He broke up with me because of sex. but I still like him **Update**

[pc31]

Just now, preraph said:

You should have come up with maybe three ideas and givin him a choice. Anyway you popped off to him now after he offered to rent a car and drive up there, so I don't see this happening.

I DID come up with 2 options - ABC and XYZ locations - and asked him which one he liked. Isn't that enough suggestion already?

[preraph]

And he told you they were both fine and one of them was closer so I would have thought that was him choosing x y z. But you are mad because you didn't hear from him for a while. People have jobs and school and lives, and he probably wanted to research these places before answering. 

I feel like you're trying to hand over the reins to him and he's just not going for that, but he did his part offering to take the car. 

There's literally nothing to indicate he didn't want to go. I mean it would certainly be natural to be a little apprehensive.

 

 

[Caauug]

9 hours ago, pc31 said:

He and I used to date for about 2 months, during which we texted everyday, spoke on the phone every 3-4 days, and went on a few dates. We both admitted that we liked each other, a lot. However when it came to the bedroom, he just couldn't perform... And we both knew he couldn't perform... Kinda sucked. We spoke about it, and we agreed that we wouldn't work as a couple.

Geezzz, I wonder why???         Maybe it's not surprising really....

[Mystery4u]

13 hours ago, pc31 said:

snip

Why would he go on a day trip with a girl 'friend'? That's something you do with someone you are romantically involved with. I'm not surprised he isn't interested in going, I wouldn't be either. Waste of time.

You seem to be pushing this whole 'friends' thing too much. We men don't need or want women as friends to just hang out with, we have our boys for that. Day trips? Save that for someone we are actually dating.

You are both stuck in this middle ground and well it's best you both move on and find someone you are better suited to.

I would not be surprised if he pulls out of the trip last minute.

Edited February 12, 2020 by Mystery4u

[clia]

I still don't think Friday-Tuesday is an unreasonable amount of time to plan a day trip for the following weekend.  How much planning do you need?  You had decided on XYZ location and he said he would rent a car.  Beyond that you have all week to research what you might want to do there.  Again, what is the rush?   

Quote

I don't know if he's doing this on purpose?! What does he get out of this "strategy" of 1 text per day?! It is wasting everyone's time and highly unproductive. And yes, I'm calling him tonight to finalize logistics because the trip is this upcoming Sunday. I don't know if I should bring up the communication issue. It is borderline disrespectful from where I stand.

I don't think there is any "strategy" on his part.  My guess is he was busy Friday afternoon/evening when you first texted him and then busy doing things on Saturday.  Then on Sunday at 10 a.m. you told him it was off.  He probably wasn't just sitting around with his phone in his hand waiting for you to text him and to make a plan for the following weekend.  Some people just aren't big texters.  I know I'm not.  I will sometimes forget to text people back if I get busy doing other things, but it's not a "strategy" or anything like that.  It's just me being absent minded.    

Bring it up with him if you want, but if you do I wouldn't be surprised if he decided he didn't want to be "friends" with you because too much drama.  

[pc31]

10 hours ago, Caauug said:

Geezzz, I wonder why???         Maybe it's not surprising really....

What do you mean?!!! 

[pc31]

7 hours ago, Mystery4u said:

You seem to be pushing this whole 'friends' thing too much.

Sigh, I don't know what else to do. I like him, and he said he liked me, romantically. Trust me, I also want him sexually. But like I said, we tried having sex and he couldn't perform... (I wrote about the issue in an older thread). I asked him if there was anything I can do, and He said None. Instead of walking away completely, I'm removing the pressure by staying friends without any sexual expectation. If he ever wants to try again, I would be open to it. What else do you suggest us to do in this situation, besides trying to be friends?!

[Gaeta]

21 minutes ago, pc31 said:

Instead of walking away completely, I'm removing the pressure by staying friends without any sexual expectation. If he ever wants to try again, I would be open to it. What else do you suggest us to do in this situation, besides trying to be friends?!

I don't know, that doesn't sound like a good plan to me. Sounds more like his ego is hurt and he is not interested in just being friends. I am trying to put myself in his shoes. You think you removed the pressure by asking to be friends, but I think what you removed is his romantic interest in you. 

[stillafool]

19 hours ago, pc31 said:

But I'm not going alone. I need to know what he likes to do, he doesn't like to do, what he can afford, etc. Having his inputs is important. What's the point of planning everything and then he might be like, Oh I don't like what you have planned at all. Do it again. Waste of my time.

Maybe since you brought it up he's expecting you to make the plans and pay.

[stillafool]

42 minutes ago, pc31 said:

What do you mean?!!! 

I think he means he tried to have sex with you and it still didn't work for him.  Maybe now he's going to try another woman to see if it will work with her.

[Gaeta]

I've read your last thread and frankly just leave him be. He's moving away, he offered to be friends so he could let you down softly and you took it literally that you'd be the best of friends. He just wants to text you here and there, he doesn't want the type of friendship you are hoping for. You only had sex twice and it didn't work, and instead of being patient with him you put additional pressure on him by telling him you're a sex-craved woman. Now he knows he will never be able to climb the mountain you've put in front of him. Let him go. 

[basil67]

21 hours ago, pc31 said:

But because we got along very well, we agreed to remain friends. 

Interesting that you've posted this in the 'relationship' section rather than 'friendship' section.  Innocent slip, or does it have secret significance?

I agree with the others that you're putting too much on him.    Be proactive with planning.  Trust yourself.   And why not just suggest going skiing for a day?   I'd be delighted if a mate suggested that.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

It seems you are a lot more interested in being friends than he is. 

I think you would be wise to foster other friendships and not try to force this one so much. 

[Highndry]

8 hours ago, pc31 said:

Sigh, I don't know what else to do. I like him, and he said he liked me, romantically. Trust me, I also want him sexually. But like I said, we tried having sex and he couldn't perform... (I wrote about the issue in an older thread). I asked him if there was anything I can do, and He said None. Instead of walking away completely, I'm removing the pressure by staying friends without any sexual expectation. If he ever wants to try again, I would be open to it. What else do you suggest us to do in this situation, besides trying to be friends?!

There are really only two reasons a guy can't perform - it's either mental or physical. Usually for younger guys, it's mental, essentially anxiety. They are overly concerned with their performance, and that leads to a complete failure to perform. If he keeps avoiding it, it's only going to get worse. The only way to fix it is to deal with it head on. You keep practicing.

For some reason, reading around here it seems like a lot of women think good sex is all the guy's responsibility, and that the first time should be lights out. That couldn't be further from reality. Good sex comes from both parties putting forth good effort as well as practice. Two people getting together for the first time is rarely the best. Sure, there are instances where it's great the first time, but not always. It's time for you two to practice. People need to put effort into sex. In a new relationship you are just learning about each other and your bodies.

For all you women out there - if a guy goes limp, has premature ejaculation or whatever, you need to be understanding and work with him to make it work. You don't pass judgment and assume he's broken beyond repair or whatever. That's not what's going on unless he actually has a physical issue, which is pretty rare for a young man.

Edited February 13, 2020 by Highndry

[elaine567]

You are in a new city and lonely.
You are trying to make friends out of a guy who dumped you due to his PE.
Most in an amicable break up, say "Let's be friends"  VERY few mean it literally
I am sure this was a very upsetting and humiliating experience in his life, made worse by your reaction I guess.
NOW you want to drag him along to a day trip as your "friend".

23 hours ago, Mystery4u said:

I would not be surprised if he pulls out of the trip last minute.

Neither would I.

[pc31]

Just want to give everyone an update...

We did go on the trip and it was quite fun. It was clear that we didn't go as a couple because we always maintained a certain physical distance when walking, sitting, etc... While it was fine, it is now clear to me that I am not 100% emotionally Ok with this arrangement. I clearly want more and was basically just in denial... So this is not healthy for me. 

I also noticed that he has started dating, or at least talking to other women (I saw some peeks on this phone during the trip) and it kinda stings. He broke up with me because he was moving away and didn't want to be too close. He broke up with me because he couldn't perform in bed. And now he's talking to other women?!! So clearly, the issue isn't about external circumstances, it has always been about me. Sigh, I don't know anything anymore. I will take a step back in order to keep myself sane. This is not healthy for me.

Edited February 17, 2020 by pc31

[andytuotuo]

8 hours ago, pc31 said:

Just want to give everyone an update...

We did go on the trip and it was quite fun. It was clear that we didn't go as a couple because we always maintained a certain physical distance when walking, sitting, etc... While it was fine, it is now clear to me that I am not 100% emotionally Ok with this arrangement. I clearly want more and was basically just in denial... So this is not healthy for me. 

I also noticed that he has started dating, or at least talking to other women (I saw some peeks on this phone during the trip) and it kinda stings. He broke up with me because he was moving away and didn't want to be too close. He broke up with me because he couldn't perform in bed. And now he's talking to other women?!! So clearly, the issue isn't about external circumstances, it has always been about me. Sigh, I don't know anything anymore. I will take a step back in order to keep myself sane. This is not healthy for me.

Hi there, 

Good to hear you guys have a decent trip together and you were able to identify your feelings for him, that is really good. You know you like him but you are frustrated. You see it as what it could have been. Your reaction is complete normal, especially after seeing him talking to other girls. Everyone will get the sense of jealousy and it could even be that you want him even more because you know you might lose him. Sorry I am just taking wild guesses here.

The sex thing is incredibly heavy on a guy, trust me It can completely destroy a guys' self esteem from my own experience. Some time I wonder if things will be different if sex was better.

some time things are just too far gone and there is nothing we could do. The best way is just to keep moving forward and avoid anymore stresses and anxiety.

Good luck 

[ExpatInItaly]

The silver lining here is that now you won't try to maintain this friendship, OP. It wasn't a wise choice, but sometimes we have to be reminded of our errors in judgment by events like this to really listen. 

So, yes, take a big step back. Trying to be friends with him is only hurting you. 

[Gaeta]

Please be humble enough to recognize your part in this. He broke up with you AFTER you told him you're a highly sexual person and this isn't gonna cut it for you. You crushed his ego instead of offering patience and understanding. It's normal he broke up with you. 

[pc31]

BREATHE. I NEED TO BREATHE. OMG. 

It is now confirmed to me that the guy is dating other women. I am PISSED. I know I'm not in the position to feel pissed but I still am. Why didn't he tell me anything about him dating? I had to ask... JESUS. I feel DECEIVED. I know he hasn't deceived me, but I can't help but feel this way. Sigh. CLEARLY I HAVE ISSUES. CLEARLY THIS FRIENDSHIP IS FAKE. 

Sigh, retract my energy. RETRACT. BREATHE. WHY IS IT SO f***ING HARD TO BREATHE? :((((  I DON'T KNOW WHY I AM SUDDENLY SO ANGRY?? I AM LITERALLY SHAKING. Sigh, I AM SO DISAPPOINTED. 

There's literally no way in hell we can be friends. Like, acquaintances, MAYBE. But definitely not friends. 

Edited February 20, 2020 by pc31

[pc31]

He's been telling me how he's been going to the gym to improve his physicality. The whole time I thought he was focusing on curing his PE, so that once he feels good enough, we can try again, if he is still around. OMG HOW NAIVE IS THAT THOUGHT?!!!! I HONESTLY believed that because he didn't really date/have sex for a while (According to him, for a year!), he ONLY discovered the whole PE thing when WE started to be physical. And so, since now that he has discovered it, he's trying to work on curing it, etc. I didn't want to give him pressure on the timeline of him working on his stuff. WTF though. If he cannot f*** AT ALL, why bother with dating??! Like, seriously. I AM SO CONFUSED RIGHT NOW. Sigh, all i'm feeling is ANGER.

[LivingWaterPlease]

17 minutes ago, pc31 said:

! Like, seriously. I AM SO CONFUSED RIGHT NOW. Sigh, all i'm feeling is ANGER.

Your anger has taken over because you don't understand what has happened. Posters have been clearly explaining what has happened.

He demonstrated PE and you made it clear to him that his performance was problematic.

Innately he knew this would affect his performance hereafter with you so he friend zoned you with the goal of phasing you out gradually.

You mentioned the other guys you had sex with, that you didn't have an emotional and/or intellectual connection with, but you LIKE this guy and can relate to him in conversations better than you did the others. So this probably makes him more attractive as a partner to you which is understandable.

If you had put the intellectual/emotional aspect of your friendship (romantic) first rather than having sex so early in the relationship, you would have had a greater opportunity to build a foundation together that would have sustained you when you finally consummated the relationship. He would have most likely felt more secure because he would have known your interest in him went beyond sexual performance. And that may have translated to better sexual performance by him from the get go.

At the very least, even had he still performed poorly, both of you would have a foundation to have begun working to get through the performance issue.

Don't be angry, use this experience to learn from. He's doing nothing wrong by dating others. You basically told him he wasn't a good enough sexual partner for you so it seems he's looking for someone he'll be more compatible with.

Next time you meet someone you really like, take time to build a relationship with the person before having sex together. That way, if problems arise you'll have a strong foundation in place to rely on in order to work through them.

 

[LivingWaterPlease]

pc31, I see you responded to my post with a "sad" button. I'm so sorry for your feelings. Live and learn is an adage I've lived by and I've had a lot of learning to do. We all do. It's really sad, to me, that there seems to be such a free-wheeling attitude toward casual sex. I believe it comes back to bite many people later on in a relationship in various ways. But, you hear an outcry on this board and other places when someone suggests it's best to wait on sex in a relationship. So many feel entitled to it and seem to me to be not thinking of long term happiness. Waiting to have sex in a relationship pays big dividends. A lot of people don't realize this and could be because they've never tried living that way. It's not something you do so you can claim to be a goody goody. It's something that is done because it prepares one for a better future.

[pc31]

1 hour ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

pc31, I see you responded to my post with a "sad" button. I'm so sorry for your feelings. Live and learn is an adage I've lived by and I've had a lot of learning to do. We all do. It's really sad, to me, that there seems to be such a free-wheeling attitude toward casual sex. I believe it comes back to bite many people later on in a relationship in various ways. But, you hear an outcry on this board and other places when someone suggests it's best to wait on sex in a relationship. So many feel entitled to it and seem to me to be not thinking of long term happiness. Waiting to have sex in a relationship pays big dividends. A lot of people don't realize this and could be because they've never tried living that way. It's not something you do so you can claim to be a goody goody. It's something that is done because it prepares one for a better future.

Thanks for your response. I realize I do know why I feel deceived. And I know, NONE of the reasons matter, but I just want to write them down.

 1. Like I said many times, he keeps sending me memes and so sometimes we do text back and forth. Every time I asked him 'what's new with you?' He kept complaining how INCREDIBLY busy he is at work, how he has to work until really late (to the AMs), how his life lately is ONLY about work and gym. He emphasized it so much to the point that I felt bad for bothering him. 

2. Before the day trip last weekend, he out of nowhere sent me a song titled "Grow as we go", in which some of the lyrics go something like this "They don't know me and you. I don't think you have to leave. If to change is what you need, You can change right next to me. When you're high, I'll take the lows, etc." You get the idea.

During the day trip, when I saw the open dating app on his phone, even though it hurt, I thought he was just bored and browsing around. I do that too, sometimes, so I was still kinda OK. Today is confirmed that he actually went on a date with another woman, despite claiming how CRAZILY busy he was. I feel very deceived.

I haven't gone on a date with anyone else since we broke up. I didn't even think about going on a date with other people, at all, actually. 

This literally breaks my heart. I'm so incredibly disappointed. So incredibly disappointed. Breathe. I need to breathe.

Edited February 20, 2020 by pc31

[pc31]

3 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

You basically told him he wasn't a good enough sexual partner for you so it seems he's looking for someone he'll be more compatible with.

I literally asked him at least 5 times in 3 different occasions if there were anything I could do to help him. He could literally have said anything and I would do it for him. Instead, he said "There's nothing you can do", to me, at least 2 times. Like I said, I've tried to be helpful!!!!

Right now I feel like this whole thing has been a LIE the whole damn time. He lied about, to quote him, "have a huge crush on me". He lied about being busy. He probably lied about not knowing why PE, when in all reality, it was because he wasn't into me in the first place. I feel so naive and pity for myself.