He broke up with me because of sex. but I still like him **Update**

[pc31]

I need some advice... I got matched with this guy on a dating app around March 2019, and we texted back and forth for a bit. It was really fun, but since we lived in 2 different cities, we never actually met up, and the conversation eventually died after a week or two. I did not think much of it because it was long distance and at that time I was also dating casually someone else in my city. 

Fast forward to September 2019, I actually moved to the guy's city. Then in November 2019, for whatever reason, the app matched the two of us again, for the second time! Then we decided to meet, and the rest is history. I really really enjoyed talking to him. He's also very into me - texted me everyday, even when either of us traveled. We met once a week and talked on the phone once in between dates, and the conversation actually last for hours. Basically things were really really good.

About a month into dating, we started having sex. And that was when I discovered he had premature ejaculation... I was really confused the first night we were together because it was the first time something like that happened to me. I was angry or anything like that, just really confused. He said it took a few times to get used to a new partner. A week or so, we tried having sex again, and it was OK-ish. I didn't orgasm. Then a week or so after that, we tried again, and he once again couldn't keep it for more than a minute... I was hugely disappointed. He said he didn't know what it was maybe he's just really stressed with work lately.

We didn't meet the following week after that incident, but we spoke on the phone. And I was kind of drunk when I had this conversation with him, so probably I was a bit more candid than I should have... Basically I expressed my concern if we could ever have a long term future if the sex continues this way... I told him that my love language was physical touch and I had high sex drive and I wanted more... So then he said it again that he thought about it and he didn't know why it happened. He hadn't had sex for a while (maybe a year?) before we met, but before that he had a few long-term girlfriends and things were fine. He also said that maybe subconsciously, he was worried that if he got too close too me, it would be hard for him to move away when the time comes (I knew he was gonna move out of the country for a job in the next 2-3 months, but I thought until then, we would be dating for about 4-5 months, which is fairly sufficient to build a foundation.. and we can always come to visit one another because we both are avid travelers)... but anyway, long story short, at the end of that conversation, he broke up with me and wanted to stay friends because he, himself, acknowledged that we understood each other so well and that was a very rare thing. 

I know rationally what he did was for the best, but I still like him. I've been having withdrawal symptoms this week because we haven't spoken with each other since last weekend (been 7 days or so). I didn't blame him for the sex at all. I'm sure there must be something I can do to help him, although I'm not sure what?!! Any suggestion would be good here. Thank you.

Edited February 12, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[CAPITAL CROOK]

It really depends on how much sex you have had as a man and how you feel about it; personally, with certain women, I can get into the zone where I can ejaculate and not lose my hard on, but with others, I just don't care enough to have that kind of output for the most part.

I will say, it can take an incredible amount of concentration to not ejaculate sometimes and in those moments of concentration, you need to let the man have control, let him slow down... The thing is, sometimes it can be hard to find the balance and you end up losing your hard on... For me, it is a thing of experience, rather than sheer biology, but maybe I am the exception, I don't think so though. 

[Piddy]

Sounds like the candid conversation about your high sex drive and the importance of sex put too much pressure on him to perform up to your standards and he bailed. 

The only thing you could do is tell him you're willing to be patient with him so he doesn't feel pressured that he can't meet your high sex drive.I never had the premature problem so I can't relate.  But again, he probably feels he can't measure up to your expectations and why go thru the embarrassment. 

Edited January 23, 2020 by Piddy

[salparadise]

Yup, you cranked up the pressure and expectation when you should have been deescalating and reassuring him that it will all work out. That's assuming you were willing to be patient and try to work it out. I've know a few women who had relationships with men with the same problem. Apparently it's difficult to overcome; the women told me that it was still an issue after several years. One of the women said that their sex life became all about the foreplay with lots of kink... and that part was great, but when they began intercourse he wouldn't last thirty seconds. They were together ten years. She was really into extended intercourse as a result. The point is that it's probably not going to change, and the stories of it not being a problem with others is likely him trying to save a bit of face. Actually, I'm amazed at how many women have never had intercourse for more than 10-15 minutes. It is a matter of learned control for those who don't have the issue, but for ones who do it seems inherent and unfixable.

[pc31]

Yea, I'm aware that it was the semi-drunk phone conversation that led him to make the decision. I've tried to tell him to meet face to face and talk it out, but he danced around the request and basically doesn't want to make plant to meet. At this point, I'm not sure what else to do... I will not request anything anymore and give him some space. But is it it?! We will never talk talk to each other again?! It seems very silly to me, especially when the 2 people are (or were?!) so into each other.

But also, generally, I'm not sure if it's worth it for me to be pursuing anything, especially if he's moving away (with no return day) in the next 2-3 months.

What do you think? 😕

 

[fromheart]

On 1/23/2020 at 10:43 PM, pc31 said:

 Basically I expressed my concern if we could ever have a long term future if the sex continues this way... I told him that my love language was physical touch and I had high sex drive and I wanted more...

What you have to do is put yourself in another persons position.

Suppose you were having sexual issues, and the man said 'I have a high sex drive, and want more.'  It certainly wouldn't help you.  You may find yourself feeling horrible, and your partners comments to be demanding.  Its necessary to ask yourself how you would feel, before saying something like this.

Its absolutely best for him, to not see you again.  You went and killed it before it started.

Edited January 25, 2020 by fromheart

[elaine567]

My guess is that he  has had the PE for quite some time, hence the initial  looking for a long distance relationship.
In an LDR there is no need to "perform" regularly.
Then you ended up in the same city,
He liked you and he ramped up the connection with  frequent texting and no-sex meets.
Then came crunch time, he had to actually "do" it, and the PE came to the fore.
He needs to go seek some professional help for his PE, before it ruins any more budding relationships.
 

[kendahke]

I'm wondering how much porn he watches and if he's so used to that that when presented with a living, breathing woman, he's intimidated by it.

[fromheart]

4 hours ago, kendahke said:

I'm wondering how much porn he watches and if he's so used to that that when presented with a living, breathing woman, he's intimidated by it.

A living, breathing woman has empathy for others.

Edited January 26, 2020 by fromheart

[Piddy]

4 hours ago, kendahke said:

I'm wondering how much porn he watches and if he's so used to that that when presented with a living, breathing woman, he's intimidated by it.

Porn would actually help with his problem.  He'd learn how to have more control.  

[preraph]

Find out if he regularly watches porn.  Believe it or not, a lot of porn can ruin sex with real women because the man gets "spoiled" to his favorite porn actress performing his ideal sex situations (and of course it's always the women doing most of the work).  So it can actually make it hard for them to do a real-life sex because they got too used to that one or two routines they like.  It's a common problem now.  It's a facet of porn addiction and psychologists say it's one of the things they see new patients for the last few years.  

[pc31]

He said he has stopped watching porn for a while (he just disclosed this by himself without me asking), but he does masturbate everyday using his imagination. He even told me that the last few times, he fantasized about me while masturbating... 

All in all, my questions are this:

1. Is it wise for me to continue investing in this early-staged relationship if he has a sexual issue AND is moving away? Why?

2. If Yes, how do I get him to come back to the table to discuss our relationship? Because as of now, even though he still replies to my text messages, we have stopped the texting everyday pattern and he has stopped making plans to meet me in person. He might text to say hello once every 3 days and he replies when I text back. But the exchanges die after 3-4 exchanges.

3. If I somehow manage to get him come back to the table, how can I help him overcome his performance anxiety? I know he is concerned about his belly and overall appearance. He's said that he has let himself go in the last 1-2 year because of work stress (but personally i don't believe the reason, i think it was because his ex broke up with him. He said his ex broke up with him because he didn't spend enough time with her, which I also don't believe it was the real reason. But then again, who am i to say his believes aren't valid?! ) I saw his pictures from around 2 years ago and he definitely looked hot there lol, but personally I don't think how he is currently is overweight either. He does drink A LOT during the weekend and he mostly eats take-out food. I'm afraid he has developed early staged diabetes or something?! He said he has had 2-3 long-term relationships (we are talking 4-5 years per relationship), and I don't think many women can sustain that long in sexless relationships.. Right?! We have only dated for 2 months and it already alarmed me. Other information: We are both 31-32 years old, and have comfortable office jobs.

Edited January 27, 2020 by pc31
Give more info

[stillafool]

Let him go.  You won't be happy.  You'll also get over it so give it time.   

[preraph]

You don't have much control over his performance.  I'm glad he stopped porn and maybe after he's done with it for a couple of months, it will help, but depends on what he's fantasizing, I guess.  

 

Why you have no real control over his performance is because the more attention you pay to it, the more pressure he feels under and the worse it gets.  So really just up to you, esp. if he's moving anyway.  

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

Oh this is a tricky one.

To have broken-up without the usual (battles) which tend to effect break-ups.

 

First of all, I think the guy figuratively sees his own reflection IN you  each time he's around you.   (and that's what he resists seeing...  and not because of his 'belly'  )

 

And you certainly didn't do anyone  any favors with your reactions to his premature ejaculation, and that only aggravated what he is made to confront  in your presence.

 

Were this merely a case of two test humans, with zero emotions involved... and a team of scientists huddles around both of you and bred you  each week, I think that science you bring about the end of his problem, while coaching you to have mutually satisfying sex together.

BUT you each presently have too many counterproductive concerns along with no scientists to guide you, so it's going to remain highly improbable that you can resolve this.

 

 

[Interstellar]

When you expressed your concern whether you’d have a long term future if the intimacy continued that way you hurt his feelings man. It almost sounds like an employer telling an employee that his performance isn’t up to par or to put it bluntly he sucks at his job, lol. You should not have done it when you’re under the influence. This was the time to be sensitive and understanding. Never say anything or make decisions in the heat of the moment. It’s best to let him find somebody who will be more tactful.

Edited January 27, 2020 by Interstellar

[basil67]

On 1/25/2020 at 8:50 AM, pc31 said:

It seems very silly to me, especially when the 2 people are (or were?!) so into each other.

 

This is the reason he won't give you another chance.  Not only do you have no understanding of the concept of people having dealbreakers, but you don't respect his decision to enforce one.

[NomiMalone]

OP, am I correct in my guess that you’re very young? I feel your post lacks maturity in the sense that you’ve only pointed out your needs and wants, whether you orgasmed, without much consideration for how this poor guy feels - probably embarrassed and inadequate.

I don’t blame you, we were all young and immature once, and nobody’s perfect. Going forward, may I suggest having a good think about approaching things from how the other person would feel if you were in their shoes, before opening a difficult conversation. I guarantee you’re more likely to get the other person to open up.

[fromheart]

13 hours ago, pc31 said:

He said he has stopped watching porn for a while (he just disclosed this by himself without me asking), but he does masturbate everyday using his imagination. He even told me that the last few times, he fantasized about me while masturbating... 

All in all, my questions are this:

1. Is it wise for me to continue investing in this early-staged relationship if he has a sexual issue AND is moving away? Why?

2. If Yes, how do I get him to come back to the table to discuss our relationship? Because as of now, even though he still replies to my text messages, we have stopped the texting everyday pattern and he has stopped making plans to meet me in person. He might text to say hello once every 3 days and he replies when I text back. But the exchanges die after 3-4 exchanges.

3. If I somehow manage to get him come back to the table, how can I help him overcome his performance anxiety? I know he is concerned about his belly and overall appearance. He's said that he has let himself go in the last 1-2 year because of work stress (but personally i don't believe the reason, i think it was because his ex broke up with him. He said his ex broke up with him because he didn't spend enough time with her, which I also don't believe it was the real reason. But then again, who am i to say his believes aren't valid?! ) I saw his pictures from around 2 years ago and he definitely looked hot there lol, but personally I don't think how he is currently is overweight either. He does drink A LOT during the weekend and he mostly eats take-out food. I'm afraid he has developed early staged diabetes or something?! He said he has had 2-3 long-term relationships (we are talking 4-5 years per relationship), and I don't think many women can sustain that long in sexless relationships.. Right?! We have only dated for 2 months and it already alarmed me. Other information: We are both 31-32 years old, and have comfortable office jobs.

I've explained the problem to you, but you are choosing not to listen.

I've had a few GF's with similar issues, you simply have empathy, do not put any pressure on them and as if by magic you'll have a banging sex life in months or weeks, as long as there is not a serious medical problem and they are relatively young and healthy.

Instead you did something that no woman would want a man to do.  And what some women on this thread do not seem to understand.

You got drunk and said, 'I expressed my concern if we could ever have a long term future if the sex continues this way... I told him that my love language was physical touch and I had high sex drive and I wanted more.'

No woman would be able to relax sexually after this.  Similarly, a man isn't a mindless machine as seen in pornographic videos.  If you could have understood this, and given him the same treatment you would like for yourself if the roles were reversed, everything would probably have been ok.  But you didn't.

When you can understand this, you'll be ready for a sexual relationship based around an emotional connection.  But if not, there's Tinder.
 

Edited January 27, 2020 by fromheart

[gaius]

His sexual dysfunction is a problem only he can fix. Some men respond by fixing it, others run away (apparently this guy) and the really weak, feeble men just retreat further into their dysfunction and blame everyone else.

Sorry it didn't work out but it's not on you. Honesty is a good thing.

[elaine567]

Yes the OP could have handled it more tactfully sober, but she is kind of right in telling him where she stands, because if she is high drive then dealing with PE in this guy is not really something she wants to get involved in.
The "bond" they have developed is not really strong enough yet, to handle sexual dysfunction.
Early doors, sex brings people together, this would have probably just driven them apart, no matter how understanding she may have been...
He knew that, AND he is moving away, so he bailed.

[fromheart]

19 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Yes the OP could have handled it more tactfully sober, but she is kind of right in telling him where she stands, because if she is high drive then dealing with PE in this guy is not really something she wants to get involved in.
The "bond" they have developed is not really strong enough yet, to handle sexual dysfunction.
Early doors, sex brings people together, this would have probably just driven them apart, no matter how understanding she may have been...
He knew that, AND he is moving away, so he bailed.

This is hypocritical though, once again I'll explain it.  The fact that I have to re explain a basic point on empathy, suggests lack of empathy is the problem.

No woman wouldn't like to be spoken to like that.
Therefore, don't speak to a man like that.

Why is this very basic point, so hard to understand?

[elaine567]

I would tell a high drive man the same thing. Why get further involved with a woman with sexual dysfunction, when sex is a high priority to him.
That is a path that  will likely only lead to misery and resentment for both probably. 
This is early dating, not a long term relationship.
As I said before there is not enough there to carry them through such a serious problem.

Empathy or not the result is the same.
"Sorry this is just not something I want to deal with."  

[Lotsgoingon]

He could really resolve this issue with a visit to a urologist and a visit to someone who does sex therapy.  The sex therapist would give him exercises to do ... like at first, the goal would be for you and he to just touch ... take off clothes if you want ... but not have sex ... he needs to relax ... and he's getting all anxious ... and as soon as he starts penetration, his anxiety is through the roof ... 

There are definite steps he could take and they would involve you ... and you being patient.

No, I don't think it's worth contacting him unless he's the type of person who is open to going to see a urologist (just to check that everything is OK physically) and who is open to going to see a therapist who treats sex dysfunctions. 

It takes a really strong guy who can put all of that on the table and still feel confident around you, with you. Ironically, I really think "treatment" for this wouldn't take all that long ...I would be he would make progress in a month ... and could continue to make progress. 

Literally this guy could google some of this information ... so the fact that he's just clueless and helpless ... that's the sign that he ain't for you. 

I've encountered a number of stories like this in real life ... and in almost every case, the woman was willing to be pretty patient. But the guy just got too embarrassed, too uncomfortable ... and again, had no plan for working on this. 

Your comment about your high sex drive. Actually ... that's fine ... because that's YOU! And yes, it probably put pressure on him ... at the same time, you don't want to start a relationship taking care of someone else, hiding your needs in order to create some fake compatibility. So frankly, I think this guy would have had problems whether you disclosed your sex drive or not. 

[fromheart]

No problem ladies, continue as you are and see where it gets you.