How do you get over someone you work with?

[Rainmkr555]

@Yosemite It has not “been 4 long years” at all though. I’m not sure if you read my OP or follow up posts, but this woman has flirted with me as recently as this past December. And over the past couple of years has continued to flirt with me, talk to me about sex, have cyber sex a couple of times with me through text, and sent me many many many sexy photos of herself (some of her in just her underwear) all without me even asking her to. 

So If your perception is that since the last time we had sex in December 2016 she’s just been a cold fish to me this whole time and acting only as a FRIEND....then you are very mistaken.

[kendahke]

On 4/4/2020 at 10:38 AM, Rainmkr555 said:

So she used some guy who she does not find physically attractive for attention and sex?

At the very beginning while this was going on, she may have felt attraction for you--before she got to know you better and the 'real you" came into focus.  Once the "real you" became clear, to the "real her",  she changed her mind and decided that there was no there there with you.

[kendahke]

4 minutes ago, Rainmkr555 said:

’m not sure if you read my OP or follow up posts, but this woman has flirted with me as recently as this past December.

but was it really flirting or was it you misinterpreting her being nice as her flirting?

and even if she did send you pics, flirted with you, had cybersex--none of that was her in person with you. She was probably bored and knew your nose was wide open and used it to her advantage because she knows you will let her do that.

Edited April 5, 2020 by kendahke

[homecoming]

3 minutes ago, Rainmkr555 said:

@Yosemite It has not “been 4 long years” at all though. I’m not sure if you read my OP or follow up posts, but this woman has flirted with me as recently as this past December. And over the past couple of years has continued to flirt with me, talk to me about sex, have cyber sex a couple of times with me through text, and sent me many many many sexy photos of herself (some of her in just her underwear) all without me even asking her to. 

So If your perception is that since the last time we had sex in December 2016 she’s just been a cold fish to me this whole time and acting only as a FRIEND....then you are very mistaken.

Is she flirting with you now?

[preraph]

A lot of people send photos they took of themselves to their friends now. All it shows is that she likes attention and validation that she's hot. It's 2020. She hasn't had sex with you in 4 years. She does not want you. She's trying to do a balancing act so you don't go completely off your nut at work. You are really unbalanced and need to go into therapy.

[homecoming]

On 1/23/2020 at 1:48 PM, Rainmkr555 said:

However, in 2013 we started texting about work issues, which led to personal talks, which led to flirting, which led to talking about sex, which then led to us making out in a supply room at work, which then led to us going out one night and having sex.  But, just 2 weeks after that night, she made it clear that she only really wants friendship with me. 

 

On 1/23/2020 at 1:48 PM, Rainmkr555 said:

By Spring 2014 we were talking sexually again and we met out one night and totally went at it in her car (no sex. Just making out). When her birthday was coming up in July, she asked me if I wanted to go grab dinner with her and then go back to her place for dessert. Obviously I said YES. I ended up just going over to her house and we had drinks and had sex on her couch. She did not want to go in her bed for some reason. I thought it was good but again she did not seem to like it. The following week we went out for drinks and she again told me she felt no chemistry with me and only wanted to be my friend.

 

On 1/23/2020 at 1:48 PM, Rainmkr555 said:

Then in December 2016, me and her went to a movie together. Afterwards we went to a bar, then sat in her car talking, and then ended up kissing and having sex in her car right in the parking lot of the bar. I couldn't believe it was happening and I was soo happy. But again, the next day she sent me a text saying while she does not regret it and she had a great time, we are still only going to be friends.

 

On 1/23/2020 at 1:48 PM, Rainmkr555 said:

She has also dated a couple of different guys over the past 6 years of our special friendship as well.  Each time I found out, I would get soooo jealous and upset and sad.  I would ask her why she won't date ME? And she always says that she has "no chemistry" with me and that she is "not attracted" to me.  She had sex with me on 3 different occasions and flirted with me all these years but she is NOT attracted to me??

 

 

I think that the intermittent nature of her attention towards you has made you stuck in this limbo of hoping she will come back around again. But look, she's told you several times that she doesn't want to be with you - for whatever reason. She doesn't want to be with you. Sleeping with someone a few times, and actually being in a relationship with them are two different things. I could sleep with someone, but that doesn't mean I want to be with them. Being horny and wanting to marry someone are two different things. 

I am unsure why you made this post. In your OP, you've said you want to get over her. People have offered you advice. You seem reluctant to take it. She herself has told you she isn't interested. Many times. It's not as if you're having to guess what she wants - she's told you and shown you.

When someone makes a statement, you say "oh, but she said in 2015 that..." or "but, she looked at me in 2016" - you have an excuse and a rebuttal for every answer that we give. 

I personally think that you need professional help, or that you'll just burn yourself out with this in due time. There isn't anything any of us could say to help you. You seem insistent on defending her actions and trying to prove to yourself/us that she DOES like you, or whatever. 

Edited April 5, 2020 by homecoming

[elaine567]

On 1/23/2020 at 1:48 PM, Rainmkr555 said:

in 2013 we started texting about work issues, which led to personal talks, which led to flirting, which led to talking about sex, which then led to us making out in a supply room at work, which then led to us going out one night and having sex.  But, just 2 weeks after that night, she made it clear that she only really wants friendship with me.

That if it had happened to me would have been the end of that.
You can't persuade people who only see you as a "friend" to date you or fall in love with you.
It, as it has been proved, is a compete waste of your time.
7 years later...

[preraph]

You were just in the right place at the right time, but that doesn't mean she wants to keep you.  For example, I had a guy who liked me many years ago who I already knew from friends who didn't mind sharing that he was fun in bed but a real walking calamity otherwise, couldn't keep a job, got in too much trouble, for example drove a truck in to a bridge on one job.  So I liked him for sex for awhile, but I was not at all interested in dating him or letting him hang around and be a boyfriend.  And certainly a woman may sleep with a guy and then find out more about how he is and decide, Nope, not at all my type, for any number of reasons.  In your case, I'd say because of mental issues since you can't let this go and have no pride whatsoever.  I'm sure early on (you said within 2 weeks) she got a whiff of something about you she knew wasn't her cup of tea. If you weren't working with her, she'd have ghosted you back then.  

[Rainmkr555]

I’m loving how everyone just says I have “mental issues” and “need therapy”. Which yes this may be true.....every single one of you (except for @beach) does not give this woman even ONE OUNCE of blame for either this situation or the pain I’m in.

Edited April 5, 2020 by Rainmkr555

[Minneloa]

5 minutes ago, Rainmkr555 said:

I’m loving how everyone just says I have “mental issues” and “need therapy”. Which yes this may be true.....every single one of you (except for @beach) does not give this woman even ONE OUNCE of blame for either this situation or the pain I’m in.

How does blaming her help you move on?

[assertives]

People did though, and it's written all over the past 8 pages of this thread, but then again, what good does it do to allocate blame on her? Does it even change anything? Point is, at some stage, you need to take responsibility for allowing her to treat you poorly for so many years. Besides, she has now gotten to the stage where she's stopped being affectionate, stopped leading you on and this is on top of her telling you throughout the years that she only wants to be friends and nothing more. 

Let it go already before you find yourself slapped with a restraining order. She has likely found someone she really likes and want to develop and nurture something long-term and meaningful with. Splitting hairs, trying to dissect what she meant when she said she's not physically attracted to you isn't going to change the outcome. You are only pain shopping at this point and choosing to stay put in this painful situation. 

[assertives]

17 minutes ago, Minneloa said:

How does blaming her help you move on?

Because he doesn't really want to move on. The whole purpose behind the initial intention of this thread of "wanting to get over someone he's working with" is all a farce. I'm beginning to wonder if OP rather remain in pain maybe because it's still considered some form of connection to her, otherwise he will have to put in the hard work to move on.

Edited April 5, 2020 by assertives

[preraph]

You're right, Rainmkr.  She should have complained about you to HR years ago for continuing to pursue her at work.  Instead, she has been gentle with you trying not to rock the boat so you don't lose your job.

[homecoming]

It’s interesting that a few people have written some very constructive posts, yet you’ve chosen to ignore them, instead,  getting annoyed at people suggesting that you are emotionally unbalanced in some way. 

Pretty much what you’ve been doing throughout this; ignoring constructive advice.

[Rainmkr555]

9 minutes ago, preraph said:

You're right, Rainmkr.  She should have complained about you to HR years ago for continuing to pursue her at work.  Instead, she has been gentle with you trying not to rock the boat so you don't lose your job.

You do understand how ridiculous your post is right? So basically what you’re saying is she shouldn’t have had sex with me two more times, sent me lots of sexy photos of herself, texted me about sex over and over and over, went out with me countless more times, made out with me countless more times, flirted with me countless more times. Instead of doing all that for years, she should’ve instead just gone to HR. That’s what you’re saying right?

[preraph]

Once she was done having sex with you and you continued to send her love notes, you are lucky she hasn't gotten nasty about it, yes.  Sex was four years ago.  It's over.  She sends a lot of people photos.  That's how she is.  This is you trying to force her to continue to have sex with her because she once did.  

[kendahke]

2 hours ago, Rainmkr555 said:

I’m loving how everyone just says I have “mental issues” and “need therapy”. Which yes this may be true.....every single one of you (except for @beach) does not give this woman even ONE OUNCE of blame for either this situation or the pain I’m in.

she isn't the one writing in complaining and whining about not wanting to let go of someone who isn't checking for her.

Quite frankly, she wouldn't have done none of what you claim she's done had you not only opened the door for her, but taken it off its hinges and taken a sledgehammer to the frame and jamb to widen the opening.

As to the pain you're in:
 

Quote

On 1/23/2020 at 8:48 AM, Rainmkr555 said:

in 2013 we started texting about work issues, which led to personal talks, which led to flirting, which led to talking about sex, which then led to us making out in a supply room at work, which then led to us going out one night and having sex.  But, just 2 weeks after that night, she made it clear that she only really wants friendship with me.

that also is your own doing. You've had 7 years to change course and at each junction, you kept on going down Destruction Blvd.

I refer you to my signature line below:

  | | |

 VVV

Edited April 5, 2020 by kendahke

[kendahke]

1 hour ago, Rainmkr555 said:

So basically what you’re saying is she shouldn’t have had sex with me two more times,

she shouldn't have had sex with you AT ALL--that's called "pooping where you eat" and where you are right now is the exact reason why workplace relationships are a really bad idea.

[Rainmkr555]

23 minutes ago, kendahke said:

Quite frankly, she wouldn't have done none of what you claim she's done had you not only opened the door for her, but taken it off its hinges and taken a sledgehammer to the frame and jamb to widen the opening.

What I “claim she’s done”? Are you implying that I am either embellishing or exaggerating or even making up my history with this woman? Because if you are, I can assure you 100% that I am not. Trust me, I wish that I was making most of this up because it might be easier for me to get over it.

[preraph]

I think you need to reread Kendahke's first paragraph.  

[Beachead]

 

@Rainmkr555

I've always said you're responsible for taking care of yourself BUT we all affect eachother as well in the words we say, the behaviours we practice, the actions we take, the choices we make.  We have an impact on others and we can affect them.   She had an impact on you and she affected you.  She owns a certain accountability for what happened.

She allowed herself to get close to a coworker.  She wanted sex.  She got it.  She wanted fun and flirtation..she got it.  Then at some point, when she saw you growing attached to her and showing yourself in your vulnerability..things got a little too real for her and she was forced to make a decision and this outcome was what she chose.  Half-committed, non-serious, people always reveal themselves eventually.   Others may disagree but I take it as she wasn't serious from the beginning.  She may not have known that herself..or maybe she did.   But, a person who wants a relationship with you for the longterm will make it happen.  They'll show love.  They'll work with you.  They'll forgive your weaknesses.  They do this because they want a future with you and they'll be damned if they do anything to jeopardize that..because they know if they do, they're regret it.  Even the fights and the bad times are just two steps back to go 10 steps forward.  And when you sit back and look at a relationship like that in its entirety..you'll see forward momentum. 

Quote

In 2013 we started texting about work issues, which led to personal talks, which led to flirting, which led to talking about sex, which then led to us making out in a supply room at work, which then led to us going out one night and having sex.  But, just 2 weeks after that night, she made it clear that she only really wants friendship with me.

This should have been the day you gave her the finger and walked away.  But for some reason, you didn't.  You disrespected yourself and you stayed.  Could be because of hope or a desire for a relationship...any relationship, for fear of being alone.  Could be needing the history you two shared to mean something and not end so painfully because then you would feel  taken advantage and like you wasted your time (which is ego). 

Whatever prevented you from not letting it go, cost you 7 long years of holding your heart hostage.  If you cut this off, another 7 could pass.  Do you really want a woman who did you like this, to snatch up another minute of your life?  Or do you want to make the right decisions today for yourself, so that you can live a better tomorrow.   This is a question of do you believe in yourself?   Do you believe in yourself to live your life where she is no longer a part of it in any way, shape or form, and sail out alone for awhile, heal yourself along the journey, so that you can be emotionally available to meet someone new who might be more compatible?  

- Beach

 

Edited April 5, 2020 by Beachead

[Rainmkr555]

@Beachead

I just really love her man. Not talking to her has been soo hard for me. Especially during this whole lock down insanity.

She was here at my office today. She texted me to let me know, just like we agreed, and I went into the bathroom while she was here. She texted me when she left and I went back to my office. She then asked me how my weekend was and I told her honestly that it wasn’t very good. She asked why and I replied:

“You know why 
I’m very lonely. I have no one. Not even you anymore. And I very much would love to talk to you but I’m scared to text you. And the only time you text me is during the day during the week...
So it’s just me trying to make it through this insane coronavirus situation on my own.“

She just replied with “I’m sorry”. And that was it. 

I know you guys don’t believe that I want to get over this but believe me I REALLY DO. I can’t stand this pain anymore. But at the same time I don’t want to let her go. I’m afraid that she’ll completely forget about me and stop caring about me. It already feels like that’s happening now already.

Edited April 6, 2020 by Rainmkr555

[Beachead]

@Rainmkr555

Quote

I don’t want to let her go. I’m afraid that she’ll completely forget about me and stop caring about me. It already feels like that’s happening now already.

Is that why you don't want to leave your job and find a new one?

 

 

[Rainmkr555]

11 minutes ago, Beachead said:

@Rainmkr555

Is that why you don't want to leave your job and find a new one?

 

 

No. I’m just kind of locked into this current job I have right now. The reasons for me not being able to leave have nothing to do with her. 

[basil67]

4 hours ago, Rainmkr555 said:

She then asked me how my weekend was and I told her honestly that it wasn’t very good. She asked why and I replied:

“You know why 
I’m very lonely. I have no one. Not even you anymore. And I very much would love to talk to you but I’m scared to text you. And the only time you text me is during the day during the week...
So it’s just me trying to make it through this insane coronavirus situation on my own.“

She just replied with “I’m sorry”. And that was it. 

I know you guys don’t believe that I want to get over this but believe me I REALLY DO. I can’t stand this pain anymore. But at the same time I don’t want to let her go. I’m afraid that she’ll completely forget about me and stop caring about me. It already feels like that’s happening now already.

I'm not sure what else she could have responded.  She is correct to stay out of your pity party.    Honestly, if you keep up this behaviour she really will lose any remaining respect for you.  At best she would have rolled her eyes at this text and at worst, she would have thought the text pathetic.  I'm not saying this to be mean, but to help protect you from yourself.   This is the stuff to vent to a diary or a therapist - but not to her.  

The correct answer to her question should have been "quiet weekend with coronavirus and all".  And then gone back to work.