How do you get over someone you work with?

[kendahke]

  

On 3/26/2020 at 1:51 PM, Rainmkr555 said:

I mean how can I when she reaches out to me and feels it’s necessary to let me know that she went to the ER last night?

Every phone has a blocking feature. They're real handy with stopping texts and calls you don't want to receive. You do have some agency in this.

Quote

Did this other man take her to some tropical island and she came back and you have to see her being all tan because she was laying out every single day in bikinis next to this guy and then doing God knows what with him later on?

My ex sent pictures of himself to me laying in his new girlfriend's bed while she was in Paris, talking about "wish you were here" 6 months after he left me for her.  That was 9 years ago and I let go of ruminating about him right then and there.

The unavoidable truth is: she's free to do what she wants with her time and body. She's nobody's wife and not legally bound to anyone. What you won't do is nail shut her access door (block her from sending you "pay attention to me but you can never have me" texts about an upset stomach) and thus, you keep destroying yourself. The evidence of her lack of giving a rip is that she's still moving on with her life, as she should--as should you.

On 3/25/2020 at 4:11 AM, Supernova11 said:

I thought I could do this if she was still sweet and caring towards me.

But the truth is: that wouldn't be enough. You'd still want more. That's evident when you wrote above:

On 3/26/2020 at 1:51 PM, Rainmkr555 said:

I of course couldn’t resist the temptation to probe so I asked if she called an ambulance. And she replied that “her friend” brought her over there. Immediately my thoughts went from sympathy for her pain to complete anger that she just had to mention this guy AGAIN.

Of course...

Well, you asked... why should she lie or leave that out? Her loyalty isn't with you.

If the truth is too hard to handle, don't ask the question.

[Rainmkr555]

So I think it’s finally over. Barring some miracle from HER SIDE.... We definitely will not be as close as we have been all these years and I am making a commitment to not talk to her about personal stuff anymore and basically not even reach out to her unless it’s regarding work. However, I’m not going to be rude to her either. If she asks how I’m doing or asks about something going on in my life I will tell her but I will just be matter of fact about it and I will not ask her any questions about her life. She has already texted me a couple of times this week (only during the day and during the week OF COURSE) and has asked how I am doing.  I have always just replied with "I am OK" and that's it and have not asked her any follow up questions. 

I do need some help from you guys though in helping get some clarification about her feelings and her mentality towards me though. 

After our text message exchange last week which I shared here about her ER visit, me and her did have a brief conversation on the phone later that day (I called her of course). We just started talking about the current coronavirus situation, we both work in healthcare, and then I started asking her about a text exchange we had back in January. An exchange that I really did need some clarification on before I move forward.

When we were texting back then, she had asked me if I would still want her after everything she has “done to me” (her words). I basically told her that “love is blind” and that of course I would. She then said “You’re still too good for me”. I replied “I thought I wasn’t good enough?” and she said “that is what you believe”. I asked her in what ways am I too good and she replied “all ways”. 

Well, last week I asked her about that and I wanted to know what she meant. And what she said was that I’m too good because I shouldn’t still be treating her as nicely as I still do since she has hurt me many times and has been so “nasty” (her word) to me on many occasions. I basically told her it’s because I want her so much and I care about her so much. 

But she did seem to get a little angry when I was bringing up this topic once again. She says that she’s never seen anything like this before. Some guy that just cannot let go of her. She said there was some other guy who was very into her over the summertime who she hung out with a few times and he really wanted to be with her also. But she was not interested and after a couple of weeks he stopped trying to reach out to her. Basically implying to me that that is how I should be as well. She then said that I am acting kind of "psycho" and that I am "obsessed" with her. I reminded her though that it's not like all of this is in my head or something.  That me and her DO HAVE A HISTORY TOGETHER and that as recently as December she was flirting with me through text.  But she did not seem to want to hear that. All she said was that she knows that over the years me and her have had some "close moments", is how she put it. 

Also, bear in mind that up until this point in the conversation I have not gotten angry or bitter towards her AT ALL and was just asking questions in a very calm manner.  But for some reason she just started getting mad at me.  She also mentioned that she herself has been rejected before but that she is happy with herself and just moves on from it. I told her she can't compare me to her because she is "F-ing gorgeous" I said, and because of that she has many options and can get any man she wants which makes any rejection she might have much much easier. She basically agreed with my point.

She then went on to say AGAIN that the main reason she does not want to be with me is that she is "not physically attracted" to me.  She is turning 49 this summer, I just turned 40 a few weeks ago and this guy she's with now is 58.  I asked her "So you're saying that this man who is almost 60 is more physically attractive than I am?" She did not say flat out yes to that specific question, but said that TO HER he is just great all around. 

I know I keep asking this question of you guys but....HOW IS SHE NOT PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED TO ME???? Sooooo when this whole thing started and we were flirting and talking about sex and making out at work and then met up and had sex (she's the one who texted ME that evening to invite me out btw)......she was NOT PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED TO ME??? When she flirted with me for years and years after and sent me many sexy photos of herself and made out with me a few more times and had SEX with me 2 more times and basically had cyber sex with me through texting a handful of more times.....SHE WAS NOT PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED TO ME???

I am sorry, but this still makes absolutely ZERO sense to me.  Especially when this woman is STUNNING AND GORGEOUS. She is not desperate for a man at all, trust me.  This is just something that is very important for me to get clarity on.  Because for years I always thought that she was at least attracted to me.....but the real reason why she did not want me as more than a friend was because she just did not feel chemistry with me.  That I would have accepted a lot easier for some reason.  But she saying that my exterior appearance is the main reason why we are not together......really hits me hard.  

Anyway, like I said, I am making a real effort to not talk to her.  It's been so hard believe me. Especially during the shut down because I know that if she were single right now, me and her would be talking for hours each day as we are stuck in our homes.  But since I can't even text her anymore and she obviously never texts me herself on nights or weekends.....I'm just feeling very very alone. 

PS  We also agreed when we talked on the phone last week (and this was all MY IDEA) that she would text me whenever she planned on coming to the office so that I can make sure I can not be here so that I do not have to see her.  Seeing her in person is very very hard for me and each time she comes to the office, I honestly just imagine her and this man having sex and what ever else God knows what they've been doing.  She was completely understanding of that and said she will do it.  She has not been to the office since then though.

[homecoming]

Quote

know I keep asking this question of you guys but....HOW IS SHE NOT PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED TO ME???? Sooooo when this whole thing started and we were flirting and talking about sex and making out at work and then met up and had sex (she's the one who texted ME that evening to invite me out btw)......she was NOT PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED TO ME??? When she flirted with me for years and years after and sent me many sexy photos of herself and made out with me a few more times and had SEX with me 2 more times and basically had cyber sex with me through texting a handful of more times.....SHE WAS NOT PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED TO ME???

I’m going to be blunt. 
 

She used you for sex, attention, and whatever else. That’s it. 

[kendahke]

what does your therapist think about the call?

Quote

She is turning 49 this summer, I just turned 40 a few weeks ago and this guy she's with now is 58.  I asked her "So you're saying that this man who is almost 60 is more physically attractive than I am?"

Yes--that's exactly what she is saying.

Believe it or not, sexual and physical attraction does not have a shelf date. You just can't wrap your head around that fact.

When you reach that age, God willing, you will see.

Edited April 3, 2020 by kendahke

[preraph]

She just sounds like she slept with you our of impulsiveness.  

[kendahke]

4 hours ago, Rainmkr555 said:

I know I keep asking this question of you guys but....HOW IS SHE NOT PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED TO ME???? Sooooo when this whole thing started and we were flirting and talking about sex and making out at work and then met up and had sex (she's the one who texted ME that evening to invite me out btw)......she was NOT PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED TO ME??? When she flirted with me for years and years after and sent me many sexy photos of herself and made out with me a few more times and had SEX with me 2 more times and basically had cyber sex with me through texting a handful of more times.....SHE WAS NOT PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED TO ME???

You should let your therapist read this thread and get their take on this.

[homecoming]

Sounds like the years & years of flirting were probably due to the fact that she hadn't met anyone she wanted to be with. She was probably bored and lonely, and sought you out. Now she has met someone she wants to be with, she isn't interested in you anymore (and wasn't in the first instance) 

I really understand that you have strong feelings, but it's very simple. She just doesn't want to be with you, and she didn't and doesn't share your feelings. She capitalised on your interest to get herself some attention, and she got it. That's all there is to it. 

I think that by posting here so often you're looking for someone to say what you want to hear, but that won't happen. She will never want to be with you, and it would be a good idea to try and move your focus away from this woman.

[basil67]

6 hours ago, Rainmkr555 said:

She then went on to say AGAIN that the main reason she does not want to be with me is that she is "not physically attracted" to me.  She is turning 49 this summer, I just turned 40 a few weeks ago and this guy she's with now is 58.  I asked her "So you're saying that this man who is almost 60 is more physically attractive than I am?" She did not say flat out yes to that specific question, but said that TO HER he is just great all around. 

I know I keep asking this question of you guys but....HOW IS SHE NOT PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED TO ME???? 

I have to be honest, a guy who can't understand that a woman may not be physically attracted to him is automatically unattractive.   It's an incredibly vain trait and not at all endearing.   

Sexual attraction is far more complex than one's appearance.  While I can't speak for other women, I can assure you that how a guy looks is fairly unimportant to me in terms of attraction.  For me, it's all about how he makes me feel and how we connect.   

[Beachead]

@Rainmkr555

7 hours ago, Rainmkr555 said:

So I think it’s finally over. Barring some miracle from HER SIDE.... We definitely will not be as close as we have been all these years and I am making a commitment to not talk to her about personal stuff anymore and basically not even reach out to her unless it’s regarding work. However, I’m not going to be rude to her either. If she asks how I’m doing or asks about something going on in my life I will tell her but I will just be matter of fact about it and I will not ask her any questions about her life. She has already texted me a couple of times this week (only during the day and during the week OF COURSE) and has asked how I am doing.  I have always just replied with "I am OK" and that's it and have not asked her any follow up questions.   

..PS  We also agreed when we talked on the phone last week (and this was all MY IDEA) that she would text me whenever she planned on coming to the office so that I can make sure I can not be here so that I do not have to see her.  Seeing her in person is very very hard for me and each time she comes to the office, I honestly just imagine her and this man having sex and what ever else God knows what they've been doing.  She was completely understanding of that and said she will do it.  She has not been to the office since then though.

As long as there is dialogue between the both of you and an open channel to communicate, things will return to full-blown conversations with her again, because its what you want.  And as long as that goes on, you will continue to analyze her words, her behaviour and everything she does..looking for explanations and answers because you're looking for hope.  You don't seem get that yet and unfortunately you're going take an emotional beating from her a little while longer until you grow tired enough, to cut this off.

Also, if you two see eachother at work but aren't actually working together, you have nothing to talk about.  Talking about work-related things doesn't mean conversing about how eachothers day at work was.  It means, discussing business only.   In your case atleast.

7 hours ago, Rainmkr555 said:

After our text message exchange last week which I shared here about her ER visit, me and her did have a brief conversation on the phone later that day (I called her of course). We just started talking about the current coronavirus situation, we both work in healthcare, and then I started asking her about a text exchange we had back in January. An exchange that I really did need some clarification on before I move forward.

When we were texting back then, she had asked me if I would still want her after everything she has “done to me” (her words). I basically told her that “love is blind” and that of course I would. She then said “You’re still too good for me”. I replied “I thought I wasn’t good enough?” and she said “that is what you believe”. I asked her in what ways am I too good and she replied “all ways”. 

Well, last week I asked her about that and I wanted to know what she meant. And what she said was that I’m too good because I shouldn’t still be treating her as nicely as I still do since she has hurt me many times and has been so “nasty” (her word) to me on many occasions. I basically told her it’s because I want her so much and I care about her so much. 

Its code for "You need to find someone who cares about you as much as you're care about me because I'm not that person and I feel bad about it." 

She doesn't want anything to do feelings/relationships with you anymore which is what you continue to bring up so she knows you're struggling.  You're not hiding anything from her.   She sees you suffering and she feels guilty so she tries to be soft with you but you interpret that as attraction because you're looking for hope and you end up pissing her off because you come across as someone who can't take a hint.

The past doesn't matter anymore.  You're using situations from a long time ago to try to make sense of her behaviour today, because your ego won't allow you to accept that this woman got the best of you and used you.  Telling her things like "love is blind" and "because I care about your so much" to a woman who isn't reciprocating only pisses her off more because you're making her feel bad about herself and she wants nothing to do with feelings/relationships with you anymore.  She wants all that to be in the past so that she can get on with her life.  

You want clarification but the clarification has always been there Rainmkr555.  You're just not willing to see it.   She chose to be with someone else instead of you, despite your history.  That in itself is your clarification.  

- Beach

 

[Rainmkr555]

14 hours ago, basil67 said:

I have to be honest, a guy who can't understand that a woman may not be physically attracted to him is automatically unattractive.   It's an incredibly vain trait and not at all endearing.   

Sexual attraction is far more complex than one's appearance.  While I can't speak for other women, I can assure you that how a guy looks is fairly unimportant to me in terms of attraction.  For me, it's all about how he makes me feel and how we connect.   

If right from the beginning she had rejected all my advances towards us becoming anything more than just work colleagues/friends with no benefits whatsoever because she just did not find me attractive physically.....then OF COURSE I would have accepted that and moved on. Trust me, I’ve been rejected many many times in my life before (hard to believe right?) by women I’ve either been on a first date with or just tried to chat up for the first time. 

But this woman carried on a years long intimate friendship with me where numerous times we were definitely more than “just friends”. And whenever I wanted or asked about us being more, she always replies that she is “not physically attracted” to me.  

While for YOU “how a guy looks is fairly unimportant”.....obviously to HER it is very important. And THIS is where my confusion lies. Because if this insanely gorgeous woman, who can have any man she wants and knows it, cares soooo much about a man’s exterior appearance, then why would she have done everything that she did with me for years and years if she thought I was physically ugly the whole time?

And again, I keep underlining the word physically because that is exactly what she is talking about here. My EXTERIOR APPEARANCE.

[Rainmkr555]

18 hours ago, homecoming said:

I’m going to be blunt. 
 

She used you for sex, attention, and whatever else. That’s it. 

So she used some guy who she does not find physically attractive for attention and sex? For what purpose? What would she get out of getting attention and having sex with a guy she obviously thinks is ugly physically? Makes no sense.

 

Also, I’m not looking at her with rose colored glasses on when I constantly refer to her as being “gorgeous”. She factually is absolutely beautiful. She doesn’t need to settle for some physically unattractive man like ME when she knows that she can pretty much have any man she wants.

[homecoming]

22 minutes ago, Rainmkr555 said:

So she used some guy who she does not find physically attractive for attention and sex? For what purpose? What would she get out of getting attention and having sex with a guy she obviously thinks is ugly physically? Makes no sense.

 

Also, I’m not looking at her with rose colored glasses on when I constantly refer to her as being “gorgeous”. She factually is absolutely beautiful. She doesn’t need to settle for some physically unattractive man like ME when she knows that she can pretty much have any man she wants.

To be honest, you keep repeating the same point/question, in the hopes that someone will say "yeah, she probably did find you attractive" - she didn't. 

Yes, she used some guy who she didn't find physically attractive for attention and sex. Why? Because, as I said, she was lonely, bored, wanted sex, felt low within herself, whatever. I don't know, I'm not her. But that is what she did. It doesn't make sense, but people do it. 

I myself had the exact same experience. My ex would come over to my house every single day. Have sex. Spend time with me. But you know what she kept telling me? That I was not her type, physically. She did the exact same thing as this woman; flirted with me on and off, for years. I was you, actually. I was looking for signs and confirmation everywhere that she MUST have been into me. She simply used me, as it was during a period of her life when she didn't have many friends, and no romantic attention. It didn't make sense to me either, and took me a long time to accept. 

The woman you're describing has done the exact same thing. There is no one on this thread that thinks different, and we are all separate people, not united in trying to make you feel bad, but giving our view on the situation. What is 'factually beautiful', anyway? You're hooked on this woman, so you would say that. I can guarantee that if a picture of her were shown to all of us here, not all of us would find her attractive. Maybe none of us would. Maybe we all would. Strange description. 

People that are 'factually beautiful', despite what you think, don't have unlimited romantic options. My ex was stunning, but had a very horrid personality, and had been single for four years before me. Being beautiful doesn't mean you have unlimited options, nor does everyone find what you perceive to be beautiful attractive. Not everyone is into looks, not everyone is into certain looks, etc. Seems like you're living in a bit of a bubble. 

Honestly, I don't think anything anyone says here will get through to you. She used you. Doesn't want you. Is with someone she wants. That's how simple it is. 

 

 

[Beachead]

@Rainmkr555

She WAS physically attracted to you, otherwise she wouldn't have messed around with you sexually.  The answer is there in her actions.   Simple as that.  She just isn't explaining herself properly either because she doesn't know how to, or she is at the mercy of trying to get you off of her back.  Ignore her words and pay attention to her actions.

 

 

 

 

 

[Minneloa]

Just now, Beachead said:

@Rainmkr555

She WAS physically attracted to you, otherwise she wouldn't have messed around with you sexually.  The answer is there in her actions.   Simple as that.  She just isn't explaining herself properly either because she doesn't know how to, or she is at the mercy of trying to get you off of her back.  Ignore her words and pay attention to her actions.

 

 

 

 

 

I would add: ignore the past and focus on the present.

[Beachead]

Indeed Minneloa. 

 @Rainmkr555  You've got your head in the past and are using it evaluate the present because of your desperation for approval/validation.  

Physical attraction is just one element of attraction and just because she was physically attracted to you, doesn't mean she wanted you as a partner.  Physical attraction gets you in the door but it doesn't get you the longterm deal.  Everything else such as how you carry yourself, your personality, your materialistic wealth and a bunch of other criteria, depending on the person is what gets her to want to commit to you and stay with you.

..and even if you do everything right, there's still a variable in there; her.  And you have minimal control over it. 

Her behaviour, her choices, her actions are all at the mercy of factors that pertain to her life; her upbringing and her past, the adversity and struggle she's gone through, the people she's encountered in her life and her current social life and the way she copes with her problems.  They all come to play when she makes decisions.  You could be a great guy, but if all this stuff on her side amounts to her requirement qualities in a partner that you don't have, she won't choose you..and that doesn't mean its your fault.  Not everything is about you and putting the blame on yourself isn't fair to you.

This woman isn't all that.  She's got issues.  You're just stuck on her because you've programmed yourself into dealing with only her for the last number of years, so you don't remember how to think or be any other way.  More over, your own insecurities are what's preventing you from letting go.

Edited April 4, 2020 by Beachead

[Rainmkr555]

1 hour ago, Beachead said:

Indeed Minneloa. 

 @Rainmkr555  You've got your head in the past and are using it evaluate the present because of your desperation for approval/validation.  

Physical attraction is just one element of attraction and just because she was physically attracted to you, doesn't mean she wanted you as a partner.  Physical attraction gets you in the door but it doesn't get you the longterm deal.  Everything else such as how you carry yourself, your personality, your materialistic wealth and a bunch of other criteria, depending on the person is what gets her to want to commit to you and stay with you.

..and even if you do everything right, there's still a variable in there; her.  And you have minimal control over it. 

Her behaviour, her choices, her actions are all at the mercy of factors that pertain to her life; her upbringing and her past, the adversity and struggle she's gone through, the people she's encountered in her life and her current social life and the way she copes with her problems.  They all come to play when she makes decisions.  You could be a great guy, but if all this stuff on her side amounts to her requirement qualities in a partner that you don't have, she won't choose you..and that doesn't mean its your fault.  Not everything is about you and putting the blame on yourself isn't fair to you.

This woman isn't all that.  She's got issues.  You're just stuck on her because you've programmed yourself into dealing with only her for the last number of years, so you don't remember how to think or be any other way.  More over, your own insecurities are what's preventing you from letting go.

Thank you as always Beach for your thoughtful analysis of my painful situation here.

I know that you are saying that she was definitely physically attracted to me....but why are others on here such as @homecoming saying that she definitely was NOT physically attracted to me?

[homecoming]

32 minutes ago, Rainmkr555 said:

Thank you as always Beach for your thoughtful analysis of my painful situation here.

I know that you are saying that she was definitely physically attracted to me....but why are others on here such as @homecoming saying that she definitely was NOT physically attracted to me?

Because you will cling on to her being attracted to you, that's why. People do sleep with and talk to those that they're not physically attracted to, I'm not imagining it. If she was attracted to you, she would have been with you 'properly'. She isn't, so she didn't. Anyway, good luck, I hope you manage to overcome your feelings. I don't believe that you want to get over it, tbh.

Next time, directly ask me instead of asking others in a thread why I've said something, to try and get people to rally up on me. I think it's a waste of time trying to help someone that doesn't want to be helped.

Edited April 4, 2020 by homecoming

[Beachead]

@Rainmkr555

I know this stuff is harsh but its necessary.  You need people to cut through your self-deception and bs and hit you with the bitter facts.

To the one being rejected, I know it feels like a betrayal of a personal nature, in that moment and for a long while.   Its painful.  Paralyzing.  You want to cuss them out for hurting you.  You want to try and right the wrongs you did that led to that outcome.   You want answers.  You want to know you meant something to them.  You hate them for what they're doing but you care about them as well.   But despite your internal conflict, you just need to realize the very fact a person decides to choose someone else, dump you, or generally reject you, is all the answer you will ever need.  Its just tough to swallow so we find ways to make something out of nothing because in a sick way, it prolongs a connection with them.  Just remember, their choice is something that is out of your control.  To resist that decision is to compete with that person's entire life's worth of experiences that make up their complexity.   You will lose that competition 10 times out of 10.   That's why at the end of the day, if someone doesn't want to be with you, shut your mouth and walk away.  Whatever it is you think you want to say or do, don't.  Do nothing. To get passed this, you have to learn to let be and let go.  Its the complete opposite of what you want to do, but it is exactly what you need to do.

- Beach

Edited April 4, 2020 by Beachead

[preraph]

I think her reminding you how you just keep saying you love her after all the ways she's clearly told you she's not interested in you that way anymore are her way of saying she doesn't like your desperation.  She isn't saying it harshly like that, but she's saying you shouldn't be crawling after anyone who isn't interested.  And that is more of a turnoff every time you do it, I can assure you, because it shows you have no pride and no standards.  

[Marc878]

Projection: I love her so she MUST love me too. Nope, she sure doesn’t.

You're keeping yourself tied up in this. She’s told you and shown you all you are is a temporary distraction but you don’t want to believe it.

No one can help you here. It’s all on you.

[basil67]

6 hours ago, Rainmkr555 said:

Thank you as always Beach for your thoughtful analysis of my painful situation here.

I know that you are saying that she was definitely physically attracted to me....but why are others on here such as @homecoming saying that she definitely was NOT physically attracted to me?

You get different answers because nobody knows for sure - we just come to conclusions based on our own life experiences.  

It could also be that she's lying about physical attraction and the truth is that she finds you intolerably boring.  Or messy.  Or annoyingly tidy.  Or you have a different humour to you.  Or needy and desperate and doesn't want to tell you.   Or, she may not even know herself. 

I think that a lot of your inability to get over her is because you want a concrete answer which you can understand.  But relationships don't work like that because we're dealing with humans who have individual thoughts and feelings rather than mathematics.

[basil67]

8 hours ago, Rainmkr555 said:

While for YOU “how a guy looks is fairly unimportant”.....obviously to HER it is very important. And THIS is where my confusion lies. Because if this insanely gorgeous woman, who can have any man she wants and knows it, cares soooo much about a man’s exterior appearance, then why would she have done everything that she did with me for years and years if she thought I was physically ugly the whole time?

And again, I keep underlining the word physically because that is exactly what she is talking about here. My EXTERIOR APPEARANCE.

You say that the guy she's seeing now is older than you and less attractive.  This blows your theory about exterior appearance being important to her out of the water.  

[elaine567]

People are all looking for different things and at different times in their life they may change their mind about what they really want too.
Had you been what this woman is looking for, then she had ample opportunity to make you hers. .
As it was she never wanted a proper relationship with you.
Having a besotted orbiter is fun, it is an ego boost, but now she has a real contender for  the position of bf/love of her life she is irritated by you.
It is no longer fun, it is a pain the neck....
Ask me how I know?
This man is 10 years her senior, and while you may dismiss his attractiveness level, he is probably exactly what she wants and has been searching for...

[Yosemite]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

It could also be that she's lying about physical attraction and the truth is that she finds you intolerably boring.  Or messy.  Or annoyingly tidy.  Or you have a different humour to you.  Or needy and desperate and doesn't want to tell you.   Or, she may not even know herself.

Or she could be too scared of you at this point to tell you the real reason. She has to see you at work, you probably know where she lives…It’s been 4 long years and you still won’t let go…that’s not a normal response. If she told you the real reason, you would probably lose it and who knows what you would do. She has to keep you placated while also keeping you away…not an easy balance to strike.

If she knew back then that you had so little self-respect, she never would’ve gotten involved with you in the first place. She just wanted a little fun with a younger guy…she didn’t know that you would still be waiting around 4 years later. 

You say that when you speak to her on the phone, you sound calm and don’t reveal any of your emotions. Unless you’re a robot, I bet the emotion comes through even if you think you’re hiding it. Quiet, repressed rage can be even more scary than someone who just yells and lets it out…I can only imagine how scared she must feel. 

Fill your life with hobbies and activities so that you're too busy to think about her. Call your friends etc and keep your mind occupied with other things and she'll eventually fade out of your head.

Everyone gets rejected, everyone, even you. You've been rejected, now you need to let go.

[Rainmkr555]

@Yosemite It has not “been 4 long years” at all though. I’m not sure if you read my OP or follow up posts, but this woman has flirted with me as recently as this past December. And over the past couple of years has continued to flirt with me, talk to me about sex, have cyber sex a couple of times with me through text, and sent me many many many sexy photos of herself (some of her in just her underwear) all without me even asking her to. 

So If your perception is that since the last time we had sex in December 2016 she’s just been a cold fish to me this whole time and acting only as a FRIEND....then you are very mistaken.