Does everyone have an act?

[LuckyM]

Lately, seems that everyone, married or single, is putting on an act. Some are

excellent at it, some are obvious, some hardly try. Either they act tougher

than they are, sweeter, more friendly, nicer,  sexier,etc. Sooner or later the act drops

and you see the true colors. The Emperor has no clothes. Family members are also doing an act. I saw my mother

and sister do this for years. Say a woman looks very happy when she says it's over,

but I will call you. It's an act. She is thrilled to see me go. Forget the call.

The old cliche just be yourself is true only up to a point. We all put on a front,

online here and IRL.

As Shakespeare said, all the world's a stage.   Agree? Tell me I'm wrong.

[Kitty Tantrum]

I want to be like "Nope - not me."

But the truth is that this sort of thing is basically EXPECTED, under the heading of "pleasantry."

There are two basic ways to be perceived in modern society: you can be HAPPY, or you can be DEPRESSED.

If you don't put on some kinda sunny act, people tend to think there is something WRONG with you and that your brain ought to be chemically altered. It's a frickin' cult of happiness out there.

In a world of candy-coated people, it's hard being looked at like you're some kinda RAISIN in the bag of M&Ms.

So I don't go out much. Because I HATE putting on a pleasant face for all the people who can't tolerate the full range of the human condition. And I'm sick of being badgered about what's wrong with me when I don't do the typical "EVERYTHING IS FINE *SMILE SMILE*" routine.

Edited January 25, 2020 by Kitty Tantrum
missing end quote

[preraph]

Yeah, there's such a thing as having a filter so you don't offend people.  And also, sometimes putting on an act can be productive, if you are working towards becoming your best self and recreating yourself.  Be who you aspire to be.  Be your best self.  

 

Of course, it takes time to see the dark side, adverse circumstances and just people becoming complacent.  

[K.K.]

I think most people probably have a different face they show to the world, rather than the one they bring home to family, where they can let it all hang out.

I know as soon as the front door is closed behind me and  I can say what I want in a phone call to a trusted loved one, oh yeaaaaa I sometimes say things I wouldn’t want anyone else to even dream I would say. 

Y’all do that too! Don’t say you don’t! 😂

[Kitty Tantrum]

Oh, I tend to always SPEAK as though anyone and everyone can hear me at all times. But I certainly indulge in a wide variety of sneering, glowering, and scowling in the privacy of my home.

[preraph]

Everyone should be able to adjust their behavior to maximum benefit with different people in different situations.  No one should be so simple they can only act one way all the time.  

[FMW]

Polite society has rules of conduct.  Sometimes, in order to abide by those rules, we have to act in a way we're not really feeling.  We smile and say hello and ask how people are when we might rather not have to even acknowledge someone else's presence because of our own mood at the moment or because we just don't like them.  Sometimes we act happy, or at least content, because no one wants to deal with a frowning miserable person.        

In a possibly less acceptable scenario, people seeking attention, affirmation and approval might also put on an act of friendliness, and as you mentioned OP, sexiness, in order to get what they are seeking.

For good or bad, it's all part of adapting and accomplishing.    

[chillii]

Nah , people are pretty well themselves and grounded here .

Obviously though no one can be 100% themselves though out in public or around most people , themselves yeah but with some obvious hold back though , but that's only natural and common sense,  that part of us is reserved for for the special people in our life of course .

[LuckyM]

I am more convinced that everyone is acting to some degree, especially in their jobs

 around other people. Teachers, professors, sales staff, waiters, lawyers, doctors, managers

therapists, you name it. This isn't a bad thing if it works well. But even at home and in free time

we are presenting an enhanced version of ourselves. On antidepressant drugs, especially.

I act rather than show my grumpy or melancholy mood. Some people see through it.

Know anyone who is always him or herself?

[major_merrick]

I think lots of people put on an act when they feel vulnerable.  Especially at work or with certain family members, people wear a face.  Politicians are well known for this, and it is almost a cultural expectation. 

I tend to be myself, unless I'm trying to manipulate a situation for personal gain.  Since I've become a mother, I find that I have to occasionally act tougher because emotionally and physically I end up kinda drained.  But in the process of acting, you sometimes recover your old self.  Weird, I guess.

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm in professional mode at work, which means I don't reveal as much as I do in my personal life.

In my personal life I have hardly any filter. I read a great book with a friend a few years ago called "Radical Honesty," written by a relationship therapist. 

The basic idea is that most people are BSing themselves and others most of the time, lying to themselves about what they want, who they are, why they do what they do, how they feel.

The author suggests that only by being 100% honest with yourself and others - and you can and should be kind and tactful while being honest - do you achieve true intimacy. If someone likes or loves you based on a false projection of yourself, then they don't really like or love YOU. If someone likes or loves you based on who you TRULY are, then it's real and you can relax.

My friend and I began practicing this radical honesty years ago, and while people are sometimes a little taken aback by it at first, in time they almost always grow to love it, as they know you're not BSing and they can trust you.

[RecentChange]

This is nothing new. It's well understood in sociology that people adopt different personas in different social situations as to conform to social norms.

I would say at home, with my husband, I am "me". Totally relaxed, I don't have to put on any facade. I think that is one of the things that instantly connected us so many years ago. He is the first person that I have felt comfortable revealing EVERYTHING about me, the good, the bad and the ugly. 

At work - it's my professional persona. I am more polite, I make it a point to present myself as calm and collected. I try to be engaging and friendly to everyone - if I personally like them or not. It's time for business. 

Around my parents / family gatherings, again I am more polite and always try to be helpful - first to do the dishes, help grandma up the stairs etc. Basically behave in a way that would make my parents proud.

Socially - I put on a personal of more of an extrovert, I keep things upbeat and try not to be negative not a complainer. Comments about my "positive energy" I take as a compliment.

I also happen to wear different clothes in each of these situations. More conservative at work and family functions, more fashionable in social ones, and at home? I love me some leggings 😂

For me, I don't feel like I am hiding anything, but just working the social situation to the best of my advantage. It doesn't leave me feeling like I am not "being myself" but rather I often feel satisfied by my "performance".

[DKT3]

My daughter is an the only person I've ever seen who is 100% who she is all the time. She is in her late teen and have very few female friends because of it. When a friend complains to her about boyfriends she states the obvious which according to my wife isnt code, and women tend to support the friend and subtlety point out her possible flaws in the situation.  My girl is like a wrecking ball. 

For most people,  we put on an "act" to fit the situation.  I rarely tell my employees exactly what I'm thinking because it's not always appropriate in the situation.  

[Ruby Slippers]

1 minute ago, DKT3 said:

She is in her late teen and have very few female friends because of it.

This is another good point. When you're "radically honest," you'll have fewer friends than if you morph to fit different tastes and personalities. However, those friends are REAL friends, not fair-weather friends.

I've always preferred to a have a smaller, trusted group of real friends than a bunch of fluffy acquaintances.

In business, it pays to be "everybody's friend." I need to work on my "schmoozing," but there's a certain in-authenticity in schmoozing that I find distasteful. I need to figure out how to make it more palatable.

[major_merrick]

@Ruby Slippers You make a very good point.  People who are either "radically honest" or simply open because they don't care what others think tend to have fewer friends.  I tend to be one of those people. Others tend to love me or hate me, with little ground in the middle.  I value loyal relationships.  I divide the world into three categories: Friends/Family, Enemies, and Expendable.  It takes work to get into the first category.  The second category also takes some doing.  The third?  Meh.  I could care less. 

My husband does the "schmooze" thing pretty well, but it comes off as being authentic instead of smarmy.  He's a social chameleon when necessary, and very charismatic.  He'd do well in politics, if it weren't for me and his other partners.  He's a natural public speaker, and can adjust what he says to suit his audience.  It's really something to watch.  At home...he's different and much more introverted. 

[Springsummer]

Holy smoke . I am probably the worst actor in the whole wide world. I can't hide how I feel and act otherwise. I have no filters. How can I change this? is it natural talent or takes practices.

[basil67]

In my experience, 'radically honest' (as opposed to being both honest and thoughtful) translates to having little consideration for the feelings of others.....hence not many friends.

[basil67]

3 minutes ago, Springsummer said:

Holy smoke . I am probably the worst actor in the whole wide world. I can't hide how I feel and act otherwise. I have no filters. How can I change this? is it natural talent or takes practices.

It takes practice.  And it's helpful to have someone who will tell you when something comes out wrong.....and in turn, to listen to them without trying to defend myself.  

Edited January 31, 2020 by basil67

[Springsummer]

This is really an educational thread. reminds me how stupid a person I am..especially at work. I can't fake nice  at work with people I don't like.

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, Springsummer said:

This is really an educational thread. reminds me how stupid a person I am..especially at work. I can't fake nice  at work with people I don't like.

Can you be civil to a level which is expected in a workplace environment?  If so, this is all that is required. 

[major_merrick]

7 minutes ago, basil67 said:

In my experience, 'radically honest' (as opposed to being both honest and thoughtful) translates to having little consideration for the feelings of others.....hence not many friends.

Sometimes true.  Of course, I maintain that someone who can't handle me in my true form isn't worth getting all that close to.  I can be polite enough to get something I want, but my close friends know that my inherited title is "Duchess of Snark."  It is just too difficult for me to pretend that I'm not difficult and sometimes I like to argue just for argument's sake.  Until I'm depressed or worn out, and then I want somewhere soft to curl up.  My partners and close friends figure this out.   

[LuckyM]

Interesting answers. I discovered that when people talk about importance of honesty,

that means  they expect others to be honest, yes, but not themselves. They want to make

exceptions for themselves. When I taught college, almost every student revealed or admitted this in class.

Hundreds, both genders of all ages. Say, you want people to be sensitive to your feelings. Fine, but you  can be insensitive to theirs.

In polite company, we say be honest and be yourself! Privately, I think most of us feel differently. You will lose friends and family

love being your unvarnished self. Especially if you are a depressive or very shy or some weirdness. I  thought I'd find a SF

who loved (or at least liked) me for my own self. Looking back, I wish that I had lied about my job and some things. Sometimes

you settle for someone who tolerates your occupation and interests. As you tolerate your parents.

All the world's a stage.