Questioning Monogamy

[divegrl]

So pretty shocked right now. There is a couple that I have been friends with for a couple of years. Their relationship seems awesome: they are always communicating needs, listening to each other, supporting one another grow. 
 

They have been together 15 years and been though a lot of stressful events but have made the choice to commit to one another. So I asked them for advice. They laughed and said... therapy, date nights, vacations alone together. All the normal stuff... and then they said.... having sex with other people. 
 

My jaw dropped. 
 

She said that she is actually happy when her partner is having pleasure with another woman. That it comes from a place of connectedness... not a place of hiding like with affairs. They have boundaries and they respect one another. 
 

It has me thinking... maybe they have it right. With so many affairs, divorces, heartbreak and pain; maybe continuing to experience each other’s sexuality in a safe way might lead to healthier relationships?

 

I don’t know. Just been thinking about this today... and I would love to hear others thoughts and perspectives. 
 

Thank you for listening. 

[FMW]

If everyone is on the same page, great.  But a lot, if not most, people have a problem with the one they love having sex with other people.  I'm one of those people who would have a problem with it.  

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

You actually need to have a lot more boundaries in an open relationship than you do a monogamous one... I know its like, oh you get to have your cake and eat it too, but that isn't necessarily the case, takes a lot of work and communication to make an open relationship sustainable.

[DKT3]

Neither monogamous or none monogamous relationships are for every couple.  

One thing for sure, if the relationship isnt strong with honesty as its base none monogamous relationship will fail 100% of the time.

Some simply can't handle sharing,  its sounds good in theory. 

To be honest,  sex with other isn't what usually ends marriages it's the stuff that comes with it.

[Els]

Poly vs monogamy is like the kink vs vanilla debate. Neither is inherently "healthier" than the other, it's just a matter of choosing what YOU are wired for. If you're inherently monogamous (and I know I am), going for poly sounds like a recipe for disaster. Ditto if you are polygamous but force yourself into a monogamous marriage.

The poly/mono topic is discussed quite often in the kink communities I hang out in. I've seen people talk about "trying to go poly because their partner is poly", and the heartbreak that ensues. Not every poly couple/group is happy.

[Blind-Sided]

I agree with most above.  I love to be intimate with my partner... and I can appreciate a perfect person walking down the street.  But, sex isn't a driving force with me.  So I don't have the desire to have sex with anyone other than the person I'm committed to. And because of that... I wouldn't want a SO who would want to be with another.    Don't get me wrong... I'm not the guy preaching "No sex before marriage"... and I've even had a few FWB or ONS in my life... but that stopped when I got married.   And honestly... I think that's why I'm hainvg some dating issues right now.  I am fully over my ex, and I want to date... but the last date that felt "Real"... something in my head made it wrong.   I truly believe that I'm just wired to be monogamous... and after 20 years with my ex... it's hard for me to want to be intimate with someone else. (even if I am aroused)

[2BGoodAgain]

it really depends on the morality/understanding/standards of the couple involved.... to do it or not. It's like most things, it's rare for something like that to work out b/c both partners have to be in the same place and have the same agreed standards and lines drawn... it's hard to find it.

From the stand point of someone who isn't OK with something like that... that in itself, is a non starter. The only type of girl i'd be ok with that kind of relationship would be with someone i didn't really feel that close to.  but that's just me. 

I honestly think you COULD prob find a woman who's into that, but then here's the tough part... people change... you two may START OUT wanting it, and then end up not... or one partner changes.... etc.

can you say 100% that as you take turns having sex with other people, you won't fall more for the woman you meet, than the woman you're with? and vice versa? What if she finds someone who has a better chemistry, get along better with, etc... than you? 

Honestly, from my perspective, they've accepted that if they don't do this, they'll cheat on each other...  so to stay together/keep the marriage, etc... they sleep around, with some ground rules that they've obviously agreed to. aka open marriage.

Of course, my standing on this came about after I saw a documentary about open relationships... and it was based on 3 relationships... with different years together, etc.... they had all sorts of rules, and understandings and communications... by the end of the documentary, all three relationships were over. a bf/gf, 2 marriages, i believe.

of course, mebbe even if they didn't have an open relationship, it might have ended anyway... who knows.

 

[2BGoodAgain]

1 hour ago, Blind-Sided said:

I agree with most above.  I love to be intimate with my partner... and I can appreciate a perfect person walking down the street.  But, sex isn't a driving force with me.  So I don't have the desire to have sex with anyone other than the person I'm committed to. And because of that... I wouldn't want a SO who would want to be with another.    Don't get me wrong... I'm not the guy preaching "No sex before marriage"... and I've even had a few FWB or ONS in my life... but that stopped when I got married.   And honestly... I think that's why I'm hainvg some dating issues right now.  I am fully over my ex, and I want to date... but the last date that felt "Real"... something in my head made it wrong.   I truly believe that I'm just wired to be monogamous... and after 20 years with my ex... it's hard for me to want to be intimate with someone else. (even if I am aroused)

but that's the thing... most A's isn't b/c of the sex... the sex is the result symptom of a larger issue.

when my A and I started, we were just communicating indirectly for years in comment sections. we weren't even commenting to each other, just saying this or that. nothing in it sexual or arousing... just comments, not even flirting.

it wasn't until we started connecting, and perhaps we were fooling ourselves and we were looking for something, but it wasn't like we were actively seeking out others... but we were ripe for the event, b/c we were unaware just how unhappy we were in our relationships.

so when it did happen, it was quite sudden, though in hindisight, we should have been better prepared to avoid it.

That's the fallacy most people who's never crossed the line never realize... by the time the sex happens, you're way past the proper boundary line and you crossed it without even realizing it... so saying that, isn't a fool proof line.

[central]

We've been non-monogamous since a few months after we met 20 years ago. We both like occasional sexual variety, and it has enhanced our own sex life tremendously. Most of the time, we've been effectively monogamous in that we haven't had other partners. But we have always had the option to pursue others, and have done so on numerous occasions. It's certainly not for most people, but for us it is a very good fit for our beliefs and polyamorous tendencies - monogamy has never felt quite right to us. We do have excellent communication and caring for each other, so carefully avoid anyone or any situation that will cause serious concerns or issues.  We've swapped with other couples, or each met someone we've seen separately, ranging from a few dates to a few years.

Many people cheat. This is the opposite. Cheaters lie and hide what they're doing. We're fully informed and in mutual agreement, so there is no betrayal involved. Actually, we're happy for each other that we get to have some extraordinary experiences and can share in each other's happiness.

[PrimalInstinct]

Couldn't do it myself.

Personally, and absolutely no offense, I've always seen open relations as little more than acknowledged cheating. How is it not? So the partner knows they're screwing Mr Adams or Ms Ratched. I can't see how it's not a blow to the other's self esteem/sense of worth that they aren't "good enough" to have their partner's attention alone.

Ironically, one of the biggest things pro-open/polygamous sites spout about is dealing with jealousy... jealousy is in many ways just insecurity/sense of inferiority manifested as people who are secure in their relationships or themselves don't get jealous easily. What's there to be jealous of when there's mutual respect & you know where you stand with your partner without having to (constantly) wonder who is better at what, who does what, etc. I see it as a consent game of "one upmanship" in a way & a couple of blogs by ex-polygamous imply it is.

Btw a lot of people say it's okay because there's consent. I wanna know *who* exactly is consenting - a partner who couldn't really give a damn because they're likewise sleeping around or a, to be blunt, "doormat" who knows it'd happen anyway and anything said won't change that. 

 

 

Edited January 24, 2020 by PrimalInstinct

[mark clemson]

Different strokes for different folks. They're "on to something" that works for them. Power to 'em if they can pull it off. Doesn't mean it would work for you though.

[carhill]

OP,  did they mention any particular inclusions or exclusions... examples like mutual friends, in-laws, social circle members, work colleagues, etc. ? Also, types of relations? Sexual, emotional, etc? Since humans are capable of vastly disparate expressions of themselves, and attachments to those expressions and the objects of them, such parameters can vary widely. How do they manage that?

IMO, a relationship is defined by those in it. Might not be my cuppa personally but that's not really relevant or applicable to anothers relationship. IMO questioning boundaries in a relationship is a healthy thing; it promotes clear and honest communication, a cornerstone of intimate human relations.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

There are already millions of STDs passed and abortions in the US alone every year. I think people are already having enough sex with various people.

 

[Daisydooks]

It is not for me.  I might glance at the odd pair of pipes every now and again, but I cant for a second imagine jumping into bed elsewhere  

If it works for someone else, and all parties are not only knowledgeable but supportive, I say have fun! If it makes someone happy and keeps them together, who the heck am I to judge? Haha Have at it, ya crazy kids! 

Did you ask them how they even brought this idea to the table? His idea? Her idea? Even if I wanted to, I'm not sure how I'd say "hey. I think we should stay married, and do all the things married people do, but we should sleep with other people too! Fun, eh?" I am so curious. Hahaha

It's not for everyone, but it's an idea. Lol! 

[VioletVelvet]

I know lots of poly people (seems to be a trend these days). There are practically as many ways of being poly as there are people. (actually to get terms correct my understanding is that poly implies having loving relationships with more than one person whereas just sex with others is an open relationship) Sometimes a couple are the only actual partners but they can have sex with others. One couple I know, the wife has one other long-term partner. This second partner is monogamous because that's how he wants to be, and she has only the two men because her non-spouse partner is only ok with her having two partners. The husband meanwhile has outside-of-marriage sex but no other partners. Another woman I know freaked out when her partner traveled with his other woman, but she was cool with them the rest of the time -- traveling together felt too intimate for her to be ok with. She doesn't have another partner but is free to have sex with whoever she wants. For lots of people monogamy is the only way. The main thing is to be honest with yourself, to communicate communicate communicate, understand that there will be circumstances you're uncomfortable with, and always be prepared to discuss them. 

[major_merrick]

Well, it seems that your friends are into swinging or polyamory.  Which seems kind of weird to me, as I can be jealous.  If my partners were having sex with other people and I wasn't invited, I'd be really mad really fast. 

However, there's another route you can take.  Polyfidelity.  For me, that has made me able to have a relationship with my husband.  We tried monogamy, and it did not work.  I need some variety, and I also need female attention and my sex drive is too much for most individuals to satisfy totally.  So with multiple partners in a committed relationship, it works for me.  I have my husband, my two GF's, and my husband has three other wives that I'm also involved with.  So our bed has SEVEN people in it at night.  Not all of us have sex with each other, for example my GF#2 and my husband don't get involved.  But the closeness of being together reduces or eliminates jealousy.  I like seeing my husband and Wife #4 going at it, or my GF#1 and Wife #1 enjoying their time together.  Since we're each other's partners, nobody minds if I join in. 

Now I'm not going to lie to you, it has its moments where things aren't so fun.  For example, Wife #1 and I went through a phase where we REALLY had issues getting along.  We got through it, but for a few weeks it was pretty unpleasant.  Sometimes jealousy creeps in when you think someone is playing favorites.  Around Christmas, things weren't so great and I felt like everybody was sort of ignoring me.  I hate being ignored, and having my partners having fun around me while I was feeling irritated kinda sucked. 

But anyway, just because your friends want to have sex with other people doesn't mean it will work for you.  There's tons of options between monogamy and polyamory.

[VioletVelvet]

31 minutes ago, major_merrick said:

So our bed has SEVEN people in it at night. 

Do you mean literally or figuratively? 

[major_merrick]

Literally.  We have a huge bed.  It's very cozy and warm in the winter, and I love it.  I know that's not the norm for most people, but I can't see sleeping with just one partner at a time in some kind of weird rotation.

[VioletVelvet]

12 hours ago, major_merrick said:

Literally.  We have a huge bed.  It's very cozy and warm in the winter, and I love it.  I know that's not the norm for most people, but I can't see sleeping with just one partner at a time in some kind of weird rotation.

Ha! Awesome. And supports my earlier statement: "There are practically as many ways of being poly as there are people."  Your situation sounds cozy, and benefits I'm sure by the fact that you're bi. 

I'm personally not poly at all. The only way I can have sexual relationships with more than one person is if I don't really care deeply about any of them. As soon as I want a truly intimate, vulnerable relationship with anyone, all others cease to exist. And while I've been in a monogamous relationship with someone who was non-monogamous, I didn't like it. It ended for other reasons but I don't think I could have lived with that situation long term. 

 

[schlumpy]

On 1/23/2020 at 6:02 PM, divegrl said:

It has me thinking... maybe they have it right. With so many affairs, divorces, heartbreak and pain; maybe continuing to experience each other’s sexuality in a safe way might lead to 

Maybe they have it right for them. You get to decide if it's right for you. I wouldn't take their word for it. 

[divegrl]

On 1/24/2020 at 11:04 AM, carhill said:

OP,  did they mention any particular inclusions or exclusions... examples like mutual friends, in-laws, social circle members, work colleagues, etc. ? Also, types of relations? Sexual, emotional, etc? Since humans are capable of vastly disparate expressions of themselves, and attachments to those expressions and the objects of them, such parameters can vary widely. How do they manage that?

IMO, a relationship is defined by those in it. Might not be my cuppa personally but that's not really relevant or applicable to anothers relationship. IMO questioning boundaries in a relationship is a healthy thing; it promotes clear and honest communication, a cornerstone of intimate human relations.

Hi!

 

Thank you for your question. They organized their own get togethers among a group of, I assume, like minded friends. The other person in the partnership is always present. And if one partner wants to intimately engage with another person, they have to get the partners ok.

 

She emphasized over and over, it’s always about connectedness, growth and love.

[divegrl]

On 1/23/2020 at 10:41 PM, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

You actually need to have a lot more boundaries in an open relationship than you do a monogamous one... I know its like, oh you get to have your cake and eat it too, but that isn't necessarily the case, takes a lot of work and communication to make an open relationship sustainable.

Absolutely agree with this. 

[divegrl]

Hi!

 

Thank you all for your replies! 
 

Honestly, I am not sure how I feel. Could I watch my partner kiss someone else and not be jealous? Or even if I wasn’t jealous in the moment... would it build resentment over time?

 

This is the second couple I know that allows sex with others inside the marriage setting. Both couples started out with monogamy, but after a number of years starting inviting others in intimately.

 

Thank you for your listening and your perspectives.

[SumGuy]

Certainly not for me.  

[Cookiesandough]

I had a friend who had an open relationship with her bf and they clearly were not built for it. I’m bad for saying this but it was amusing to watch from afar.