Wife turned on by male coworker

[MajesticHybrid]

So, my wife told me something the other day that really bothered me. 
 

There is a guy who works with her who is seriously ripped. He is built like The Rock. No exaggeration. He has tattoos up and down his arms and my wife loves tattoos. 
 

She just came out and told me how turned on she was when she saw him. But she said this made her want to be with me.

 I work out and I’m athletically built but I’m nothing next to this guy. (I have seen him) And I don’t do tattoos. So this guy is right up my wife’s alley. But it made no sense when she told me that she saw him, was turned on and wanted me????

That logic makes no sense. She saw a guy much more attractive to me and was turned on but it made her want me? I’m sorry but that just doesn’t add up.

If I see an attractive woman. I think about being with her. I’m attracted to her and turned on so I think about her. The one turning me on. So I don’t believe my wife.

I basically don’t want to have sex with her now. I mean it’s embarrassing to be naked in front her. 
So I was hoping in any women had insight into this mindset Because it doesn’t add up to me. Hopefully someone can explain it to me.

 

[K.K.]

30 minutes ago, MajesticHybrid said:

So, my wife told me something the other day that really bothered me. 
 

There is a guy who works with her who is seriously ripped. He is built like The Rock. No exaggeration. He has tattoos up and down his arms and my wife loves tattoos.
 

She just came out and told me how turned on she was when she saw him. But she said this made her want to be with me.

 I work out and I’m athletically built but I’m nothing next to this guy. (I have seen him) And I don’t do tattoos. So this guy is right up my wife’s alley. But it made no sense when she told me that she saw him, was turned on and wanted me????

That logic makes no sense. She saw a guy much more attractive to me and was turned on but it made her want me? I’m sorry but that just doesn’t add up.

If I see an attractive woman. I think about being with her. I’m attracted to her and turned on so I think about her. The one turning me on. So I don’t believe my wife.

I basically don’t want to have sex with her now. I mean it’s embarrassing to be naked in front her. 
So I was hoping in any women had insight into this mindset Because it doesn’t add up to me. Hopefully someone can explain it to me.

 

Hmm well... hmmm

 

Don’t get me wrong here, I can understand the momentary ‘jealousy’ that you probably felt when she told you about him. 

 

But in her defense, I mean... he’s beefed up like The Rock! Where does someone usually get a chance to even see an actual living breathing person that looks like that! (Well... depending on where you live I guess, I can tell you that I don’t grrr) 

 

In her workplace no doubt! That would be like you walking into your job and all of a sudden there’s a playboy bunny right in front of you. Come on! You know you would be utterly fascinated. It’s just so out of the norm. 

 

Would you actually have a chance though with said bunny? Probably not, right? But oh what a fantasy. She probably feels this same way. It’s not like she’s going to actually have a chance with this man, unless she looks like a playboy bunny and lets face it- most of us are just various degrees of ... average and regular. 

 

When she told you that she wanted sex with you after she saw him, that’s what she meant. YOU. It’s kind of the same thing if you were to enjoy yourself with a little porn. Wouldn’t it be just like a catalyst to some great sex with your wife? 

 

If I were you, I’d see it for what it is. A harmless observation of her about him where you, as her husband, get to reap the rewards. If it were threatening, she wouldn’t have told you in the first place. 

 

I would say (jmo) that you should try very hard not to make this about you or weird in any way. She loves YOU. Don’t let her see any weakness or irritation in you, it’s just going to make it more awkward. 

Get naked and put it out there like always. Confidentially. 

 

Plus, keep in mind, the guy looks like The Rock for goodness sakes. Poor girl can’t help herself. Nothing is going to come of it. It’s a harmless admiration which will blow over at the first sign of him ... being human again. 

[thefooloftheyear]

Don't worry....All the women here will tell you that she needs her eyes checked and that those type of guys are unattractive and she must have confused him with the teddy bear type of guy that is in the same department..🙄.(sarcasm)

Anyway....she dropped a bomb on you...Imagine how she'd feel if she came home to find pictures on your PC of all nude women with big racks and dark hair and she's a flat chested redhead.. She'd be crushed and think that you cant ever be attracted to her and why you are even married to her..

I don't know if she was trying to send a message or if she is just plain stupid, but now she has opened a can of worms that will be hard to overcome..Im not saying its so out of normal to lust after someone else. particularly of they are attractive,  but if you care about the person you are with,  you need to keep that under hat at all times..

I don't have any particular advice here, maybe counseling but it may never help...It may be something you just need to work through and let time heal it...I hate to tell you this but this exact scenario unfolded in front of me with a close friend and his wife...I heard nothing about it after, but they were divorced less than a year later.,..

Good luck

TFY

[K.K.]

^ ^  I mean yea.. *cough* she coulda kept it to herself though. 

😬

[Interstellar]

How many times has she done this? This is a BIG red flag man. Sounds like her interest level in you is going down the drain. Do you treat her like one of your buddies? because she’s not one of your buddies. She’s your wife. I have no idea as to the nature of your relationship but you better keep your eyes and ears open. This isn’t good. Your brain will lie to you. Your heart will lie to you. Your gut will always tell you the truth.

Edited January 26, 2020 by Interstellar

[Cookiesandough]

I’m just going to go ahead and assume she’s attracted to you because she married you. She is also attracted to this guy. Two different body types. Attracted to both. It happens. 

So she got turned on looking at him. She’s now horny. She wants to have sex with her husband that she is attracted to. She doesn’t want to have sex with that guy, because she loves you and knows you wouldn’t be cool with that? 

It all checks out to me. 

She shouldn’t have told you that, though. 

[MajesticHybrid]

Well she admits everything openly. She really hasn’t ever said anything like this. She said it in response to something I said actually.

I brought up how much she liked Chris Hemsworth. He’s one of her celebrity crushes. One of many.  And she she rolled her eyes and said she only thinks about that stuff mostly when I bring it up. And then she launched into the explanation about how when she sees other attractive men, It makes her want me more. And then she used her co worker as an example.

I’m avoiding sexual contact with her now because of it.  She tried to come into the bathroom the other night while I was showering.  She usually comes in to hang out with me while I shower and we talk. She likes to poke her head in the curtain to see me. She says she wants to check me out.  Well anyway, she tried to do this the other night and I told her not to. I apologized but told her that I just wanted some time alone to myself. She seemed bummed but said okay and didn’t make anything out of it. 
 

I have went to bed every night and we aren’t having sex. She’ll make comments about how she “wanted some last night “ but I just shrug and say sorry and move on.

I don’t want to have sex with her when I am basically just a sex you with a pulse.

 

 

[snowboy91]

My ex used to have a saying (which I agree with) - it doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home... 😉

I don't think it was kind of her to explicitly describe her attraction to this guy. However, I think the crux of the issue is you've jumped in with the assumption that because this guy is ripped and has tattoos, you consider him a more attractive guy than you. That isn't necessarily how your wife's mind works... attraction for her doesn't necessarily work the way you think it should (or the way it works for you), which works in your favour.

 

[Scarlett.O'hara]

So just to clarify, she didn't just randomly bring up coworker making her horny.  This all came about because you were questioning her about celebrity she found attractive.  She was trying to explain how they make her want you more.  The coworker was just an example.  It sounds like she was trying to tell you how desired you are, but it came off the wrong way, and now you are determined to hold it against her. 

Did you bring up her attraction to a celebrity for a particular reason?  Were you looking for some reassurance or validation?  Or did you want to start a fight that no one can win?  You admit yourself that you find yourself attracted to other women, but presumably you remain faithful and still feel your wife as the most desirable, right?  Is that not the same for her?

When I read your first post in isolation, I thought she was just randomly bringing up another guy making her horny, which would be very disrespectful and concerning, but now I see that wasn't the case.  She didn't just announce it, you initiated a conversation that would be awkward for most people if they realize their partner is genuinely upset over a crush on a celebrity.   It can be hard to say something perfectly thought through when put on the spot.

It's possible your insecurities are making you question her until she says the wrong thing.  Now you are using this as an excuse not to have sex with her.   I have seen people, both men and women sabotage relationships in this way, due to insecurities.  The problem is when they start withholding sex and intimacy, it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.  She will think you don't want her anymore and eventually it will push her away.   

Only you will know for sure if there is any truth to this, but if you are sensitive to your partner's attraction towards other people (plenty of people are) then don't discuss it, as it will only trigger feelings of insecurity. 

Try not to allow these thoughts or feelings to erode your intimacy.  That closeness and bond with each other is the glue that keeps your relationship together.

[nospam99]

@cookies. Thank you for being a young woman pointing out that some people would rather have sex with the person they love than with some icon of physical attractiveness.

[Daisydooks]

8 hours ago, K.K. said:

If I were you, I’d see it for what it is. A harmless observation of her about him where you, as her husband, get to reap the rewards. If it were threatening, she wouldn’t have told you in the first place. 

Exactly this. If he was a threat, this guy would be a secret.  

You should believe her. First, go hug your wife, buddy. You're going to ruin your marriage with this s***. She didnt mean to hurt you. It was a conversation you started about celebs and she used this guy as an example when talking to you about. Dont start down this awful spiral of withholding sex from her. You will sabotage your marriage. She is attracted to you, desires you and was honest when you started talking about men who are sexier than you (not sure what you gain from this other than to be in an argument with your wife she cant possibly win.) Even if he has tats and muscles, it doesnt make him more attractive. 

Maybe stop engaging in the celebrity chats about men who are hotter than you and then getting upset when she is open. She could have kept this a secret and with you acting like this, she will never be honest again. She didn't just come out and say "hey babe! This guy is way hotter than you." Not even a little bit. She isnt more attracted to him by any stretch, even though your thoughts are running wild. She feels safe, comfortable, loved and respected by you. She only wants you. 

Hahaha When I see sexy men, it almost brings out a beast like feeling in me but my fiance is the only person I want to touch and have wild sex with. It wouldnt even cross my mind to screw someone else. I dont even envision sex with someone else. He may turn my head, but I dont have a mental visual of banging some chiseled tattooed guy.  

When I see a man who maybe gets me all hot and bothered, I cant wait to get home to my fiance and touch him! Haha I also sneak into the bathroom and watch him shower by peaking my head around the curtain, touch his butt which at times turns into more, and get all hot and bothered when he wanders around the house naked or with minimal clothing on. Hehehe

Dont be so hard on her. She  may have jumped the gun in telling you this and maybe her example sucked... but all she wanted was you. 

38 minutes ago, nospam99 said:

people would rather have sex with the person they love than with some icon of physical attractiveness.

I am in this camp of women who'd never engage anyone but my partner.  It would feel wrong, and I value the closeness, safety, respect, and love we have.  I am most attracted to my partner, yes, even before the Rock or Chris Hemsworth (although sexy.) I dont have a bond with anyone else like I do with him, so I would never feel comfortable with touching someone else at all. Is he physically more attractive than Chris Hemsworth to all women? Not even close. To me, heck yeah.  I would never in a million years go beyond what is in my head.  I sincerely would never want to. I want that with my fiance. And it would stop there

Seriously, go apologize to her for overreacting and give her a hug

 

Edited January 26, 2020 by Daisydooks

[Daisydooks]

8 hours ago, Interstellar said:

How many times has she done this? This is a BIG red flag man. Sounds like her interest level in you is going down the drain. Do you treat her like one of your buddies? because she’s not one of your buddies. She’s your wife. I have no idea as to the nature of your relationship but you better keep your eyes and ears open. This isn’t good. Your brain will lie to you. Your heart will lie to you. Your gut will always tell you the truth.

Do you still think this way now that he has actually explained what happened? 

[Daisydooks]

8 hours ago, thefooloftheyear said:

Don't worry....All the women here will tell you that she needs her eyes checked and that those type of guys are unattractive and she must have confused him with the teddy bear type of guy that is in the same department..🙄.(sarcasm)

Anyway....she dropped a bomb on you...Imagine how she'd feel if she came home to find pictures on your PC of all nude women with big racks and dark hair and she's a flat chested redhead.. She'd be crushed and think that you cant ever be attracted to her and why you are even married to her..

I don't know if she was trying to send a message or if she is just plain stupid, but now she has opened a can of worms that will be hard to overcome..Im not saying its so out of normal to lust after someone else. particularly of they are attractive,  but if you care about the person you are with,  you need to keep that under hat at all times..

I don't have any particular advice here, maybe counseling but it may never help...It may be something you just need to work through and let time heal it

In context, if you read the full story, would you still give the same advice? 

 

[thefooloftheyear]

59 minutes ago, Daisydooks said:

In context, if you read the full story, would you still give the same advice? 

 

Eh...I dunno...maybe I change my tune...but I am sensing a double standard here among the responses from the ladies..

I am sure any of you would probably be crushed and very angry if any of your guys actually came out and told you that some woman your guy was working with who you already knew is way hotter than you(better body, bigger tits, etc) turned him on so much....You all would flip your lids and perhaps some probably force him to leave that job...Be honest now...

Its one thing to talk about silly "celebrity crushes" because I think a lot of people have those and they are meaningless...Its like saying you adore unicorns..They really aren't real...Like all; guys say Jlo is so hot blah blah...what does it mean.?  She wouldn't piss on them if they were on fire...Same for the Chris Hemsworth's  etc..But when it becomes something that is real, someone she sees every day, then its a different story...

Maybe she just doesn't understand the issue here...I don't know, because most sane minded people aren't going to go home and tell someone that...He thinks now that every time he has sex with her, she is dreaming of this hard body and not him....Its natural and you would feel just as hurt and bothered about it if the tables turned....probably worse, if you are like most of the women I have known over the years..

Eh,,I an not normally a "tit for tat" person or advocate passive aggressiveness, but sometimes it works....Maybe let this die a bit and do the same  thing to her that she did to him...Pick some mega hot IG models  who look way better than her and conspicuously leave the computer so she can see who he's ogling at...

I dunno….like I said same thing happened to a close friend of mine and it was done right in front of my eyes...They divorced...Maybe there was other issues, but who knows..

TFY

[DKT3]

Wait a month, then tell your wife you've been going to a strip club or watching porn getting turned on to have sex with her..and watch how she reacts. 

People sometimes simply say some f---ked up stuff and once said cant be unheard. I will suggest you ignore those trying to minimize her behavior and overstate your reaction.  In many ways it's like transferred gaslighting,  meaning they themselves have likely done the same and just done see anything wrong with it. 

[preraph]

I think you are creating the thing you fear most by going and looking for it. After all it was you that brought it up, not her. Obviously everyone on the planet thinks some celebrities are attractive, and yet this seems to really bother you when it's coming from your wife. That's pretty unrealistic and awfully insecure and again you are creating your own problems here. Your wife has done nothing wrong. 

[schlumpy]

12 hours ago, MajesticHybrid said:

So, my wife told me something the other day that really bothered me. 
 

There is a guy who works with her who is seriously ripped. He is built like The Rock. No exaggeration. He has tattoos up and down his arms and my wife loves tattoos. 
 

 

 

I honestly hear it as a cry for help. She is in daily contact with someone that pushes all her buttons. She is in a riptide with no rock to anchor to. She needs you to remind her why she's married to you.

You get hurt and refuse to be intimate. How do you think that's going to work out?

 

[mark clemson]

12 hours ago, MajesticHybrid said:

Well she admits everything openly. She really hasn’t ever said anything like this. She said it in response to something I said actually.

I’m avoiding sexual contact with her now because of it.  I have went to bed every night and we aren’t having sex. She’ll make comments about how she “wanted some last night “ but I just shrug and say sorry and move on. I don’t want to have sex with her when I am basically just a sex you with a pulse

Hmmm. So you know, rationally, that we're all human and might have transitory lust towards some random other person.

But here she goes being honest and open about it with you, and wanting sex with you (not him) and you won't because of it. She is redirecting her desire (not the same as love, necessarily) on to you.

Were you cheated on in a prior relationship? I ask because, while your worries make some sense, this feels like overreaction to me. But BS's and betrayed BFs sometimes carry major emotional wounds. IF you that's what's driving this, you should get some IC for yourself and probably get some MC for the both of you as she needs to be more sensitive to your emotional state IMO.

IF you're genuinely worried she is cheating on you, that is also understandable and something to attempt to deal with.

If it's not that, this feels very much like wounded ego to me. He's sexier, so you turn into, what... a petulant child over it? News flash buddy there are 3+ BILLION other men in the world, so there will ALWAYS be someone richer, sexier, smarter, more famous, etc for her to be attracted to out there.

If there are no real betrayal issues here, I think you're blowing it, essentially over ego. You're starting to damage your marriage, turn this into a sex-denial war which will make you both unhappy. Over what exactly?

Maybe if you really dig your heels in on the sex denial stuff, she will get frustrated and actually go screw him. Then you would have to deal with that. Wouldn't that be a genius move?

[preraph]

Yeah, good luck finding anyone who will think you and only you are attractive.  

[thefooloftheyear]

27 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

 

But here she goes being honest and open about it with you, and wanting sex with you (not him) and you won't because of it. She is redirecting her desire (not the same as love, necessarily) on to you.

 

Saying to someone " hey my panties are wet from this super stud,  so because I cant have him then I guess ill settle for you" its not redirecting anything....Its essentially saying I cant have chicken salad so ill eat chicken shyt...

Most guys hide or delete porn and sexy pics from their gf/wives for good reason...They readily know what the outcome is going to be when she finds out....Just hang around here for a while and you will see numerous threads started by women crushed to the ground by finding this stuff....And frankly, finding some guys porn or pics isn't even as potentially damaging as this is...He's not gushing to her to her face over it...

Understand...I agree with you and everyone else....There are always more attractive people than the one you are with....But let that genie out of the bottle and you start to question everything in your relationship..

TFY

 

Edited January 26, 2020 by thefooloftheyear

[preraph]

Even the thought that some trashy porn actress would be considered more attractive to their man is what they are irked by.  If they drooled over some actress or singer or someone just not gross, most women would just take it in stride.  Because we all do it.  But to compare a nasty porn actress up against your wife in desirability is INSULTING, so that's the real problem, not that you think some other woman are hot.  

 

Although Fool of the Year, I do agree she should know her man well enough not to go around spewing to him about this like he's her bestie.  But he probably IS her bestie, so there you go.  Boundary crossed. 

Edited January 26, 2020 by preraph

[mark clemson]

13 minutes ago, thefooloftheyear said:

Saying to someone " hey my panties are wet from this super stud,  so because I cant have him then I guess ill settle for you" its not redirecting anything....Its essentially saying I cant have chicken salad so ill eat chicken shyt...

Well, that's one interpretation, but if that's really how it is, aren't we all eating chicken shyt basically all the time?

I mean, we all love to go through life feeling like "we're the best of everything/anything" to our partners, right? But if you take fantasy or "wishful thinking" into account, then it's NEVER true for anyone right?

So, do we want to go around living in a fantasy bubble or accept the reality that, however awesome we may be, there's always someone our partner might have transitory "stray thoughts" about, but they actually chose us for their actual reality and that actual truth will have to do.

Going back to OP, I do think one issue in this particular situation is that this guy is at his wife's work, so he presents more of an actual possible threat than, say, Tom Cruise. So that's part of what's driving this. I think addressing the issue through communication, rather than passive aggressive sex denial or similar is the way to go. A marriage counselor if that communication is difficult to achieve successfully might be in order.

Edited January 26, 2020 by mark clemson

[Daisydooks]

4 hours ago, thefooloftheyear said:

You all would flip your lids and perhaps some probably force him to leave that job...Be honest now...

Ummm. Well, that's life.  

I am certainly not the hottest woman he has ever met, or even been with and definitely not the last hot woman he will ever encounter in life. THAT would be ridiculous. I also expect an honest answer if I'm asking a tough question. He may feel awkward answering, but if I'm asking it, he also needs to know I'm not going to fly off he deep end and needs a safe place to discuss fantasies. 

I do believe whatever fantasy he may have is something he can and would discuss with me because he has done so, openly, even when he has felt I may not like it and even when I was uncomfortable with his answer. He has been honest and I've never withheld sex and acted like a toddler, stomping my feet mad he was honest when I asked a question. 

He is a white collar kind of man, who encounters women regularly who are not only more attractive than me, but also make more than me, and may even have more going for them. What and who they arent, is me. I have enough faith in my relationship, my partner and our bond not to allow someones looks get in the way of our life. On a scale of 1-10, both of us are a 6. Lol. So I wouldnt assume I'm the hottest woman ever because I'm not. I'm self aware enough to know this. 

Not all women are delicate and fragile little flowers who cant listen to her partner. I'm sorry you have only had that experience 

I stand by my first comment.  

Edited January 26, 2020 by Daisydooks

[thefooloftheyear]

51 minutes ago, Daisydooks said:

Ummm. Well, that's life.  

I am certainly not the hottest woman he has ever met, or even been with and definitely not the last hot woman he will ever encounter in life. THAT would be ridiculous. I also expect an honest answer if I'm asking a tough question. He may feel awkward answering, but if I'm asking it, he also needs to know I'm not going to fly off he deep end and needs a safe place to discuss fantasies. 

I do believe whatever fantasy he may have is something he can and would discuss with me because he has done so, openly, even when he has felt I may not like it and even when I was uncomfortable with his answer. He has been honest and I've never withheld sex and acted like a toddler, stomping my feet mad he was honest when I asked a question. 

He is a white collar kind of man, who encounters women regularly who are not only more attractive than me, but also make more than me, and may even have more going for them. What and who they arent, is me. I have enough faith in my relationship, my partner and our bond not to allow someones looks get in the way of our life. On a scale of 1-10, both of us are a 6. Lol. So I wouldnt assume I'm the hottest woman ever because I'm not. I'm self aware enough to know this. 

Not all women are delicate and fragile little flowers who cant listen to her partner. I'm sorry you have only had that experience 

I stand by my first comment.  

Sorry.....no disrespect, but I aint buyin' it.... just like the girl on here claiming to do 200# military press...Its a forum..we can be or claim whatever we want to be, right?

He comes home and tells you...."Hey DD, they just hired this girl in the accounting dept...Woah!....Right out of school...Tight ass...Great perky tits...wow...Ok...can we have sex now?"

And you are like..."sure honey, that's great'..

If someone would just let that go, and act like nothing happened, I would either think one or two things...They had some type of personality disorder or that they really didn't care...Because a pushback in this scenario is a totally human response..

I think that's the part that some of you may be missing...Only a complete dumbbell wouldn't realize that there are people out there better looking...Stupid to even mention that aspect or think it parallels this story...That;s just common sense...Bring into it this type of stuff and now the whole dynamic is changed...You or anyone else now has to sit there and wonder if its you he picked because he couldn't do any better in the looks department, not that he desires you all that much, because he's made it obviously clear what really turns him on...And that's a shytty feeling for anyone in that scenario be it man or woman...

I cant say for sure, but I get the feeling some portray this image to the world by way of social media and other forums like these to appear more enlightened and self assured..To me, its not a natural response, so I can only assume its an part of a phony internet façade or that the person is someone that cant express what would be considered a normal reaction because of fear or some other deal...I dunno….

TFY

 

Edited January 26, 2020 by thefooloftheyear

[thefooloftheyear]

2 minutes ago, thefooloftheyear said:

 

 

Edited January 26, 2020 by thefooloftheyear
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