Unable to bring life back on track after being left

[TeddyBundy1993]

To start with I m 27. And was in some sort of relationship or you may say a online fling with a girl. It was long distance it went on for 3 years. It came to an end after she came to meet me in real. I posted about it here. 

More than 3 months have passed. I m no contact from 2 months and have no desire to talk to her again, I do stalk her on Facebook bcz I want her to crash like i did but I rejected her friendship s***. But I feel extremely lonely and dealing with emptiness.  I have made very bad decisions in order to feel "good" or say in order bring my confidence back. Initially I needed therapy and I was on antidepressants for a month later when I got my senses back I brought a new home a new car I didn't needed both at this time but I felt doing this would give some peace but yet here I m lost again. It felt good in the beginning but i realized it was just temporary materialistic lust I tried to drown myself into. I have made many reckless decision like that. I didnt try dating again  bcz I m ugly and I look extremely overaged. I m 27 tho but I look like a man in mid 30ies. So I gave up on dating. But I have started sleeping with escorts since I wanna prove to myself that I can get sex. I know thats unhealthy. All my friends are dating and are in long term relationship and yet here I m. I feel lost. 

What shall I do ? I really dont wanna date again tbh. I dont want to be heartbroken again. I just want to find myself back. Where do I go from here.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm sorry for your hurt :(.  First, stop stalking her social media.  You will not heal if you're just waiting around for her to "crash like you did."  The best revenge is living well, not hoping someone else isn't.  

Shift your spending from paying for sex to paying for more therapy or a hobby.  Volunteer to get your head out of the space it is in.....serving others is a great way to not dwell inwardly so much AND to feel good about yourself.  If you must spend money, buy a few new outfits to boost your confidence.  

 

Hang in there....

Edited January 23, 2020 by CautiouslyOptimistic

[scooby-philly]

OP,

Sorry about your pain. LDRs are tough by their very nature. A solely virtual relationship is even worse. You're suffering not only because it ended, but because it did not give you the muscle development of a real, nearby relationship.

 

• It's one thing to use escorts to just have fun, let tension go, and if you're a physical guy. Using them to boost self-esteem or convince yourself you're a stud in bed isn't healthy for your ego or emotions. The good ones know how to work you. Even if they don't squeeze you for more money or more visits, what they say can't be trusted from a "who am I" perspective. No matter, play safe!
• Avoid, at all costs, the "I want to watch her crash and burn" mentality. It blocks you from recognizing the things you want to change, the things you need to work on about yourself, and also blocks your conscience from accepting the fact that it's over and that for whatever reason, it did not work out. And no matter how much they may deserve it, it drowns you in negativity and hatred, which you can then project back on yourself and/or others. Not saying it's wrong to have those feelings - that's our natural psychological defense. But when it pops up, don't let yourself linger in it. Instead, focus on five things - what you like about yourself, what you're proud of in your life, goals you have, the qualities you want in a partner, and to help ease that "what if" and break the negative mentality, you can list out bad traits of the person and why things wouldn't work. Write it over and over again - every day or even multiple times a day to help avoid spiraling and help recondition your brain
• Go NC. Block her. If you can't force yourself to stop snooping, give a friend your information and have them change your passwords for a month. Unless you need to for work, taking 30 days off of social media isn't going to kill you.
• Get out there! Volunteer, start a class, pour time into a new or old hobby. Don't focus on "dating". When you're ready to date you will know. 
• It's okay to use shopping as a short-term fix, but in reality, it can be an addiction as strong and hurtful as drugs, sex, alcohol.  

The only way to deal with and grow from a heartbreak is to go through the pain. Open up to them, cry, shout, scream, hit things (not people), go into the woods and chop down a tree or yell, get it all out! (Lifting weights is a healthy option). But don't run, ignore, bury or force your pain into an unhealthy outlet.

[scooby-philly]

Also, you're only 27. I'm 38 and never have been married and don't have kids yet. On the surface, people may assume (like on a dating app) why is this guy never married? Is he a loser? A player? Have no social skills? A serial adulterer? And all of that would be grossly untrue. I was in the seminary till I was 28. Didn't get into a relationship till I was 30, so 8 years of dating experience - I'm more like someone at 28 or 30 year old. And I've stuck in 3 ltrs that weren't right for me because I was conditioned to ignore my wants/needs growing up and to assume that people would eventually be nice and kind like me and recognize they were poor partners (at least for me). Sure, people your age are in serious relationships and a lot are probably going to be getting married - but that doesn't mean you can't find love and happiness. But find the happiness in yourself and build a happy life and you'll start attracting people.

[TeddyBundy1993]

I'll try not stalk her. Somehow I m over her. I have avoided all contacts with her. The main reason is I feel lonely now. And find myself comparing with other friends of mine. Yes I have had a job now its lower wage paying job but I m doing it bcz I need to focus on somewhere else. Thanks for your inputs I'll try to give my best shot to your advices 

[andytuotuo]

Hey man, I understand how you feel and am going through a similar situation as well. 
 

a bit about my story, I fell for a girl hard and she didn’t feel the same way at the end. It was a few months and it hit me super hard. I was stupid and emotional, didn’t even manage to salvage a friendship . 
 

rejection is very difficult to deal with. You keep thinking ‘why doesn’t she like me?’ ‘Am I not good enough?’ ‘Am I not attractive enough?’ ‘Am I not funny enough?’ ‘Am I not fit enough?’. At least that’s what I’m going through. What if I can’t find anyone else to love me? There’s 7 billion people in the world, you will find someone, or they will come to find you. 

I now learned it’s not you, it’s your ego that isn’t willing to accept what happened. I am still learning that the very fact is any kind of relationship takes at least two people. Friendship, romantic relationship, mentorship and so on. Each person is their  own person. You can never force anything, it will just push them away. The mature thing is to respect their decision. It hurts so much, oh believe me it hurts ‘two people were so close and now can’t even talk anymore’ . But this is the one way you can savage your some self respect and from her. If you don’t want her gone forever or any chance she might come back, this is the only way to allow that to happen. 

hanging in there man. We both know that one day we will be okay and we just need more strength to pull through. 
 

a few things I have found help somewhat are: go for a run, Listen to inspiring podcast like <school of greatness > and learn other people’s stories, watch some YouTube videos on breakups and relationships. 
 

good luck

[TeddyBundy1993]

39 minutes ago, andytuotuo said:

Hey man, I understand how you feel and am going through a similar situation as well. 
 

a bit about my story, I fell for a girl hard and she didn’t feel the same way at the end. It was a few months and it hit me super hard. I was stupid and emotional, didn’t even manage to salvage a friendship . 
 

rejection is very difficult to deal with. You keep thinking ‘why doesn’t she like me?’ ‘Am I not good enough?’ ‘Am I not attractive enough?’ ‘Am I not funny enough?’ ‘Am I not fit enough?’. At least that’s what I’m going through. What if I can’t find anyone else to love me? There’s 7 billion people in the world, you will find someone, or they will come to find you. 

I now learned it’s not you, it’s your ego that isn’t willing to accept what happened. I am still learning that the very fact is any kind of relationship takes at least two people. Friendship, romantic relationship, mentorship and so on. Each person is their  own person. You can never force anything, it will just push them away. The mature thing is to respect their decision. It hurts so much, oh believe me it hurts ‘two people were so close and now can’t even talk anymore’ . But this is the one way you can savage your some self respect and from her. If you don’t want her gone forever or any chance she might come back, this is the only way to allow that to happen. 

hanging in there man. We both know that one day we will be okay and we just need more strength to pull through. 
 

a few things I have found help somewhat are: go for a run, Listen to inspiring podcast like <school of greatness > and learn other people’s stories, watch some YouTube videos on breakups and relationships. 

Hi thanks for your input yeah these days relationships dont last. She is dating someone else already. In actual she ended relationship with me to start with this dude 16 year older to her. I didnt talked about that bcz I dont care.I dont give a s*** I accepted shes gone. But the way shes happy without me whereas i was the one who has supported her while she was having hard time... but as others says it doesnt guarantee that she will stay with you even if you were there for her once at her hard times.  Actually this hasn't happened with me for the first time. But weirdly I was hurt this time.  I just dont trust women anymore now huh

[scooby-philly]

OP,

 

That's the risk of love. And that's why it's also important to see the person in as many lights as possible in the first 3, 6, 12 months. Now, that doesn't guarantee you'll discover every secret or root out everyone who would flee when times got tough. But the first 12 months of the relationship you need to reflect often on what you think about this person and not just let the infatuation continue. This woman showed you that underneath it all she has little concern for a person and maybe very selfish. I cannot speak a ton about it because we would need more info from you and that won't help you heal. Suffice to say that you avoided something here. There's no reason to jump into a relationship that quickly unless she was already talking to him (which means she wasn't respecting your relationship) or she's clingy or needy. In either case you dodged a bullet. Keep on letting the emotions come and keep focused on the future.

[TeddyBundy1993]

56 minutes ago, scooby-philly said:

OP,

 

That's the risk of love. And that's why it's also important to see the person in as many lights as possible in the first 3, 6, 12 months. Now, that doesn't guarantee you'll discover every secret or root out everyone who would flee when times got tough. But the first 12 months of the relationship you need to reflect often on what you think about this person and not just let the infatuation continue. This woman showed you that underneath it all she has little concern for a person and maybe very selfish. I cannot speak a ton about it because we would need more info from you and that won't help you heal. Suffice to say that you avoided something here. There's no reason to jump into a relationship that quickly unless she was already talking to him (which means she wasn't respecting your relationship) or she's clingy or needy. In either case you dodged a bullet. Keep on letting the emotions come and keep focused on the future.

Yes I didnt posted much about it bcz it's over for me in a way I m just waiting for her relationship to fail so as she sees what I have saw. Here is my story if you'd like to see 

And yes you are right firsy 1 year is just honeymoon phase only.  Later on we deal with the reality. 

[scooby-philly]

@TeddyBundy1993 - But that's the thing - you don't need to worry or focus on her and her relationship. You can't fully move on if you're even a tiny bit invested in the outcome of her life and her relationship. Let it go. It's just your ego wanting a confidence boost. And while it's easy to just those to ourselves, they don't do us any good in the long run.