How do you get over someone you work with?

[kendahke]

18 minutes ago, basil67 said:

have you started seeing a therapist?  

  

On 3/7/2020 at 7:25 PM, Rainmkr555 said:

FYI, most of you who have commented on here will be pleased to know that I have scheduled an appointment with a psychologist and I will see him this coming Monday.

that was 2 weeks ago.

[Rainmkr555]

11 minutes ago, kendahke said:

  

that was 2 weeks ago.

Saw him only one time. But because of this virus I have not been able to see him for the past two weeks but I do have a phone session with him tomorrow

Edited March 24, 2020 by Rainmkr555

[Rainmkr555]

43 minutes ago, Supernova11 said:

Hi Rainmkr555. I and most of the other people who have commented on your thread don’t want you to suffer. People just get tired of pointing out over and over when someone is not properly into you, that’s all.

Anyway, you end your thread saying “I don’t know what to do”.

You only have two options: enforce limited contact and stay at your workplace or enforce limited contact whilst you look for another job.

In order for us to help you, let us know which option you want to go for right now. I also want to know what you understand by limited contact and describing your situation, give us practical ways that you plan to enforce it at work. Outside of work should be no contact. Again, explain to us how you will enforce no contact outside of work 🙂 

Finding another job is not an option for me. I thought I could do this if she was still sweet and caring towards me. But I can’t if she’s going to keep being this cold way to me. She asks me questions like how I’m doing in general but it’s not even close how it used to be. She used to be so sweet and caring. I just want to be over this pain. I want this pain to go away. I want to stop imagining her with him. I want her attention again. 
She’s obviously soooo happy with this guy and the fact that she does not even seem to care about how I’m feeling is killing me. You guys have no idea how unbelievably nice I have been to this woman over the years. I can’t believe she’s being this cold to me.

[Rainmkr555]

37 minutes ago, basil67 said:

With all due respect, there is no reason at all that she should keep her life a secret in order to spare the feelings of someone who suffers from unrequited love.   Her life is not about you.   Most of us suffer from wants and desires which aren't realistic from time to time but the answer is to give ourselves a good talking to about how our expectations being unrealistic.  

I haven't read the whole thread, so forgive me if this has already been suggested: have you started seeing a therapist?   

 

Please read at least my OP. This was not just some fantasy of mine in my head wanting to be with her. Me and her have a history together and have been Intimate with each other many times already.

[elaine567]

6 minutes ago, Rainmkr555 said:

have been Intimate with each other many times already.

BUT NOT since 2016 !!!!

[kendahke]

17 minutes ago, Rainmkr555 said:

You guys have no idea how unbelievably nice I have been to this woman over the years. I can’t believe she’s being this cold to me.

So, you think you're owed having your way with regards to her, despite how she feels and what she wants? She has no say-so, as if she was some piece of property of yours? That's what your reasoning sounds like.

your unbelievable--and that was probably what it was--niceness wasn't a contract to something you think you are owed.

What did your therapist say?

Edited March 24, 2020 by kendahke

[Rainmkr555]

23 minutes ago, kendahke said:

So, you think you're owed having your way with regards to her, despite how she feels and what she wants? She has no say-so, as if she was some piece of property of yours? That's what your reasoning sounds like.

your unbelievable--and that was probably what it was--niceness wasn't a contract to something you think you are owed.

What did your therapist say?

We only had one session like I said but from what I described to him he said sounds like a “toxic” relationship. 
 

only toxic for me though. She’s not in pain. She’s not thinking about me every second because I hurt her. She’s not wanting me. She’s as happy as can be. With her new man who does all these things for her. I’m sure she does not view our relationship is toxic at all. She’s just enjoying her life and honestly doesn’t care who she hurts. As I’ve mentioned before she is absolutely physically gorgeous. And she absolutely knows it as well. I’m sure I’m not the only man who she has destroyed. Gorgeous women like her know that for every man they hurt there’s 50 other guys who are dying to talk to her. So why would she care anyway about my pain right?

[basil67]

33 minutes ago, Rainmkr555 said:

Please read at least my OP. This was not just some fantasy of mine in my head wanting to be with her. Me and her have a history together and have been Intimate with each other many times already.

It was never a relationship though, was it.  Just FWB.   You are not owed any pretence from her that her life has stopped without you in it.   The sooner you figure out that the world does not revolve around you, the sooner you will recover.

[basil67]

Just now, Rainmkr555 said:

She’s not in pain. She’s not thinking about me every second because I hurt her. She’s not wanting me. She’s as happy as can be. With her new man who does all these things for her. I’m sure she does not view our relationship is toxic at all. She’s just enjoying her life and honestly doesn’t care who she hurts. As I’ve mentioned before she is absolutely physically gorgeous. And she absolutely knows it as well. I’m sure I’m not the only man who she has destroyed. Gorgeous women like her know that for every man they hurt there’s 50 other guys who are dying to talk to her. So why would she care anyway about my pain right?

Correct on all fronts except about her having destroyed other men's lives.   Most men would also move on after a FWB ends - not end up wasting years of their lives upset because they can't have what they want.   

 

[elaine567]

She hasn't destroyed you, you have destroyed yourself.
When people reject you, you walk away, you find someone else, you find happiness elsewhere.
That is how life works. 
You do NOT hanker after them for years - that is crazy...

[assertives]

Dude... you guys were just friends with benefits. She has even said as much each time you guys 'got intimate many times'. You went on to say how her sweetness and warmth towards you had you convinced that she sees you more than just a friend, and is confusing to you. But now that she's actually having proper boundaries, it should be blatantly obvious that she meant it when she said you are just a friend all these years, no?

2 hours ago, Rainmkr555 said:

She’s obviously soooo happy with this guy and the fact that she does not even seem to care about how I’m feeling is killing me. You guys have no idea how unbelievably nice I have been to this woman over the years. I can’t believe she’s being this cold to me.

Nobody owes anyone a relationship, and even relationships start and end, so even if you guys were in a relationship, she has the right to move on too if it's not working for her. Also, she has every right to bask in her relationship with this guy, and live her life to the fullest the way she wants it regardless of whether you choose to move on or not. She doesn't owe anyone consideration for their unrequited feelings. And yes, no matter how many times you've been intimate before, it is unrequited love because she obviously never wanted you the same way you wanted her. To her, it was just sex. You can't force/beg/manipulate/guilt someone to love you back. 

I urge you to keep with therapy. Your response and entitlement you feel to the reciprocation of the emotions you invest in someone is frankly not normal. Therapy could help you to navigate these feelings and figure out why you have such obsessive and controlling thoughts and perhaps help guide you in formulating some healthy coping strategies. But even so, you'll still need to put in the hard work towards moving on and healing from this intentionally like I said in my earlier post to you.

Edited March 25, 2020 by assertives

[healing light]

I empathize in that I do not easily get over people (or fall for people). That being said, this woman sounds attention-seeking at best. You may have just been an occasional FWB or her consistent source of narcissistic supply for all we know. It seems you can't get over the physical aspect of her, but what you have revealed about her personality has not sounded like a woman who should be doted on a pedestal for 10+ years.

That being said, you have played a role in this, as well. She is acting colder, imo, because she is tired of the passive aggressive texts/drama and she knows there are expectations or strings attached in communicating with you. You are not her friend, you want to be with her--a true friend would be happy to see her floating on cloud nine with another man. She is moving forward with this man, it is likely becoming more serious, so she wants to set a boundary so there is no odd orbiter situation or suspicion from his end. She doesn't need your attention or validation right now--she's getting it from him. If she has narcissistic tendencies, this is the discard phase. Regardless, this is healthy for her to do if she wants to establish a solid relationship with him and stop leading you on.

You will probably never be in the position to be a true friend to her. And that's okay, it happens to the best of us. So it only makes sense to distance yourself from any non-work related conversation. Don't engage or respond to her feelers if she sends any, just keep things professional and seriously consider finding another place of employment so you can put this all in your rearview mirror.

[Supernova11]

8 hours ago, Rainmkr555 said:

Finding another job is not an option for me. I thought I could do this if she was still sweet and caring towards me. But I can’t if she’s going to keep being this cold way to me. She asks me questions like how I’m doing in general but it’s not even close how it used to be. She used to be so sweet and caring. I just want to be over this pain. I want this pain to go away. I want to stop imagining her with him. I want her attention again. 
She’s obviously soooo happy with this guy and the fact that she does not even seem to care about how I’m feeling is killing me. You guys have no idea how unbelievably nice I have been to this woman over the years. I can’t believe she’s being this cold to me.

If you plan to stay at work and enforce limited contact (remember your only other option is to leave), can you give me some examples of ways that you are going to enforce limited contact in the office and no contact outside the office. 

btw - I have to do this every day with an ex, limited contact inside the office and no contact outside the office. Without sounding harsh, don’t think you’re in a unique situation.

Edited March 25, 2020 by Supernova11

[Beachead]

@Rainmkr555

Have you deleted her number and blocked her off of your social media?  Have you stopped reaching out?  

- Beach

[Rainmkr555]

On 3/25/2020 at 3:11 AM, Supernova11 said:

If you plan to stay at work and enforce limited contact (remember your only other option is to leave), can you give me some examples of ways that you are going to enforce limited contact in the office and no contact outside the office. 

btw - I have to do this every day with an ex, limited contact inside the office and no contact outside the office. Without sounding harsh, don’t think you’re in a unique situation.

Did your ex dump/reject you? Is she currently seeing some other guy and is extremely happy with him? Did this other man take her to some tropical island and she came back and you have to see her being all tan because she was laying out every single day in bikinis next to this guy and then doing God knows what with him later on?

I successfully avoided her at the office this past Monday. Our text exchanges this week have been cold. She has asked me how my days going and things like this but not in her usual caring sweet way like she used to be. My office told me to stay home yesterday and today because of this virus thing. She texted me yesterday surprisingly on her own just asking how my day is going. I kept it very brief and told her my day is OK asked her about hers and that was it.

[Rainmkr555]

13 hours ago, Beachead said:

@Rainmkr555

Have you deleted her number and blocked her off of your social media?  Have you stopped reaching out?  

- Beach

We are still friends on Facebook but I have unfollowed her so she does not appear in my newsfeed if she posts something new. However, once in a while I have clicked on her profile to see if she has added anything about this guy. She still has not. Is it bizarre that she’s been seeing this guy for over 3 months now and still makes not one mention of him or posts any photos of him on Facebook? I mean she was just in the Bahamas last month for one week with this guy and she posts nothing about it on Facebook.

it’s been very difficult for me not reaching out. She reached out to me yesterday even though I was not at work (she knew this) and asked how my day was going. I did reply of course but my replies to her were just a matter of fact and cold. We only texted for about 3 minutes.

But I am finally getting to the point where I see that there is absolutely no hope left.

i’ve been rehearsing a talk I may have with her though about not wanting to talk to her anymore. I’ve been thinking about maybe having one last conversation with her where I tell her that we can’t talk personally anymore and ask her to please text me whenever she plans on coming to the office so that I can go to the bathroom or something and not have to see her. Do you think that would be weird to make a request like that of her? Because honestly every time I see her at the office it triggers me. She of course always has to look good and be smiling and happy and act as if she does not have one care in the world. And definitely acts as if she could care less about all the pain I’m going through.

and that makes it so difficult and makes me so angry which is why I desperately want to try to avoid her at the office as much as possible. Do you think she’d be understanding to that?

[kendahke]

On 3/24/2020 at 8:10 PM, Rainmkr555 said:

. She’s as happy as can be. With her new man who does all these things for her. I’m sure she does not view our relationship is toxic at all. She’s just enjoying her life and honestly doesn’t care who she hurts. As I’ve mentioned before she is absolutely physically gorgeous. And she absolutely knows it as well. I’m sure I’m not the only man who she has destroyed

your resentment is palpable.

You're attempting to make her shoulder the blame for you not knowing when to pull back and stop investing unrequited feelings. That is not going to work. Ever.

I'm quite sure most men she's dated have not been destroyed because they have not made her the center of their universe and realized that a done and over FWB fling isn't enough for them to ruminiate on for 4 years.

[Beachead]

@Rainmkr555

Quote

every time I see her at the office it triggers me. 

Recall in an earlier post of mine, I said the one thing you need to do to help you get passed this is the one thing you are unwilling to do;  find a new workplace and never start another workplace romance again.  Out of sight, out of mind.   You don't want to do that.   

If that's the case, then understand this: Everyday you see her, will reopen those wounds.  In seeing her, you'll think about her.  You'll wonder what she's thinking, why she isn't talking, how she could wrong you etc.  So your mind will be on her and when your mind is on her, it won't be on anything else.  You will go home thinking about her and then you will think about how you'll get through the next day.  In doing so, you will be blind to the good in your life and the potential opportunities that come your way, from being in a state of mind where you're thinking forward, because your mind is in the rearview mirror, in the past.   You prolong your suffering.

Your next best solution as people discussed with you, is to remove her from your personal life.  You haven't done that.

Quote

We are still friends on Facebook but I have unfollowed her so she does not appear in my newsfeed if she posts something new. However, once in a while I have clicked on her profile to see if she has added anything about this guy. She still has not. Is it bizarre that she’s been seeing this guy for over 3 months now and still makes not one mention of him or posts any photos of him on Facebook? I mean she was just in the Bahamas last month for one week with this guy and she posts nothing about it on Facebook.

Unfollowing her is a start but its not good enough, precisely because of the above bolded statement.   You're going online and checking her profile out, looking for any kind of clue on the health of their relationship and where she's at emotionally.  Doing this also reopens your wounds, keeps your mind fixed on her, keeps you analyzing, drives your anxiety up.  Again, this bleeds into other parts of your life.   People filter their life and only show what they want people to see, on social media.  For all your troubles, the best you'll ever get from doing that, is assumptions and speculations. 

If you want to get better, remove her.   Doing so will be an affirmation to yourself, that you have actually taken the first real step of letting go of this situation, in favour of your future.  If you don't do that, you prolong your suffering.

So all in all, you haven't made the real moves you needed to make to get to where you need to be yet.  You can excuse yourself for why all you want but just know at the end of the day, it won't be anyone else suffering..it'll be you.  If you care about yourself, then do what you need to do for yourself to get to where you want to be.  We're responsible for our own well-being.  If we can't take care of us, nobody else will.  I suggest you begin.

Quote

i’ve been rehearsing a talk I may have with her though about not wanting to talk to her anymore. I’ve been thinking about maybe having one last conversation with her where I tell her that we can’t talk personally anymore and ask her to please text me whenever she plans on coming to the office so that I can go to the bathroom or something and not have to see her. Do you think that would be weird to make a request like that of her?

I think that's you looking to get a reaction out of her while giving you additional reasons to continue engaging with her so that you can prolong your interactions..because you aren't ready to let go..because you're heartbroken and addicted.  

- Beach

 

 

Edited March 26, 2020 by Beachead

[Rainmkr555]

1 hour ago, Beachead said:

@Rainmkr555

Recall in an earlier post of mine, I said the one thing you need to do to help you get passed this is the one thing you are unwilling to do;  find a new workplace and never start another workplace romance again.  Out of sight, out of mind.   You don't want to do that.   

If that's the case, then understand this: Everyday you see her, will reopen those wounds.  In seeing her, you'll think about her.  You'll wonder what she's thinking, why she isn't talking, how she could wrong you etc.  So your mind will be on her and when your mind is on her, it won't be on anything else.  You will go home thinking about her and then you will think about how you'll get through the next day.  In doing so, you will be blind to the good in your life and the potential opportunities that come your way, from being in a state of mind where you're thinking forward, because your mind is in the rearview mirror, in the past.   You prolong your suffering.

Your next best solution as people discussed with you, is to remove her from your personal life.  You haven't done that.

Unfollowing her is a start but its not good enough, precisely because of the above bolded statement.   You're going online and checking her profile out, looking for any kind of clue on the health of their relationship and where she's at emotionally.  Doing this also reopens your wounds, keeps your mind fixed on her, keeps you analyzing, drives your anxiety up.  Again, this bleeds into other parts of your life.   People filter their life and only show what they want people to see, on social media.  For all your troubles, the best you'll ever get from doing that, is assumptions and speculations. 

If you want to get better, remove her.   Doing so will be an affirmation to yourself, that you have actually taken the first real step of letting go of this situation, in favour of your future.  If you don't do that, you prolong your suffering.

So all in all, you haven't made the real moves you needed to make to get to where you need to be yet.  You can excuse yourself for why all you want but just know at the end of the day, it won't be anyone else suffering..it'll be you.  If you care about yourself, then do what you need to do for yourself to get to where you want to be.  We're responsible for our own well-being.  If we can't take care of us, nobody else will.  I suggest you begin.

I think that's you looking to get a reaction out of her while giving you additional reasons to continue engaging with her so that you can prolong your interactions..because you aren't ready to let go..because you're heartbroken and addicted.  

- Beach

 

 

I’m home again from work today and she just texted me over an hour ago all on her own again. She said this: 

“Good morning 
Not sure if you want to know .. but I ended up at ER last night ...“

I of course replied and asked her what happened. And she said that she was having major abdominal pains throughout the day and at night it really felt the worst. So she went over there. I of course couldn’t resist the temptation to probe so I asked if she called an ambulance. And she replied that “her friend” brought her over there. Immediately my thoughts went from sympathy for her pain to complete anger that she just had to mention this guy AGAIN. I guess she was at his house late last night and he of course brought her over there and just like the perfect boyfriend he obviously is waited with her in the ER the entire time until the morning until her test results came back. What a catch he is huh?

Btw....Is there anything to read into how she started that text by saying “Not sure if you want to know”? I have been trying to be cold with her myself the past few days and maybe that’s why she started her text out like that? Almost as if she’s saying “not sure if you care BUT...”

I just said I’m sorry that she felt that way and that I’m glad the test results show that nothing serious is wrong. She thinks that she is just stressed out I guess blah blah blah. And that was it really.

I did talk about us and my pain a little bit with her. And I did end up mentioning that I can’t see her at the office anymore. She said no problem she understands and that she will give me a heads up whenever she plans on coming to the office. That’s actually a major relief for me because like I said seeing her really does trigger me. But as far as stopping talking to her about personal stuff? I mean how can I when she reaches out to me and feels it’s necessary to let me know that she went to the ER last night? How am I supposed to respond to that? Tell her I don’t care leave me alone?

 

Edited March 26, 2020 by Rainmkr555

[Supernova11]

3 hours ago, Rainmkr555 said:

Did your ex dump/reject you? Is she currently seeing some other guy and is extremely happy with him? Did this other man take her to some tropical island and she came back and you have to see her being all tan because she was laying out every single day in bikinis next to this guy and then doing God knows what with him later on?

 

Block her on Facebook. Then call her and tell her that you’re trying to get over her and ask her not to call you. Then block her on your phone. Then when she talks to you at work, ask her if she could only keep the discussion to work related things because you are trying to get over her. If she strikes up another conversation and you it’s not work related, tell her you are serious and if she keeps speaking to you and flirting then you’ll take the matter to HR. If she speaks to you again about non related work issues, take it through HR. Explain what has been going on to HR and take it down those channels if she keeps harassing you.

In response to you questions, I split up with him. I understand from your post that you never had a relationship with this woman and  have admitted yourself that you are obsessed.

Is he currently seeing some other girl and us extremely happy with him? He is seeing someone and from the little he has told me, is extremely happy. It’s hard to deal with but he’s entitled to that.

Have they been to a tropical island? No, he’s been at work the whole time. But it’s likely she will join him on one of two holidays later in the year that he already has booked and one of them is in the Caribbean. I don’t know what relevance any of that has.

Stop obsessing. Follow my rules above. Block her on everything. She isn’t worth your attention.

 

 

Edited March 26, 2020 by Supernova11

[Beachead]

@Rainmkr555

Quote

Btw....Is there anything to read into how she started that text by saying “Not sure if you want to know”? I have been trying to be cold with her myself the past few days and maybe that’s why she started her text out like that? Almost as if she’s saying “not sure if you care BUT...”

It means she's aware there is a rift between you two, she's likely noticed your distancing and she knows she has done things to elicit the present circumstances between you two. She knows that you're in the right to be upset.   In some messed up way, she's testing to see if she can still hook you.

Quote

But as far as stopping talking to her about personal stuff? I mean how can I when she reaches out to me and feels it’s necessary to let me know that she went to the ER last night? How am I supposed to respond to that? Tell her I don’t care leave me alone?

Keep in mind, you're suffering yourself, and she is the source of the suffering.  You're trying to get better but she is doing things that are making it difficult.  You are doing things to yourself that are making it difficult as well.  If you are in this state of mind, you can't be a friend to someone in these conditions.  Its not possible.  So to answer your question of how do you respond to something like that?  You don't respond at all.   Its hard to do, but its necessary, for YOUR well-being.  She doesn't want to be with you and you need to get passed it and that's what your silence is about.  You're not being rude if your mental-health is on the line here.  You're looking out for yourself.  If you're not 100%, you can't be there for anyone else.    Now, if she eventually probes you about your distancing,  then you tell her you need your space and you prefer to keep things only about work (And that work-related stuff should only pertain to any projects you two may be working together on).  If she ignores that and encroaches on those boundaries you've established again, you remind her or you ignore her.

 

- Beach

Edited March 26, 2020 by Beachead

[schlumpy]

4 hours ago, Rainmkr555 said:

Btw....Is there anything to read into how she started that text by saying “Not sure if you want to know”? I have been trying to be cold with her myself the past few days and maybe that’s why she started her text out like that? Almost as if she’s saying “not sure if you care BUT...”

 

 

 

 

Yes, it is significant. She's making you dance for her amusement and your only thought is: to what tune?

[basil67]

8 hours ago, Rainmkr555 said:

Did your ex dump/reject you? Is she currently seeing some other guy and is extremely happy with him? Did this other man take her to some tropical island and she came back and you have to see her being all tan because she was laying out every single day in bikinis next to this guy and then doing God knows what with him later on?

Rainmkr555, ALL of our exes have done this.  Any of us who see our exes due to work or linked friendship groups have seen the tan.   We can't expect them to hide all future relationships or cease living because of us.

[homecoming]

10 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Did your ex dump/reject you? Is she currently seeing some other guy and is extremely happy with him? Did this other man take her to some tropical island and she came back and you have to see her being all tan because she was laying out every single day in bikinis next to this guy and then doing God knows what with him later on?

As @basil67 mentions, our exes have, in some way, flaunted their happiness/nonchalance in front of us. I had to attend classes with my ex, who ignored me and blocked me when I tried to say hi. I wanted to end my life at times, because I couldn't understand why this person was rejecting me so cruelly. Yet, I pushed on. I went to uni, saw my ex, did my best to focus on what I was there to do. It hurt. I almost wanted to quit my degree. But I didn't. I am still in pain, but I am in nowhere near the amount that I was before. 

The point is, that you MUST stop engaging with her. That's it. It doesn't matter what she is doing. It is starting to look like you don't want to move on, really. But if you want to heal, you just have to stop engaging with her.

[basil67]

And not even deliberate 'flaunting'.  It can be as simple as them getting on with their lives and not feeling the need to hide the fact that they've moved on.