He broke up with me because of sex. but I still like him **Update**

[LivingWaterPlease]

pc31, you're going through a really hard time. So, yes, breathe! You've gotten through the worst of it in realizing what's going on with him. This is the hardest time but it will pass. Just put one foot in front of the other. Are you a person of faith. I sense you may not be but I don't know. Faith in God is powerful and has gotten many through very difficult times.

[LivingWaterPlease]

18 minutes ago, pc31 said:

I literally asked him at least 5 times in 3 different occasions if there were anything I could do to help him. He could literally have said anything and I would do it for him. Instead, he said "There's nothing you can do", to me, at least 2 times. Like I said, I've tried to be helpful!!!!

Right now I feel like this whole thing has been a LIE the whole damn time. He lied about, to quote him, "have a huge crush on me". He lied about being busy. He probably lied about not knowing why PE, when in all reality, it was because he wasn't into me in the first place. I feel so naive and pity for myself.

pc31, sadly, once you told him he wasn't performing well enough sexually for you, I believe it shut off ways you might have been able to help him. I'm sorry to write that to you. Men (and women) really don't want to go into an intimate experience feeling as if they're handicapped. Part of the joy of sexuality in being confident in what you have to offer another person. When a person goes into it feeling they aren't good enough at sex it kind of kills the spark between the two participants.

He probably did have a huge crush on you. And in some way he may be processing putting at least a portion of that to rest, being as the sexual issue is more than he cares to pursue at this point.

I'm so sorry and wonder if this is too much for you to process at this point as you're processing that he's dating someone else now.

Also, telling you he's so busy may not be a lie as it seems he is really very busy. I don't know about the PE, whether or not it was genuine. At this point it seems to me it really doesn't matter. 

Editing this to add: For future reference if a man is  having trouble performing it might be a good idea to focus on things other than his performance, during intimate times and during other times, too. For instance, you could have focused on something (s) positive about his body, spending some time complimenting him on it. It seems to me most people have something about the way they appear, some aspect of the way they relate intimately or whatever, that is superior. It would help to focus on that aspect of the person. That would show the person they are secure with you and feeling secure in one's sexuality is an aphrodisiac. 

 

Edited February 20, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease

[basil67]

I don't think he was lying about having a huge crush.  He probably did have one, but you blew it out of the water with your drunken phone call.   Anything he said after the call doesn't count.

While you persist in making yourself out to be the victim, you're missing out on a big learning opportunity, including taking responsibility for your own actions.

[elaine567]

He broke up with you due to the PE episode and your reaction to it I guess.
You then agreed and pushed to be friends and dragged him off on a day trip, but now you are "Pissed" because he is dating someone else.
Why?
He was done with you romantically when he broke things off.
Friends are quite entitled to date other people.
Never agree to be "just friends" if you want something more, as you are bound to get hurt.

[Els]

4 hours ago, pc31 said:

I literally asked him at least 5 times in 3 different occasions if there were anything I could do to help him. He could literally have said anything and I would do it for him. Instead, he said "There's nothing you can do", to me, at least 2 times. Like I said, I've tried to be helpful!!!!

I haven't read all of the pages of your thread, only the opening and last one... but I am a bit confused. You keep saying he has premature ejaculation, but this actually sounds like erectile dysfunction. Which is it? Premature ejaculation means that the man has no problems getting erect, he just ejaculates really, really quickly (and IMO is not really a huge "problem", there are plenty of ways to work around it). Erectile dysfunction sounds more like what you are describing, where he cannot maintain or have an erection.

[pc31]

5 hours ago, Elswyth said:

I haven't read all of the pages of your thread, only the opening and last one... but I am a bit confused. You keep saying he has premature ejaculation, but this actually sounds like erectile dysfunction. Which is it? Premature ejaculation means that the man has no problems getting erect, he just ejaculates really, really quickly (and IMO is not really a huge "problem", there are plenty of ways to work around it). Erectile dysfunction sounds more like what you are describing, where he cannot maintain or have an erection.

He was able to erect, but the first time he came after maybe 1 minute, the second time was maybe 4-5 minutes, and the third time was before he even put it in. 

I don't know which one he has. Ive never encountered this with other people and he refused to talk to me about it 

[preraph]

I know a guy who didn't last long when young and still didn't 30 years later.  Some guys are just that way.  Even on Viagra, he didn't last long at all.  I mean, if they make up for it, for me, that works, but if not, I don't see the point of all the awkwardness and putting each other through that.  

[elaine567]

46 minutes ago, pc31 said:

He was able to erect, but the first time he came after maybe 1 minute, the second time was maybe 4-5 minutes, and the third time was before he even put it in. 

I don't know which one he has. Ive never encountered this with other people and he refused to talk to me about it 

That is premature ejaculation.

[elaine567]

https://www.urologyhealth.org/urologic-conditions/premature-ejaculation
With the techniques listed in the link apparently 95%  of men will recover from PE.

[Els]

On 2/21/2020 at 2:38 AM, pc31 said:

He was able to erect, but the first time he came after maybe 1 minute, the second time was maybe 4-5 minutes, and the third time was before he even put it in. 

I don't know which one he has. Ive never encountered this with other people and he refused to talk to me about it 

Okay, that third occasion is premature ejaculation - the second one isn't (4-5 min of PIV is well within the normal range), and the first is borderline.

I mean... I don't think that there's much hope for this relationship due to other issues, and moving on is probably the best solution. But if it happens again with a different partner, there are a lot of things that can be done to alleviate it - and they don't even need to be medical. Firstly, you don't have to go without an O just because he has cum, he still has functioning fingers and a tongue, or sex toys etc can be used. To last longer, the man can also try masturbating shortly beforehand, or wearing a condom, or focusing more on you than on him during foreplay.

I personally feel that sex "finishing" when the man does is not a particularly great way to go about things. It puts a lot of undue pressure on the man, and also results in a lot of frustrated women.

[pc31]

He keeps texting me memes. He sent 2 texts last night and again another text this morning. I've been ignoring them. I don't know what this guy wants with me, but I think I'm pretty done with this back and forth game. I gain nothing from it and it adds more stress to my life.

[pc31]

1 hour ago, Elswyth said:

he still has functioning fingers and a tongue

Tried fingering, he didn't know what he was doing. It was awkward and rather painful, so I told him to stop. He didn't want to give oral sex because we weren't that close yet; oral sex is considered unhygienic to him.

[Els]

1 hour ago, pc31 said:

oral sex is considered unhygienic to him.

Well that's a way worse dealbreaker than PE in my book!

[elaine567]

He has PE, he has no idea how to finger, fingering by  him is painful and he thinks oral is "unhygienic"

What do you see in him?
 

[HappySenior]

This guy is way too much work for someone in their 30's. (Forgive me if I'm wrong, I had been married a long time by my 30's so no experience in actual dating at that age.) I understand you feeling like the problem is no attraction for you. It's possible, but it is also very possible it has always been a problem of his and he keeps trying different doors to see if the key works. 

Sex is tricky - most women can get off with a vibrator and maybe a little finger work, depending on type. Men are a little more prone to having things go wrong as they age. One of my ex's was on blood pressure medication and that made it difficult to hold an erection. But we managed (this is what long-term marriages are good for if you stay friends). The last one wasn't on any medication, but every time he got too warm or worked up, he'd lose it. We always managed to get it back - I didn't see it as that much of a problem.

One guy I started a relationship with and I made a trip out to see - we attempted to have sex, but he just could not get it up. I knew he had a reason for that, so I let it go; didn't bother me that much. I thought we had been getting along really well, but after that point he basically said "slow down" on the communication, stopped his previous behavior, and when it upset me that his attitude had changed and he wouldn't tell me why. Because I was trying to figure it all out (long distance, mind you and on a web site where people gather) he accused me of all kinds of nasty things. "Stalking" etc.  All because his sudden rejection of me I was in shock - we left on excellent terms I had thought, and I was friends with his family.  It took me a long while to recover... but... next ex couldn't keep it down! lol So it wasn't me. 

I now realize it was his own sense of shame. It caused him to lose the attraction and he couldn't admit it. EVEN THOUGH I didn't say the kinds of things you did. So don't blame yourself too much. Chances are good he'd have bailed anyway. Said guy above has been single pretty much since then, even though I have been in two five year relationships - and one a marriage (or something that resembled one) at that.

No dearie... you move on. Your best life is waiting ahead. No time to waste. You and him won't work and chances are him and someone else won't work either. But you - you have learned something and keep reading this forum because you can learn so much more that way! (Doesn't mean you won't make mistakes, but most of mine were made putting sex too close to the beginning of the relationship and falling before I saw the red flags!) Try not to do that...

[Ruby Slippers]

You're not close enough for him to go down on you but you are close enough for him to put his penis inside you? This guy is completely full of s***. 

[pc31]

3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

What do you see in him?
 

He and I have great conversations and are very compatible intellectually. We also have fairly similar lifestyle and worldview. He makes me feel appreciated and respected, and I can be myself around him. It is quite comfortable, minus the sex. 

[ExpatInItaly]

You two are sexually incompatible, and I am not referring to the ED or PE. You want different things in the bedroom and have very different ways of dealing with challenges there. 

This reads more like you two could have been friends, but not lovers. Great conversation is important, sure, but romantic chemistry is significant in forming a true romantic bond and it appears to be lacking between you and him. 

Him seeing someone else tells you he is thinking the same thing. He might be fine texting sometimes and getting attention from you, but that's where it ends for him. Don't bother trying to keep this friendship going, unless you're also prepared to hear the latest on who he's dating. 

[Miss Spider]

He’s just not that into you I’m that way. I would move on 

Edited February 22, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[norealusername]

This was doomed back when you called him out on his sexual dysfunction, PE. I'm sure this guy does like you, it's just too awkward for him to have any kind of relationship with you now. 

I've had the opposite of this guy's problem, sometimes it can take me forever to finish. I don't think you realize how frustrating and stressful it can be for a man not to perform as expected. You basically dumped him early on because of it. You could have given him a little time and patience to work it out early on.

[elaine567]

14 minutes ago, norealusername said:

You basically dumped him early on because of it.

NO, he dumped her.

[norealusername]

2 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

NO, he dumped her.

Yes, after she told him it would never work long term because she needed more sex. 

[Rockdad]

On 2/20/2020 at 1:00 AM, basil67 said:

I don't think he was lying about having a huge crush.  He probably did have one, but you blew it out of the water with your drunken phone call.   Anything he said after the call doesn't count.

While you persist in making yourself out to be the victim, you're missing out on a big learning opportunity, including taking responsibility for your own actions.

Exactly

I don't mean to this to bee hurtful in anyway. Reading through this entire thread and the fussing back over and over again at the sound advice that was offered I started feeling anxiety myself for the guy.  I don't have anxiety issues either!  It would serve the OP well to stop and  deeply consider what basil posted.

Edited February 28, 2020 by Rockdad

[basil67]

5 hours ago, norealusername said:

Yes, after she told him it would never work long term because she needed more sex. 

Exactly.  The OP set herself up to be dumped.

[Highndry]

On 2/21/2020 at 12:06 PM, pc31 said:

Tried fingering, he didn't know what he was doing. It was awkward and rather painful, so I told him to stop. He didn't want to give oral sex because we weren't that close yet; oral sex is considered unhygienic to him.

There is clearly no sexual chemistry going on here. Find a guy who you are compatible with. Best of luck.

PS - I mean no disrespect here, but if you aren't smelling "fresh," then most guys aren't going there. I've had a fair amount of partners in my life (I'm middle aged now), and there is no greater turn-off than a woman with poor hygiene. Thankfully I've only experienced it a couple times. Put my face and mouth there? Not interested.

Edited March 1, 2020 by Highndry