How do you get over someone you work with?

[homecoming]

5 hours ago, Rainmkr555 said:

I know you guys don’t believe that I want to get over this but believe me I REALLY DO. I can’t stand this pain anymore. But at the same time I don’t want to let her go.

IMO that is the only truth within that sentence. Sadly, you have to. She needs to be free to live her life, as do you.

 

Edited April 7, 2020 by homecoming

[Rainmkr555]

29 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm not sure what else she could have responded.  She is correct to stay out of your pity party.    Honestly, if you keep up this behaviour she really will lose any remaining respect for you.  At best she would have rolled her eyes at this text and at worst, she would have thought the text pathetic.  I'm not saying this to be mean, but to help protect you from yourself.   This is the stuff to vent to a diary or a therapist - but not to her.  

The correct answer to her question should have been "quiet weekend with coronavirus and all".  And then gone back to work.

You’re not being mean. You’re spot on. Not only was my text pathetic but I AM pathetic. Trust me I know this. But I just have this intense need for her to feel bad for me. For her to fully understand that without her my world is upside down. For her to feel (And I know most if not all of you here do not blame her for any of this) even just a little bit of guilt for being the main reason for all my pain. I know it won’t make her want to be with me. It might have the opposite effect even....but at least I might have just a momentary feeling that she stills cares about me.

Edited April 7, 2020 by Rainmkr555

[assertives]

1 hour ago, Rainmkr555 said:

even just a little bit of guilt for being the main reason for all my pain

I feel like she does though. Hence why she's cutting back on too much unnecessary conversations and warmth and just being polite and nice to you just like a regular co-worker to avoid leading you on further. She's also acceding to your request to let you know when she's coming by your office so you can avoid running into her as seeing her hurts you even more. Like I said in an earlier reply, she's finally having some decent boundaries, which is actually a good thing. 

[basil67]

I'm sure she does understand that your world is upside down and it's likely that she's still staying in contact out of pity.   So cares in a pitying kind of way.   She won't feel guilt because she's not the one keeping you in this state of tortured love from a distance - you're the one who's doing this to yourself.   

When she disappears from your life, do you want to be remembered as the guy who couldn't cope - or the guy who she enjoyed some times with?  

[kendahke]

Quote

“You know why 
I’m very lonely. I have no one. Not even you anymore. And I very much would love to talk to you but I’m scared to text you. And the only time you text me is during the day during the week...
So it’s just me trying to make it through this insane coronavirus situation on my own.“

She just replied with “I’m sorry”. And that was it. 

The worst kind of a relationship to have is one where the foundation is built on pity and not genuine love/affection/desire. That is wholly unhealthy, mentally and emotionally, and she has enough of a care for her own emotional/mental well being to steer clear of the mired trap.  She knows she'd suffocate.

[Beachead]

12 hours ago, Rainmkr555 said:

You’re not being mean. You’re spot on. Not only was my text pathetic but I AM pathetic. Trust me I know this. But I just have this intense need for her to feel bad for me. For her to fully understand that without her my world is upside down. For her to feel (And I know most if not all of you here do not blame her for any of this) even just a little bit of guilt for being the main reason for all my pain. I know it won’t make her want to be with me. It might have the opposite effect even....but at least I might have just a momentary feeling that she stills cares about me.

I know that getting through a breakup feels almost like do or die.  Like you're in the middle of the ocean on a sinking boat.  Your radio is dead, and all you've got is a life-jacket and a choice;  stay there after the boats sunk, floating and crying over what you lost or begin swimming.  One path has no potential for a future.   The other choice does.

The life jacket and the choice though, is the good that is already in your life that you're not paying attention to because you're dwelling on what you think you've lost.  The good is the help you're getting here on LS.  The good is the people who count on you and care about you like your family, friends.  The good is that you're employed and you're earning.  The good is your health.  It's the laughter you've given to others.  The help you've given to them.  The good things you've done.  Your accomplishments.  Even the little things like that morning cup of coffee.   All the stuff that you should be reminding yourself of so that you remember, there are things to enjoy, you've got support,  you've got potential, you're worth something, you are loved and that you don't need this woman to approve all that for you.

Calling yourself pathetic gives you an excuse not to take responsibility for your well-being, and continue to wallow so stop that.  You are not pathetic.   You are just coping poorly because you're heartbroken and you need some support.  That's all.  If getting passed things like this were so easy, we wouldn't need places like Loveshack would we? People come on here not because they're doing fine, but because they know they've got a problem, they want to get better and they need some support to do it.  Give yourself credit for taking that step but also know wanting to get better isn't enough my man.  Its 50% of the battle.   You're going to have to start doing for yourself.   People can't make you better.  You have to make you better.  And all the support in the world won't do anything if you're unwilling to help yourself.

You can start the process by never again trying to scrape the bottom of the barrel for her sympathy and pity and pawning it off for care because that's not helping yourself.  Fall apart here.  Fall apart to a friend.  Fall apart to a therapist.  But don't fall apart in front of her.

- Beach

 

[kendahke]

Do a google search on "Jennifer Lewis sit in $#!t" and listen to what she has to say.

[Supernova11]

5 hours ago, Beachead said:

I know that getting through a breakup feels almost like do or die.  Like you're in the middle of the ocean on a sinking boat.  Your radio is dead, and all you've got is a life-jacket and a choice;  stay there after the boats sunk, floating and crying over what you lost or begin swimming.  One path has no potential for a future.   The other choice does.

The life jacket and the choice though, is the good that is already in your life that you're not paying attention to because you're dwelling on what you think you've lost.  The good is the help you're getting here on LS.  The good is the people who count on you and care about you like your family, friends.  The good is that you're employed and you're earning.  The good is your health.  It's the laughter you've given to others.  The help you've given to them.  The good things you've done.  Your accomplishments.  Even the little things like that morning cup of coffee.   All the stuff that you should be reminding yourself of so that you remember, there are things to enjoy, you've got support,  you've got potential, you're worth something, you are loved and that you don't need this woman to approve all that for you.

Calling yourself pathetic gives you an excuse not to take responsibility for your well-being, and continue to wallow so stop that.  You are not pathetic.   You are just coping poorly because you're heartbroken and you need some support.  That's all.  If getting passed things like this were so easy, we wouldn't need places like Loveshack would we? People come on here not because they're doing fine, but because they know they've got a problem, they want to get better and they need some support to do it.  Give yourself credit for taking that step but also know wanting to get better isn't enough my man.  Its 50% of the battle.   You're going to have to start doing for yourself.   People can't make you better.  You have to make you better.  And all the support in the world won't do anything if you're unwilling to help yourself.

You can start the process by never again trying to scrape the bottom of the barrel for her sympathy and pity and pawning it off for care because that's not helping yourself.  Fall apart here.  Fall apart to a friend.  Fall apart to a therapist.  But don't fall apart in front of her.

- Beach

Seriously Beach, this is awesome. I love reading your posts even though they are not for me! Inspiring stuff 👍

[Beachead]

@Supernova11

Thank you friend.  Very glad to hear I can help.  

- Beach

[RadDude247]

I read this whole thread today. Not sure why it was so interesting. But the main thing that jumps out at me is how fixated OP is on whether or not she was ever physically attracted to him. And he focuses on how physically gorgeous she is. Maybe I’m missing some posts, but it strikes me as so shallow. Maybe if you look for something deeper than physical beauty, and look for the same within you, you’ll start to come out of this mess. 

[Rainmkr555]

On 4/8/2020 at 9:02 PM, RadDude247 said:

I read this whole thread today. Not sure why it was so interesting. But the main thing that jumps out at me is how fixated OP is on whether or not she was ever physically attracted to him. And he focuses on how physically gorgeous she is. Maybe I’m missing some posts, but it strikes me as so shallow. Maybe if you look for something deeper than physical beauty, and look for the same within you, you’ll start to come out of this mess. 

I definitely see how you can come to that conclusion. It is true, I am obsessed with her appearance. She is the exact type of woman physically that I love. Obviously that’s not the only thing I like about her. But it is a very big percentage of it yes. The reason why I keep bringing up her telling me she’s “not physically attracted” to me is because for some reason that just does not make any sense to me at all. 

I know that @Beachead said on here that she definitely was physically attracted to me in the beginning but obviously my behavior, materialistic wealth, and some other things maybe changed her attractiveness to me. But does behavior cause a person who maybe once was physically attracted to you no longer be physically attracted to you? I mean your physical appearance is still there. That’s just your shell. The outside. I’m still the same guy physically who she started all this with and had sex with and flirted with all these years and seemed to want validation from as far as her physical appearance is concerned. Why not just tell me that we don’t have similar interests, our views are not aligned, it just doesn’t seem like a good fit, any of those things?

On a sidenote, she keeps texting me asking me vague vanilla type questions like “how was your day” “Busy day?” 

I do not text her first at all anymore. Even about work matters I just send her stuff through our internal work email. But I don’t text her about things. But every single day (during the week only of course) she texts me. Whether it’s about a work issue or just to see how my day is going. I’m always short with her in my replies. Never rude. I don’t tell her to leave me alone or anything. But I just answer with “ok” “I see” “I’m ok” sometimes when she asks me how my day was I will just say “going ok. You?” And she will just say her day is busy or blah blah blah. I also do not put any smiley faces after any of my texts. This is something me and her would always do when we would text each other. And the fact that I don’t do that at all anymore should definitely be noticeable to her. There’s no way she does not notice that I’m acting differently towards her. I mean this is a woman who I would text with for hours and hours about everything and anything. I never wanted to stop talking to her. And she obviously can see in the way I’m texting her now that I’m not engaged in conversation with her but yet every day she will text me. For example yesterday. She sent me this graphic for good Friday with some warm wishes. All I did was reply with “thank you. To you too” and she just said thanks. Then about four hours later at 6:15, which mind you is very strange these days because she only seems to text me during the day during the week, I got a text from her asking me how my day was. I was pretty surprised because she never texts me this late anymore. We talked a little bit and talked about our Easter. She then said she will just be home. I of course had to ask her if she’ll be just home with her kids. And she replied with “more people”. I immediately knew what she meant by that. It means yes she’ll be home with her kids but also this freaking guy will be there as well. At least that’s what I THINK she means by “more people”. And this of course immediately made me upset. All I said to her was “oh ok” and that was the end of the conversation. She did not reply again. 

Like WTF? I seriously try to grasp onto even the itsy bitsy bit of hope from her such as her asking me how my day was at the unusually late time at 6:15 PM on a Friday. But of course as I probe more I find out, and again this may be all in my mind, that this guy will be coming over to her house to have Easter with her family. And then right away I feel like crap and my mind starts racing thinking about how serious her relationship with this guy must be now that he’s coming over for a major holiday and spending it with her and her kids.

Edited April 11, 2020 by Rainmkr555

[preraph]

On 4/6/2020 at 7:49 PM, Rainmkr555 said:

You’re not being mean. You’re spot on. Not only was my text pathetic but I AM pathetic. Trust me I know this. But I just have this intense need for her to feel bad for me. For her to fully understand that without her my world is upside down. For her to feel (And I know most if not all of you here do not blame her for any of this) even just a little bit of guilt for being the main reason for all my pain. I know it won’t make her want to be with me. It might have the opposite effect even....but at least I might have just a momentary feeling that she stills cares about me.

The main reason for your pain is your mental health.  If it hadn't been her, it would have been someone else that triggered the obsessiveness.

 

Attractiveness isn't limited to your physical shell.  Someone can be really physically perfect and once you talk to them or get to know them, they are no longer attractive at all to you.  I don't know how you can fail to know this.  Why do you think people date?  They go out with someone they're attracted to, they get to know them, and then then eliminate 90 percent of them as people they want to keep seeing because they don't like their personality or they have problems or they are not a match in any number of ways like lifestyle.  But they were somewhat attracted or never would have gone out in the first place.  My guess, you were far too whiny and needy for her or most women.  And you do have mental issues, just the tip of the iceberg, definitely obsessive and seems like delusional as far as not accepting reality.

Edited April 11, 2020 by preraph

[homecoming]

You made this post in January. It's now April, and as far as we can see, you've put no work into getting over her - still dissecting contact, still ruminating and thinking about the same things. In time, you'll go through it on your own, without needing the input of other people. 

It doesn't really matter why she doesn't want to be with you, or what she said. She just doesn't. Doesn't matter why. 

Is this your first relationship? You seem to be quite inexperienced in how attraction and romantic dynamics operate.

Edited April 11, 2020 by homecoming

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Rainmkr555 said:

The reason why I keep bringing up her telling me she’s “not physically attracted” to me is because for some reason that just does not make any sense to me at all. 

Emotions frequently don't make sense.   And ruminating on them, refusing to let it go...it won't help it make sense.  The best thing you can do is say to yourself "this will never make sense to me so I will let it go and move on"

1 hour ago, Rainmkr555 said:

But does behavior cause a person who maybe once was physically attracted to you no longer be physically attracted to you? I mean your physical appearance is still there. That’s just your shell. The outside. I’m still the same guy physically who she started all this with and had sex with and flirted with all these years and seemed to want validation from as far as her physical appearance is concerned. Why not just tell me that we don’t have similar interests, our views are not aligned, it just doesn’t seem like a good fit, any of those things?

Can behaviour cause a person to lose physical attraction.  HELL YES!   

Why does she not tell you that those are the actual reasons?    Perhaps she figures that you're smart enough to know that ongoing physical attraction is underpinned by emotional connection.   Oh wait, you do know this!   Her words would be superfluous.   Besides, none of us are entitled to real reasons when a FWB moves on.  Or even someone we're dating properly.

1 hour ago, Rainmkr555 said:

On a sidenote, she keeps texting me asking me vague vanilla type questions like “how was your day” “Busy day?” 

I would guess that she sends these small messages because you've been telling her how terribly you're doing and she's worried about you.  The fact that she doesn't want a relationship with you doesn't mean that she doesn't care if you live or die.   I would suggest you tell her that you realise it's time for you to move on and it would be best if she doesn't message you anymore.  If this is to work, you need to say it in a relaxed way.  Not a despairing way.

[Rainmkr555]

2 hours ago, preraph said:

The main reason for your pain is your mental health.  If it hadn't been her, it would have been someone else that triggered the obsessiveness.

 

Attractiveness isn't limited to your physical shell.  Someone can be really physically perfect and once you talk to them or get to know them, they are no longer attractive at all to you.  I don't know how you can fail to know this.  Why do you think people date?  They go out with someone they're attracted to, they get to know them, and then then eliminate 90 percent of them as people they want to keep seeing because they don't like their personality or they have problems or they are not a match in any number of ways like lifestyle.  But they were somewhat attracted or never would have gone out in the first place.  My guess, you were far too whiny and needy for her or most women.  And you do have mental issues, just the tip of the iceberg, definitely obsessive and seems like delusional as far as not accepting reality.

You honestly think I have mental issues just because I’m in love with this woman and I am brokenhearted over the fact that she is with someone else now?

[preraph]

Because you are in love with a woman who has told you she doesn't want you.  The requisite to staying in love with someone is them loving you back.  

Once they don't, you have to face reality that she was NOT the one and move on.  

 

And you've held obsessively onto this for years and no signs of letting up.  And you have delusions about attraction and can't understand how someone might be attracted for a minute and then get to know you and lose attraction.  There's something not connecting there that should be.  And you have this delusion that she should feel responsible and coddle you about this.  A woman you work with.  A woman you have no business crossing all these boundaries with.  You can't get over thinking that she must be made to think about it like you do, and that is delusional.  No one would be thinking about it like you do.  That's how I know something is wrong here.   

[basil67]

5 hours ago, Rainmkr555 said:

You honestly think I have mental issues just because I’m in love with this woman and I am brokenhearted over the fact that she is with someone else now?

I agree with Preraph.  You've lost a number of years of your life obsessing over her - and are apparently unable to let go and move on.   Sadness when something ends is normal, but spending years stuck spinning your wheels, trying to guilt her into feeling bad is not in the realms of emotionally healthy.   You're at the point where professional help is required.  

[EmilyJane]

Dude. Stop. Like just stop. To you this is the potential romance of the century. Always on the brink of starting. 
To her you are the reliable ego boost or flattering attention by someone who adores her - that costs her nothing. 

She literally never gives you anything in return. 
 

She is absolutely not a kind caring person. We don’t do this stuff - keep a someone dangling  for a decade knowing we never want to be in a relationship with them and perpetually f***ing with his head by getting him all romantically revved up then rejecting him. 
 

The way to get over this one is to see her as she really is.
 

My advice: Set  aside some time each day  and force yourself to write (I’d make it a journal/diary on here if they still have that function so everyone following the thread keeps you honest)  

- two sh*tty things she has done to you

- two occasons she stopped you being open to other women because she pretended to be available to you then shut you down,—

- one negative character trait

- one thing about her habits that really irritates you

- one interest or pass time of hers you just do not understand why she likes it 

-one time she has really hurt you and the way it made you feel about yourself. 

 

Then write 1 character trait you need in a partner, how being with her will feel, what things you’d like to do together (keep it clean I mean like shared interests). 
 

Keep doing it. Keep doing it until the words flow about how angry you are at things she has done and things you dislike about her and the values/interests you do not share. 

I give it three weeks before your feelings start to change. Three months and work won’t be as difficult. 

I can explain why I’m suggesting this method and why it will solve how you deal with having to work with her in a reply if you are interested. 

If you decide to try this, please please come back on here and ping me (like @my user name ) so that I can tell you the next bit about how to fix what she’s done to your self esteem and beliefs about how lovable you are. I know these are affected even if you do not want to discuss it openly. It’s what this type of control and manipulation does to the recipient. It’s no good doing the first bit without the second bit - if our goal is to get you to the real love of your life xx
 

[Fletch Lives]

Get a girlfriend.

I apologize for my long winded post!

[elaine567]

On 4/7/2020 at 1:49 AM, Rainmkr555 said:

I just have this intense need for her to feel bad for me. For her to fully understand that without her my world is upside down. For her to feel (And I know most if not all of you here do not blame her for any of this) even just a little bit of guilt for being the main reason for all my pain. I know it won’t make her want to be with me. It might have the opposite effect even....but at least I might have just a momentary feeling that she stills cares about me.

^^^ This was me when I was really young and I split up with a bf.
I had the idea if I showed him  how upset I was again and again, I would convince him to take me back.
I tried to make him pity me and tried to essentially emotionally blackmail him into seeing me again.
It didn't work.
It was never going to work, because what I did and what you are doing is basically unattractive to most people.
This woman is a nice woman, she is just being nice to you.
She doesn't want you, just like my ex-bf didn't want me and it is all just a waste of time.
 

[Beachead]

20 hours ago, Rainmkr555 said:

I do not text her first at all anymore. Even about work matters I just send her stuff through our internal work email. But I don’t text her about things. But every single day (during the week only of course) she texts me. Whether it’s about a work issue or just to see how my day is going. I’m always short with her in my replies. Never rude. I don’t tell her to leave me alone or anything. But I just answer with “ok” “I see” “I’m ok” sometimes when she asks me how my day was I will just say “going ok. You?” And she will just say her day is busy or blah blah blah. I also do not put any smiley faces after any of my texts. This is something me and her would always do when we would text each other. And the fact that I don’t do that at all anymore should definitely be noticeable to her. There’s no way she does not notice that I’m acting differently towards her. I mean this is a woman who I would text with for hours and hours about everything and anything. I never wanted to stop talking to her. And she obviously can see in the way I’m texting her now that I’m not engaged in conversation with her but yet every day she will text me. For example yesterday. She sent me this graphic for good Friday with some warm wishes. All I did was reply with “thank you. To you too” and she just said thanks. Then about four hours later at 6:15, which mind you is very strange these days because she only seems to text me during the day during the week, I got a text from her asking me how my day was. I was pretty surprised because she never texts me this late anymore. We talked a little bit and talked about our Easter. She then said she will just be home. I of course had to ask her if she’ll be just home with her kids. And she replied with “more people”. I immediately knew what she meant by that. It means yes she’ll be home with her kids but also this freaking guy will be there as well. At least that’s what I THINK she means by “more people”. And this of course immediately made me upset. All I said to her was “oh ok” and that was the end of the conversation. She did not reply again. 

Like WTF? I seriously try to grasp onto even the itsy bitsy bit of hope from her such as her asking me how my day was at the unusually late time at 6:15 PM on a Friday. But of course as I probe more I find out, and again this may be all in my mind, that this guy will be coming over to her house to have Easter with her family. And then right away I feel like crap and my mind starts racing thinking about how serious her relationship with this guy must be now that he’s coming over for a major holiday and spending it with her and her kids.

@Rainmkr555

None of this important because the only answer you need is the fact that she had several years to choose you.  She didn't.   

Why she talking to you?  Either  because you stroke her ego OR  talking to you helps her right the wrongs she did and soothe her conscious.  She's about herself.  Both are self-serving at best. 

But ultimately, she's continuing to affect you because you're continuing to let her.  You're opening up those emails.  You're reading them.  You're responding.   She can't affect you if you give her no material to work with.  Stop opening the emails and stop reading them and stop responding.  And if you haven't done so yet, block her number. 

Edited April 12, 2020 by Beachead

[basil67]

10 hours ago, Fletch Lives said:

Get a girlfriend.

 

But not yet.  No woman deserves a guy who's still hung up on someone else.  Do the work on yourself first, THEN get a girlfriend.

[preraph]

Plus the likelihood is he would just transfer all this unhealthy mindset over to the next woman anyway. Not saying he's a stalker but that's what stalkers do. About the only way to get rid of a stalker is to find them a new woman. 

[kendahke]

OP==did you go look at the Jennifer Lewis video I mentioned earlier?

[Rainmkr555]

3 hours ago, kendahke said:

OP==did you go look at the Jennifer Lewis video I mentioned earlier?

I tried to look it up on Google but it seems like 100 videos came up. Can you send me a direct link to this exact video that you think will actually help me?