He broke up with me because of sex. but I still like him **Update**

[ccas93]

I get the sense he was down to go on the trip but was tentative about setting aside a whole day to go out with you after only talking a few weeks. He might not be 100% ready to want to spend a full day with you. He also may have not been 100% sure his availability for a certain day, hence why he was being tentative. 

 

 

[Blind-Sided]

1 hour ago, Artdeco said:

He said he’d rent a car and then you accused him of not being interested, and then you told him you’re not excited about the trip anymore. What do you expect him to do?

That says it all right there.  Not everyone is a txt'er.   I generally am... but sometimes I get hung up, and the forget to respond until several hours later.  But, if I was in that guy's position... and have only been dating/talking for a few weeks... and then I get a response like that (not excited any more)... I would just blow her off.  That's not just a bad assumption... it's changing the tone of the conversation to a point that makes you look needy, fickle, and moody.

[Ami1uwant]

2 hours ago, pc31 said:

Oh, we have met and hanged out a few times. And it's not an overnight/weekend getaway, I suggested a day trip. 

The 2 locations that I suggested are a skiing village (but we can do other things besides skiing), and a waterfall. Both are touristy attractions and are within 2 hours of driving. It's a very short trip.

What’s happen before when you met up and hung out?  Was it set up by you ? Him?

 

the other thing that jumped out yo me was that you expected him to be the lead and plannedeverything out.  

Early on if I was the one to always plan out things for early dates I’d serious wonder how serious she was about me. Am I going to p,an and pay for everything and she’ll do because it’s free to her. Herdoing the planning is a measuring stick of how interested she was.  But either way there is an underlying issue of how much interest does the other have in what you planned.  You might plan something you love to do and see by he has no interest and it’s like watching paint dry.

 

 

[chillii]

4 hours ago, Artdeco said:

He said he’d rent a car and then you accused him of not being interested, and then you told him you’re not excited about the trip anymore. What do you expect him to do?

Yeah exactly what l was thinking , talk about cut your own throat. Maybe you wanted him to get  a gold plated renta car.

To top it off it wouldn't have even been the next night yet , following his reply pattern.

[Gr8fuln2020]

5 hours ago, pc31 said:

Sunday:

 

10AM:

• Me: I sense that you aren't really interested in the trip. It's ok, we don't need to go. I'm not excited about the trip anymore
• [No reply. It's 7PM now]

I'm confused whether or not this guy wants to take the trip with me. Why is he not doing any planning and not giving any opinion? Is he even interested? Why did he say Yes if he doesn't want to go?

 

Well, the trip is off now. Your final response completely extinguished any hope for enthusiasm on his part. He may have done this intentionally, honestly. He definitely did not sound excited about it from the start. He couldn't even pick an option you took the time to come up with.

How often did he text prior to meeting you? Has his texting frequency changed? Could he have been with another 'distraction?' Just throwing out some ideas, questions.

 

Edited February 10, 2020 by Gr8fuln2020

[Interstellar]

So you’ve only known him a few weeks and you want to go on a trip together? while it’s nice that you found someone you like don’t you think it’s too early to be going on a trip with a complete stranger?  you don’t know much about him, and maybe he doesn’t want to take the trip with you also because he ain’t got any cash and is embarrassed to say it. When a guy hears the word trip or travel, he hears how much it’s gonna cost him.

Edited February 10, 2020 by Interstellar

[Fletch Lives]

Well, I don't see a day indicated, he's slow to decide, and it looks like you rejected him at the end (I don't blame you). 

It does not look very good.

[ExpatInItaly]

It's a moot point now, OP, since you shut it all down. I doubt whether you'll get much response to your last message. 

However, I am wondering how well you know him. Hanging out a few times probably means you don't yet have a very good read on his character, what he likes to do, his approach to dating in general. He sounds like he was halfheartedly going along with your idea but you two really should have spoken about this by phone. You'd have had a better impression of his interest level and could have avoided all this waiting around for a response. 

In the time you've known him, has he been initiating plans as well, or has it been mostly you? 

[schlumpy]

My Read:

You were looking for enthusiasm but his enthusiasm was being tamped down by logistics. He may have had to rearrange his work schedule or cancel an outing with friends to be with you that day. After some thought he decides that you are worth expending the resources to rent a car.

You misread his hesitancy for lack of enthusiasm and became petulant. 

With just a few weeks into the relationship it's not surprising that your two are not flying in formation.

[Ruby Slippers]

14 hours ago, Artdeco said:

Based on the text exchange I don’t see how he’s showing that he’s lukewarm. 

Here's my read of the subtext of their messages:

Friday: 

6PM: 

Me: Do you want to go for a day trip somewhere nearby but outside of the city?

Him: Oh yea we can. You gotta find a place to go to haha

"we can" is not anything close to "yes, that sounds fun". We can take a trip. We can also get a dental exam. "You gotta find a place to go" = I'm not doing the work.

Me: You have any recommendation or preference? [Send a link of Top 10 places for a spontaneous winter trip]

Him: I don't know. There isn't a lot during winter. Just ski trips.

"There isn't a lot during winter"? That's nonsense. I'm pretty sure there's all kinds of fun outdoor winter activities one can enjoy. I spent my Christmas break in the snowy mountains hiking, going to hot springs, checking out cute mountain towns. Tons to do, no end of things to do.

Me: I like ABC and XYZ places on the Top 10 page. What do you like?

[No reply]

No reply the rest of the day = meh.

Saturday:

4PM: (it's almost 24 hours later!)

Him: Both places are good. ABC place is a bit further away.

Me: Let's decide on one!! So we can start talking logistics. Both options seem fun. but XYZ place seems more affordable, and there are many buses to get there.

[No reply]

No reply the rest of the day = meh.

1AM in the morning

Him: Don't worry about buses. I'll rent a car and we'll drive to wherever we go.

1:00 in the morning? This is not a booty call. If he had any manners and gave a damn, he'd text at a reasonable hour.

Sunday:

10AM:

Me: I sense that you aren't really interested in the trip. It's ok, we don't need to go. I'm not excited about the trip anymore

[No reply. It's 7PM now]

No reply = meh = you're right, I'm not that interested.

Edited February 10, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[kendahke]

15 hours ago, Artdeco said:

What do you expect him to do?

Quote

 

6PM: 

Me: I like ABC and XYZ places on the Top 10 page. What do you like?

[No reply]

Saturday:

4PM: (it's almost 24 hours later!)

Him: Both places are good. ABC place is a bit further away.

[No reply]

1AM in the morning

Him: Don't worry about buses. I'll rent a car and we'll drive to wherever we go.

Sunday:

10AM:

Me: I sense that you aren't really interested in the trip. It's ok, we don't need to go. I'm not excited about the trip anymore

[No reply. It's 7PM now]

 

get back to her in a timely fashion so she can make arrangements since he said he wanted to go.

Quote

He may have had to rearrange his work schedule or cancel an outing with friends to be with you that day.

And he couldn't convey that to her in any of this texts?

I don't buy he's not a texter--seems he could text quite well from what she posted.

 

But OP, to answer the question in the title of your post: no, he isn't interested.  I'd cut the line and set him adrift.

Edited February 10, 2020 by kendahke

[Gr8fuln2020]

Not complicated. The guy was not interested nor invested. His inexplicable and lackluster communications said as much. 

Edited February 10, 2020 by Gr8fuln2020

[clia]

What was the urgency to have this trip decided upon and planned so quickly?  

You were asking him about this on Friday night (when most people have plans), Saturday (again, many people have plans or are busy running around), and then ditch the whole thing by Sunday morning because you think he didn't respond quickly enough.  He did respond, and he sounded interested enough, and I took your Saturday 4 p.m. message that you had somewhat decided upon XYZ location, and he responded with his idea for transportation (rent a car) to XYZ location.  I'm not sure what more you wanted from him after that message between 1 a.m. and 10 a.m. when you called it off? 

By the way, why didn't you see him all weekend?  Seems odd that you were just texting each other rather than actually going out on a date.  

[introverted1]

16 hours ago, pc31 said:

Oh, we have met and hanged out a few times.

Have you gone on an actual date with this guy?  What is your relationship? Are you having sex?

I wouldn't be asking about a day trip with someone unless we'd been dating for a bit and I was fairly sure of his interest in me.

[NuevoYorko]

This one is toast.  You sabotaged it from the start.  It seemed (to me anyway) manipulative for you to suggest a trip and then to work on roping him into the planning, especially in such a tight time frame.  The trip was YOUR idea, IMO it would be up to you to suggest something.  For example, "would you like to drive up to Greenland with me next weekend to check out the ice sculpture competition?"  You really started shoveling a lot of stuff on his plate.  

I'm pretty sure you won't be hearing from him anymore after this.

[kendahke]

OP--was this a $#!+ test?

Were you just taking his temperature to see if he had enough interest for your satisfaction? Or were you seriously trying to move the interaction towards the romantic/sexual phase?

Edited February 11, 2020 by kendahke

[stillafool]

23 hours ago, pc31 said:

Mostly because he took 12-24 hours to follow up and doesn't really make an effort to progress the conversation. He doesn't give any opinion and doesn't ask any question, such as when do you want to go?, etc. I'm the one who is leading the conversation 100%, so I sense that he's not really interested.

So after this are you still uninterested in going?

[GeorgiaPeach1]

He doesn't seem to be all that interested in taking a trip at this point. It's still very early, and you barely know one another. That being said, he was willing to entertain the idea until you got pushy. No man wants to be backed into a corner by an overly aggressive woman. It's weird that the whole weekend went by and he didn't take you on a date, yet here you were planning a getaway. You're trying to move things along too fast. You can apologize for overacting, but you've changed the tone of things and he may no longer be interested. (Too soon for there to be issues already. This is supposed to be the honeymoon stage.)

Edited February 11, 2020 by GeorgiaPeach1

[Gaeta]

On your phone, bottom left, there is an app called *phone*. That's what you use to make trip plans. You hear the guy's voice so you're in a better position to judge his level of interest and there is no silence with no reply. 

Edited February 11, 2020 by Gaeta

[pc31]

Thanks everyone for your comments. The short update is that he and I will be going on the trip this weekend (but not on/for Valentines Day).

A lot of people asked about our background story... He and I used to date for about 2 months, during which we texted everyday, spoke on the phone every 3-4 days, and went on a few dates. We both admitted that we liked each other, a lot. However when it came to the bedroom, he just couldn't perform... And we both knew he couldn't perform... Kinda sucked. We spoke about it, and we agreed that we wouldn't work as a couple. But because we got along very well, we agreed to remain friends. I am new to the city, so frankly, I do need a friend. We've switched to this friend mode for about 1.5 month now, and have met up once during this time as friends. It was cool. As friends, we don't need to hang out every weekend (hence we didn't hang out last weekend, and indeed have completely stopped hanging out during the weekends). Once in a while is fine. 

I asked him to go on the DAY trip (again, not a WEEKEND getaway as many people kept pushing the narrative) because, we are having a long weekend coming up, and like I said, I'm new to the city and I want to explore around. In the past, he said he wanted a vacation because the city is getting a bit stuffy, so I thought he would be interested in going somewhere for a change as well. I asked him in the most platonic way possible.  You know, friends some time go out and do things with each other. It doesn't have to be romantic. It's just a day trip for a few hours. Most of my friends (not in this city) are actually men, so I'm very comfortable hanging out with the boys.

What frustrated me about the situation was his change in communication style. While I certainly don't expect daily texts and frequent calls, I do expect him to respect my time and treat me like an actual friend, not a random stranger. As someone mentioned above, I basically just wanted him to get back to me in a timely fashion so I can make arrangements since he said he wanted to go. That's pretty much it. But for him to drag on this logistic arrangement for 5 days (1 text per day) (Friday last week to today Tuesday) feels very disrespectful.

I don't know if he's doing this on purpose?! What does he get out of this "strategy" of 1 text per day?! It is wasting everyone's time and highly unproductive. And yes, I'm calling him tonight to finalize logistics because the trip is this upcoming Sunday. I don't know if I should bring up the communication issue. It is borderline disrespectful from where I stand.

PS: Some people might say that friends who only know each other for a bit over 3 months aren't close enough and whatever, but we spoke about families and our other close friends very often (and saw their pictures, etc.), so we "know" who are important in each other's lives, etc. I mean, a romantic relationship without sex is basically a good friendship, so that's what I'm doing. I expect him to be my good friend, and I am his.

Edited February 12, 2020 by pc31

[pc31]

On 2/10/2020 at 10:23 AM, kendahke said:

get back to her in a timely fashion so she can make arrangements since he said he wanted to go.

And he couldn't convey that to her in any of this texts?

I don't buy he's not a texter--seems he could text quite well from what she posted.

 

But OP, to answer the question in the title of your post: no, he isn't interested.  I'd cut the line and set him adrift.

Thank you, You've articulated my thoughts. 

[Gaeta]

57 minutes ago, pc31 said:

PS: Some people might say that friends who only know each other for a bit over 3 months aren't close enough and whatever, but we spoke about families and our other close friends very often (and saw their pictures, etc.), so we "know" who are important in each other's lives, etc. I mean, a romantic relationship without sex is basically a good friendship, so that's what I'm doing. I expect him to be my good friend, and I am his.

I don't know pc31, sounds like you're looking for a BFF and he's not up for the job. I wouldn't chase him. I'd go on a day trip by myself. 

[preraph]

You asked him so it was up to you to do the planning.

[pc31]

3 minutes ago, preraph said:

You asked him so it was up to you to do the planning.

But I'm not going alone. I need to know what he likes to do, he doesn't like to do, what he can afford, etc. Having his inputs is important. What's the point of planning everything and then he might be like, Oh I don't like what you have planned at all. Do it again. Waste of my time.

[preraph]

You should have come up with maybe three ideas and givin him a choice. Anyway you popped off to him now after he offered to rent a car and drive up there, so I don't see this happening.