Afellow Posted January 25, 2020 Share Posted January 25, 2020 Over the years, I noticed that women often seemed uncomfortable around me, so I would generally keep my distance. Recently, it was brought to my attention that I give off some kind of "vibe" that might make women feel uncertain of me, and it was recommended that I join common-interest groups, and just be open to interacting with anybody who seems open to it. What I've been finding is that men and married women talk to me, but not single women. I'm wondering, if I'm giving off some "vibe" that makes people uncomfortable, why would it only affect single women? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 25, 2020 Share Posted January 25, 2020 (edited) Because they're not interested in dating you. For whatever reason. Whoever told you about the vibe, did they not get more specific about what it was about? Edited January 25, 2020 by preraph Link to post Share on other sites
Author Afellow Posted January 25, 2020 Author Share Posted January 25, 2020 1 hour ago, preraph said: Because they're not interested in dating you. For whatever reason. Whoever told you about the vibe, did they not get more specific about what it was about? No, they didn't give me specifics. I did ask, and I actually asked, specifically, if it was a "flirtatious" kind of vibe, but I was told that it's definitely not anything like that. It's just a general vibe that makes people uncertain of me. As for them not being interested in dating me, that had occurred to me. However, I have been told that it's not okay to assume that kind of thing, and that there could be a hundred different reasons why they're avoiding me. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted January 25, 2020 Share Posted January 25, 2020 Creeper vibe? Maybe ask a trusted and blunt family member or friend ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 25, 2020 Share Posted January 25, 2020 has a woman ever told you up front that you are creepy? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Afellow Posted January 25, 2020 Author Share Posted January 25, 2020 12 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: Creeper vibe? Maybe ask a trusted and blunt family member or friend ? 2 minutes ago, alphamale said: has a woman ever told you up front that you are creepy? I have actually asked someone about that years ago, and I have been told no. However, maybe they were sparing my feelings? Is the Creeper/Creepy vibe something specific? Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted January 25, 2020 Share Posted January 25, 2020 That depends, but it's a label you just don't want because you won't be able to shake it. Ever. How would you say you act around women? Are you sociable? Friendly? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Afellow Posted January 26, 2020 Author Share Posted January 26, 2020 8 minutes ago, The Outlaw said: That depends, but it's a label you just don't want because you won't be able to shake it. Ever. How would you say you act around women? Are you sociable? Friendly? I used to follow other people's examples in being friendly and sociable, but what seemed okay for other people didn't seem to be okay for me (I was very consistently getting negative reactions from women,) so I just got in the habit of giving women space Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 26, 2020 Share Posted January 26, 2020 3 hours ago, preraph said: Because they're not interested in dating you. For whatever reason. That is usually the reason. They do not want to give you the wrong idea. If it was all women, then maybe your approach would be wrong, but as it is only the single ones then it will be because they are not attracted. How old are you and how old are these women? Do you have anything in common with them? Women tend to like men they know, or they can identify with or men who are good looking/sexy. If you are not a natural, then copying other people's examples can appear forced or fake. One guy's hilarious joke can fall completely flat for another if the timing is off. Just be who you are, people tend to respond to honesty. Take particular notice of personal space, do not invade it without being invited in. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted January 26, 2020 Share Posted January 26, 2020 (edited) Ime, creepy people have this intensity about them. Whether they are quiet and just staring or outgoing and trying to be friendly, there’s an intensity there that is offputting. Edited January 26, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 26, 2020 Share Posted January 26, 2020 Perhaps what you were doing in the past was making overlong eye contact with women or "looking them over" but not otherwise communicating with them? I believe many women find things like that off-putting and even threatening. Generally, if you want to communicate with a new woman, the simplest thing to do is wait for a signal in the form of a smile, hello, or friendly gaze. This is (sometimes, not always) social "permission" to start a conversation. If you attempt to start the conversation and she's not interested in talking then it wasn't permission. Suggest you try to take that hint quickly and disengage in a kind, friendly, and forgiving manner if that happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted January 26, 2020 Share Posted January 26, 2020 You got any women friends that you're relatively close to? Even a coworker you trust ... heck even a male friend or coworker ... Go to a party ... a reception ... a workplace event ... and tell the person to observe you a little bit ... You might be doing something very simple ... that is off ... And ... you might be judging "distance" when there isn't really distance. Lots of people are shy ... You do want to nail down the eye contact ... it's like ... look at someone briefly ... and if you are going to keep the gaze--quickly smile! If you don't smile quickly, eye contact is very offputting ... it's like a spy is observing you. Eye contact and smile ... or talk really quickly ... Even a nod ... I was in a group today ... and there was a woman I had met last week in this group ... She and I made eye contact across the room and I nodded and smiled and she did the same. I'm betting you're looking at women too hard ... for too long ... without saying "hi." Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 26, 2020 Share Posted January 26, 2020 2 hours ago, Afellow said: Is the Creeper/Creepy vibe something specific? no, it is not. it's a group of related behaviours or negative body language that coalese to make one "creepy" Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted January 26, 2020 Share Posted January 26, 2020 You could be doing it to yourself. Are you comfortable around women , standing close to women, even say a shop cashier or in lines. You might be wary of your vibe so a bit nervy and they'll pick that up then they're wary your wary back and around and around it goes and before long your a bit creepy, or nervy , or something. When your comfortable women are comfortable , usually . But yeah , for God sake don't go mimicking other guys , l've seen guys trying to do that , looks pretty sad. And it won't work anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Afellow Posted January 26, 2020 Author Share Posted January 26, 2020 6 hours ago, elaine567 said: How old are you and how old are these women? Do you have anything in common with them? I'm in my early forties. When I started to notice women being uncomfortable was in my late teens, and it's been consistent since then (college,) meeting married women and men. I don't know if I have anything in common with them, because we don't interact. I think this is why the "shared-interest" activity was suggested, to have something to focus on, instead of just a "mingling" kind of environment. 5 hours ago, mark clemson said: Perhaps what you were doing in the past was making overlong eye contact with women or "looking them over" but not otherwise communicating with them? I believe many women find things like that off-putting and even threatening. I'm not sure, but there may have been some staring in the past. A couple people mentioned it when I was in my late teens, but I never noticed because I wasn't looking at anything in particular. I was probably miles away in my mind. I was never looking around at women, and I still don't do that. Since college, I've learned to be more mindful of where I appear to be looking, so I'm not sure that staring is the issue now, but of course I could be wrong 4 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: You got any women friends that you're relatively close to? Even a coworker you trust ... heck even a male friend or coworker ... Go to a party ... a reception ... a workplace event ... and tell the person to observe you a little bit ... You might be doing something very simple ... that is off ... And ... you might be judging "distance" when there isn't really distance. Lots of people are shy ... You do want to nail down the eye contact ... it's like ... look at someone briefly ... and if you are going to keep the gaze--quickly smile! If you don't smile quickly, eye contact is very offputting ... it's like a spy is observing you. Eye contact and smile ... or talk really quickly ... Even a nod ... I was in a group today ... and there was a woman I had met last week in this group ... She and I made eye contact across the room and I nodded and smiled and she did the same. I'm betting you're looking at women too hard ... for too long ... without saying "hi." I've not tried asking anyone to observe me before. that's a really good idea. I think I may do that. So, what I have been doing is, In the "shared-interest" type activities, I'm busy doing the activity, and when there is a group of people chatting, I sort of make myself welcome in the group and sometimes chime in, and it's at that point that I notice that the men and married women are welcoming and engaging. At other times, the men or married women come up to me and start engaging me in conversation apropos of nothing. Again, very consistent that it's not single women. 1 hour ago, chillii said: You could be doing it to yourself. Are you comfortable around women , standing close to women, even say a shop cashier or in lines. You might be wary of your vibe so a bit nervy and they'll pick that up then they're wary your wary back and around and around it goes and before long your a bit creepy, or nervy , or something. When your comfortable women are comfortable , usually . But yeah , for God sake don't go mimicking other guys , l've seen guys trying to do that , looks pretty sad. And it won't work anyway. I've always been more comfortable around women. In fact, I've always had mostly female friends. I spent a lot of time in college dissecting my body language, tone of voice, proximity and all these things to see if I was doing something "wrong." That's when I was observing other men and seeing if they're doing anything differently, and the only thing they tend to do differently is that they are more aggressive, which I tried for a VERY short while. It just made things worse. Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted January 26, 2020 Share Posted January 26, 2020 (edited) Yeah, all that over thinking would be doing things. lt's surprising though that spending a lot of time around females feedback hasn't just come through in convo then , and also that you even have a problem , they must like ya , be comfortable. My guess is though the fact married people and women are ok could be because you don't giva fk , you'll have a different way about you, she's married. So probably if you practiced not giving a fk just in general to things could settle down. Edited January 26, 2020 by chillii 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted January 26, 2020 Share Posted January 26, 2020 4 hours ago, Afellow said: I don't know if I have anything in common with them, because we don't interact. I think this is why the "shared-interest" activity was suggested, to have something to focus on, instead of just a "mingling" kind of environment. It's difficult isn't it but if you practice in social environments where you see people regularly, gym, church, same coffee shop etc. they get to know you and then more accepting than a stranger. My behaviours I have to tone down is being overenthusiastic and going on about something then realising nobody is that interested/passionate. I made all my best friends the same way though conversely! They were just more able to communicate 'stop now!' so they don't mind my flights of fancy. One thing I've noticed since the anxiety disorder, I keep looking around me, and often notice people trying to see what I'm looking at, which is nothing in particular, it's just a nervous habit. My friends tell me 'focus' and 'calm down' now. But strangers just see a slight disconnect I am guessing which may cause discomfort. Most people aren't 100% happy with everything about themselves though. And lots of people take time to warm up to anyone. So don't worry too much, just make sure you're happy with other aspects of yourself, appearance, wellbeing etc which are easier to change. A positive vibe automatically comes off that. 'People take us very much on our own estimation'. Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 Haaaaa, l use to get overly passionate , luckily these days l'm too lazy haha. Auto fix. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Afellow Posted January 27, 2020 Author Share Posted January 27, 2020 21 hours ago, chillii said: lt's surprising though that spending a lot of time around females feedback hasn't just come through in convo then , and also that you even have a problem , they must like ya , be comfortable. I've wondered the same thing. Maybe they're just immune to weird vibes and don't notice, and maybe that's the only people I meet because the other ones avoid me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Afellow Posted January 27, 2020 Author Share Posted January 27, 2020 17 hours ago, Ellener said: Most people aren't 100% happy with everything about themselves though. And lots of people take time to warm up to anyone. So don't worry too much, just make sure you're happy with other aspects of yourself, appearance, wellbeing etc which are easier to change. A positive vibe automatically comes off that. This is very true. I have been working on that over the past year or so, which is where some of these questions have come from. So far, I'm finding that, as I ask more and more questions, I think of more things to ask. So, it's just making the journey take longer 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 3 hours ago, Afellow said: So, it's just making the journey take longer Happiness is a journey, not a destination, as the saying goes! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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