Is it normal that my mother asks me to not let any other woman 'steal' my boyfriend?

[Asayi]

I’m 22 and my mother does this weird thing since I have a boyfriend (5 months). Every time I tell her something about him, she advises me to keep him and if not, he might find another woman and fall under her spell (??). She hasn’t even met him and what bothers me is that she’s on his side as if he’s the prize and I’m the lucky one to have him. My mom did the same thing with my ex who broke up with me and during a full year after that, she would tell me things like ‘He might come back and if he does, don’t be stupid: take him back’ or would ask me ‘did he meet another girl??’. I feel like a normal reaction would be ‘you deserve better and you’ll find someone else’ and not ‘take back the guy who broke your heart’. I don’t understand why she does that, as if it’s my entire fault if my relationship fails. 

I sometimes try to tell her that I also have my own value and that I’m also a ‘prize’ in my relationship (aka maybe my boyfriend is also lucky to be with me too?), but that’s not her first thought when it comes to my relationships. Also, I told her that a man can’t be stolen by someone else if he really loves a woman, but she doesn’t agree apparently. 

I just think it’s hurtful that my own mother thinks that, as if I don’t have anything to bring to the table and that anyone would leave me and find someone better. 

Btw my mother didn’t do that with my brother or my older sister who was in a relationship.

[Woggle]

Nobody can steal anybody unless somebody kidnaps him. If he wants to be with another woman that would be his choice. 

[preraph]

Your mom doesn't have much faith in you to take care of your own self in case you don't find a man to marry is what I think.  She probably had to rely on marriage to get by herself, and now she just wants you "well married" because she maybe can't fathom someone being able to take care of themselves financially enough to be able to pick and choose who to marry.  It is kind of insulting, but again, it's probably from her own experience.  

 

This is your life, not hers.  She doesn't get to tell you how to live your life.  She had her own to decide what to do with.  

[Asayi]

@woggle Right! That’s exactly what I tell her, bur she keeps bringing the ‘he might fall for another woman’ argument

[K.K.]

My mom did all that and then some. It’s very hurtful and the only thing I can put it down to is jealousy. She would always side with whatever boyfriend I had and would sometimes flirt with them inappropriately. Your case doesn’t sound as bad as that and maybe she is just  trying to look out for you but I don’t know. It’s just really rude. 

My mom was an angel with my brothers though and they could do no wrong. 

I think maybe your mom might mean well it’s hard to tell. But she’s going about it in a not so kind way, fo sho. 

[Asayi]

11 minutes ago, preraph said:

Your mom doesn't have much faith in you to take care of your own self in case you don't find a man to marry is what I think.  She probably had to rely on marriage to get by herself, and now she just wants you "well married" because she maybe can't fathom someone being able to take care of themselves financially enough to be able to pick and choose who to marry.  It is kind of insulting, but again, it's probably from her own experience.  

 

This is your life, not hers.  She doesn't get to tell you how to live your life.  She had her own to decide what to do with.  

 

I appreciate your answer and it makes sense objectively. I wouldn’t know why she would think that I’d need to rely on a man financially. I’m a soon to be attorney (just passed the Bar exams and I now need to do an internship), so I’m doing fine by my own even though I want to eventually get married, but not because I want to rely financially on someone. 

[Asayi]

3 minutes ago, K.K. said:

My mom did all that and then some. It’s very hurtful and the only thing I can put it down to is jealousy. She would always side with whatever boyfriend I had and would sometimes flirt with them inappropriately. Your case doesn’t sound as bad as that and maybe she is just  trying to look out for you but I don’t know. It’s just really rude. 

My mom was an angel with my brothers though and they could do no wrong. 

I think maybe your mom might mean well it’s hard to tell. But she’s going about it in a not so kind way, fo sho. 

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been through this... Relationships between mothers and a daughters seem really complicated.

I obviously love my mom, but we tend to fight on things like that. She would tell me that no one would want me for my internship, that my degree is common and is nothing special and that my passion for writings is useless because I don’t earn any money from it (even though that’s not my goal right now). These are all things she would tell me (and more) when she’s mad at me. Maybe jealousy is a reason, I don’t know. I read a little bit about it.

I can relate to the brother part haha My mom would always tell that no girl is good enough for my brother. But hey everyone is better than me, so I should watch out my boyfriend lol

[preraph]

Your mother is too critical and you shouldn't take it to heart.  You're about to be an attorney.  Not many people can say that.  Your mom may be jealous of you and just want to take you down a peg by criticizing you.  I'm sorry.  I don't even think she means well, honestly.  I think she's making you feel bad to make herself feel better.  

[K.K.]

4 minutes ago, Asayi said:

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been through this... Relationships between mothers and a daughters seem really complicated.

I obviously love my mom, but we tend to fight on things like that. She would tell me that no one would want me for my internship, that my degree is common and is nothing special and that my passion for writings is useless because I don’t earn any money from it (even though that’s not my goal right now). These are all things she would tell me (and more) when she’s mad at me. Maybe jealousy is a reason, I don’t know. I read a little bit about it.

I can relate to the brother part haha My mom would always tell that no girl is good enough for my brother. But hey everyone is better than me, so I should watch out my boyfriend lol

(Not trying derail but) YES!! This!! My mom said I wouldn’t ever get anywhere as a writer and that I was too lazy to work in a pie shop and that I needed to just be “lucky” that I had a job no matter what it was. I’m currently very much underachieving and my so called writing skills are spent on an online forum writing idiotic stories about sex with a maintenance man. 😂

[Daisydooks]

Congrats on passing the BAR! AHHH!!!! What an accomplishment. I am really proud of you

This is atrocious behaviour. Most normal and loving parents with not carry on this kind of dialogue with their daughter. Is there something wrong with your mother? Mentally I mean?

Have you ever asked her why you are treated differently than your brother and sister?

[preraph]

People with low self-esteem often criticize others to make themselves feel more equal for a moment.

[thefooloftheyear]

Sounds like something an Italian or Jewish mother would say....😄

Of course its hurtful...But I have heard crap like that many times over the years...I think these women are naturally more devoted to their sons than their daughters but I would have thought it was phased out by now...

TFY

[schlumpy]

You cannot treat your mother like your best friend and tell her the details of your relationships. She has too much interest in them and is probably living her past love life vicariously through you. Only talk in general terms like where you go for dates and things you have seen and experienced.

She probably means well, but it will strain your relationship.

[amaysngrace]

It’s not normal.  It sounds like she put herself in competition with you and is losing. 

Don’t let her misery steal your joy.  Congratulations on all your accomplishments to date!  Hold your head high...you’ve earned it! 

[Daisydooks]

9 hours ago, thefooloftheyear said:

Sounds like something an Italian or Jewish mother would say....😄

Of course its hurtful...But I have heard crap like that many times over the years...I think these women are naturally more devoted to their sons than their daughters but I would have thought it was phased out by now...

TFY

She has an older sister. Lol. 

[d0nnivain]

My mom was a but like your mom.  Like you I have a lot of education but my mom kept throwing men at men, any men, IMO inappropriate men.  She knew I had book smarts but she worried I got them at the expense of street smarts.  She  was afraid I couldn't take care of myself & she was sexist.  If I told her something she ignored me but if a man said it, it was a great idea. 

Mostly I just stopped telling her anything about my love life & I yessed her to death about other things without really listening to what she said. . . it was a yeah sure  whatever you say response . . but I did whatever I wanted anyway.  Try that.  Stop caring what she thinks because her view point upsets you

[JTSW]

Your mother thinks very low of you. 

She thinks that don't have enough value to keep a man.

You have to ignore this or she'll have you believing it.

[Asayi]

Thank you all for your answers! So basically the best thing I can do is keeping my relationship for myself and ignore her hurtful comments about me.. 

 

[Els]

My mother does the same thing, I just /ignore. IMO when someone says such things to you, it says more about them than it does about you. In my mother's case, she is almost 100% reliant on my father for EVERYTHING (which drives him bananas, btw), so I guess she's just projecting that level of dependency on everyone else.

[preraph]

You might mention to her sometime that you're aware that people with low self-esteem often try to criticize others to bring them down a peg or two so that they can feel better for themselves for a minute.  If she should really listen and think about that, she might stop herself from doing it, knowing how it will be received.