know most of you are telling me to just keep it business related when we talk but do you have any idea how difficult that is? This would literally be 1000 times easier for me if we did not work together. I would just completely stop talking to her. At least I would stop messaging her first.

You don't have to wait till you stop working with her to stop messaging her not work related stuff. This is what I meant by you haven't put in the work to work towards getting over her. I don't believe that passive aggressive text you sent her on your birthday was necessary communication related to work. Neither was that lame international women's day message. You were just looking for excuses to message her outside of work. And frankly, even if either of you cease to work in the same company anymore, you will still be stuck if you continue to text her.

23 hours ago, Rainmkr555 said:

That to her I’m just some regular work colleague now and she has forgotten all about our history together and what we’ve gone through together the experiences we’ve had together and how caring I’ve always been towards her.

This is step one towards working on getting over her.. You guys are just regular work colleagues who also at one point appear to be irregular fwb. She has made it abundantly clear throughout those 4 years that she's not attracted to you as a lover, and sees you only as a friend. You were just a fwb to her. Frankly, now that she's establishing proper boundaries with you is a good thing. No distractions from her and the only thing keeping you stuck is you yourself.

Lastly, you really need to stop imagining her sex life with her partner. Do you have any idea how creepy and weird af that is coming across? You said you can't look for another job, so I'd worry about getting fired. If you are not careful, that's borderline sexual harassment.

 

[Beachead]

@Rainmkr555

 

On 3/15/2020 at 9:30 AM, Rainmkr555 said:

also the no contact thing doesn’t really work here because we work together. I know most of you are telling me to just keep it business related when we talk but do you have any idea how difficult that is? This would literally be 1000 times easier for me if we did not work together. I would just completely stop talking to her. At least I would stop messaging her first. But since we work together and I talk to her on a daily basis through text, her replying to me about work issues in a very cold manner just hurts even more because it makes me feel that she really just does not give a crap about how I’m feeling. That to her I’m just some regular work colleague now and she has forgotten all about our history together and what we’ve gone through together the experiences we’ve had together and how caring I’ve always been towards her. this may not be the actual case, but in my mind that’s how I feel.

Unless you two are actually working on projects together that requires communication, there is no reason to keep her number or talk to her.    Conversation such as the following:

Quote

 

“I want to wish Happy Women’s Day to one of the smartest, kindest, sweetest, most generous, and of course by far the most incredibly beautiful woman I know ”

She replies with only

“Thanks so much ”

I then asked her a work related question and she just replied with

“Everything went well. I’m driving now”

 

..are non-relevant now.  Its unnecessary.  And she can see through the bs because you're not talking to her out of love or care.  You're talking to her because you need to matter to her.  Your ego took a hit after she went cold on you and you need validation from her that you are lovable.  So, you stick around in this toxic environment, testing her with insincere conversation, seeking too soothe that need.  Everytime you do, you wound yourself just a little bit more.  Become a little more lost.  Feel a little more hopeless.  This will bleed into your work-life, family-life and general outside-life and cause more problems, making you feel more of those terrible things.   

It might feel like she's forgotten everything and is a different person but I assure you, she hasn't.  She remembers everything and for the time that she was with you, she enjoyed it.  You got what you got with her because she found you attractive...but ultimately, she didn't want to be with you.   She wants someone else.   Like I said, your reasons for not being able to walk away are about you, not her.   But you have her up on a pedestal, making her the end-all, be-all, and you are having a difficult time letting go because you broke a fundamental rule in life and started up a romance where you make your living.  The reason people say not to do that is because if it ends, you now have to grieve and heal, seeing them regularly.   You are stuck between a rock and a hard place.  Since you don't want to leave your job, then it is your responsibility to put a strong effort into taking the first necessary step to helping yourself get passed this; avoid all unnecessary conversation.  Delete her number.   From now on she's nobody.   That's the first step.  You haven't done that yet.    

- Beach

Edited March 16, 2020 by Beachead

[Rainmkr555]

8 hours ago, Beachead said:

@Rainmkr555

It might feel like she's forgotten everything and is a different person but I assure you, she hasn't.  She remembers everything and for the time that she was with you, she enjoyed it.  You got what you got with her because she found you attractive...

How do you know that this is REALLY all true?

[Beachead]

@Rainmkr555

It took two people to build those experiences, those memories, and the overall connection; you and her.   You didn't build that alone.  She was the other party to it all.  That means, she also has memories and experiences and her side of the story.    Unless someone experiences illness that affects memory, they don't forget like that. Things might get a bit hazy, maybe a few details might be forgotten, but the general memory is there.  Besides, she sees you everyday at work.  Attached to your presence, is your history.

This is not about her forgetting that upsets you..its her coldness.  She's acting like she doesn't care which makes you feel like none of the things you two shared mattered.  I'm here to say that's incorrect.  She's cold precisely because she's fully aware of your history, and in being aware, she can read you, knows your intentions, and is establishing boundaries for herself, because she doesn't want to get into a mess with you.

Overall, the value a person places on their connection with someone else, depends on what it is they are seeking in their own life and how congruent that connection is with that personal desire.  Sometimes one person may place more value and invest more to that connection than the other because it means more to them than it does to the other.  In this case, that's you.   But it doesn't mean the other person forgot everything. 

Edited March 16, 2020 by Beachead

[Rainmkr555]

None of you have to reply to this. But I’m just so hurt. She’s so cold to me now. The way she talks to me is as if we have no history together. I’m just some regular acquaintance. Some colleague at work who she knows nothing about and doesn’t care to know about. it doesn’t even cross her  mind not to mention this other guy anymore. She knows how much it will hurt me and she just doesn’t care. You can ridicule me all you want but I’m so sad right now. This woman used to really care about me and used to talk and talk and talk to me and tell me about everything going on in her world and ask about mine. She literally seems to not even care about me anymore. It’s as if the 6+ past years don’t even exist. she’s cordial and nice and answers questions but she’s not warm towards me. And she doesn’t seem to even care if I’m hurt.
 

I was able to successfully avoid her when she came to the office on Monday. She left me a note about a work something and I texted her and I said sorry I missed you. She replied with “I’m sorry too”. Because I’m so messed up and wanting anything I can get from her my mind immediately started thinking oh maybe she is sad she could not see me or something. Because why else would she say that she has also sorry that I missed her. Because I’m so messed up and wanting anything I can get from her my mind immediately started thinking oh maybe she is sad she could not see me or something. Because why else would she say that she is also sorry that I missed her. But now we just texted and she mentions to me how she’s going to the gym that her “friend” lets her use his membership or something. I told her every gym in the state is closed. And she said well this is a private gym with a private trainer. And so I asked her do you have a private trainer now? And she said that her friend has one that he lets her use. And I said that’s really nice of him. And she said “very nice of him”

almost like she’s throwing it in my face like yes guess what this man is paying for a private trainer for me. I can’t do this anymore guys. You can say how embarrassing this is and how pathetic I am all you want. But I am in so much pain and it literally seems to be impossible for me to be able to just stop talking to her on a personal level. This situation is going to destroy me. I know it. I don’t know what to do.

[Supernova11]

Hi Rainmkr555. I and most of the other people who have commented on your thread don’t want you to suffer. People just get tired of pointing out over and over when someone is not properly into you, that’s all.

Anyway, you end your thread saying “I don’t know what to do”.

You only have two options: enforce limited contact and stay at your workplace or enforce limited contact whilst you look for another job.

In order for us to help you, let us know which option you want to go for right now. I also want to know what you understand by limited contact and describing your situation, give us practical ways that you plan to enforce it at work. Outside of work should be no contact. Again, explain to us how you will enforce no contact outside of work 🙂 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Rainmkr555 said:

 it doesn’t even cross her  mind not to mention this other guy anymore. She knows how much it will hurt me and she just doesn’t care.

With all due respect, there is no reason at all that she should keep her life a secret in order to spare the feelings of someone who suffers from unrequited love.   Her life is not about you.   Most of us suffer from wants and desires which aren't realistic from time to time but the answer is to give ourselves a good talking to about how our expectations being unrealistic.  

I haven't read the whole thread, so forgive me if this has already been suggested: have you started seeing a therapist?   

 

[kendahke]

How did the therapy session go and what did they say to you?