trackdayguy Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 7 hours ago, pepperbird said: why? just because non-monogamy works for yo and your wife, that doesn't mean it's right for anyone else. WHY? Because it also doesn't work for the majority of the world's population. Would you advise someone close to you to buy a car that had a 70% failure rate, I cant believe you would, so I'm puzzled why you would and endorse a system that doesn't work. Link to post Share on other sites
trackdayguy Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 On 1/24/2020 at 4:43 AM, FMW said: If everyone is on the same page, great. But a lot, if not most, people have a problem with the one they love having sex with other people. I'm one of those people who would have a problem with it. I respect your choice, could I ask why you'd have a problem with it ? Link to post Share on other sites
trackdayguy Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 Several years ago a colleague of mine who's part of our local car club came to me, asking if he could talk to me. "I dont want to be a gossip but are you aware that your wife could be seeing someone else, I saw them at a local restaurant, they looked quite intimate. I proceeded to tell him how we lived, it was like I was talking another language. This was the cruncher for me and I think it is probably for most people. Most of his questions were centered around the same theme. "How does that make you feel" Trying to explain to him that its not about me, its about her and what she needs. I think a lot of people would understand those of us in OR more if they could get over themselves. IT NOT ABOUT YOU. Im excited when I see my partner having fun and connecting with other people, because its about her NOT me and she would say the same. Once folks can get over "your interested in someone else because your lousing interest in me" or "your looking her arse because you dont like mine" how destructive is all that? the better, because those comments are rooted in" 1. Low self esteem 2. Fear 3. Insecurity 4. Control 5. Ownership In my opinion, one has too be way more emotional whole to do either, poly or OM. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 6 hours ago, trackdayguy said: WHY? Because it also doesn't work for the majority of the world's population. Would you advise someone close to you to buy a car that had a 70% failure rate, I cant believe you would, so I'm puzzled why you would and endorse a system that doesn't work. endorse a system? all I am saying is that science has shown that there is no such thing as "all" when it comes to people and their behaviour. using your own stat, for at least 30 percent of the population, it does work, and works just fine. You may feel differently, as is your right. If you want to sleep with lots of people, great. I don't happen to have your mind set. No one is forcing you to be m monogamous. If you don't want to be, then don't be. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 4 hours ago, trackdayguy said: Several years ago a colleague of mine who's part of our local car club came to me, asking if he could talk to me. "I dont want to be a gossip but are you aware that your wife could be seeing someone else, I saw them at a local restaurant, they looked quite intimate. I proceeded to tell him how we lived, it was like I was talking another language. This was the cruncher for me and I think it is probably for most people. Most of his questions were centered around the same theme. "How does that make you feel" Trying to explain to him that its not about me, its about her and what she needs. I think a lot of people would understand those of us in OR more if they could get over themselves. IT NOT ABOUT YOU. Im excited when I see my partner having fun and connecting with other people, because its about her NOT me and she would say the same. Once folks can get over "your interested in someone else because your lousing interest in me" or "your looking her arse because you dont like mine" how destructive is all that? the better, because those comments are rooted in" 1. Low self esteem 2. Fear 3. Insecurity 4. Control 5. Ownership In my opinion, one has too be way more emotional whole to do either, poly or OM. Emotionally whole?🤣🤣 Link to post Share on other sites
trackdayguy Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 16 minutes ago, pepperbird said: Emotionally whole?🤣🤣 And the reason is because the masses can’t manage one relationship let alone 2 or more. It’s not rocket science that more emotional wholeness is required 🙏 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 @trackdayguy If it works for you it works for you. But this nonsense about insecurity and control is ridiculous. Not to mention from the other side that list you keep screaming (loudest guy in the room is usually just known for being loud) could also fit people in open relationships. Has it occurred to you that people simply aren't interested in an open relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
trackdayguy Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 19 minutes ago, DKT3 said: @trackdayguy If it works for you it works for you. But this nonsense about insecurity and control is ridiculous. Not to mention from the other side that list you keep screaming (loudest guy in the room is usually just known for being loud) could also fit people in open relationships. Has it occurred to you that people simply aren't interested in an open relationship? You clearly missed some of my opening remarks, Open Relationships are about being Open. Isn’t that what every wants a relationship based on openness and honesty. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 27 minutes ago, trackdayguy said: And the reason is because the masses can’t manage one relationship let alone 2 or more. It’s not rocket science that more emotional wholeness is required 🙏 hmmm....it cold be said that it;s actually a very immature way to live your life. Lack of impulse control and all that. The thing is it's not immaturity- it's just a case of different strokes for different folks. Really, why does it matter anyway? I am happy in my own skin. I know who and what I am and what I need in my life to be happy. Your lifestyle wouldn't work for me, and mine probably wouldn't work for you, and that's okay because we don't have to be the same.There's a huge spectrum or sexual/ relationship styles out there, from asexuals who don't date at all to asexuals who do to monogamous folks like me to those who prefer to be with more than one person, like you. Why does it matter anyway? So long as a person is honest with their partners, doesn't go behind their back and makes sure anyone they choose to be with is fully informed about their views on the subject of relationships, then who cares what they do? Why is it so important to you that others agree with you? Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 3 minutes ago, trackdayguy said: You clearly missed some of my opening remarks, Open Relationships are about being Open. Isn’t that what every wants a relationship based on openness and honesty. How about this? I won't push being monogamous on you, if you do 't try and push your relationship style on me. I would also ask that you respect others enough to be honest with them. Link to post Share on other sites
trackdayguy Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 4 minutes ago, pepperbird said: How about this? I won't push being monogamous on you, if you do 't try and push your relationship style on me. I would also ask that you respect others enough to be honest with them. I’m not attempting to push anything on anybody, just stating some fact that monogamy doesn’t work for the masses, that’s all. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 31 minutes ago, trackdayguy said: I’m not attempting to push anything on anybody, just stating some fact that monogamy doesn’t work for the masses, that’s all. again, who cares? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 51 minutes ago, trackdayguy said: You clearly missed some of my opening remarks, Open Relationships are about being Open. Isn’t that what every wants a relationship based on openness and honesty. Open relationships are just as dysfunctional as any, because dysfunctional people can only have dysfunctional relationships. The ideology behind them are openness, the reality is less than that in many. From my experience if people I've known in open relationships, it comes from them actually being unhealthy, cases where one has pressured the other into an open relationship. It's overstated that you keep saying people in monogamous relationships are only doing so because they have succumb to social constructs and/or insecure and controlling. Has it occurred to you that they simply aren't interested and are satisfied with one partner? 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 On 1/24/2020 at 1:02 AM, divegrl said: It has me thinking... maybe they have it right. With so many affairs, divorces, heartbreak and pain; maybe continuing to experience each other’s sexuality in a safe way might lead to healthier relationships? If you see it from one point of view, infidelity and jealousy are two things that can kill a relationship. An open marriage can take these two factors out of the equation so two less things that can destroy a marriage. In my personal opinion I don't consider sex to be that important. What I do find important is the connection and the communication a couple has. So if my H would tell me one day that he would like to explore sexual pleasure from another woman, I would be shocked at first but I wouldn't be completely against the thought. I find it scary and weird that people expect we can live 50 or something years sexualy desiring only one person. So I would not panic and start to search what I have done or haven't done to push him to this direction because I know it's not on me. Also I'm in the mindset that I can't spend my life worrying if my H will someday leave me. I do the best I can in our relationship, I'm satisfied with what I give to the relationship, so if one day he leaves, I won't have regrets that I did or didn't do something. I feel sorry for women who spend their marriage being jealous and wonder about their husband. If he wants to leave, he will leave whatever any woman will do to stop it. Link to post Share on other sites
trackdayguy Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 2 minutes ago, SummerDreams said: If you see it from one point of view, infidelity and jealousy are two things that can kill a relationship. An open marriage can take these two factors out of the equation so two less things that can destroy a marriage. In my personal opinion I don't consider sex to be that important. What I do find important is the connection and the communication a couple has. So if my H would tell me one day that he would like to explore sexual pleasure from another woman, I would be shocked at first but I wouldn't be completely against the thought. I find it scary and weird that people expect we can live 50 or something years sexualy desiring only one person. So I would not panic and start to search what I have done or haven't done to push him to this direction because I know it's not on me. Also I'm in the mindset that I can't spend my life worrying if my H will someday leave me. I do the best I can in our relationship, I'm satisfied with what I give to the relationship, so if one day he leaves, I won't have regrets that I did or didn't do something. I feel sorry for women who spend their marriage being jealous and wonder about their husband. If he wants to leave, he will leave whatever any woman will do to stop it. Spoken by a true champion of a women 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 (edited) 31 minutes ago, trackdayguy said: Spoken by a true champion of a women you keep insisting that people who are into open marriages are somehow more psychologically sound, I call bull. It could well be that a woman who is partnered with a man who feels the need to sleep around tolerates it. There is a HUGE gulf between tolerating it and wholeheartedly endorsing it. Again,. why do you care so much? why is it so important to you that a bunch of strangers online embrace and agree with your relationship choices? Edited February 10, 2020 by pepperbird 1 Link to post Share on other sites
trackdayguy Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 (edited) 18 minutes ago, pepperbird said: 🤣🤣 nope...spoken by someone who just happens to say something you agree with. Really ! I'm guessing this is has struck a nerve with you, I'm sorry to hear that. Couldn't help but notice you seem to be gender less on your profile. Edited February 10, 2020 by trackdayguy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 3 hours ago, trackdayguy said: Really ! I'm guessing this is has struck a nerve with you, I'm sorry to hear that. Couldn't help but notice you seem to be gender less on your profile. what bloody difference does it make what gender I am? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 12 hours ago, trackdayguy said: 1. Low self esteem 2. Fear 3. Insecurity 4. Control 5. Ownership In my opinion, one has too be way more emotional whole to do either, poly or OM. 13 hours ago, trackdayguy said: I respect your choice, could I ask why you'd have a problem with it ? I have two responses to your post trackdayguy....first, is your wife able to become pregnant? Second, if you sincerely respect any person's choice, then the second quote is a rhetorical question on your part, no? Link to post Share on other sites
trackdayguy Posted February 11, 2020 Share Posted February 11, 2020 6 hours ago, Timshel said: I have two responses to your post trackdayguy....first, is your wife able to become pregnant? Second, if you sincerely respect any person's choice, then the second quote is a rhetorical question on your part, no? No, and I see it differently Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 (edited) On 2/10/2020 at 1:27 AM, trackdayguy said: I respect your choice, could I ask why you'd have a problem with it ? You literally made a whole thread dedicated to bashing that choice though ... Protest too much, I think. People truly happy with poly lifestyle don’t feel the need dismantle monogamy or convince others it won’t work for them. They’re too busy banging Edited February 16, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 Really, if a relationship is made up of consenting adults who know what the parameters of their rleationship are and they are all okay with that, that;s their business. The problem comes when they decide to bring others into the mix. If they have kids are they unilaterally decide their rleationship is open ( i.e.- they cheat on their spouse) the problems start. I am an adoptee, and being in some support groups for those who got a different paternity/maternity result that what they expected. That's gotten to be so common, it's even got an acronym now . "NPE". I;m in them for a different reaosn, but an awful lot of them joined because they found out their father isn't really who they thought he was, or they grew up not knowing who he was for some other reaosn. These people are finding out that the man they thought was their genetic father isn't, and the damage that's caused to them is often immense. they don't see it as being enlightened, emotionally stable or anything like that. To them, it's been an incredibly painful discovery. Not everyone will have children, but if it is in the works, I really belive that a monogamous, stable two parent home is best. If the words of these now adults are accurate, it can be really traumatic to have a parent who is openly sleeping around. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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