Am I being rude if I do not drive my boyfriend to work?

[tigerlily65748]

Hello. I am having a predicament with my boyfriend of 3 years. My boyfriend stores his vehicle every winter, and for the past few months our work schedules were aligned enough that I could drop him off with my car at his work in the mornings and pick him up after work as this was on my route to my own work, and our hours aligned in a way that this wasn’t a pain. 

Recently my hours at work have changed and I work 2 shifts where I start either 1 hour or 2 hours later in the morning. My boyfriend still expects that I would wake up and drive him to work on my way to work. The problem with this is that if I drop him off and continue to work, I am ending up at work 40+ minutes early. On my other shift if I drove him to work and continued to my work I would end up being almost 2 hours early. So in that case it would only make sense for me to drive him to work then drive back home and then wait 45 minutes before leaving for work myself. I find that to be a big pain and a waste of gas and wear on my vehicle. 

I feel like I am being rude by making him take the bus in the morning as he has to spend money for bus tickets and go wait for the bus about an hour before his work shift starts  But if I were to get up earlier to drive him then I am the one wasting an hour (or more) of my morning 

 

I guess my question is am I being rude by not helping him out and still driving him in the morning so that he can save 30 minutes of sleep but at the same time sacrificing my own sleep or time or gas just so he doesn’t have to take the bus?

 

 

[preraph]

No. Just tell him it's eating up too much of your day and he needs to get his own self to work. If you don't want to get his car out of storage he can take Uber.

[mark clemson]

I agree with preraph, it's great that you did this for him, but it's his own responsibility and you have every right to say no if it's too much. Good excuse to test moving in together IF you guys are near that stage already.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Good grief! The guy's got a car! What's the point in having one if you depend on everyone else for rides? This seems odd to me.

[Daisydooks]

1 hour ago, tigerlily65748 said:

I feel like I am being rude by making him take the bus in the morning 

I think he should feel a bit rude for asking this of you, even if he didn't have a car. 

Just tell him flat out, "take your car out of storage, and drive, or take a bus. What would you do if I wasnt here? I'm not driving you to work when you have the means to get there yourself, turning around and going home for 45 minutes, and then leaving for my own shift. It makes zero sense and its absurd you're even asking this of me. You have a vehicle. You're an adult." 

What about the money you're out for wear and tear and gas? Nah. I wouldnt be down for this arrangement unless out schedules aligned again. I hope the do but for now, he needs to figure out his own way to work. 

Edited January 25, 2020 by Daisydooks

[Springsummer]

Hello No.

Even a parent will not do such for a grown child.

except if he had done such extraordinary thing for you in the past. then you should reciprocate. otherwise, I think he is too selfish to even ask you this.

or maybe he pays for your rent or something? if you owe him nothing, then no.

Edited January 25, 2020 by Springsummer

[thefooloftheyear]

3 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

Good grief! The guy's got a car! What's the point in having one if you depend on everyone else for rides? This seems odd to me.

Depending on where he lives and what he drives, some cars are impractical in bad/winter weather and/or will suffer harsh consequences of the winter season(road salt, snow/ice, etc)…

I do the same thing, the only difference is I also have a "beater car" that I use for the winter...Its older and run down a bit, but perfect for my situation.. I save ,my nicer stuff for when the weather is better and there is no ice or salt on the roads.. I keep minimal insurance on it and don't give a crap really what happens to it..Also saves mileage and other general wear and tear..

OP...Tell him its fine that he wants to save his car from the abuse, but then he should have some other plan so he's not inconveniencing you...Tell him to uber or get a cheap beater car for the winter...Its even handy in the nice weather if you want to move  something or do something that involves getting the car muddy, etc...Its also handy if your or his car is in the shop and you need to borrow it...

TFY

[LivingWaterPlease]

That occurred to me, TFY, but then I thought, "So her car gets battered by winter and his stays pristine?" I get that a very expensive car may need more protection and care, but if one can afford that type of car, then, like you, why not have a beater car? Possibly he's trying to have a lifestyle he can't afford and expects his gf to take up the slack for him? Idk. 

[Foxhall]

You could still drive him when you are one hour later scheduled and get yourself a nice breakfast before work

otherwise tell him to get the bus.

an extra snooze is good too, you would be foolish to let him deprive you of that.

[tigerlily65748]

Thank you all for the replies.

 

Some info; he has an older mustang that has never seen winter so he stores it. I have suggested that we get a winter beater for him but he shot that idea down. He is in a good financial position to be able to do that but he did not like the idea.

I should add that I do have some built up resentment over the years and he is not really the most helpful when it comes to the housework, or taking care of our dog, etc. I am usually quick to bend over for people and help in any way but that is one of my flaws and I sometimes do not put my foot down when I really should. I am putting my foot down in this case. 

 

He did say that he would do it if the roles were reversed and he seemed upset this week that I wasn’t driving him. He is NOT a morning person and I just find it hard to believe that he would be super eager to get up at 6am to drive me to work when he doesn’t work until 9am that day. All I found from that comment was that it made me feel guilty. 

[Blind-Sided]

@tigerlily65748 First... stop feeling guilty.  Second... he's a big boy who feels he needs a "Nice Weather" car in a winter state.  Since he made that choice, then the prerequisite would be that he needs a second car.  PERIOD !!!!!!!  It's irrelevant that he "Thinks" that he has a car of value because the reality is... if it's his daily ride during the nice months... then there is still wear, and in a few more years, it's going to show it.  Even if it's a special addition mustang (Cobra, Shelby, Seleen, SVT, so on) those cars will only be worth something if they are like new, and low miles. So... he is just fooling himself about needing to store it for winter.  

OK... I make great money.  I have a bunch of toys (Boat, motorcycles, so on) and I would love to buy a Corvette.  By itself... it wouldn't even be an issue, I could make the payment on a $65k car.  But they SUCK in the snow.  So the reality is... I need a 4wd truck. (tow my toys, and be safe in the winter)  What's my point here???? there are a lot of us who would live a nice weather car, but it's just not a reality of life.

That last point is... since you are just BF/GF.... I'm assuming that you don't have fully mixed finances.  So the questions others have already said come to mind.  Is he paying for the tires, oil changes, fuel and other maintenance for your car?  Also... since he doesn't have a car in the bad months... what does he do for just a normal daily ride? What if he just needs to run to the store, or help a buddy?  Does he use your car to run his errands? So, is it going farther than just a ride to work?

With that said... your BF needs to pull his head out of his butt, and learn that life doesn't revolve around him, and he needs to be self sufficient.  He either makes enough $$$ to have 2 cars or he doesn't.  Not to mention... since you are not married... it's just one more thing to consider before getting married.  Is he going to take your money to make the second car happen?   Is he going to buy other toys and be selfish in the way he excepts them to be used?   I don't like to see anyone break up... but finances and unrealistic expectations are big reasons to not continue a relationship. (sorry)

[Blind-Sided]

1 hour ago, tigerlily65748 said:

......................................He did say that he would do it if the roles were reversed ........

LOL !!!!!!!!  BS!

Sorry... but just reading that last post from you... I don't think he would.  THat's just based on the fact that you said that he's not really helping around the house. AND, he's getting mad that you won't do it.  If he REALY would if the situation was the other way around, then he wouldn't have an issue with getting a second vehicle. And since you are on the side of getting a second vehicle for him... then why wouldn't he want a winter beater?  Because he's selfish, and wants to be taken care of... and doesn't want to spend "HIS" money on something he has gotten for free for the past few years.

Now.... tell him you put a deposit down on a new C8 corvette coming out later this year, and you need him to get a winter car so you can ALSO leave your new car in storage during the winter. Then see how he reacts.  

[thefooloftheyear]

BTW, folks....This idea of a "winter beater" isn't so far fetched...

Around here, they so aggressively salt and spray the roads for a solid 5 months out of the year(moreso if needed)….Its not uncommon now to see cars even a few years old really starting to look shabby with some rust formation...I know...some people don't give a crap and just drive their new car til the wheels fall off and buy another one...Others aren't so inclined...I own a truck I bought new almost 20 years ago that looks like its a year old...

There are literally thousands of vehicles that can be purchased for 1-2K that will function fine for this type of duty...Yeah, you may have to put a few bucks into it now and then, but that's pretty true of anything you drive...The basic liability insurance on it is probably less than 400/yr..

And a winter beater is always great to have around...Need to take a flight out and want to leave a car at the airport and not worry? Take the beater...Need to pick up some building materials or landscape supplies? Have a pet and want to take him to the muddy dog park?   Perfect...ive done this my whole life and as a result my "nice" cars always look and drive better than anyone else's....

I guess I don't understand why he wouldn't do it....I have a lot of friends with nice cars/trucks and we all do it...Something seems off about this situation...

TFY

 

[Springsummer]

28 minutes ago, thefooloftheyear said:

BTW, folks....This idea of a "winter beater" isn't so far fetched...

Around here, they so aggressively salt and spray the roads for a solid 5 months out of the year(moreso if needed)….Its not uncommon now to see cars even a few years old really starting to look shabby with some rust formation...I know...some people don't give a crap and just drive their new car til the wheels fall off and buy another one...Others aren't so inclined...I own a truck I bought new almost 20 years ago that looks like its a year old...

 

Seriously? I live one of coldest capitals in the world, so can't get more salty and wintery here.

but I don't notice any rust in my 4 years old car. and I didn't even wash it once last year. I just let the rain did the job. 

[d0nnivain]

16 hours ago, tigerlily65748 said:

My boyfriend stores his vehicle every winter

What did he do before he was dating you & you drove him? He owns an impractical car (I have one) & now needs to take a bus.  That is his choice.  I understand that his classic mustang needs to be babied but that is not your problem. 

When it was easy for you, you accommodated him but now that it's a p.i.t.a. you are under no obligations.  Especially if he's not paying for gas,  you are not obligated to chauffer him around.  The days when you would be 40 minutes early . . . maybe you can take him & get breakfast or run some other errand if that is possible. . 

When my sports car can't come out due to winter weather, I get up early & drive my husband to the train station down the block from my office.  I get in 1.5 hours early & stay 2.5 hours late to drive him.  I'm OK with that because I get a lot done when nobody else is around.  If I didn't get a benefit from the extra time there is no way I'd drive him around & he's my husband not just my BF. Then again, if we hadn't agreed to this before hand I would not own the impractical sports car.  Some days though I have to be elsewhere at night so he takes an Uber home from the train station.  We knew this would happen when we bought the impractical car but we don't have enough driveway / garage space to own 3 cars.  It's the price we pay for the sports car but we made the choice together.  I would not be happy having this shoved down my throat by a guy who's too selfish to solve his own problem  by getting a beater winter car.  

[elaine567]

2 hours ago, thefooloftheyear said:

Around here, they so aggressively salt and spray the roads for a solid 5 months out of the year(moreso if needed)…

5 solid months????

of ice and snow?
 

[thefooloftheyear]

1 minute ago, elaine567 said:

5 solid months????

of ice and snow?
 

Yep...

Pretty much from early Nov through early April there is always some degree of salt or brine on the roads...Sometime you get lucky and it rains and washes it away, but you cant really escape it..

I think they over use it...Especially the spray treatment.,...They are always laying that crap down...They'll tell you they are concerned with the safety of the citizens, but I think its a racket....They probably HAVE to use a set amount to justify the expenditure and the benefit on the other end is that it tears the hell out of the asphalt which creates even more work in the summer months, to fix all the damage from the winter..

But anyway, yeah....If you want to have a nice car or truck that isn't rusted to shyt in 5 years, you cant use them during these months, and even if you don't notice the body panels rusting the entire undercarriage is a disaster of corroded metal..

TFY

[bachdude]

34 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

5 solid months????

of ice and snow?
 

You don't live up north, do you? Haha

Winter where I live started in early November and will last into April.

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, bachdude said:

You don't live up north, do you? Haha

I'm in the UK, if you live in the US I am a lot further north than you.
The good old Gulf Stream keeps us warm..

[preraph]

You sound more like his mom.  He takes advantage of you to do everything for him.  Probably time to reassess the relationship.  

 

My friend had a husband who wouldn't contribute to the car expenses because it wasn't "his," but she was always driving him 20 miles to work, wouldn't chip in on insurance because he "didn't want a car."
  And the final straw, wouldn't pay his share in federal taxes because she made more money.  D-I-V-O-R-C-E.  He wasn't an evil guy.  He just never grew up and was a classic Austin slacker. 

[Daisydooks]

14 hours ago, thefooloftheyear said:

Depending on where he lives and what he drives, some cars are impractical in bad/winter weather and/or will suffer harsh consequences of the winter season(road salt, snow/ice, etc)…

I do the same thing, the only difference is I also have a "beater car" that I use for the winter...Its older and run down a bit, but perfect for my situation.. I save ,my nicer stuff for when the weather is better and there is no ice or salt on the roads.. I keep minimal insurance on it and don't give a crap really what happens to it..Also saves mileage and other general wear and tear..

OP...Tell him its fine that he wants to save his car from the abuse, but then he should have some other plan so he's not inconveniencing you...Tell him to uber or get a cheap beater car for the winter...Its even handy in the nice weather if you want to move  something or do something that involves getting the car muddy, etc...Its also handy if your or his car is in the shop and you need to borrow it...

TFY

I think in his mind his girlfriend drives the beater car he is entitled to be driven around in LOL

[bachdude]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

I'm in the UK, if you live in the US I am a lot further north than you.
The good old Gulf Stream keeps us warm..

Yes, in the US. LONG winters are the norm here. 
 

[bachdude]

OP, I think it's too much for him to expect you to drive him to work and pick him up everyday - unless, that is, he is paying your car payment or something similar.  Otherwise, no...he is expecting too much.

[preraph]

She needs to either get him to do his part in general and start being a mature man or find another.  

[Ruby Slippers]

This boundary you've set is perfectly reasonable. I can't imagine being with a guy who'd try to guilt trip me over this, when he could afford a beater car to easily solve the problem. Seems so loser-ish. He's an adult and can take care of his own transportation. It seems like a major turnoff that he's trying to pin this on you as if he's a child and you're his mommy.