Author MajesticHybrid Posted January 26, 2020 Author Share Posted January 26, 2020 So the complete context was this... It was in the car about 4 or 5 days ago. I made a crack about how I want to work out more. I have always been in shape and workout a lot but with kids, I don’t as much as I would like to. So I just said how I needed to workout today. She said okay. Then I said I have to get in Chris Hemsworth shape. She rolled her eyes and went into her explanation of how seeing hot guys made her “want to wrap my legs around you” Anyway, I have not and will not get mad at her about this. We have been getting along great and everything is normal except I’m avoiding sex or anything to flirtatious. If she grabs my butt or is looking at me and whistles at me or something, I just roll my eyes and change the topic. Im not throwing a tantrum or anything like that. I’m not mad at her. She didn’t do anything wrong and I’m not dumb. There are lots of guys out there who are going to turn my wife on more than I will. I just honestly don’t feel like being flirty or sexual with her right now. And honestly, I think that should be acceptable. Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted January 26, 2020 Share Posted January 26, 2020 This is not a comment that I, personally, would express, but "hey I got turned on by XYZ sexy fantasy/movie/ so now I want to have sex with my partner" is completely normal. Being committed to someone doesn't mean you stop getting turned on by other things. I wouldn't love it if my husband said "I saw this SUPER hot woman so let's go have sex", but, again, it could be that your wife is just a very blunt person. To be honest I don't think we need to know what our partners are fantasizing about all the time, as long as they live out those fantasies with us. 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MajesticHybrid Posted January 26, 2020 Author Share Posted January 26, 2020 I get that we’re all going to be turned on by other people even when we’re in love with our spouse and running around sleeping with everyone you think is hot is reckless and not good for family or your health but... It makes the sexual aspect of your relationship/marriage feel pointless if I’m being honest. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted January 26, 2020 Share Posted January 26, 2020 24 minutes ago, MajesticHybrid said: Im not throwing a tantrum or anything like that. I’m not mad at her. She didn’t do anything wrong and I’m not dumb. There are lots of guys out there who are going to turn my wife on more than I will. I just honestly don’t feel like being flirty or sexual with her right now. And honestly, I think that should be acceptable. It's your relationship to manage as you please. No argument here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlett.O'hara Posted January 26, 2020 Share Posted January 26, 2020 So this whole incident was just an excuse not to have sex with her anymore? You're not mad at her, everything is fine, but you just don't want to be flirtatious or sexual with her.. that doesn't sound like things are fine at all. If you aren't in the mood right now or something else is going on, that's okay, but this isn't going to work long term in your marriage. Like I said before, it will erode the bond and closeness you share. I would strongly recommend you get to the bottom of it and try to fix it before it becomes an ongoing issue that drives her away, or is that what you want? To push her away? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 26, 2020 Share Posted January 26, 2020 Be careful you don't get into a stalemate because that can ruin things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MajesticHybrid Posted January 26, 2020 Author Share Posted January 26, 2020 (edited) Not long term. Just sort of taking this route for now because I’m not in the mood because of all this. If I were to have sex with her all I would think of is how she was probably thinking about that guy naked because he looks better naked than I do. And TBH, the comment about being turned on by him and then wanting me just makes me think that whatever she does in the bedroom is just what she wishes she could do to him. Thats just how I feel right now. Going forward, who knows. I take it one day at a time. Edited January 26, 2020 by MajesticHybrid Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 26, 2020 Share Posted January 26, 2020 This is certainly a good case for not ever answering the question "What are your fantasies?" when guys ask -- and they usually do eventually. Such a mistake. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlett.O'hara Posted January 26, 2020 Share Posted January 26, 2020 I agree. Discussions about fantasies, previous partners, and crushes can turn into a minefield, especially when the person has insecurities. Honestly, I think she was trying to tell her husband that she wanted him, but the way she said it totally backfired. Now he won't even touch her, no matter how often she tries to initiate. She clearly wants him, but if he can't get the thought of her wanting other men out of his head, the are heading towards a disaster. There will come a point where she will feel so rejected by him, she will resent him and pull away. At that point there will be no turning back. MajesticHybrid, I don't want to trivialize how you're feeling. No one wants to feel their partner is thinking about someone else when they are together. I get that. I just don't think she meant to say something that would emasculate you like this or cause you this much hurt. In my experience, women don't make a habit of wanting sex from men they don't desire, or enjoy looking at them naked in the shower for that matter. To me, these are clear signs that she desires you. Not just because you're her husband either, but you as a man. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 18 hours ago, snowboy91 said: My ex used to have a saying (which I agree with) - it doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home... 😉 I don't think it was kind of her to explicitly describe her attraction to this guy. However, I think the crux of the issue is you've jumped in with the assumption that because this guy is ripped and has tattoos, you consider him a more attractive guy than you. That isn't necessarily how your wife's mind works... attraction for her doesn't necessarily work the way you think it should (or the way it works for you), which works in your favour. This. Yes it's tough to handle, I wouldn't like it but can grasp it as I can respond the same way. That is seeing a sexy woman can get me thinking of sex but my mind goes to having sex with my girlfriend. I think of it more that there is some inner animistic mind that responds, but the drive is channeled to the one I really want to be with. After you explained how it came up, I don't think she intended to be insensitive. If anything I think she believed because it made her want you that was a compliment to you. Your response is perfectly understandable though. Just think twice before you let it blow things up. Is yours the kind of relationship where you can share your feelings on this and it will go well? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 2 hours ago, preraph said: This is certainly a good case for not ever answering the question "What are your fantasies?" when guys ask -- and they usually do eventually. Such a mistake. It's a minefield for men as well when asked of our fantasies. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 Fantasies are usually not that great in practice anyway. I remember guys asking me what I fantasize about. It was usually not something that would likely ever be recreated and if it was recreated, it would lose it's appeal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bachdude Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 I think you're making too big a deal out of this. True, you aren't yelling at her but you ARE mad at her and it is expressing itself in passive aggressive behavior. Not attractive, manly behavior. You got yourself all butt hurt because she admitted a guy was hot. Big deal. Where's your confidence? You're not phased by this, are you? What you should have done is grab her by the butt, pulled her towards you, looked her in the eyes, and said, "You come back to me even after seeing The Rock dude because you know I'm the only man who can satisfy your crazy desire" then start playfully kissing her on the neck. She would have squealed with laughter and worshipped the ground you walked on for not getting phased by The Rock but maintaining your confidence. She'd never leave your side because in her mind she'd have her tattoo loving arms around a real man who isn't thrown by another attractive guy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 23 hours ago, MajesticHybrid said: I mean it’s embarrassing to be naked in front her. Unless either of you have seen The (company) Rock naked, then the underlying concerns with the above statement have zero to do with her mere example. The OP needs to just stop it... for his own good. Link to post Share on other sites
Daisydooks Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 6 hours ago, thefooloftheyear said: He comes home and tells you...."Hey DD, they just hired this girl in the accounting dept...Woah!....Right out of school...Tight ass...Great perky tits...wow...Ok...can we have sex now?" That isn't what happened though. Read his following comments again. Stop treating her like some douche bag who came home and did that. This man pressures her to tell him who she finds attractive, forces talks with her he knows will upset him even though she admits she doesnt even think about it unless he probes her, and then flipped out like a toddler when he couldnt handle an answer she gave. 5 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 Movies stars, singers and so on are unattainable, some dude she works with and spends 40-50 hours a week is not. I find it highly irresponsible for people to suggest that they would be not only comfortable but ok with this. I doubt anyone else posting on this thread would be ok with thier partner or spouse telling them they get sexually turned on by someone they work with and comes home wanting sex because of it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 How many of us have had the experience of having our SO cry out the name of a hottie they work with during their orgasm? Would it be something you and they would just laugh about afterwards? Yeah, didn't think so... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
VioletVelvet Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 On 1/26/2020 at 12:29 AM, MajesticHybrid said: Well she admits everything openly. She really hasn’t ever said anything like this. She said it in response to something I said actually. I brought up how much she liked Chris Hemsworth. He’s one of her celebrity crushes. One of many. And she she rolled her eyes and said she only thinks about that stuff mostly when I bring it up. And then she launched into the explanation about how when she sees other attractive men, It makes her want me more. And then she used her co worker as an example. I’m avoiding sexual contact with her now because of it. She tried to come into the bathroom the other night while I was showering. She usually comes in to hang out with me while I shower and we talk. She likes to poke her head in the curtain to see me. She says she wants to check me out. Well anyway, she tried to do this the other night and I told her not to. I apologized but told her that I just wanted some time alone to myself. She seemed bummed but said okay and didn’t make anything out of it. I have went to bed every night and we aren’t having sex. She’ll make comments about how she “wanted some last night “ but I just shrug and say sorry and move on. I don’t want to have sex with her when I am basically just a sex you with a pulse. I can totally relate to your wife on this (not that I agree with her telling you all the details). I'm super-monogamous. That doesn't mean I don't get turned on by other people/fantasies etc. But it 100% does not mean I want to have sex with them. These turns me on to have sex with my partner. (I'm so monogamous that even if I'm just really interested in a man, he's the only person I want to be with. Even if another man turns me on, and even if I'm single, I want to sleep with the person of interest). Sounds like you guys need to have a serious talk (possibly with a counsellor) before this becomes even bigger than it already is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 12 hours ago, Poutrew said: How many of us have had the experience of having our SO cry out the name of a hottie they work with during their orgasm? Would it be something you and they would just laugh about afterwards? Yeah, didn't think so... But that didn't happen here. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted January 27, 2020 Share Posted January 27, 2020 I think you're making a mountain out of a mole hill and making this WAY too much about your own insecurities. Not being sexual with her is just insecure and childish, and could very well back fire on you. Insecurity is VERY unattractive to most women. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted January 28, 2020 Share Posted January 28, 2020 I'd never say anything like that to my boyfriend, as I think it's very inconsiderate. But if I saw a hot guy besides mine and got turned on, yeah, I could see wanting to unleash those feelings on my boyfriend. I wouldn't be thinking about the other guy. It's more like, "Ooo sexy arms, that reminds me of my man's sexy arms, time to jump him." I'd tell her you're turned off when she talks about how hot other guys are. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 28, 2020 Share Posted January 28, 2020 On 1/26/2020 at 7:52 PM, thefooloftheyear said: Saying to someone " hey my panties are wet from this super stud, so because I cant have him then I guess ill settle for you" its not redirecting anything....Its essentially saying I cant have chicken salad so ill eat chicken shyt... Except that is not what happened here. At all. I encourage you to re-read OP's own version of events that he revealed throughout this thread rather than attempting to misrepresent what happened to suit the agenda you opened your own posts with. It appears this topic has triggered you in some way, but it would be wise to stick to what's actually been written rather than exaggerating for effect. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted January 28, 2020 Share Posted January 28, 2020 Thinking it and saying are two different things. I imagine if the shoe was on the other foot she’d be real PO’d. And the women here would do an about face on the subject. How could you say something like that to your wife!!!!! Its a tough thing to dump on someone. its either a lack of respect or just plain stupid and maybe both. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted January 28, 2020 Share Posted January 28, 2020 5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Except that is not what happened here. At all. I encourage you to re-read OP's own version of events that he revealed throughout this thread rather than attempting to misrepresent what happened to suit the agenda you opened your own posts with. It appears this topic has triggered you in some way, but it would be wise to stick to what's actually been written rather than exaggerating for effect. And I encourage you to have your own opinion and don't question mine...I know what I read and I stand by it.....I don't get "triggered" by anything and if you met me for 5 minutes you'd know that.. Sounds like you are the one projecting here,....Maybe this happens to you regularly and you want to normalize it...I dunno, If some woman has to dream about some co worker she thinks is hotter than me, , to the point where she comes home and tells me about it, then she needs to be with that guy....I have a lot of options.. And I have been with more women than most guys and have been around a while....That scenario never happened ….Not one single time in my life.. Nothing even remotely close.. TFY 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 28, 2020 Share Posted January 28, 2020 On 1/26/2020 at 4:50 AM, thefooloftheyear said: Anyway....she dropped a bomb on you...Imagine how she'd feel if she came home to find pictures on your PC of all nude women with big racks and dark hair and she's a flat chested redhead.. She'd be crushed and think that you cant ever be attracted to her and why you are even married to her.. Yes it is just the same, and like the above example the whole sex/romance/love story thing is essentially "ruined". People who mess with sexual attraction, do so at their own peril. Yes in the above example, the wife may accept his porn habit, his "online lust" - for the kids, for the life they have together but now she knows it is not her he really wants -> duty sex or no sex at all. Here the OP has had an insight into what really turns his wife on and it ain't him. It is not some unobtainable celebrity who is probably not half as good looking in real life, it is a living breathing guy who she works with... He feels "less than" and he no longer feels King of his castle... Yes we can all go on about "insecurity", but there is a big, muscly and tattooed, valid reason for that "insecurity"... 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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