Feel Taken Advantage of

[JPT0918]

Hi guys,

I recently went NC with an ex. Two weeks, which wasn't difficult at all for me. Recently, she broke contact, and we are trying to reestablish something. She seems happier about it than me. The problem is she is seeing someone who she claims is just a friend and nothing serious is going on. I'm not foolish enough to believe this.

I doubt the relationship will last considering their age differences. She's 39. He's 24. She admits to being in the midst of  mid life crisis. However, I believe she has feelings and it's all puppy love. While we have a deeper connection. Our relationship is more fundamentally sound.

My issues is over 2 week ago, I took her grocery shopping for some food items, which she used to cook him and another couple dinner (unknowingly to me at the time). I felt completely disrespected because the intent was to cook ourselves healthy lunches for the week. and she chose to entertain other people at my expense. 

Today,  we went to a local market to prepare a salad for each of us. I decided to buy some vegetable produce and she threw in a few items for herself. items i know she intended to prepare him dinner. I wanted to question her intentions right then and there but didn't want to come across as jealous. However, I just felt totally used.

so, do I approach this with her? set boundaries? it's difficult because she will use the your jealous card on me.

I should note she seems to be warming back up to me. Asking me to spend time with her. Wanting to spend the day together. So, i don't want to mess things up with her.

Any opinions on how to rebuild our relationship or deal with this? Is it worth bringing up or should i  just see how things develop. what should i do?

thanks

 

 

 

[mark clemson]

Your boundaries are yours to set. If buying food for some other guy is not ok with you then it's not okay with you. If she doesn't like it, she can go to him or he can buy his own lunch. It IS disrespectful.

Hard to say whether she has actual interest in restarting things with you or just  being "friends" and also sponging off you a tiny bit while she test drives a new relationship. If she wants to spend days with you perhaps she is actually leaning towards coming back. However, I wouldn't let this go on too long before insisting she drop the other guy (unless you are actually ok with an open relationship).

In a normal situation I'd say take the bull by the horns and tell her to stop, but I can see why you're tolerating a bit of this to see how it plays out. If you let it go on too long though, she'll lose respect for you I think.

[K.K.]

Why did you guys break up in the first place? I don’t see that part. 

So it’s not like you can really say anything about the new guy if y’all have been broken up but at the same time, she’s playing the ‘friends’ thing with you and eating your food with the FKboy and even telling you about him. 

Wow. Tough spot. I’m sure you do feel taken advantage of. I’m sorry.  

She’ll come back around when he’s gone. Do you want to wait around for that? And if so, why. 

[JPT0918]

Thanks for responding Mark,

Your boundaries are yours to set. If buying food for some other guy is not ok with you then it's not okay with you. If she doesn't like it, she can go to him or he can buy his own lunch. It IS disrespectful.

It is disrespectful. My problem is when I call her out on it. telling her it's not my responsibility to take care of her and the other guy should take the helm now. She then calls me jealous and acts like I'm the one who's the idiot.

Hard to say whether she has actual interest in restarting things with you or just  being "friends" and also sponging off you a tiny bit while she test drives a new relationship.

I think she's moved forward with the intent to go full on in the relationship, and I'm the back up guy now. Honestly, I believe she thinks eventually I will be the guy she settles down with. But she just wants to have her fun right now by reliving her youth.

If she wants to spend days with you perhaps she is actually leaning towards coming back. However, I wouldn't let this go on too long before insisting she drop the other guy (unless you are actually ok with an open relationship).

I sense this is being done to secure me for when things do go south with the new guy. We have alot of good history together. Something that he can't match. She doesn't want to give that up. After the puppy love phase, she will attempt to come back.

In a normal situation I'd say take the bull by the horns and tell her to stop, but I can see why you're tolerating a bit of this to see how it plays out. If you let it go on too long though, she'll lose respect for you I think

After we reconnected, I didn't want to have too much drama between us off the bat. I wanted to get a feel for everything. Determine how we can make things work. But... I lso believe she needs to really experience what it's like to lose me. And most importantly not see me as someone who supplements her ability to entertain this guy.

So, how would you approach setting boundaries with her.

[JPT0918]

38 minutes ago, K.K. said:

Why did you guys break up in the first place? I don’t see that part. 

So it’s not like you can really say anything about the new guy if y’all have been broken up but at the same time, she’s playing the ‘friends’ thing with you and eating your food with the FKboy and even telling you about him. en he’s gone. Do yo

Wow. Tough spot. I’m sure you do feel taken advantage of. I’m sorry.  

She’ll come back around when he's gone. do you want to wait around for that? And if so, why. 

hi KK,

Why did you guys break up in the first place? I don’t see that part. 

We were doing okay until she turned 39. Then her irrational fear of turning 40 kicked in. all of a sudden she had to be young and free. She hooked up with  24 year old and the rest is history. for the last 3-4 months, she's been juggling the 2 of us. After we went on a preplanned trip, she spent time with him. at that time I decided no more and walked away.

Wow. Tough spot. I’m sure you do feel taken advantage of. I’m sorry.

You are spot on about being taken advantage of. That is my dilemma. She doesn't respect my boundaries. And when I call her out on it. She calls me jealous and what she's doing is not as bad as it seems. Just two friends hanging out. My motivation to leave the relationship is accelerated when I examine what she has given me. which isn't much.

 

She’ll come back around when he’s gone. Do you want to wait around for that? And if so, why. 

Her returning, I completely agree with this. We do have good times together. She's very good at compartmentalizing everything. where when she's with me, she's with me in every aspect. So, it can be very confusing. But also, unhealthy. Through our recent contact I thought, I could handle it but evidently I cant. I was trying create some distance between the two of us. A barrier so, I don't get caught in the chase or love triangle. I think it was premature to communicate with her.

Edited January 24, 2020 by JPT0918

[K.K.]

You really love her, don’t you? 

 

Ya know, it’s so easy to think that we wouldn’t get ourselves in this situation. “I wouldn’t put up with that s*** for a minute! The door would be hitting her in the ass before she even knew what happened!”

 

But I guess when you genuinely maybe even unconditionally love someone, any of us might be inclined to put up with a lot of things that we didn’t think we would. 

 

She is sowing her oats and treating you terribly and you are still loving her. Her soft place to fall. 

 

I imagine that it will play out on its own. She will keep pushing and you will keep loving until your heart breaks too much to continue. I hope she knows how lucky she is. And I hope for your sake, that she straightens up before you reach the point of having nothing else to give. 

I feel for ya, man. 

[salparadise]

4 hours ago, JPT0918 said:

It is disrespectful. My problem is when I call her out on it. telling her it's not my responsibility to take care of her and the other guy should take the helm now. She then calls me jealous and acts like I'm the one who's the idiot.

Why are you buying her damn groceries in the first place? See, the problem is that you have zero boundaries, she knows it and is taking full advantage. Why do you put up with it––doesn't it make you feel like a POS to enable this treatment? The way to set boundaries in this situation is to disappear completely and find someone who treats you with respect.

[JPT0918]

Sal,

It wasn't my intent to buy her groceries the second time around. We weren't there for groceries. However, since I needed a few items she took advantage of the situation. She asked if she could get one item, then proceeded to add 5 other things. I gave in primarily to conditioning based on the belief she is barely scraping by and I had to save her in some way. But this a game of manipulation to her. thus the reason for my original post. I fell for it and I'm angry at myself.

Since we work in the same office together, I was trying to real hard to reestablish boundaries with her. obviously it didn't work this time. I'm just trying to figure how to do so without inflaming everything. I don't know if that's even possible.

[JPT0918]

4 hours ago, K.K. said:

You really love her, don’t you? 

 

Ya know, it’s so easy to think that we wouldn’t get ourselves in this situation. “I wouldn’t put up with that s*** for a minute! The door would be hitting her in the ass before she even knew what happened!”

 

But I guess when you genuinely maybe even unconditionally love someone, any of us might be inclined to put up with a lot of things that we didn’t think we would. 

 

She is sowing her oats and treating you terribly and you are still loving her. Her soft place to fall. 

 

I imagine that it will play out on its own. She will keep pushing and you will keep loving until your heart breaks too much to continue. I hope she knows how lucky she is. And I hope for your sake, that she straightens up before you reach the point of having nothing else to give. 

I feel for ya, man. 

Ya know, it’s so easy to think that we wouldn’t get ourselves in this situation. “I wouldn’t put up with that s*** for a minute! The door would be hitting her in the ass before she even knew what happened!”

easier said than done. It sneaks up on you. I mean she got her hooks in me. Made me feel bad for her. I can understand why most people wouldn't stand for it. But we had been together long enough to really cement the relationship. So, the emotional connection is hard to break.

I imagine that it will play out on its own. She will keep pushing and you will keep loving until your heart breaks too much to continue. I hope she knows how lucky she is. And I hope for your sake, that she straightens up before you reach the point of having nothing else to give. 

Yes it will play out to her eventually losing me. And one day, she will come onto this board to tell a story of how i was the one that go away.

[JTSW]

She is 100% taking advantage of you.

Tell her you are no longer doing this and learn not to care if she accuses you of being jealous.

Who cares what she says.

She is just using you. She's highly manipulative.

Walk away now. 

Edited January 24, 2020 by JTSW

[elaine567]

Friends and coworkers for years, she left her husband in July and she formed a "no label" relationship with you, spending a lot of time and weekends together.
Then she wanted space and independence.
The new boyfriend enters the picture.
Now she wants you  to stick around as her friend.

Newly separated people often don't know their own mind and they often make dreadful partners until they sort themselves out, and yes this new relationship of hers may not work out but I have a feeling you will be wasting your time if you hang around waiting for her. 
Truth is, is is very nice to have a guy who is besotted with her as a friend. It strokes her ego and it is  very comforting to know someone has her back.
BUT I doubt she wants you as a romantic partner so stop the grocery buying and ask her to pay her own way if she tries that again.
She is someone else's gf, she needs to ask him for help if she needs it. 
Start looking for a new woman to spend your time with.

Edited January 24, 2020 by elaine567

[Ellener]

9 hours ago, JPT0918 said:

do I approach this with her? set boundaries? it's difficult because she will use the your jealous card on me.

It's an old English joke @JPT0918 What would you do if a bird crapped on your car? Finish with her.

You deserve somebody better.

 

[Grathblagg]

Very poor form, mate. Respect yourself. While it is noble to provide for widows and orphans, it is not for ex's and their lovers. 

Picture them laughing and carrying on over the dinner that you've provided, and then retiring to the bedchamber for an after dinner treat. I doubt that they're toasting you for the wonderful meal. I suppose that they could invite you over for leftovers. Would that suit you?

If you do not respect yourself, how can you expect respect from anyone else? 

[2BGoodAgain]

friendship with a guy who is like way younger than she is, and she's making him food???  that's NOT a relationship you should be comfortable with and is beyond friendship.

you've said it yourself, you feel taken advantage of... and honestly, it's YOU who is letting yourself being taken advantaged of. There's an old saying... "you teach others how to treat you.."

Ask yourself:

1) what kind of relationship do you want. Make a list.

2) what in the relationship CAN you compromise on, and what CAN'T you compromise on, based on what you know about her n you?

3) is this the type of relationship you want?

 

 

[stillafool]

She isn't going to give up banging a hot 24 year old until he sets her free, which he will sooner or later.  She knows you are waiting in the wings and she will keep you there until her options run out.  She is using you at this point whether she means to or not.  She sees you as weak for her.  Women do not respect weakness in a man.  Show her you are a strong man who will not be her second option.  Start dating another woman and tell this one to go kick rocks.

[preraph]

So have you had sex again after the breakup?  If not, to me this just sounds like she's happy to keep you around as a friend only.  You can't control what she does and you're broken up, so you certainly can't tell her who to entertain and cook for.  If you are having sex with her, you can only control yourself and stop that until and unless you're exclusive, but if you're not, it's only a matter of if you want to be her friend, because she is definitely going on about her life and probably not going to go backwards.  

[CAPITAL CROOK]

This is disgraceful bro... Drop this chick like a bad habit and do not look back... If she is having a dinner date between her friends and this guy, then yeah, they are definitely a couple dude... Like, again, how can you let yourself be disrespected like this?

The thing about boundaries and limits, is that they NEED. Keyword, NEED... To be set, before any abuses take place. Once abuses have taken place, the effectiveness of limits and boundaries are almost non-existent... This is why going NC with an ex is so important, because when you are engaged in situations like this, she is going to try to make you feel petty for setting these types of limits and boundaries... The limit and boundary that you should of enforced is NC.

Again, I hate to be this guy, but she is clearly very comfortable abusing your trust and you seem to be comfortable being a doormat. Go NC... The fact that she could only entertain 2 weeks of NC, says to me that you are somebody who she needs in her life, yet she treats you like a doormat... What kind of person does that; the type of person who does not have their own best interests in mind, nevermind yours.

Drop this broad like a bad habit and don't ever look back. This is done. Move on. Date her friends if you have to, but move on. Now. Do not hang around and see what happens... You spoke of puppy love, the only person who sounds like they are in puppy love is you bro, your on this cuck nonsense buying her date food and crap, its a disgrace bro, just go NC permanently and if she asks why, you tell her why and don't be afraid to give her both barrels, again, this is done, you have no amount of damage control left to do.

Sorry to rag on you like this man, but sometimes you need to hear these things for your own benefit. I wish you the best of luck man, you sound like you got a good head on your shoulders and I am sure moving on is going to be the best for you.

[The Outlaw]

It really doesn't matter at this point in time if or how she labels you, but you need to stand your ground, or this will continue. She can use her own money. It isn't your job to buy things for her when she's seeing someone else. And if she wants to walk away, let her go.  

[JPT0918]

16 hours ago, JTSW said:

She is 100% taking advantage of you.

Tell her you are no longer doing this and learn not to care if she accuses you of being jealous.

Who cares what she says.

She is just using you. She's highly manipulative.

Walk away now. 

I so agree with you on this. and am realizing once again that it is time to move on. I think back on this past week when we re-established contact, and it was all about what I can provide for her. whether it was having lunch, unintentionally buying her groceries or assisting her with work related issues. I don't thin it' fair to me to be t her beck and call and nothing is reciprocated. fortunately today she did not come in to the office and won't be in until Tuesday next week. This will allow me to become once again entrenched in no contact mode.

[JPT0918]

15 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Friends and coworkers for years, she left her husband in July and she formed a "no label" relationship with you, spending a lot of time and weekends together.
Then she wanted space and independence.
The new boyfriend enters the picture.
Now she wants you  to stick around as her friend.

Newly separated people often don't know their own mind and they often make dreadful partners until they sort themselves out, and yes this new relationship of hers may not work out but I have a feeling you will be wasting your time if you hang around waiting for her. 
Truth is, is is very nice to have a guy who is besotted with her as a friend. It strokes her ego and it is  very comforting to know someone has her back.
BUT I doubt she wants you as a romantic partner so stop the grocery buying and ask her to pay her own way if she tries that again.
She is someone else's gf, she needs to ask him for help if she needs it. 
Start looking for a new woman to spend your time with.

Actually, her husband left her early 2019. Finally filing for divorce in July 2019. I should note when he left her she immediately went on a dating site to seek someone to replace him. I agree i stroke her ego and am a good shoulder to cry on. recently she told me she felt most safe with me. I misinterpreted her words and the rest is history. 

The buying of the groceries, was very unintentional. I wasn't real happy about it. Lesson learned. I should add, i did mention to her that she is his responsibility and I shouldn't be supporting her. She became extremely upset. I found it amusing.

[JPT0918]

14 hours ago, 2BGoodAgain said:

friendship with a guy who is like way younger than she is, and she's making him food???  that's NOT a relationship you should be comfortable with and is beyond friendship.

you've said it yourself, you feel taken advantage of... and honestly, it's YOU who is letting yourself being taken advantaged of. There's an old saying... "you teach others how to treat you.."

Ask yourself:

1) what kind of relationship do you want. Make a list.

2) what in the relationship CAN you compromise on, and what CAN'T you compromise on, based on what you know about her n you?

3) is this the type of relationship you want?

 

 

to nswer your questions

1. I want a relationship that I don't feel overwhelmed by. Where I want to see her. And not have to be defensive about.

2. I refuse to be disrespected. I know this isn't easy due to some issues i need to work on.  But at least I'm dealing with it.

3. This most definitely isn't what I want long term. I'm right now trying to determine if we canhave any kind of relationship. that's the dilemma.

Edited January 25, 2020 by JPT0918

[JPT0918]

12 hours ago, stillafool said:

She isn't going to give up banging a hot 24 year old until he sets her free, which he will sooner or later.  She knows you are waiting in the wings and she will keep you there until her options run out.  She is using you at this point whether she means to or not.  She sees you as weak for her.  Women do not respect weakness in a man.  Show her you are a strong man who will not be her second option.  Start dating another woman and tell this one to go kick rocks.

I see your point. Personally, I want to make her regret leaving me for a short term fling. Be the one that got away. But i think I've invested enough in her already and the results have been weak.

[JPT0918]

11 hours ago, preraph said:

So have you had sex again after the breakup?  If not, to me this just sounds like she's happy to keep you around as a friend only.  You can't control what she does and you're broken up, so you certainly can't tell her who to entertain and cook for.  If you are having sex with her, you can only control yourself and stop that until and unless you're exclusive, but if you're not, it's only a matter of if you want to be her friend, because she is definitely going on about her life and probably not going to go backwards.  

No we haven't. She's basically kept our interactions limited to work. Lunch and walking beaks. I think she's decided to pursue the other guy until she gets bored with him or he can't live up to her expectations.

[JPT0918]

8 hours ago, CAPITAL CROOK said:

This is disgraceful bro... Drop this chick like a bad habit and do not look back... If she is having a dinner date between her friends and this guy, then yeah, they are definitely a couple dude... Like, again, how can you let yourself be disrespected like this?

The thing about boundaries and limits, is that they NEED. Keyword, NEED... To be set, before any abuses take place. Once abuses have taken place, the effectiveness of limits and boundaries are almost non-existent... This is why going NC with an ex is so important, because when you are engaged in situations like this, she is going to try to make you feel petty for setting these types of limits and boundaries... The limit and boundary that you should of enforced is NC.

Again, I hate to be this guy, but she is clearly very comfortable abusing your trust and you seem to be comfortable being a doormat. Go NC... The fact that she could only entertain 2 weeks of NC, says to me that you are somebody who she needs in her life, yet she treats you like a doormat... What kind of person does that; the type of person who does not have their own best interests in mind, nevermind yours.

Drop this broad like a bad habit and don't ever look back. This is done. Move on. Date her friends if you have to, but move on. Now. Do not hang around and see what happens... You spoke of puppy love, the only person who sounds like they are in puppy love is you bro, your on this cuck nonsense buying her date food and crap, its a disgrace bro, just go NC permanently and if she asks why, you tell her why and don't be afraid to give her both barrels, again, this is done, you have no amount of damage control left to do.

Sorry to rag on you like this man, but sometimes you need to hear these things for your own benefit. I wish you the best of luck man, you sound like you got a good head on your shoulders and I am sure moving on is going to be the best for you.

Boundaries are critical. It's very difficult to establish new ones because patterns have developed in our interactions. I realize this and will take the steps to change things. I intend to go very limited contact on her. Just to regain some self respect. 

Her contacting me after the two weeks does  show needs me for something. The patterns of her sucking me back in seem to be in play. I've notice she mentally checks things off as we play this what an he do for me game.  Need someone to cover lunch - check, Need someone to sit and explain something work related - check.this is getting old and it's something I tire of.

I like your approach to no contact.

[JPT0918]

7 hours ago, The Outlaw said:

It really doesn't matter at this point in time if or how she labels you, but you need to stand your ground, or this will continue. She can use her own money. It isn't your job to buy things for her when she's seeing someone else. And if she wants to walk away, let her go.  

One question.. Everybody here advocates going no contact. Based on what you've said, it seems there is room where we can exist together or am i wrong?