I don't know what is going through my boyfriends head and it's driving me crazy

[Lindaynovak21]

My bf and have been dating for over a year now. 
I met him through a friend and I was instantly attracted to him. I didn’t check if he had a gf and I can admit I didn’t care. Once we started talking I found out that he may have been involved with a girl but he was pursuing me. I was into him and couldn’t help myself.  I found out that he DID have a gf. And basically he and I got together much to her dismay. I’m not heartless, I felt bad because I know she was hurt. But he told me they were fighting a lot and on the verge of breaking up. His main reason was that his mother hates her and it made it very difficult to see her because he is family oriented and he couldn’t bring her to any events. Which caused them to argue a lot. They all talked about how toxic and crazy she was. One of his friends  said they had a “animalistic connection” and that he’s never seen anything like it. But they DID say “those two, they don’t need to be together it’s so toxic it gets bad”. That made me feel not so bad because if they’re not meant to be then they’re just not. 

As months went on, he seemed happy with me. No mention of her at all. 
Recently I found out that he made up some lame excuse to message her on Facebook asking if she accidentally sent him a request and cancel it. At first she was kinda formal and cold but said no. Then she messaged him back days later asking WHY he asked her that. He said “I got something random and assumed it was you but you can add me if you want idc”  obviously he WANTED her to add him. So then she says that she’s had a lot of time to think and looking back, their relationship was toxic and she’s sorry for her part but it was BOTH of them. He says that he hasn’t seen her in awhile. She said that she doesn’t have a problem talking to him but her family can’t know she even talks to him because they now don’t like him. And HE says that she got jealous about time and attention and he doesn’t want her to be that way anymore. She says something like she isn’t the person she was before and she’s not sitting around waiting for him.  He kept attempting to meet her but she kept saying she was at school. And they had no where to meet because they both live with their families. So I guess it’s not like they could ever stay together. Sadly this was comforting for me. A few days later she Messaged him “did you get in trouble? I’m sorry if I had known, I wouldn’t have come” and he said “no it’s all good”  she said “nice to see you” and he said “same here” that’s formal right? But wait he SAW HER!!!!!

I confronted him about this and he said they’re just friendly and she visited him during his lunch break.  That he doesn’t like me snooping and overreacting. This is the girl you left for me. Shouldn’t being her friend be automatically disrespecting me?  I knew something was up, he now seems sad.... like depressed. This is because he seen her?  What is this guilt? If he wants to be with her, why not just be with her? Because of their families? They don’t message like all day but I did see a message from her yesterday asking if he could help her with something and she said “if you can’t because it’s me, I understand” and he said “yea I can”   And she said “Thank you! ill give you money!” And he said “ok” that infuriated me so bad! Why would he say yes!  But it is comforting knowing that if she’s paying, then maybe they’re not romantic..... am I wrong?  
They’re now friends on Snapchat! Idk what they talk about but they both seemed to agree that they’re families can’t know. But what about me? What’s stopping him from just being with her? Because it’s EASIER to be with me?  I asked him all of this and he just said that she’s his friend and that they barely talk and It’s no big deal. But if your mom hates her and her family hates him? Is it worth the risk ? Why risk being friends with someone that you feel forbidden to see!? Why do they WANT to talk to eachother? And if he can’t stand her like he said, why did he tell her it was also nice to see her.   And why is he so sad now?  Am I overreacting? I mean they don’t talk everyday. If they wanted to date wouldn’t they be doing that? And also after being with me for over a year.... why does he even remember her? Like I said my MAIN comfort is that they do not consistently message or talk as if they WANT to be a couple. But I still don’t like this. Why does he seem so sad? 

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, Lindaynovak21 said:

Why does he seem so sad?

He realises he made a mistake is my guess.
The situation I think was getting impossible with her and his family.
He grabbed onto you, as you were more "acceptable" and it was easier, he didn't have to put up with the arguing any longer.

BUT he missed her, so got in touch. Now the heat is off they can now talk and communicate.
I am afraid it is bad news for you.

The time to leave was when you found out he DID have a gf... guys who monkey branch from one to another are not usually good news.
Now it is 10x worse for you as you  are in deep...
He left her for you, now he is in danger of leaving you for her, I am afraid....

[ExpatInItaly]

They miss each other and are likely going to wind up trying again. Even if they don't, you have just discovered he is not committed to you. That is what will ultimately cause the demise of your relationship, because trust me, this guy is not going to stick around. 

This is what happens when you choose to hook up with a guy who cheats on his girlfriend with you. He is not boyfriend material and you're learning that the hard way. 

[Lindaynovak21]

20 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

He realises he made a mistake is my guess.
Now the heat is off they can now talk and communicate.
I am afraid it is bad news for you.

 

then why doesn’t he talk to her all day everyday? Like a couple would? That’s what comforts me is that they do not talk that often.

 

 

[Lindaynovak21]

@elaine567 sorry I quoted you above but idk how to navigate here really! I was asking if he misses her so much, why isn’t he with her? Why don’t they talk consistently like everyday? Sadly that kept me feeling confident 

Edited January 25, 2020 by Lindaynovak21

[ExpatInItaly]

25 minutes ago, Lindaynovak21 said:

@elaine567 sorry I quoted you above but idk how to navigate here really! I was asking if he misses her so much, why isn’t he with her? Why don’t they talk consistently like everyday? Sadly that kept me feeling confident 

If that is what's keeping you confident, you need to realize you're in a pretty crappy relationship. 

[elaine567]

Yes, @ExpatInItaly is correct.
There is little about this situation that you should feel confident about.

[Lindaynovak21]

I get it’s not a great deal however, I do think the fact that they don’t talk much SHOULD be comforting ? Is it not?

[ExpatInItaly]

6 minutes ago, Lindaynovak21 said:

I get it’s not a great deal however, I do think the fact that they don’t talk much SHOULD be comforting ? Is it not?

In light of everything else you described? No, not really. 

[smackie9]

Rule of thumb if he cheated on her he is going to do the same thing to you-Dr. Phil

[preraph]

He's ready to get back with her. Of course he would have preferred if he could have you both at the same time. He initiated the contact and kept it up until he got her to see him. He cheated on you.

[FMW]

It makes you feel bad and insecure for a reason.  Your instincts are telling you they aren't finished yet.  Not communicating every day, all day, doesn't mean they don't have feelings that they are tempted to act on - they just aren't doing it - yet.  

I know you feel they weren't meant to be and so you don't feel too bad about him starting something with you when he was still with her.  But what he should have done is break up with her BEFORE he pursued anything with you.  But he couldn't find it in himself to do that apparently.  So he waited until he had someone else (you) to help ease his conflicted feelings (the whole "monkey branching" thing).  

They clearly still have unresolved issues/feelings for each other.  Don't hang around for him to sneak around with her and then leave you behind, the way your own relationship began.  

[elaine567]

2 minutes ago, preraph said:

He initiated the contact and kept it up until he got her to see him.

^^^That is the bit that is most worrying for you.
She is not some lovesick ex blowing up his phone and he has since had to block her as he only  wants you.
NO
HE went out looking for her and she is not averse to him sticking around, in fact she is encouraging it.
You are now the gooseberry, snooping in on their burgeoning reconciliation.

[d0nnivain]

This is an example of the old adage:  if they cheat with you, they will cheat on you. 

Sorry but he gets off on the juggling act.  

[Lindaynovak21]

1 hour ago, preraph said:

He initiated the contact and kept it up until he got her to see him. 

So are you saying that he probably won’t see her again ? That’s confusing 

[preraph]

Not at ALL.  I'm saying he is trying to get back together with her and she is interested and the only thing stopping them is parents, which never stopped anyone.  

 

He's cheating on you, which is what he also did to her.  

Edited January 25, 2020 by preraph

[Lindaynovak21]

It’s kind of weird how no one thinks the fact that they don’t consistently talk means anything though. Let me guess? They’re “taking it slow”?

[ExpatInItaly]

It's not weird that nobody here thinks that them not speaking all the time is something positive, given the bigger context; what's weird is that you do. You are looking for excuses to stay, OP, and in doing so, you're grasping at straws and searching desperately for anything to hold on to.  

He's not a good guy. You're unfortunately getting a taste of your own medicine and learning what it's like to be the betrayed party. This relationship isn't going to last. 

Edited January 25, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[Lindaynovak21]

19 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It's not weird that nobody here thinks that them not speaking all the time is something positive.

 

You're unfortunately getting a taste of your own medicine and learning what it's like to be the betrayed party. This relationship isn't going to last. 

To ME I think it’s weird because if someone is pursuing someone, they talk to them. Daily. So of course that’s a huge flag to ME.

 

and I didn’t purposely hurt her.  So I really don’t want to think of it as a taste of my own medicine 

[ExpatInItaly]

53 minutes ago, Lindaynovak21 said:

and I didn’t purposely hurt her.  So I really don’t want to think of it as a taste of my own medicine 

Well, then, you'll continue to reap what you sow.

[preraph]

Remember that they are both hiding this from parents, so they probably can't communicate much as they'd like.  

[Lindaynovak21]

my Aunt commented on his picture on Instagram of his dog he posted 8 weeks ago. I commented “our poor baby” and my aunt commented “best girlfriend award goes to @(my insta name)” because the dog is wearing a reindeer outfit I got him. The entire picture is weird because the caption of the picture is this  “they: it’ll be cute” “me: face” so why is he calling me “they” And he literally didn’t acknowledge the comment. I guess because it’s an old pic. Idk. But one of my best friends told me, that myself and my aunt look “desperate”

[gringoloco]

I'm going to be brutally honest but if my behavior changed all of a sudden and I started wanting to talk to my ex again, that would only mean one thing : unfinished business + I miss her + I'll end up getting in bed with her at some point. The fact that he cheated on her with you is already a major issue, and he could have used you as a "rebound" . I think you should leave him and find someone with no unfinished business

Edited January 27, 2020 by elpandillero

[Lindaynovak21]

18 minutes ago, elpandillero said:

I started wanting to talk to my ex again, that would only mean one thing : unfinished business + I miss her + I'll end up getting in bed with her at some point. 

Yeah that’s what I was pointing out here. That they don’t really talk. I know they’re friends on Snapchat but he says he only views her story.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Lindaynovak21 said:

Yeah that’s what I was pointing out here. That they don’t really talk. I know they’re friends on Snapchat but he says he only views her story.

And we know how honest he is, right?

Girl, come on. Being willfully naive is what got you into this mess in the first place.