My friend keeps rescheduling or cancelling and I want to stop communicating with her

[gvitesse]

This week, we were supposed to hangout on friday and she wanted to reschedule it to Saturday, I was fine with it. She again cancelled on Saturday and wants to meet next week. At this point, I don't feel the excitement anymore nor do I feel like she's a friend. om the past few months, I feel like she's not reliable. I've asked her if she's okay or if she's going through anything and she seems fine. She has a bad habit of making plans and either cancelling them on the day or reschedule them. This has happened several times over the past few months. For instance, she invited my best friend and I on a road trip and cancelled them. When I talk with her, she seems excited about making plans and meeting but on the d-day, its the same habit. I live abroad and she's a native here. She invited me to have dinner with her family on Christmas and New Year and I was really happy since I'm spending my time away from my family and she cancelled that as well and went on a road trip with her friends. It seems like I'm not her priority and she makes plans with others even after promising to hang out. Every time she cancels, its either " Sorry I double booked and made plans with someone else or I'm busy ".

This week, we were supposed to hangout on Friday and she wanted to reschedule it to Saturday, I was fine with it. She again cancelled on Saturday and wants to meet next week. At this point, I don't feel the excitement anymore nor do I feel like she's a friend.

[salparadise]

Is there a specific question, or did you just need to get this off your chest? The questions I'd assume you might ask are a) what should I say to her, and b) how do I think about this so as to not be so upset.

a. Don't initiate communication, and the next time she calls to make plans say, "no thank you––the chance of you following through is close to zero, and the dread of being stood up again is so annoying that I choose not to enable that possibility. 

b. Give yourself an appropriate amount of time to be highly annoyed, and then just let it go. This is her issue, not yours. All you can do is set a boundary so that it doesn't happen again, and let her suffer the natural consequences.

[Ellener]

5 hours ago, gvitesse said:

She invited me to have dinner with her family on Christmas and New Year and I was really happy since I'm spending my time away from my family and she cancelled that as well and went on a road trip with her friends. It seems like I'm not her priority and she makes plans with others even after promising to hang out.

My friends made plans with me Christmas Day and cancelled too, I just think some people are thoughtless or flaky. It feels worse of course on the holidays. Just don't rely on her as a friend, she's an acquaintence and if she's worth keeping up with bear that in mind, and keep your options open too, 'let me know when you get there' type thing or only meet in a group where others will show. 

 

[d0nnivain]

Just stop believing her or initiating contact.  Never again accept an invitation that is just you & her.  In a group, her absence won't matter. 

[preraph]

I had a friend and roommate who could never keep her scheduled plans because she was always opting for the last-minute better offer. I thought it was funny when you said she double-booked because that's exactly what my roommate used to do. She would make dates with two guys in one night and then the most likely scenario is she would completely leave the house and not be there when neither one of them showed up and yet they'd come back around looking for her. 

 

I quickly learned that the only way to spend time with her was to hit her with something in the moment and just say let's go do this now. she just couldn't stick with plans and was always looking for the better opportunity but she enjoyed spontaneity at the last minute and was nearly always up for that. 

 

Of course that only worked because I was her roommate. Because I'm a planner. You're nowhere near on her priority list, or even if you are she's not organized enough to make a good friend.

[JTSW]

Decline all her invitations from now on.

If she questions it then you tell her you're not accepting something that she is just going to cancel at the last minute.

[stillafool]

It's obvious she doesn't value or isn't interested in a friendship with you anymore so stop asking her to make plans.  When she cancelled on you and your best friend you two should have went without her and had fun.  You need to delete her from your friend list because it seems she's done that to you.

[gvitesse]

16 hours ago, stillafool said:

It's obvious she doesn't value or isn't interested in a friendship with you anymore so stop asking her to make plans.  When she cancelled on you and your best friend you two should have went without her and had fun.  You need to delete her from your friend list because it seems she's done that to you.

Thank you for responding . I have stopped communicating with her. She will probably message me again in the future to make plans, I want to turn it down saying I don't trust her. Should I let her know what I think about her?

[gvitesse]

I think she makes plans with me out of excitement and then when better opportunities turn up, she goes after them. I remember we made a plan to go to a movie and I told her I bought tickets. She asked me to postpone twice and I ended up wasting my money. She did offer to pay for her ticket but I still lost mine. What hurt me most is inviting for Christmas dinner and going on road trip with her friends, I really want her to know it wasn't cool but then again I wonder if its worth the discussion with her.

[JTSW]

Then be completely straight with her.

Absolutely tell her that her behavior is hurtful and that she has now lost a friend because of it.

Tell her what she does is unacceptable and she wont ever get the chance to do it again to you.

[salparadise]

5 hours ago, gvitesse said:

I really want her to know it wasn't cool but then again I wonder if its worth the discussion with her.

I'd say that depends on a few things... how much you value her friendship, and whether you think speaking to her would be likely to change her behavior.

So what's this friendship based on, how long have you known her, and is there more to it than just an occasional activity partner? And secondly, do you think she is caring and wants to do right but has a lack of awareness as to how to treat friends, or is she aware but cavalier and unconcerned about other's feelings?

There must be some type of personality issue with her. This is basic stuff. I'd only make the effort if it's valuable and salvageable. 

[Lotsgoingon]

You need to let yourself react. You don't like this last-minute cancellation stuff. 

So tell her so! I find it really frustrating when you cancel on me. I set aside time on my schedule, I look forward to talking you and then you frequently cancel. 

Practice saying this to a friend or you won't be able to say this to a love partner or boss or anyone you feel is acting in a way that is disrespectful of your time and energy.

[Characterized]

Any more contact? I'd have done exactly the same as you. The law of diminishing returns!

[Miss Spider]

Depending on how close you are, and it seems like you are close, I’d let her know how much her canceling bothers you. Maybe she will realize her behavior and not make plans she can’t keep. Otherwise, it may be time to let the friendship go. Every time this has happened to me, the friendship died. I think it means the person just lost interest in our friendship 

[Miss Spider]

Sorry I read this as actual friendship not a fwb situation 

[Beachead]

Hey OP,

I've been in your shoes and I've dealt with people who've treated me like this.  Took me most my life to learn how to handle them.

Quote

She has a bad habit of making plans and either cancelling them on the day or reschedule them. This has happened several times over the past few months. 

She's not in a bad habit of anything.  She just flat out doesn't care about you or your time.  I bet you 10 times out of 10, if this was done to her by someone she genuinely valued in her life..she'd get very upset.  She's treating you like crap and she knows it and doesn't care because you probably provide something to her that she needs on occasion such as attention and companionship.   But after she's refilled her needs, she goes off on her merry way, and neglects you again.  This girl is unreliable and a terrible friend.  She continues to treat you this way because she knows you'll take it and will continue to keep her around. She knows that because you've taught her you will, by continuing to stay in contact with her (Continuing to respond to her messages and being available to her plans).  

We teach people how to treat us by the way we treat ourselves.  By tolerating her bad behaviour, you've disrespected yourself. You've shown her that you are willing to forego your own self-respect and your needs to keep a bad friend like her around.  It ultimately makes her lose respect for you, for if you don't respect yourself, why would she?   Because she's a crappy person, she doesn't change her ways or let you know that you don't deserve to be treated like that..you still lower your value in her eyes and she judges you for it.

But who cares what she thinks..she is not the concern.  You are.  

The biggest problem that comes from these kinds of people are their inconsiderate ways slowly break you down and takes it toll on your self-confidence and your happiness.  It slowly poisons you.  Your discontent towards her turns to frustration, and then anger.   You start to feel like other people are like her.  You start to feel like there's something wrong with you. The longer this goes on, the worse her negative impact will have on you and that will begin to bleed into other areas of your life that could really benefit from your love and attention;  your career, your education, your family and actual friends in your life who treat you well.  In other words, people like her, destroy your well-being..if you allow them to.

So take it seriously.  Your well-being is your #1 priority and you have to maintain that by respecting yourself every single day.  Nobody on this earth is going to do it for you..but you.  You are the guard..the gatekeeper.  If you are not responsible with it, you fail yourself and it will have an adverse impact on every other aspect of your life. 

You deserve better so you should treat yourself like it.

My solution..cut her off.  Immediately.  Take her off your social media.  Delete her number.  Don't respond to her and don't even bother explaining to her why you're gone.  She won't learn her lesson by your words, explanations and probably not even your silence.  At best, she may only miss what she needed from you..which was obviously not enough to her..to be a good friend.  Don't waste another minute of your energy,  giving it to her.   

Hope you find the strength to do so.

- Beach

 

Edited February 19, 2020 by Beachead

[Marc878]

She’s not friend or relationship material.

You seem to be making her a priority when you aren’t even an option to her.

which means the main problem is you.

move on and quit keeping yourself bound up in this.

Your choice