He broke up with me because of sex. but I still like him **Update**

[pc31]

As much as we here are talking about me being insensitive and what not, as of now, there's literally nothing I can do to mend the relationship or make it up to him. I tried and asked him 2 times to meet up and talk a bit more, but he avoided me and is not interested. Too bad, it's his choice. I'm gonna drop it.

Edited January 29, 2020 by pc31
typo

[basil67]

If someone adheres strongly to their dealbreakers, moving on is all you can do.   Sorry.

[pc31]

Well, he still sends me memes every 2-3 days, and still likes ALL of my instagram pictures and watches ALL of my instagram stories, so I know he's not angry at me (not the deal breaker thing that many people here seem to assume). BUT he just doesn't want to engage in any in-depth conversation and doesn't want to meet. Our last conversation over the phone was very cordial. And during that conversation, he kept saying he liked me AND I said I liked him too.

That's why at first I thought there would still be something I could do nourish the relationship, but since I asked him to hang out 2x and he avoided me, I'm now dropping it. What a shame.

Edited January 29, 2020 by pc31

[pc31]

This is what we said during the phone convo:

• Him: I'm leaving the country soon, and I don't know when/if I will be back any time soon, so I don't want to start a relationship right now. 
• Me: I'm not pushing for any agenda right now. I need to finish graduate school first, and then will see what's next.
• Him: You want a friends-with-benefit arrangement? Haha, but I'm not really giving you any benefit right now, so it's better to be friends. 
• Me: Are you sure? I'm not sure how being friends works because I like you. 
• Him: I like you too. But I don't want to ruin the friendship. If things don't work out, at least we stay friends.
• Me: Okay... We can try and see how that goes.

Basically 1) I miss him, and 2) I feel unsettled that we broke up on the phone. What I want is to meet him face to face to talk about the decision and what that means. But he's not cooperating. He doesn't want to meet. We haven't met for 3 weeks now. But he still sends me memes and stuff like I said above. Clearly he still thinks about me and I about him. It is very frustrating. But I think I've tried enough (like I said, I suggested to meet 2x already), so I'm not gonna do anything anymore. 

Should I go No Contact and ignore his messages now? I truly don't know what he wants.

[Lotsgoingon]

You don't care what he wants. You care what he can deliver. Get outta his head. That never works. You've made your openness clear to him. He's staying in contact because he doesn't dislike you or hate you ... and he's saving face. 

But he needs to deal with the his issue himself. Ironically, this is one of those cases where shame is more the problem, shame and embarrassment, than the problem itself. You can resolve this problem of premature ejaculation. But you have to be open to resolving it and take the initiative to resolve it.

Literally one phone call to his GP and he would be pointed in the right direction. One google search would reveal that premature ejaculation is not uncommon or bizarre. Sure, you can reach out and stay in contact, but the same issue will disrupt things until he takes action. I'm not a woman, but when I was younger I was the type of person who would always make gentle suggestions to folks. So in your position years ago, I might have said something like, "you know this can be easily treated. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you." 

But I've learned the hard way that people pretty much have to want to fix their own problems. I'm not saying I'm absolutely right ... once out of every 10,000 times people do respond to a gentle nudge. 

[pc31]

Should I go No Contact with him? He keeps sending me random Memes every 3-4 days, but the relationship isn't going anywhere. Maybe I should ignore the memes?

Edited January 30, 2020 by pc31

[Silver_star]

Short answer: Yes you should go no contact with him and move on.

Yes it would have been better to meet in person to break up. That ship has sailed though. I think he has made up his mind otherwise he would be trying to meet up with you. It probably really hurt his ego when you told him his erectile issues would be a problem for you in the long run. I am not sure what you are/were looking for with this guy based on your last conversation with him and the fact you know he is leaving. 

My advice would be to ignore the memes and temporarily "mute"/unfollow him on social media. I don't think you guys will actually be friends. What a weird dynamic that would be. It's not like you guys are having any real communication that is about trying a relationship again. The last time you did he said he didn't want that. Memes don't mean he is wanting anything from you, other than maybe attention as he processes his own thoughts and moves on to the next girl. It sounds like he might already be over the prospect of romantic relationship with you and trying to just keep you around as a "bro" friend. The fact he may be moving out of the country, combined with your expressed dissatisfaction with him in the bedroom has probably made him repulsed to the idea of even trying.

I think "being friends" is an easy way to transition to not talking to someone anymore. The memes are the last ones to go. Give it a month or two and he will fade away completely and that is probably for the best by the sounds of it. With your "high sex drive" and his performance issues you are likely not compatible in the long run. 

[pc31]

Things are getting worse for me mentally. Last night I had a dream that I was having a catch up meeting with him, and then in that meeting, he told me he slept with someone else recently and he said it was great. I suddenly couldn't breathe and I was so angry in my sleep that I woke up.

What do I want to get out of this relationship? Frankly, I'm not entirely sure. Rationally I am fully aware of him moving away, the challenges and the impracticality of it all. Emotionally I really enjoyed his attention and just generally talking to him. I haven't met anyone that I could talk to for hours like this, since my first boyfriend. My other exes and I typically connected more on a physical level (hence my comment around being physical, etc) but I couldn't really talk to them - for example, one guy wasn't interested at all in the news - couldn't talk about anything else besides small talks around the daily tasks; another guy has a very thick accent that I could barely understand; and another guy was so judgmental that I felt I was walking on eggshell and couldn't be myself... Sigh, anyway.

I know I need to move on. I just need some time... I don't want to do No Contact because that somehow feels rude. Like, you wouldn't ignore a friend, would you? He still initiates contact with me (sending memes) and he still quickly replies to all my messages (if i reach out)... It is just HARD!!!!

 

[pc31]

I facetimed with him last night and we had a lovely chat for about an hour. It was fun. I think I got the closure that I needed. No need to request meeting up anymore. I'm gonna go into No (or extremely limited) contact now.

[Silver_star]

Just curious but how old are you both?  

 

[pc31]

10 minutes ago, Silver_star said:

Just curious but how old are you both?  

 

haha, why? we are 31 and 32 years old.

[Silver_star]

I was just thinking of the "staying friends' thing, and how realistic that even is. In your 20's maybe, but I don't know about 30's/40's especially if you don't work together, or live nearby. Also, maybe he is looking for something more serious than a FWB and doesnt want to base the foundation of a relationship on that. Just thinking out loud.  I think you are best to stay low/no contact. You will feel better about it soon.  

[pc31]

Sigh, this whole experience is messing up with my head a little bit. Last night I had another dream.. and this time I was having sex with someone else (a friend that I know)... and i saw that he knew about it. I've never had this kind of sexual dreams before. Apparently this whole experience is quite traumatic for me, somehow?! 

He's still sending memes and replying to me. We haven't ceased communication. 

[pc31]

I just want to write here a bit and let it out... I'm going to meet with him for the first time after the break up tomorrow. We haven't met for almost a month, and we agreed to meet now as friends. I'm not sure how to act, tbh. We are just meeting after work for dessert, so it's very casual and the way it was set up was clear that it wouldn't be a date. Just simply friends meeting up to catch up after a while. 

Any advice would be good here. How should I act? What sort of things should we talk about? Should I bring up the break up and discuss it? 

[2BGoodAgain]

he needs to masturbate more... lol.

it'll help.

and try, thicker condoms. it'll help with the sensitivity.

but yeah... porn + masturbation = not this situation.

 

[Silver_star]

Curious how it went @pc31. Did the meet up lead to sex? Did you talk about past relationship stuff or potential for anything happening in the future?

Were you really friends before all this? I really have my doubts about people's intentions to be "just friends" after being intimate with one another. One person usually wants something else, and if the other person doesn't they are just feeling guilty/lost/bored/needy. That has been my experience. 

You said it was made clear that it wasn't a date going in. How was that made clear? It seems like you are tricking him about your intentions to meet up face to face. I know you are hoping for something more with him, otherwise you would not care how to act you would just be yourself with no expectations.

[pc31]

On 2/5/2020 at 11:10 AM, Silver_star said:

Curious how it went @pc31

It went alright. We met up for dessert, like I mentioned, so it was very neutral and casual. We hugged when we met and when we said goodbye. He walked with me to the subway station before he walked home. I put the table reservation under his name and he paid at the end... Not sure if it felt like a date to you, but it just felt very friendly to me. We didn't talk about the relationship.

It was good that we met (3 weeks after the break up / 4 weeks of not seeing each other). At first I also thought I wanted more. But after meeting him, I cannot say that I felt as attached as before, which is good... I didn't feel any sexual tension, at all. Time and distance helped, i guess.

We are back to sending memes (almost everyday). I have kind of stopped looking forward to his messages. 

[pc31]

I've been talking to a guy for a few weeks. It's friendly, but I'm not sure if he's really interested? Recently, I asked him if he wanted to go on a short day trip just to get away from the city. This is what happened:

Friday: 

6PM: 

• Me: Do you want to go for a day trip somewhere nearby but outside of the city?
• Him: Oh yea we can. You gotta find a place to go to haha
• Me: You have any recommendation or preference? [Send a link of Top 10 places for a spontaneous winter trip]
• Him: I don't know. There isn't a lot during winter. Just ski trips.
• Me: I like ABC and XYZ places on the Top 10 page. What do you like?
• [No reply]

Saturday:

4PM: (it's almost 24 hours later!)

• Him: Both places are good. ABC place is a bit further away.
• Me: Let's decide on one!! So we can start talking logistics. Both options seem fun. but XYZ place seems more affordable, and there are many buses to get there.
• [No reply]

1AM in the morning

• Him: Don't worry about buses. I'll rent a car and we'll drive to wherever we go.

Sunday:

10AM:

• Me: I sense that you aren't really interested in the trip. It's ok, we don't need to go. I'm not excited about the trip anymore
• [No reply. It's 7PM now]

I'm confused whether or not this guy wants to take the trip with me. Why is he not doing any planning and not giving any opinion? Is he even interested? Why did he say Yes if he doesn't want to go?

 

Edited February 9, 2020 by pc31

[alphamale]

he doesn't want to go, he is just humouring you

[Artdeco]

He said he’d rent a car and then you accused him of not being interested, and then you told him you’re not excited about the trip anymore. What do you expect him to do?

[Ruby Slippers]

Yeah, he seems halfhearted at best. I'd either go on my own or hold out for someone who's excited to go with me. 

[Artdeco]

Him: Don't worry about buses. I'll rent a car and we'll drive to wherever we go.
 

How exactly is HE the one blowing HER off? Just because he didn’t pick a place? Well maybe he wanted to be kind and let her choose?!? Based on the text exchange I don’t see how he’s showing that he’s lukewarm. 

[pc31]

37 minutes ago, Artdeco said:

Him: Don't worry about buses. I'll rent a car and we'll drive to wherever we go.
 

How exactly is HE the one blowing HER off? Just because he didn’t pick a place? Well maybe he wanted to be kind and let her choose?!? Based on the text exchange I don’t see how he’s showing that he’s lukewarm. 

Mostly because he took 12-24 hours to follow up and doesn't really make an effort to progress the conversation. He doesn't give any opinion and doesn't ask any question, such as when do you want to go?, etc. I'm the one who is leading the conversation 100%, so I sense that he's not really interested.

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, pc31 said:

I've been talking to a guy for a few weeks. It's friendly, but I'm not sure if he's really interested? Recently, I asked him if he wanted to go on a short day trip just to get away from the city. This is what happened:

Friday: 

6PM: 

• Me: Do you want to go for a day trip somewhere nearby but outside of the city?
• Him: Oh yea we can. You gotta find a place to go to haha
• Me: You have any recommendation or preference? [Send a link of Top 10 places for a spontaneous winter trip]
• Him: I don't know. There isn't a lot during winter. Just ski trips.
• Me: I like ABC and XYZ places on the Top 10 page. What do you like?
• [No reply]

Saturday:

4PM: (it's almost 24 hours later!)

• Him: Both places are good. ABC place is a bit further away.
• Me: Let's decide on one!! So we can start talking logistics. Both options seem fun. but XYZ place seems more affordable, and there are many buses to get there.
• [No reply]

1AM in the morning

• Him: Don't worry about buses. I'll rent a car and we'll drive to wherever we go.

Sunday:

10AM:

• Me: I sense that you aren't really interested in the trip. It's ok, we don't need to go. I'm not excited about the trip anymore
• [No reply. It's 7PM now]

I'm confused whether or not this guy wants to take the trip with me. Why is he not doing any planning and not giving any opinion? Is he even interested? Why did he say Yes if he doesn't want to go?

 

I don’t know the history here...is this a bf or a guy you haven’t even met yet?

 

this seems like a big thing...the first overnight/ weekend getaway date.

 

i dont know  what places you suggested and what he is interested in.

 

your last statement shut off dating plans.

 

 

 

 

[pc31]

Just now, Ami1uwant said:

I don’t know the history here...is this a bf or a guy you haven’t even met yet?

 

this seems like a big thing...the first overnight/ weekend getaway date.

 

i dont know  what places you suggested and what he is interested in.

 

your last statement shut off dating plans.

 

 

 

 

Oh, we have met and hanged out a few times. And it's not an overnight/weekend getaway, I suggested a day trip. 

The 2 locations that I suggested are a skiing village (but we can do other things besides skiing), and a waterfall. Both are touristy attractions and are within 2 hours of driving. It's a very short trip.